Sunday, July 29, 2012

Project Kratos: New Gym

For the past two weeks, I've started going to the gym again. I stopped for about three weeks because I unfortunately caught the flu which pinned me on my bed for at least two days, and then problems arose regarding the arrangement of my stay at Gold's. I also became very busy at work: double shifts were not unusual then (which caused my immune system to take a nosedive, hence the flu). Determined to meet my 170-lb-10%-BF goal in March 2013, I looked for a new gym and started to work out again. And I did find a gym, convenient enough for me to go to after work, along with some of my office mates as well.

Five workouts in my new gym, a coach told me that my form when squatting was poor -- I was arching my back way too much. He told me that the bar should only be on top of my shoulders and that I should not put out my buttocks way too far. I tried to follow his advice, but I found the style I was using, bar on the shoulder blades, more comfortable for me. Since I didn't want to look stubborn, so every time the coach passed by, I'd stop and do something else as a silly excuse for him not to watch.

Anyway, I feel my efforts are paying off. The fact that I'm sleeping early now is enough reason for me to keep working out. I'm looking forward to a deadlift of 130lbs -- about two or three weeks from now. Hopefully I can perfect my form so that when the heavier weights come along, I should be able to lift them without pulling a muscle.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Maturity: Floor (Part Twenty-Five)

I went to Ahm some days ago to ask if there was still an opportunity to be deployed onsite in Omega, my current project. He told me there still was. I asked him based on my performance if I was already qualified to be deployed onsite, and he told me that I should be a little bit more mature when it comes to work. I should learn how to resolve situations with a quick answer and a punctual follow-through. He also told me that I'll never truly understand what "maturity" meant unless I am able to experience an opportunity to act such: as a team lead.

In the almost over one hour that Ahm and I spent talking, the thing that stuck in my head the most was about strengths and weaknesses. He asked me the question whether if I'll sharpen my skills to overcome my weakness, or to focus my efforts to further improve my strength. After giving a partially slipshod answer of enhancing my strength, he reassured me that it was the better decision of the two. Focusing on my weakness and improving it will make me just mediocre at best, while taking my strengths and pushing them to the limits will outshine whatever weaknesses I might have. Besides, whatever I was weak on can be assigned to another person, Ahm wittily added.

Now, it's up to me to know what my real strengths and weaknesses are. I guess it is part of being mature.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Tenacity: Incomplete

Twelve years ago, I lost the person whom I called my father.

I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.

Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.

Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.

Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.

Zweihander, excerpt from 'Tatay, Miss na Kita'
August 3, 2009



Coming back to this post, I do wonder if Nanay and Tatay are happy in what I have become and what I have achieved. When I was a kid, they'll always lull me to sleep whenever I cried. Each and every time woke up, I always felt better. No matter what happened, I always found them beside me with a patient smile.

Nanay, Tatay, sorry if I turned out to be gay. But I'm proud to say that I'm a stronger person than before. Yes, I may be alone and incomplete under all the realities of life, but I no longer feel that I'm alone. I also have learned that being incomplete in itself is one of life's realities, and I'm trying my very best to be complete despite being incomplete.

Nanay, Tatay, I miss you both, but don't worry. Ang hirap, pero steady lang ako dito. I'm much more closer to Ma and Dad. They both know what I'm going through. Nanay, Tatay, I know both of you are always looking after me up there. Kita niyo naman, umiiyak ako ngayon. Huwag niyo sana ako pababayaan kasi alam niyo ang pinagdadaanan ko.

I love you.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Strength's True Price

From what I've experienced time in and out, inner strength isn't something one is born with. The hearts of people grow weaker or stronger with each passing day. After a meaningful day, one either walks away teary eyed from all the opportunities for growth gone forever, or relieved because one survived, permanently changed by what experiences one faced. I can say this because the person writing this and myself six years ago are now two completely different persons, but not without similarities.

I write this because for the past few days, I've never stopped thinking about all the what-ifs of my life. What if I did this? What if I chose not to do that? Rather than sulking about what could have become and living in regret, I always find myself looking for something worth learning in each time I stopped to ask myself. Never failing to pick up a tiny, shattered fragment of a better tomorrow, I have built myself a goal that I want to achieve in the future.

Making a choice in a crossroad of chances is a brave thing to do. Strength's true price is never knowing the answer to each and every what-if in our life.

We don't have to. We don't need to. That's why I can say I am stronger.

I choose to grow and be a better person not for somebody, but for myself. I am thankful that in everything that I went through, I always found a reason to learn and move forward. As Sum 41 puts it, holding onto the past will just make things worse for what little goodness is left. The worst part is that things are worse only for that person, and not for everybody else.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Sum 41 - Makes No Difference


Makes No Difference
Sum 41
from the album Half Hour of Power
---

You're running fast and missing but cannot help convincing
The reasons you gave me are all wearing thin
It's not meant to hurt you but let me assure you
It's not what I said but intentions you've read

So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me

Now that you're older, life's weighing on your shoulders
You can't seem to keep things so perfectly straight
With most things so basic you might as well face it
You can't help but worry it's all just begun

So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me

It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference

So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me

It makes no difference
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference
It makes no difference to me