Monday, December 31, 2012


The nights have suddenly turned cold. The weather, to my surprise, was now giving my weary visage kisses that sent icy tickles playfully rippling down my spine. Albeit late, I enjoyed the wind's cold fancies as I walked to Philcoa from work. With happy thoughts keeping me warm inside, I slowed my pace to think what I have achieved for the year that has passed.

With an unknown presence, my many thoughts unsettled me. Deep inside, I knew something was wrong, but can't figure out exactly what. My eyes looked at the purple sky and the radiant circle that reined the moon. Letting out a deep and soulful sigh, I let go of what was troubling me, afraid that a bout of depression might come knocking my spirits down.

Still partly filled with intrigue, I entered a fast food chain to eat. Falling in line, I looked at the lonely table where a special person and I often used to sit. I remembered the things we talked about until the wee hours of the morning: his passions, his achievements, and his struggles. I remembered the times we just stayed silent and looked at each other. I remembered how handsome he looked each time he smiled, and how happy his laugh sounded every time he saw how much I ate. Images of the happy times we shared together came uncontrollably rushing to my exhausted mind, which made me feel only more sentimental. There were just so many things I wanted to dream and experience in life with him, and it broke my heart each time I realized that he was now gone and would never, ever come back.

It was then what I realized what was wrong: I held each and every happy moment in my past too closely in my wounded heart. Like a bandage to stop the bleeding, those memories have kept me sane and strong after all that happened. As long as I had those little memories keeping me warm in the bitter cold of my emotions, I knew I would push through. But the problem was that I have forced myself to be satisfied with those little candles of warmth embracing my heart: I am no longer seeking a more profound sense of happiness to keep me always smiling and happy. I am hesitant to experience and create new memories with people because I am terrified that everything might turn into another grave mistake. I will never find my own separate peace because the reality of things was that I have long given up hope and stopped the tireless search for it. I was living in a world of my delicately preserved memories, choosing to look away from the world filled with unique experiences of what life meant. Time has stopped in a period wherein I was the happiest -- my life has never continued forward, locked in a perpetual pause to protect my notion of what it meant to be happy and content.

After finding the guise to break away from my reverie, I took my order and slowly approached the lone table. However, seconds back to my ephemeral reality, my body turned and my feet shuffled away from the testament of the happiness I once had. I found myself sitting at a distant table, trying to find the courage to open my heart to experience new memories in search for the long lost paradise I have always yearned for.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012


Mere seconds before midnight, we gathered round our humble feast to thank for our blessings that we have received for the past year. As soon as we closed our prayers, everybody was eager to delve into their own plates full of food to silence their rumbling stomachs. The special meal was made extraordinary by the people celebrating the spirit of sharing and happiness.

Christmas. I didn't mind the empty feeling inside because I realized that at least for today, it wasn't important. What mattered most was that my relatives in the province, despite their differences with one another, came together as one family to enjoy the moment. The cold breeze that echoed outside the house was blanketed by the warm smiles everybody had inside the old home full of each others' fond memories.

My Christmases will never be incomplete ever again. In my own little way, I have learned how to embrace one of the true meanings of the season. We were crowned by a dark, unfriendly, and starless sky, but that didn't stop me to shine a small light of hope in my heart in search for a separate peace I've long yearned for.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Faithful

Dead tired from a hectic day at work preceded by a miserable two-and-a-half hour sleep, my eyes were heavy with a weight invisible to me. Managing to change my worn pants into something more comfortable, I laid on my bed as the fan filled the room with a soft hum that lulled me to sleep. Within a few minutes of gazing emptily at the ceiling, thoughts deep about work, my body finally let go of my consciousness in favor for a pleasant dream that made me silently wish never to wake again.

After a seemingly impossible short amount of time, the enigmatic world that I belonged to suddenly ground to a complete stop. Half naked and half awake, I looked at the dusty old clock that hung across my bed. It was already past one in the afternoon. Without realizing the truth I slept a full fourteen hours and the fact that I was terribly late for a meeting, I gave the real world a deep, heavy sigh. Nonetheless, I collected myself and prepared to leave for work.

With the angry afternoon sun baring everything down on me, I patiently waited for a tricycle to bring me to the bustling Commonwealth. Starting to get temperamental because of the heat encroaching my skin, I plugged in my buds to ease up my burning mood. One of my favorite songs, Yeah Yeah Yeah's Maps, was on the playlist.

Made off
Don't stray
My kind's your kind
I'll stay the same

A tricycle managed to pass by. I hastily called the driver's attention and was soon on my way. The sweat on my back was already trickling down, ever so slowly, mocking my impatience to the heat. I was gradually taking in the afternoon's rage within me. Perspiration rolling down my neck, I tried to relieve the tension by removing my backpack and letting much welcome air come rushing to my back. However, it wasn't enough to appease the fury building up inside of me.

It was during about that time we passed by a humble chapel beside the road that knows me by heart. I tried to look up on the cross atop the chapel's ridge to attest to my faith, only for the bright and merciless sun to conspire against me. Blinded and dismayed, I squinted my eyes hard and looked down.

Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Maps, wait!
They don't love you like I love you...

A street urchin was down on his knees, hands together in solemn prayer. He didn't mind the stares and leers of strangers that passed by. No complaints escaped his knees about how hot and scabrous the pavement was. He paid no attention to how the incredibly intense midday sun was spoiling the otherwise pleasant day. He was there in his own little corner of the cruel world, keeping his innocent convictions and hopes true. At the very least, his faith was true to himself.

In those few seconds that I witnessed the kid, I realized how faithless I have become. Seven years since Nanay's passing, I have lost the courage to truly believe with my entire soul. Two years since a previous relationship, I still find fear residing in the deepest parts of my forgiving heart. And up to this very moment, I still have nothing in me to make me hope that a different tomorrow will come. All I turned out to be is an empty and hollow shell of a man, completely different from the little boy who has nothing but his enduring faith. 

Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Maps, wait!
They don't love you like I love you...

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Tenacity: That June 2009 Incident

...I see this as a blessing in disguise, parang 'yung isang break-up quote lang, kelangang isipin na inilalayo lang ako ni Bro sa mga di naaangkop na kaibigan. I'll move on, because I realized there is more to life than this stopover with you guys. I hope that when we meet again, we all have grown into better human beings.

Bilang pagtatapos, mag-iiwan ako ng isang aral na huli ko nang natutunan, mula kay Kuya Trip:

"You can never be 'you' if you are defined by any group you have joined."

Jay, from his blog
June 10, 2009

This is probably a dangerous topic to tread on, but I am not taking sides here. I've ever since been an outsider about this issue that tore friendships apart. I didn't prod into the issue, I just childishly chose a side, since looking back, it was the only side I knew.

As far as I know, there were many people involved in the incident, but my only concern was two online friends, Jay, the owner of the entry, and someone I fondly called as Uncle, a person whom Jay and I respected. I valued my friendship with Jay because we had so much things in common, while I highly looked up on Uncle because he always knew what to say.

What happened three years ago was that Jay and Uncle had a falling out due to reasons no longer important now. Jay turned to me, seeking whatever solace I had to offer, as he told me his story on what happened between them. The end was that I took the emotions of Jay to myself and started to hate Uncle for what he did. I remember myself being so angry that I had the strong urge to punch and destroy whatever was within sight.

With a greater sense of maturity unlike before, I can tell that what Jay and I did was wrong. The way things look now, we were kids throwing an ill-placed tantrum. I can't say the same for my friend, but looking back at everything that I have wrote or done, I realize how self-centered I was; the world nothing more but a vessel to spread all my self-caused hatred and problems. My insides seethed at the thought of Uncle because Jay hated him: the thing that mattered most then was the fact that Uncle was the one who left Jay. I didn't place any effort on knowing the reason for it. As I read again what Uncle had to say about Jay's breaking of silence, he made it clear that there is more to the world than just our own childish little selves. I have read this on a lonely midnight three years ago, and only now did I understand what he truly meant. I knew Uncle was as patient as he was intelligent, and I guess what happened was that sadly, he ran out of wire. I'm not the one to blame him, because I'm sure his load was just as full like anybody else's.

I may never know the entire story, but as an outsider with a broader perspective than before, I know that both Jay and Uncle had a terrible misunderstanding, made worse by volatile emotions that ultimately put their friendship, trust, and faith in one another to ruin. I do not know if they have made efforts to reconcile. But even if they haven't, I'm hopeful that both of them are continuing to grow not to be better human beings, but to be more mature individuals who know their own unique strand in the endless fabric of life.

Jay, Uncle, I hope you are both well and good. Someday, I wish to see both of you in person, probably not together, but see you guys in person nonetheless. I just want to shake your hands firmly and politely thank you guys. 'Di niyo lang alam, you guys are one of the persons why the nasty little blogger who wrote nothing but negativity came out the sane and strong person he is today. Cheesy and drama as shit, but true.


A friend of mine was pleasantly surprised to know that I was a true blue Atenean. It was one of those childish questions people ask, and I reluctantly answer with full candor. He too, was an Atenean, a senior of mine some years before my time. He was telling me with a great grin on his face that I didn't have the usual notion of a blue eagle being pasosyal and konyo, and that he was elated about. Different from me, he had great command over the English parlance; squarely constructed sentences coming out in straight and true English, while my sorry tongue tried its best to cope up with his command over the language. I actually said I was hoping that he wasn't an inglesero like the person he was, since I quote, I would die. With a guffaw, he told me how genuine I was reflected my warm personality and kind heart.

In a manner I can't describe, he told me that soon enough, I'll notice how sympathetic I was. The problem with Ateneans was being too altruistic that they forget to leave a portion of the cake for themselves -- too much of the man-for-others being imbibed for the some of us. He asked me if there was any single time when I noticed I was too nice for my own good. I intentionally looked away and said a yes with deep, heavy sigh. A jovial and intelligent fellow, he laughed at my reaction, telling me how he liked my honesty.

I have long noticed that I am too considerate and good-natured for my own good. Ever patient, I do so because I know that it is the right thing to do, even if it would cost me my freedom and true happiness. Looking deeper, I do good things without seeking for any in return with great ardor simply because I hope people would do the same. The sad thing is not all people see an act of generosity as a brave and noble thing to do. Instead, they see it as an opportunity to manipulate and bend the truth to their will, feeling victorious as they do so. Little do they know that once the glass mirroring their smug and proud faces is shattered, their reflections will never look the same ever again.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Blue Wilderness

With a new identity, the midnight wolf entered the blue wilderness filled with figures bound to satisfy his wants. As a wolf roaming the thick foliage blanketed by the darkness of midnight, he only desired for his very own pack in which he can truly say he belonged. As the weeks turned into months, one thing became apparent: the blue wilderness was nothing more but a field full of prey, all begging to be taken down with a vicious, rabid bite. The barter to happiness was a perfectly chiseled body. Arms with thick guns bursting from the sleeves, a chest and body that can launch a thousand ships, and a virile manhood brimming with testosterone were all that mattered.

The blue wilderness was nothing more but a repeating lie. Like clockwork, the midnight wolf entered the hunting grounds hungry but left far more famished. Each and every silent step made a question bury itself deeper inside his core. After almost two years of searching and looking at the dark midnight sky, his tired eyes have seen the answer that was patiently waiting to be found in the present.

Mustering a final howl that echoed throughout the blue wilderness like a knell, the midnight wolf silently wandered off. With his vision straight and true, he headed atop a quaint knoll. The air was saturated with uncertainty and fear for the future, but carried in it a great relief from all the pretensions happening below. He made one last glance of his grim surroundings; the same scenery that broke his heart and shattered his trust over and over again. Without regrets holding him back, the midnight wolf braved forward to the outside world, his tracks and shadows never to be seen in the blue wilderness again.

But his tale continues, as he lives through the sweet sorrows of pain -- subtle reminders that he is alive, yearning for a separate peace and happiness in the ironies of life.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Wish List

I've been staring on the Christmas Wish List for our team Christmas party for about over two hours now. I'm having trouble figuring out what my Minimum of 1. Maximum of 5. Worth P250.00 is.

I was telling my best friend earlier this morning that I was particularly down this Christmas season because I had nothing to look forward to. I told him that I always made a point to look forward to something each and every time Christmas made its presence known by the cold evenings of December. I never wanted anything material for Christmas since I always waited for something that will be of worth to me even after many years have passed, no matter how small it seemed. I just wanted to be happy, or at the very least, content.

A lot of things have happened to me for the year that is starting to close its final pages, and I guess what I can wish for this Christmas is that nothing more will happen that will push me to wear a fake and empty smile once again. I know keeping this in my heart will bring me a separate peace only I understand, but even so, I am no longer content. I've always told myself it was far more important to be content than to be happy, but looking back at everything that has happened, I am no longer content in just being content. I'm sad that I'm slowly starting to unlearn the idea that has kept me going through all these emotional problems. Maybe all I want is the ability to actually tell myself I am completely content and happy and desire for nothing else.

But even so, I know I'll pull through this Christmas, even if it's the emptiest one ever in my life. I've made it through my particularly unbecoming of a birthday, what more Christmas?

I know I will. Ako pa.