Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
The context: very very bad misunderstanding between me, my ex, and my "boyfriend" who is now in Canada. Ex being having broken up since December 2010 from a one and a half year relationship. "Boyfriend" in quotes since neither of us asked the other if he'll be one, but we have already told each other our feelings for one another. And I'm gay.
I received a text message from my ex:
Sana kung magkikwento k
sa iba ung t0t0o.tnx!
sbhn u kung bkt tau nag away
at sbhn u kung anu talaga
ang dahilan.
The problem is I never lied. Cross my heart, hope to die. I'm swearing in God's name that I didn't lie even if it's a horrible thing to do. I am that sincere I didn't lie. Everything was just a big swab of fucked-up misunderstandings. I'm so sick of not knowing what to think, since apparently every time I open my stupid mouth, a whole lot of fuck happens. And I'm not so sure if that's supposed to happen. I feel so ignorant, or maybe even controlled. Fuck you, intelligent and free world.
And yeah, I hate it when you substitute mo to u when texting. I'm pathetic, since even the littlest and most trivial of things I can no longer take. I read this as sabihin you kung bakit tayo nag-away at sabihin you kung ano talaga ang dahilan. Hilarious.
i told the truth. van either
misunderstood or told a lie.
i'm sorry if it counts. but it
doesn't matter now. van cut
whatever relationship we have.
just pay your dues to ma and me.
don't text me again. thanks.
The (non-verbatim) text message I sent in reply a few hours ago. I should have sent that message (or at least the last two sentences excluding 'thanks' part) a year and a half ago, but nonetheless, this is the start of picking up the pieces of what I have left. If I only had the balls to tell my ex that it's over, so go leave the house since we know the you still living here scheme isn't happening, everything would be at least better. But no. I just told him that it's over, but you can still stay here dahil may pinagsamahan tayo. I was too kindhearted and naive, him being my first boyfriend. If I steeled through and gave him the boot to the ass, our wounds would have long healed by now. Maybe both of us are happy with each others' lives. But no. The past year and a half was nothing but a big swash of lies. Lies to myself, lies to other people, lies to the whole fucking humankind. Lies that did nothing but to make the wounds of breaking up only worse.
May pinagsamahan tayo. I can't believe I still thought that way even if he told me that I destroyed his fucking dreams. Sinira mo ang mga pangarap ko, he said. I honestly got deeply hurt when he said that to my face, but I didn't fucking weep. That was not a lie, isn't it? Maybe it was. Lies, sweet lies.
I understand Sweetie, I won't insist... I just wanna thank you for everything sa mga pagsakay sa mga kalokohan ko at dun sa konting love na binigay mo! Hindi rin kita makakalimutan and sorry din if I put you in the situation kung nasaan ka ngayon. For the last time, I love you... Goodbye!
Don't worry, I will remove everything that links us both after this....
Ironically, I'm worried he'll remove everything that linked us both. This is probably the last message I'll ever get from my "boyfriend". I cried after reading this. I felt so heartbroken that I cried. I can't hide my feelings to myself anymore. But I had it coming. Who in their sane mind would fall in love with someone who's leaving the country in two weeks? I didn't want to let go, because I already loved him. I honestly believed that we could work things out, but let's face it, it isn't happening. I am not a part of his dreams, Canada is, and I completely understand why.
And no, it wasn't konting love, damn it. I really loved him, but I was afraid since I knew there would be a time that I'll need to let go. Like I said, I'm not a part of his dreams.
I love you, pumpkin. But yeah, let's face it: you'll never be around to feel that, but at least I know that that isn't a lie. I love you, that's why I'm saying goodbye as well. It's painful as hell, but time can heal even the deepest of pains. You have a new life ahead of you, and I don't want to be in the way dahil baka sirain ko rin ang mga pangarap mo. We wouldn't want that now, do we? Good.
But really now, do take care pumpkin. I'll take the leisure in writing this nonsense since you won't be able to read this anyway. I know you know that I love you. I'll still wait for the pasabog you promised on my birthday, even if it isn't coming. I'll still wait for March to come, since you said you'll take me to Cebu, even if I know you'll go there without me. I love you, and take care always. Allergic ka pa naman sa lamig, eh ang lamig lamig dyan sa Canada. Sayang, wala akong copy ng picture natin together, ang pogi ko pa naman dun at bagay na bagay tayong dalawa. Miss na kita, at naiiyak na akong isiping hindi na kita makikita o makakausap man lang ulit. At oo, magpapasabog pa rin ako sa March kahit hindi mo na yun makikita, promise. I'll always set goals like you do to put some direction in my at-the-moment life.
I love you.
Hay.
Moving on, I took pride in myself that I never blamed anyone for the things that happened, no matter how screwed or fucked up they were. That was a terrible, seething lie. Now, I blame myself, and deep down inside, I blame my ex for everything bad that happened to my romantic life after I met him. Sinira ko mga pangarap mo? Well, sinira mo na rin ang mga pangarap ko. Sana masaya ka na para lubayan mo na ako, tangina. Gets ko naman kung bakit ayaw mo akong makipagsex sa iba, kasi delikado, baka magkasakit. Alam ko yun, salamat, pero bakit pati mga taong nagugustuhan ko? Bakit kailangan mong gawin yun? Akala ko gusto mo ako magkaroon ng boyfriend kasi natatakot ka na hindi na ako magkaroon ng boyfriend ulit dahil sa kinahinatnan ng relationship natin?
Stupidly enough, I ask these questions even if I have no intent of knowing the answer. Not that I don't like to, but because let's face it: it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And I'll just have a relationship with my right hand. Kung basted, edi sa kaliwa.
I'm not the person who'd say such horrible words. Think, yes, but say, no. Why am I saying them now? Wala lang, for a change. I've always tried to avoid conflict with my ex, but I always ended up starting them. I was always the one flaring up and barging in with a raised tone. Why? Because I always got frustrated about our situation. Wala kasing nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam kung ano talaga ang problema: ako, siya, o kaming dalawa.
And (apparently) on all counts of our 'disagreements', he always told me that I was a bastard liar. Well, probably it's true, because he fucking knows everything about the things I did or the people I met. You know, things that he or even my mother is not supposed to know? I feel dumb that apparently, I am at amiss how the world operates the word privacy.
"Ma, I'm calling to tell you that I'll be home late kasi I just had a romp with a man old enough to be my father at 15th Avenue here at Cubao. No fucking, delikado yun eh. Just some mutual sucking and jerking and some sweet intracrural. Ang laki ng titi niya! Oh yeah, bakla ako. You knew? Fucking fantastic. Ok see you later, love you lots bye."
No? I thought so.
But it's my fault that I do not delete messages in my inbox or change all passwords every half hour that passes. That's why in the first place, he knows everything I did. I'm not careful enough. Blame me. Please blame me.
Privacy and crime are two different things, right? How come I feel as if I'm being punished for doing things in my own, private life? I mean, having some sexytime with a person you've just met (which you should not do) is well, bad, but it's not like I ransacked a bank for a million bucks, right?
The way things I'm seeing it, several things can be happening here:
A) I do not have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol?
B) My ex does not know I have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol in his eyes?
C) My ex does not know how privacy operates. Not reading others' phone inbox or hacking emails and social networking accounts is a start.
D) Let's keep it general. It's a misunderstanding.
I'll bet my balls on the last one. But to place some effort in answering the question kung ano talaga ang dahilan, I'll say that it's him getting frustrated that I do not tell everyone about the vulgar and horrible things I do, you know, things that fall under the word privacy. He gets the shitty grits of a bad rep because he does all these stupid things just to make me spill my beans. I'm running on pure speculation here folks, but my guess is that he thinks I don't know what I'm doing in my life. What am I, a damned three year old?
I'll admit I'm exaggerating things here. But simply put, his point is that what I'm doing is wrong. My point is that he's not even supposed to know that thing I was doing, not on the grounds of I'm hiding dirty secrets from him, but just on the fact that I have a private life. His point: concern perhaps? My point: tangina bakit ka nanghihimasok sa buhay ko? Hindi naman ako pariwara at alam ko naman ang ginagawa ko. Sarili kong ngang nanay at tatay hindi ako pinapakialaman, hindi dahil wala silang pakialam, dahil alam nilang alam ko ang ginagawa ko at nirerespeto nila ang mga desisyon ko. He cares way too much, as if he's like an overprotective boyfriend, which is actually quite good. As a friend, I really do care, but as a boyfriend, I don't fucking give a damn anymore well since, matagal nang hindi kami.
I'd totally understand everything if we were in a romantic relationship together since partners need to be transparent to one anoth...oh.
Just shoot me in the head so it's all over. Do it as an act of mercy.
I know he has his reasons, and I won't force him to tell me if he doesn't want to. You know, privacy? Maybe my ex is right that I am shit clueless on what I'm doing, but there's one thing I know: I want him out of my life. I am sincerely sad that it has come to this, but I've been sad way too long. What's running in my mind is that a little bit more sadness won't hurt anymore if I can be given the chance to be happy afterwards. I'm clinging on the chance to be happy. I'm that desperate.
This post was all but vulgar rage accentuated with crisp expletives. Promise, I'll post something more levelheaded. Kaya nga part one ito eh.
Bakla ako. At kung hindi mo alam, bakla ka rin kasi pumatol ka sakin. Pero ako, hindi pailalim kung tumira. Kasi gawain lang ng bakla yun.
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