When I told my mom about being gay, she was worried for me above all things. She wasn't angry at me for being so, but she was troubled because she feared that I will grow to be a lonely person despite my cheerful disposition, since a lot of discreet gays end up being such. That night, I reassured her that she did not have to worry, because I chose to be gay and I wanted to stand by my decision. In my head, I said to myself that I am used to being alone anyway.
She was right. For the past few days, I've been in this limbo of being happy and being lonely. A part of me wants to find someone to share my life with, but a better part of me is content with what I am. Probably deep inside, I am still afraid of a relationship because of what became of my previous one.
I know I can do this. I am no longer the insecure boy who desperately tried to find security from a stranger. I now find strength within me. For now, that is enough for me to carry on, even if I am alone.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Project Kratos: Back to Start
Seven workouts in my new gym, I pulled a muscle in my groin due to squats, and strained my left wrist due to the bench. Both are getting better, but these injuries rocked my view on how I was performing under the bar.
Coach Oscar has told me twice on different days that I was doing some lifts with improper technique, na sayang ang buhat. True enough, I never felt the soreness I felt the first time I lifted. I asked him what the proper way was, but the problem was that what he taught me wasn't exactly the lifts I'm following. With that, I decided to deload all the weight I'm working on the next time I hit the gym to practice solely on technique. It is disappointing, since I am looking forward to a deadlift of 130lbs, but it's better this way: a crippling injury would be far more regretful rather that going back to start to improve my form.
Writing this now, I found that tt was the typical me: jumping straight into the heat of the battle without pausing to look at how things were faring.
Coach Oscar has told me twice on different days that I was doing some lifts with improper technique, na sayang ang buhat. True enough, I never felt the soreness I felt the first time I lifted. I asked him what the proper way was, but the problem was that what he taught me wasn't exactly the lifts I'm following. With that, I decided to deload all the weight I'm working on the next time I hit the gym to practice solely on technique. It is disappointing, since I am looking forward to a deadlift of 130lbs, but it's better this way: a crippling injury would be far more regretful rather that going back to start to improve my form.
Writing this now, I found that tt was the typical me: jumping straight into the heat of the battle without pausing to look at how things were faring.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Project Kratos: New Gym
For the past two weeks, I've started going to the gym again. I stopped for about three weeks because I unfortunately caught the flu which pinned me on my bed for at least two days, and then problems arose regarding the arrangement of my stay at Gold's. I also became very busy at work: double shifts were not unusual then (which caused my immune system to take a nosedive, hence the flu). Determined to meet my 170-lb-10%-BF goal in March 2013, I looked for a new gym and started to work out again. And I did find a gym, convenient enough for me to go to after work, along with some of my office mates as well.
Five workouts in my new gym, a coach told me that my form when squatting was poor -- I was arching my back way too much. He told me that the bar should only be on top of my shoulders and that I should not put out my buttocks way too far. I tried to follow his advice, but I found the style I was using, bar on the shoulder blades, more comfortable for me. Since I didn't want to look stubborn, so every time the coach passed by, I'd stop and do something else as a silly excuse for him not to watch.
Anyway, I feel my efforts are paying off. The fact that I'm sleeping early now is enough reason for me to keep working out. I'm looking forward to a deadlift of 130lbs -- about two or three weeks from now. Hopefully I can perfect my form so that when the heavier weights come along, I should be able to lift them without pulling a muscle.
Five workouts in my new gym, a coach told me that my form when squatting was poor -- I was arching my back way too much. He told me that the bar should only be on top of my shoulders and that I should not put out my buttocks way too far. I tried to follow his advice, but I found the style I was using, bar on the shoulder blades, more comfortable for me. Since I didn't want to look stubborn, so every time the coach passed by, I'd stop and do something else as a silly excuse for him not to watch.
Anyway, I feel my efforts are paying off. The fact that I'm sleeping early now is enough reason for me to keep working out. I'm looking forward to a deadlift of 130lbs -- about two or three weeks from now. Hopefully I can perfect my form so that when the heavier weights come along, I should be able to lift them without pulling a muscle.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Maturity: Floor (Part Twenty-Five)
I went to Ahm some days ago to ask if there was still an opportunity to be deployed onsite in Omega, my current project. He told me there still was. I asked him based on my performance if I was already qualified to be deployed onsite, and he told me that I should be a little bit more mature when it comes to work. I should learn how to resolve situations with a quick answer and a punctual follow-through. He also told me that I'll never truly understand what "maturity" meant unless I am able to experience an opportunity to act such: as a team lead.
In the almost over one hour that Ahm and I spent talking, the thing that stuck in my head the most was about strengths and weaknesses. He asked me the question whether if I'll sharpen my skills to overcome my weakness, or to focus my efforts to further improve my strength. After giving a partially slipshod answer of enhancing my strength, he reassured me that it was the better decision of the two. Focusing on my weakness and improving it will make me just mediocre at best, while taking my strengths and pushing them to the limits will outshine whatever weaknesses I might have. Besides, whatever I was weak on can be assigned to another person, Ahm wittily added.
Now, it's up to me to know what my real strengths and weaknesses are. I guess it is part of being mature.
In the almost over one hour that Ahm and I spent talking, the thing that stuck in my head the most was about strengths and weaknesses. He asked me the question whether if I'll sharpen my skills to overcome my weakness, or to focus my efforts to further improve my strength. After giving a partially slipshod answer of enhancing my strength, he reassured me that it was the better decision of the two. Focusing on my weakness and improving it will make me just mediocre at best, while taking my strengths and pushing them to the limits will outshine whatever weaknesses I might have. Besides, whatever I was weak on can be assigned to another person, Ahm wittily added.
Now, it's up to me to know what my real strengths and weaknesses are. I guess it is part of being mature.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Tenacity: Incomplete
Twelve years ago, I lost the person whom I called my father.
I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.
Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.
Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.
Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.
Zweihander, excerpt from 'Tatay, Miss na Kita'
August 3, 2009
Coming back to this post, I do wonder if Nanay and Tatay are happy in what I have become and what I have achieved. When I was a kid, they'll always lull me to sleep whenever I cried. Each and every time woke up, I always felt better. No matter what happened, I always found them beside me with a patient smile.
Nanay, Tatay, sorry if I turned out to be gay. But I'm proud to say that I'm a stronger person than before. Yes, I may be alone and incomplete under all the realities of life, but I no longer feel that I'm alone. I also have learned that being incomplete in itself is one of life's realities, and I'm trying my very best to be complete despite being incomplete.
Nanay, Tatay, I miss you both, but don't worry. Ang hirap, pero steady lang ako dito. I'm much more closer to Ma and Dad. They both know what I'm going through. Nanay, Tatay, I know both of you are always looking after me up there. Kita niyo naman, umiiyak ako ngayon. Huwag niyo sana ako pababayaan kasi alam niyo ang pinagdadaanan ko.
I love you.
I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.
Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.
Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.
Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.
Zweihander, excerpt from 'Tatay, Miss na Kita'
August 3, 2009
Coming back to this post, I do wonder if Nanay and Tatay are happy in what I have become and what I have achieved. When I was a kid, they'll always lull me to sleep whenever I cried. Each and every time woke up, I always felt better. No matter what happened, I always found them beside me with a patient smile.
Nanay, Tatay, sorry if I turned out to be gay. But I'm proud to say that I'm a stronger person than before. Yes, I may be alone and incomplete under all the realities of life, but I no longer feel that I'm alone. I also have learned that being incomplete in itself is one of life's realities, and I'm trying my very best to be complete despite being incomplete.
Nanay, Tatay, I miss you both, but don't worry. Ang hirap, pero steady lang ako dito. I'm much more closer to Ma and Dad. They both know what I'm going through. Nanay, Tatay, I know both of you are always looking after me up there. Kita niyo naman, umiiyak ako ngayon. Huwag niyo sana ako pababayaan kasi alam niyo ang pinagdadaanan ko.
I love you.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Strength's True Price
From what I've experienced time in and out, inner strength isn't something one is born with. The hearts of people grow weaker or stronger with each passing day. After a meaningful day, one either walks away teary eyed from all the opportunities for growth gone forever, or relieved because one survived, permanently changed by what experiences one faced. I can say this because the person writing this and myself six years ago are now
two completely different persons, but not without similarities.
I write this because for the past few days, I've never stopped thinking about all the what-ifs of my life. What if I did this? What if I chose not to do that? Rather than sulking about what could have become and living in regret, I always find myself looking for something worth learning in each time I stopped to ask myself. Never failing to pick up a tiny, shattered fragment of a better tomorrow, I have built myself a goal that I want to achieve in the future.
Making a choice in a crossroad of chances is a brave thing to do. Strength's true price is never knowing the answer to each and every what-if in our life.
We don't have to. We don't need to. That's why I can say I am stronger.
I choose to grow and be a better person not for somebody, but for myself. I am thankful that in everything that I went through, I always found a reason to learn and move forward. As Sum 41 puts it, holding onto the past will just make things worse for what little goodness is left. The worst part is that things are worse only for that person, and not for everybody else.
I write this because for the past few days, I've never stopped thinking about all the what-ifs of my life. What if I did this? What if I chose not to do that? Rather than sulking about what could have become and living in regret, I always find myself looking for something worth learning in each time I stopped to ask myself. Never failing to pick up a tiny, shattered fragment of a better tomorrow, I have built myself a goal that I want to achieve in the future.
Making a choice in a crossroad of chances is a brave thing to do. Strength's true price is never knowing the answer to each and every what-if in our life.
We don't have to. We don't need to. That's why I can say I am stronger.
I choose to grow and be a better person not for somebody, but for myself. I am thankful that in everything that I went through, I always found a reason to learn and move forward. As Sum 41 puts it, holding onto the past will just make things worse for what little goodness is left. The worst part is that things are worse only for that person, and not for everybody else.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Sum 41 - Makes No Difference
Makes No Difference
Sum 41
from the album Half Hour of Power
---
You're running fast and missing but cannot help convincing
The reasons you gave me are all wearing thin
It's not meant to hurt you but let me assure you
It's not what I said but intentions you've read
So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me
Now that you're older, life's weighing on your shoulders
You can't seem to keep things so perfectly straight
With most things so basic you might as well face it
You can't help but worry it's all just begun
So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference
So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me
It makes no difference
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference
It makes no difference to me
Monday, June 18, 2012
Stats (File 13)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 165lb 6oz / 75.1kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 21.5kg/m²
Age and Gender: 24M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 128 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 77 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 13.4%
Fat Mass: 22lb 0oz / 10.0kg
Free Fat Mass: 143lb 6oz / 65.1kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 82 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 103 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 75 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 142lb 8oz - 191lb 13oz / 64.7 - 87.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 23lb 5oz - 35lb 14oz / 10.6 - 16.3kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 165lb 6oz / 75.1kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 21.5kg/m²
Age and Gender: 24M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 128 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 77 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 13.4%
Fat Mass: 22lb 0oz / 10.0kg
Free Fat Mass: 143lb 6oz / 65.1kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 82 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 103 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 75 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 142lb 8oz - 191lb 13oz / 64.7 - 87.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 23lb 5oz - 35lb 14oz / 10.6 - 16.3kg
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Project Kratos (Phase I, 2/36)
Project Kratos is my effort to be stronger and lift heavy, with a better looking body only as a result. I'm following the Stronglifts 5x5 Workout: five sets of five reps each exercise, with the exception to the deadlift where it is done five sets of one rep each.
I decided to follow SL5x5 because I was never a fan of isolation exercises and I can't afford to stay for hours at the gym. SL5x5 focuses only on compound exercises, and it allows me to train in under an hour at the most. The core exercise of the workout is the squat, while it's core principle is to start light and progressively add weight each time I visit the gym.
Phase I of Project Kratos is 12 weeks: 36 workout sessions in total.
I started the program with the following stats:
Weight: 161lbs
Body Fat: 13.4%
Posts under this label will serve as my training journal to track my progress and as well thoughts about exercising and the gym for the next weeks to come.
---
Training Day 2 (06/16/12)
Workout B
SQUATS:
5x5 - 50lbs
(+5)
OVERHEAD PRESS:
5x5 - 45lbs
(base)
DEADLIFT:
1x5 - 90lbs
(base)
Training Day 1 (06/14/12):
Workout A
SQUATS:
45lbs, 5x5
(base)
BENCH PRESS:
45lbs, 5x5
(base)
BARBELL ROWS:
65lbs, 5x5
(base)
I was actually scared to go to gym for the very first time. I felt very conscious about other people looking at me while I squat an empty bar. But as soon as I entered the gym and did my business, I felt very relieved because people didn't pay too much attention on what other people were doing. It was like everybody at the gym had an agreement not to bother somebody else unless their form is putting them at great risk for injury. When I went to the gym today, I didn't have the uneasy feeling eating me inside out. I went, did my squats and lifts, took a shower, and left. The gym (at least my gym) was like a brotherhood where every individual values respect to another person's space and time. It was very different from what I had in mind: a place packing beefy men snickering at a thin person's attempt to lift weights as thin as he was.
As Napoleon Hill places it, "neglecting to broaden their view has kept some men doing one thing all their lives."
I decided to follow SL5x5 because I was never a fan of isolation exercises and I can't afford to stay for hours at the gym. SL5x5 focuses only on compound exercises, and it allows me to train in under an hour at the most. The core exercise of the workout is the squat, while it's core principle is to start light and progressively add weight each time I visit the gym.
Phase I of Project Kratos is 12 weeks: 36 workout sessions in total.
I started the program with the following stats:
Weight: 161lbs
Body Fat: 13.4%
Posts under this label will serve as my training journal to track my progress and as well thoughts about exercising and the gym for the next weeks to come.
---
Training Day 2 (06/16/12)
Workout B
SQUATS:
5x5 - 50lbs
(+5)
OVERHEAD PRESS:
5x5 - 45lbs
(base)
DEADLIFT:
1x5 - 90lbs
(base)
Training Day 1 (06/14/12):
Workout A
SQUATS:
45lbs, 5x5
(base)
BENCH PRESS:
45lbs, 5x5
(base)
BARBELL ROWS:
65lbs, 5x5
(base)
I was actually scared to go to gym for the very first time. I felt very conscious about other people looking at me while I squat an empty bar. But as soon as I entered the gym and did my business, I felt very relieved because people didn't pay too much attention on what other people were doing. It was like everybody at the gym had an agreement not to bother somebody else unless their form is putting them at great risk for injury. When I went to the gym today, I didn't have the uneasy feeling eating me inside out. I went, did my squats and lifts, took a shower, and left. The gym (at least my gym) was like a brotherhood where every individual values respect to another person's space and time. It was very different from what I had in mind: a place packing beefy men snickering at a thin person's attempt to lift weights as thin as he was.
As Napoleon Hill places it, "neglecting to broaden their view has kept some men doing one thing all their lives."
Friday, June 8, 2012
Tenacity: Ironies
HAPPINESS IS A DELUSION OF YOURSELF.
How can you be happy if you know that you won't be in the future? Happiness is just a drug to go to a nice world full of fake realities. Upon entering the state of happiness, you are blinding yourself from the truth of this harsh society. Happiness may be the saddest thing in the whole colorful world of emotions. How come? Being happy is a very selfish act. I mean, how can someone be happy if the people around him/her isn't? In my experience, happiness cannot be created. In order to feel happy, you must make someone sad. See how wrong happiness is? When you are happy, you are an agent of the vicious cycle of happiness. And sometimes, a defeat hurts more after a period of extreme happiness. It really, really does.
Being happy forever isn't possible.
Being content is enough.
But being content is like being happy.
But keep it to yourself.
This way the cycle loses a catalyst.
Zweihander, 'Ironies'
December 13, 2006
This is one of the reasons I try to keep a blog. Keeping track of myself through writing makes me see how little or how much I have changed as a person.
I no longer believe what I said almost six years ago. True, being content is enough, but being content isn't the same as being happy. Being content brings a much more profound sense of peace. Happiness can be a mask to hide sad lies, but nothing can replace the feeling of being content. It is a freedom from the yearning to be always happy and fear of being miserably alone in solitude because deep down inside, I know that I can make it through.
Even though I have a lot of mistakes resting on my shoulders, I can now say that I believe in myself. And that is what matters most.
How can you be happy if you know that you won't be in the future? Happiness is just a drug to go to a nice world full of fake realities. Upon entering the state of happiness, you are blinding yourself from the truth of this harsh society. Happiness may be the saddest thing in the whole colorful world of emotions. How come? Being happy is a very selfish act. I mean, how can someone be happy if the people around him/her isn't? In my experience, happiness cannot be created. In order to feel happy, you must make someone sad. See how wrong happiness is? When you are happy, you are an agent of the vicious cycle of happiness. And sometimes, a defeat hurts more after a period of extreme happiness. It really, really does.
Being happy forever isn't possible.
Being content is enough.
But being content is like being happy.
But keep it to yourself.
This way the cycle loses a catalyst.
Zweihander, 'Ironies'
December 13, 2006
This is one of the reasons I try to keep a blog. Keeping track of myself through writing makes me see how little or how much I have changed as a person.
I no longer believe what I said almost six years ago. True, being content is enough, but being content isn't the same as being happy. Being content brings a much more profound sense of peace. Happiness can be a mask to hide sad lies, but nothing can replace the feeling of being content. It is a freedom from the yearning to be always happy and fear of being miserably alone in solitude because deep down inside, I know that I can make it through.
Even though I have a lot of mistakes resting on my shoulders, I can now say that I believe in myself. And that is what matters most.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
(Happy) Birthday - 24
Yesterday, I turned 24. I wasn't excited about it.
My birthday this year probably had to be the worst I've ever had. But I have to reluctantly say that this particular birthday was one of the best as well.
Worst, simply because a lot of things happened that either broke my heart, or broke my heart even more. My birthday had a sad prologue of tears and heartbreaks which simply made me lose my will to love ever again. Everything that happened was just too much to bear that I had to throw in the towel.
The best in an unsure tone because I learned a lot. I really do mean a lot. I became a little stronger, and in my current situation, that is enough for me to be content. It's just disheartening that things had to end that way.
People wished me happiness in my birthday, but honestly, my birthday would be a sad one and would never, ever be complete.
My wish? For things to get better for everybody. I didn't wish for happiness because let's face it: I won't be completely happy no matter what happened. I just prayed that whatever obstacles I encounter, I'd have the strength to carry on with life.
But seriously, I just hope things get much, much better when I turn 25.
Pumpkin, I patiently waited for your pasabog today even if I knew it wasn't coming. Tanga no? Naisip ko kung naalala mo bang birthday ko ngayon, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Sana maayos ka na dyan sa Canada. I miss you so much. Hindi lumilipas ang araw na hindi kita naiisip. Just give me time na makamove on. It's hard, but I'll forget my feelings for you when the time comes. Like I said, I will never forget you. I love you.
My birthday this year probably had to be the worst I've ever had. But I have to reluctantly say that this particular birthday was one of the best as well.
Worst, simply because a lot of things happened that either broke my heart, or broke my heart even more. My birthday had a sad prologue of tears and heartbreaks which simply made me lose my will to love ever again. Everything that happened was just too much to bear that I had to throw in the towel.
The best in an unsure tone because I learned a lot. I really do mean a lot. I became a little stronger, and in my current situation, that is enough for me to be content. It's just disheartening that things had to end that way.
People wished me happiness in my birthday, but honestly, my birthday would be a sad one and would never, ever be complete.
My wish? For things to get better for everybody. I didn't wish for happiness because let's face it: I won't be completely happy no matter what happened. I just prayed that whatever obstacles I encounter, I'd have the strength to carry on with life.
But seriously, I just hope things get much, much better when I turn 25.
Pumpkin, I patiently waited for your pasabog today even if I knew it wasn't coming. Tanga no? Naisip ko kung naalala mo bang birthday ko ngayon, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Sana maayos ka na dyan sa Canada. I miss you so much. Hindi lumilipas ang araw na hindi kita naiisip. Just give me time na makamove on. It's hard, but I'll forget my feelings for you when the time comes. Like I said, I will never forget you. I love you.
Truth (Part Three)
This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of
sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for
the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my
posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these
will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you,
dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do
yourself a favor and close this tab.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
My ex dropped me a line last Friday:
The first few words that immediately popped into my mind was and fuck you too. Sana hinayaan mo na lang talaga ako, pakialamero. We've been through this for at least four times, sans the pakialamero part. I always felt a strong sense of compassion sweep inside me every time we had this conversation, but last Friday was different. I'd admit I still felt some soft feelings inside me, but I forced myself to wear a poker face, shrug indifferently, and harden my calloused heart.
See? Until the end, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was still quite worried about him. He's at his weakest and needs help, but that help would not be coming from me.
And to think that my ex doubted me that I loved him to the point that I doubted even myself. But after all that happened, I'd just swallow what was once my true feelings and tell myself that I never really loved him to begin with. It makes things far more easier and simpler. Why? I'm so broken right now that I cannot afford to have a strenuous emotional life: I'd implode from all the pressure and much unwanted stress and tension. Besides, I don't love him anymore. Rather, I'd love him to leave my life.
I don't regret anything that I went through, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to experience all the fuck and shit that has happened. Regret won't grant me anything but a desire for vengeance. I'd rather treasure all the bitter realities I've learned and experienced to build myself anew.
This time, I'm really leaving without you.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
My ex dropped me a line last Friday:
ayaw ko ng mag sorry kase paulit ulit na lang ,saka na lang siguro pag natama ko na yung mali ko sa sarili ko.
tinatanggap ko naman na naging obsess ako
pakialamero..sana hinayaan na lang kita
pero hanggang sana na lang yun kase nagawa ko
wala na akong magagawa dun kundi lumayo na lang sayo
thanks for everything !
alam mo naman pala eh bakit kinailangan mo pang gawin lahat ng ginawa mo?
sa susunod wag ka lang hanggang "sana"
gawin mo
first friday ngayon
nagmisa ako
nung pinikit ko mata ko para magdasal
tangina naluha ako
kunin mo na lahat ng gamit mo sa bahay
intindihin mo na ayaw na kitang makausap, di ko na sasabihin ang dahilan
alam mo na yun
hindi mo na kailangan magpaliwanag kasi bale wala na rin
alagaan mo na lang sarili mo palagi
kaya mo yan
salamat
goodbye
i'm sorry if i sound so mean
pero kailangan ko ito gawin
kailangan natin itong dalawa
See? Until the end, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was still quite worried about him. He's at his weakest and needs help, but that help would not be coming from me.
And to think that my ex doubted me that I loved him to the point that I doubted even myself. But after all that happened, I'd just swallow what was once my true feelings and tell myself that I never really loved him to begin with. It makes things far more easier and simpler. Why? I'm so broken right now that I cannot afford to have a strenuous emotional life: I'd implode from all the pressure and much unwanted stress and tension. Besides, I don't love him anymore. Rather, I'd love him to leave my life.
I don't regret anything that I went through, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to experience all the fuck and shit that has happened. Regret won't grant me anything but a desire for vengeance. I'd rather treasure all the bitter realities I've learned and experienced to build myself anew.
This time, I'm really leaving without you.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Truth (Part Two)
This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of
sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for
the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my
posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these
will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you,
dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do
yourself a favor and close this tab.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
Ano talaga ang dahilan?
Pakialamero siya kasi.
Everything would have been better if my ex minded his own life. I can't say if he found his life too dull and boring that he ended up always meddling with my life. I'm not saying this to insult him or start another fight (which would probably happen if he reads this, but I don't give no shit anymore). I am stating it now because that is what I see as the truth, and he needs to realize that that is the truth.
He always told me to tell the truth to my mom because his image was so destroyed when she had to step in between us in an extremely physical fight. He wanted me to tell to my mom everything naughty I did because apparently, those things were the cause of all his resentment and anger towards me. I thought to myself, why should I do that? Don't I have the right to live a part of my life in private?
At tama bang dapat raw magkasundo sila ng magiging boyfriend ko kasi raw kuya ko na raw siya ngayon? Ni tunay ko ngang kuya hindi ako pinapakailaman sa personal kong buhay, siya pa kayang kuya-kuyahan ko raw?
Go destroy the dreams and life of somebody else. You've already destroyed mine. And no, I didn't destroy no fucking dream of yours. You wrecked your own life and dreams because you allowed yourself to become such a horrible person. Hindi mo ba na-gets kung bakit gusto kong maayos yung problema natin? Uulitin ko, kasi sobrang miserable mo na, at alam mong hindi ko gustong ganyan ka. Kung anu-ano na ang ginagawa mong katarantaduhan. Para ano, mapansin kita? Nakuha mo na ang gusto mo kasi pansin na pansin na kita ngayon, kaya lubayan mo na ako. Tanginang buhay to.
But I think it's my fault for allowing him to be still part of my intimate life. I'd admit that we still had sex long after we broke up, but I clearly told him that sex was just sex. It was just a release of carnal desire, and it did not contain any romantic feelings. But probably that didn't work out for him. Maybe he still thought there was still something else going on, that the "buck fuddy" thing didn't work out for him. I'd like to say the shit I am now is all my fault, but who am I kidding? Probably own pathetic self.
Now that I've cut my connections with him, let's see what will happen. I've given too much fuck about him, and I think it's about time that I move on with my own life, preferably without him. Harsh as it may sound, I'd rather life a life full of shit rather than to be with him ever again. It's just he's caused me too much frustration, grief, and pain already -- and to think that he calls himself my "big brother"?
Shit.
I probably caused him so much unneeded frustration, grief, and pain as well, but it's his fault that he felt that way. He told me before that until now, he loved me very much. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't love that he was feeling, it was turning into a sick obsession. Why? Because if you really love a person, you'll let go so that the person you love would be happy -- a lot of people would attest to that. It's a painful sacrifice, but it is the correct and healthy choice. What did he do? He stalked me and destroyed possible relationships with two wonderful people that I could have been in. He wanted me to be still with him, out of either sheer selfishness or some other reason I no longer have interest in knowing, even if he clearly knew my happiness was no longer with him. I told him that I wanted to be good friends with him, but I was not willing to be his boyfriend ever again. Looking back at all the tears I held back and painfully shed because of him, I should have just let him leave our house as soon as I broke up with him. Honestly, I didn't do so because I was terribly afraid of what would happen to both of us, but looking at what has happened to us now, it was an unforgivable mistake. Both of us didn't deserve anything painful that has happened in the past year and a half.
I told my friend that no need to worry, I am coping up in my own way. She was worried because I told her that I felt so bitterly alone even if I knew that I wasn't. I manage by just looking forward to the time wherein I'd be thankful for everything that has happened because it made me as strong as I could possibly be.
I still believe that time will come.
Pumpkin, first day mo sa work ngayon. I know you are doing great, ikaw pa. I wrote three new goals today. Sa totoo lang, I shouldn't be thinking of you anymore, but I just can't help it. Promise, I'll forget you as soon as I can, hindi lang talaga ngayon. Hayaan mo lang muna akong manghinayang sa nasayang nating relationship. Ingat ka palagi, and always remember that I love you very much.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
Ano talaga ang dahilan?
Pakialamero siya kasi.
Everything would have been better if my ex minded his own life. I can't say if he found his life too dull and boring that he ended up always meddling with my life. I'm not saying this to insult him or start another fight (which would probably happen if he reads this, but I don't give no shit anymore). I am stating it now because that is what I see as the truth, and he needs to realize that that is the truth.
He always told me to tell the truth to my mom because his image was so destroyed when she had to step in between us in an extremely physical fight. He wanted me to tell to my mom everything naughty I did because apparently, those things were the cause of all his resentment and anger towards me. I thought to myself, why should I do that? Don't I have the right to live a part of my life in private?
At tama bang dapat raw magkasundo sila ng magiging boyfriend ko kasi raw kuya ko na raw siya ngayon? Ni tunay ko ngang kuya hindi ako pinapakailaman sa personal kong buhay, siya pa kayang kuya-kuyahan ko raw?
Go destroy the dreams and life of somebody else. You've already destroyed mine. And no, I didn't destroy no fucking dream of yours. You wrecked your own life and dreams because you allowed yourself to become such a horrible person. Hindi mo ba na-gets kung bakit gusto kong maayos yung problema natin? Uulitin ko, kasi sobrang miserable mo na, at alam mong hindi ko gustong ganyan ka. Kung anu-ano na ang ginagawa mong katarantaduhan. Para ano, mapansin kita? Nakuha mo na ang gusto mo kasi pansin na pansin na kita ngayon, kaya lubayan mo na ako. Tanginang buhay to.
But I think it's my fault for allowing him to be still part of my intimate life. I'd admit that we still had sex long after we broke up, but I clearly told him that sex was just sex. It was just a release of carnal desire, and it did not contain any romantic feelings. But probably that didn't work out for him. Maybe he still thought there was still something else going on, that the "buck fuddy" thing didn't work out for him. I'd like to say the shit I am now is all my fault, but who am I kidding? Probably own pathetic self.
Now that I've cut my connections with him, let's see what will happen. I've given too much fuck about him, and I think it's about time that I move on with my own life, preferably without him. Harsh as it may sound, I'd rather life a life full of shit rather than to be with him ever again. It's just he's caused me too much frustration, grief, and pain already -- and to think that he calls himself my "big brother"?
Shit.
I probably caused him so much unneeded frustration, grief, and pain as well, but it's his fault that he felt that way. He told me before that until now, he loved me very much. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't love that he was feeling, it was turning into a sick obsession. Why? Because if you really love a person, you'll let go so that the person you love would be happy -- a lot of people would attest to that. It's a painful sacrifice, but it is the correct and healthy choice. What did he do? He stalked me and destroyed possible relationships with two wonderful people that I could have been in. He wanted me to be still with him, out of either sheer selfishness or some other reason I no longer have interest in knowing, even if he clearly knew my happiness was no longer with him. I told him that I wanted to be good friends with him, but I was not willing to be his boyfriend ever again. Looking back at all the tears I held back and painfully shed because of him, I should have just let him leave our house as soon as I broke up with him. Honestly, I didn't do so because I was terribly afraid of what would happen to both of us, but looking at what has happened to us now, it was an unforgivable mistake. Both of us didn't deserve anything painful that has happened in the past year and a half.
I told my friend that no need to worry, I am coping up in my own way. She was worried because I told her that I felt so bitterly alone even if I knew that I wasn't. I manage by just looking forward to the time wherein I'd be thankful for everything that has happened because it made me as strong as I could possibly be.
I still believe that time will come.
Pumpkin, first day mo sa work ngayon. I know you are doing great, ikaw pa. I wrote three new goals today. Sa totoo lang, I shouldn't be thinking of you anymore, but I just can't help it. Promise, I'll forget you as soon as I can, hindi lang talaga ngayon. Hayaan mo lang muna akong manghinayang sa nasayang nating relationship. Ingat ka palagi, and always remember that I love you very much.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Truth (Part One)
This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you, dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do yourself a favor and close this tab.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
The context: very very bad misunderstanding between me, my ex, and my "boyfriend" who is now in Canada. Ex being having broken up since December 2010 from a one and a half year relationship. "Boyfriend" in quotes since neither of us asked the other if he'll be one, but we have already told each other our feelings for one another. And I'm gay.
I received a text message from my ex:
Sana kung magkikwento k
The problem is I never lied. Cross my heart, hope to die. I'm swearing in God's name that I didn't lie even if it's a horrible thing to do. I am that sincere I didn't lie. Everything was just a big swab of fucked-up misunderstandings. I'm so sick of not knowing what to think, since apparently every time I open my stupid mouth, a whole lot of fuck happens. And I'm not so sure if that's supposed to happen. I feel so ignorant, or maybe even controlled. Fuck you, intelligent and free world.
And yeah, I hate it when you substitute mo to u when texting. I'm pathetic, since even the littlest and most trivial of things I can no longer take. I read this as sabihin you kung bakit tayo nag-away at sabihin you kung ano talaga ang dahilan. Hilarious.
i told the truth. van either
misunderstood or told a lie.
i'm sorry if it counts. but it
doesn't matter now. van cut
whatever relationship we have.
just pay your dues to ma and me.
don't text me again. thanks.
The (non-verbatim) text message I sent in reply a few hours ago. I should have sent that message (or at least the last two sentences excluding 'thanks' part) a year and a half ago, but nonetheless, this is the start of picking up the pieces of what I have left. If I only had the balls to tell my ex that it's over, so go leave the house since we know the you still living here scheme isn't happening, everything would be at least better. But no. I just told him that it's over, but you can still stay here dahil may pinagsamahan tayo. I was too kindhearted and naive, him being my first boyfriend. If I steeled through and gave him the boot to the ass, our wounds would have long healed by now. Maybe both of us are happy with each others' lives. But no. The past year and a half was nothing but a big swash of lies. Lies to myself, lies to other people, lies to the whole fucking humankind. Lies that did nothing but to make the wounds of breaking up only worse.
May pinagsamahan tayo. I can't believe I still thought that way even if he told me that I destroyed his fucking dreams. Sinira mo ang mga pangarap ko, he said. I honestly got deeply hurt when he said that to my face, but I didn't fucking weep. That was not a lie, isn't it? Maybe it was. Lies, sweet lies.
I understand Sweetie, I won't insist... I just wanna thank you for everything sa mga pagsakay sa mga kalokohan ko at dun sa konting love na binigay mo! Hindi rin kita makakalimutan and sorry din if I put you in the situation kung nasaan ka ngayon. For the last time, I love you... Goodbye!
Don't worry, I will remove everything that links us both after this....
Ironically, I'm worried he'll remove everything that linked us both. This is probably the last message I'll ever get from my "boyfriend". I cried after reading this. I felt so heartbroken that I cried. I can't hide my feelings to myself anymore. But I had it coming. Who in their sane mind would fall in love with someone who's leaving the country in two weeks? I didn't want to let go, because I already loved him. I honestly believed that we could work things out, but let's face it, it isn't happening. I am not a part of his dreams, Canada is, and I completely understand why.
And no, it wasn't konting love, damn it. I really loved him, but I was afraid since I knew there would be a time that I'll need to let go. Like I said, I'm not a part of his dreams.
I love you, pumpkin. But yeah, let's face it: you'll never be around to feel that, but at least I know that that isn't a lie. I love you, that's why I'm saying goodbye as well. It's painful as hell, but time can heal even the deepest of pains. You have a new life ahead of you, and I don't want to be in the way dahil baka sirain ko rin ang mga pangarap mo. We wouldn't want that now, do we? Good.
But really now, do take care pumpkin. I'll take the leisure in writing this nonsense since you won't be able to read this anyway. I know you know that I love you. I'll still wait for the pasabog you promised on my birthday, even if it isn't coming. I'll still wait for March to come, since you said you'll take me to Cebu, even if I know you'll go there without me. I love you, and take care always. Allergic ka pa naman sa lamig, eh ang lamig lamig dyan sa Canada. Sayang, wala akong copy ng picture natin together, ang pogi ko pa naman dun at bagay na bagay tayong dalawa. Miss na kita, at naiiyak na akong isiping hindi na kita makikita o makakausap man lang ulit. At oo, magpapasabog pa rin ako sa March kahit hindi mo na yun makikita, promise. I'll always set goals like you do to put some direction in my at-the-moment life.
I love you.
Hay.
Moving on, I took pride in myself that I never blamed anyone for the things that happened, no matter how screwed or fucked up they were. That was a terrible, seething lie. Now, I blame myself, and deep down inside, I blame my ex for everything bad that happened to my romantic life after I met him. Sinira ko mga pangarap mo? Well, sinira mo na rin ang mga pangarap ko. Sana masaya ka na para lubayan mo na ako, tangina. Gets ko naman kung bakit ayaw mo akong makipagsex sa iba, kasi delikado, baka magkasakit. Alam ko yun, salamat, pero bakit pati mga taong nagugustuhan ko? Bakit kailangan mong gawin yun? Akala ko gusto mo ako magkaroon ng boyfriend kasi natatakot ka na hindi na ako magkaroon ng boyfriend ulit dahil sa kinahinatnan ng relationship natin?
Stupidly enough, I ask these questions even if I have no intent of knowing the answer. Not that I don't like to, but because let's face it: it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And I'll just have a relationship with my right hand. Kung basted, edi sa kaliwa.
I'm not the person who'd say such horrible words. Think, yes, but say, no. Why am I saying them now? Wala lang, for a change. I've always tried to avoid conflict with my ex, but I always ended up starting them. I was always the one flaring up and barging in with a raised tone. Why? Because I always got frustrated about our situation. Wala kasing nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam kung ano talaga ang problema: ako, siya, o kaming dalawa.
And (apparently) on all counts of our 'disagreements', he always told me that I was a bastard liar. Well, probably it's true, because he fucking knows everything about the things I did or the people I met. You know, things that he or even my mother is not supposed to know? I feel dumb that apparently, I am at amiss how the world operates the word privacy.
"Ma, I'm calling to tell you that I'll be home late kasi I just had a romp with a man old enough to be my father at 15th Avenue here at Cubao. No fucking, delikado yun eh. Just some mutual sucking and jerking and some sweet intracrural. Ang laki ng titi niya! Oh yeah, bakla ako. You knew? Fucking fantastic. Ok see you later, love you lots bye."
No? I thought so.
But it's my fault that I do not delete messages in my inbox or change all passwords every half hour that passes. That's why in the first place, he knows everything I did. I'm not careful enough. Blame me. Please blame me.
Privacy and crime are two different things, right? How come I feel as if I'm being punished for doing things in my own, private life? I mean, having some sexytime with a person you've just met (which you should not do) is well, bad, but it's not like I ransacked a bank for a million bucks, right?
The way things I'm seeing it, several things can be happening here:
A) I do not have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol?
B) My ex does not know I have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol in his eyes?
C) My ex does not know how privacy operates. Not reading others' phone inbox or hacking emails and social networking accounts is a start.
D) Let's keep it general. It's a misunderstanding.
I'll bet my balls on the last one. But to place some effort in answering the question kung ano talaga ang dahilan, I'll say that it's him getting frustrated that I do not tell everyone about the vulgar and horrible things I do, you know, things that fall under the word privacy. He gets the shitty grits of a bad rep because he does all these stupid things just to make me spill my beans. I'm running on pure speculation here folks, but my guess is that he thinks I don't know what I'm doing in my life. What am I, a damned three year old?
I'll admit I'm exaggerating things here. But simply put, his point is that what I'm doing is wrong. My point is that he's not even supposed to know that thing I was doing, not on the grounds of I'm hiding dirty secrets from him, but just on the fact that I have a private life. His point: concern perhaps? My point: tangina bakit ka nanghihimasok sa buhay ko? Hindi naman ako pariwara at alam ko naman ang ginagawa ko. Sarili kong ngang nanay at tatay hindi ako pinapakialaman, hindi dahil wala silang pakialam, dahil alam nilang alam ko ang ginagawa ko at nirerespeto nila ang mga desisyon ko. He cares way too much, as if he's like an overprotective boyfriend, which is actually quite good. As a friend, I really do care, but as a boyfriend, I don't fucking give a damn anymore well since, matagal nang hindi kami.
I'd totally understand everything if we were in a romantic relationship together since partners need to be transparent to one anoth...oh.
Just shoot me in the head so it's all over. Do it as an act of mercy.
I know he has his reasons, and I won't force him to tell me if he doesn't want to. You know, privacy? Maybe my ex is right that I am shit clueless on what I'm doing, but there's one thing I know: I want him out of my life. I am sincerely sad that it has come to this, but I've been sad way too long. What's running in my mind is that a little bit more sadness won't hurt anymore if I can be given the chance to be happy afterwards. I'm clinging on the chance to be happy. I'm that desperate.
This post was all but vulgar rage accentuated with crisp expletives. Promise, I'll post something more levelheaded. Kaya nga part one ito eh.
Bakla ako. At kung hindi mo alam, bakla ka rin kasi pumatol ka sakin. Pero ako, hindi pailalim kung tumira. Kasi gawain lang ng bakla yun.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
The context: very very bad misunderstanding between me, my ex, and my "boyfriend" who is now in Canada. Ex being having broken up since December 2010 from a one and a half year relationship. "Boyfriend" in quotes since neither of us asked the other if he'll be one, but we have already told each other our feelings for one another. And I'm gay.
I received a text message from my ex:
Sana kung magkikwento k
sa iba ung t0t0o.tnx!
sbhn u kung bkt tau nag away
at sbhn u kung anu talaga
ang dahilan.
The problem is I never lied. Cross my heart, hope to die. I'm swearing in God's name that I didn't lie even if it's a horrible thing to do. I am that sincere I didn't lie. Everything was just a big swab of fucked-up misunderstandings. I'm so sick of not knowing what to think, since apparently every time I open my stupid mouth, a whole lot of fuck happens. And I'm not so sure if that's supposed to happen. I feel so ignorant, or maybe even controlled. Fuck you, intelligent and free world.
And yeah, I hate it when you substitute mo to u when texting. I'm pathetic, since even the littlest and most trivial of things I can no longer take. I read this as sabihin you kung bakit tayo nag-away at sabihin you kung ano talaga ang dahilan. Hilarious.
i told the truth. van either
misunderstood or told a lie.
i'm sorry if it counts. but it
doesn't matter now. van cut
whatever relationship we have.
just pay your dues to ma and me.
don't text me again. thanks.
The (non-verbatim) text message I sent in reply a few hours ago. I should have sent that message (or at least the last two sentences excluding 'thanks' part) a year and a half ago, but nonetheless, this is the start of picking up the pieces of what I have left. If I only had the balls to tell my ex that it's over, so go leave the house since we know the you still living here scheme isn't happening, everything would be at least better. But no. I just told him that it's over, but you can still stay here dahil may pinagsamahan tayo. I was too kindhearted and naive, him being my first boyfriend. If I steeled through and gave him the boot to the ass, our wounds would have long healed by now. Maybe both of us are happy with each others' lives. But no. The past year and a half was nothing but a big swash of lies. Lies to myself, lies to other people, lies to the whole fucking humankind. Lies that did nothing but to make the wounds of breaking up only worse.
May pinagsamahan tayo. I can't believe I still thought that way even if he told me that I destroyed his fucking dreams. Sinira mo ang mga pangarap ko, he said. I honestly got deeply hurt when he said that to my face, but I didn't fucking weep. That was not a lie, isn't it? Maybe it was. Lies, sweet lies.
I understand Sweetie, I won't insist... I just wanna thank you for everything sa mga pagsakay sa mga kalokohan ko at dun sa konting love na binigay mo! Hindi rin kita makakalimutan and sorry din if I put you in the situation kung nasaan ka ngayon. For the last time, I love you... Goodbye!
Don't worry, I will remove everything that links us both after this....
Ironically, I'm worried he'll remove everything that linked us both. This is probably the last message I'll ever get from my "boyfriend". I cried after reading this. I felt so heartbroken that I cried. I can't hide my feelings to myself anymore. But I had it coming. Who in their sane mind would fall in love with someone who's leaving the country in two weeks? I didn't want to let go, because I already loved him. I honestly believed that we could work things out, but let's face it, it isn't happening. I am not a part of his dreams, Canada is, and I completely understand why.
And no, it wasn't konting love, damn it. I really loved him, but I was afraid since I knew there would be a time that I'll need to let go. Like I said, I'm not a part of his dreams.
I love you, pumpkin. But yeah, let's face it: you'll never be around to feel that, but at least I know that that isn't a lie. I love you, that's why I'm saying goodbye as well. It's painful as hell, but time can heal even the deepest of pains. You have a new life ahead of you, and I don't want to be in the way dahil baka sirain ko rin ang mga pangarap mo. We wouldn't want that now, do we? Good.
But really now, do take care pumpkin. I'll take the leisure in writing this nonsense since you won't be able to read this anyway. I know you know that I love you. I'll still wait for the pasabog you promised on my birthday, even if it isn't coming. I'll still wait for March to come, since you said you'll take me to Cebu, even if I know you'll go there without me. I love you, and take care always. Allergic ka pa naman sa lamig, eh ang lamig lamig dyan sa Canada. Sayang, wala akong copy ng picture natin together, ang pogi ko pa naman dun at bagay na bagay tayong dalawa. Miss na kita, at naiiyak na akong isiping hindi na kita makikita o makakausap man lang ulit. At oo, magpapasabog pa rin ako sa March kahit hindi mo na yun makikita, promise. I'll always set goals like you do to put some direction in my at-the-moment life.
I love you.
Hay.
Moving on, I took pride in myself that I never blamed anyone for the things that happened, no matter how screwed or fucked up they were. That was a terrible, seething lie. Now, I blame myself, and deep down inside, I blame my ex for everything bad that happened to my romantic life after I met him. Sinira ko mga pangarap mo? Well, sinira mo na rin ang mga pangarap ko. Sana masaya ka na para lubayan mo na ako, tangina. Gets ko naman kung bakit ayaw mo akong makipagsex sa iba, kasi delikado, baka magkasakit. Alam ko yun, salamat, pero bakit pati mga taong nagugustuhan ko? Bakit kailangan mong gawin yun? Akala ko gusto mo ako magkaroon ng boyfriend kasi natatakot ka na hindi na ako magkaroon ng boyfriend ulit dahil sa kinahinatnan ng relationship natin?
Stupidly enough, I ask these questions even if I have no intent of knowing the answer. Not that I don't like to, but because let's face it: it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And I'll just have a relationship with my right hand. Kung basted, edi sa kaliwa.
I'm not the person who'd say such horrible words. Think, yes, but say, no. Why am I saying them now? Wala lang, for a change. I've always tried to avoid conflict with my ex, but I always ended up starting them. I was always the one flaring up and barging in with a raised tone. Why? Because I always got frustrated about our situation. Wala kasing nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam kung ano talaga ang problema: ako, siya, o kaming dalawa.
And (apparently) on all counts of our 'disagreements', he always told me that I was a bastard liar. Well, probably it's true, because he fucking knows everything about the things I did or the people I met. You know, things that he or even my mother is not supposed to know? I feel dumb that apparently, I am at amiss how the world operates the word privacy.
"Ma, I'm calling to tell you that I'll be home late kasi I just had a romp with a man old enough to be my father at 15th Avenue here at Cubao. No fucking, delikado yun eh. Just some mutual sucking and jerking and some sweet intracrural. Ang laki ng titi niya! Oh yeah, bakla ako. You knew? Fucking fantastic. Ok see you later, love you lots bye."
No? I thought so.
But it's my fault that I do not delete messages in my inbox or change all passwords every half hour that passes. That's why in the first place, he knows everything I did. I'm not careful enough. Blame me. Please blame me.
Privacy and crime are two different things, right? How come I feel as if I'm being punished for doing things in my own, private life? I mean, having some sexytime with a person you've just met (which you should not do) is well, bad, but it's not like I ransacked a bank for a million bucks, right?
The way things I'm seeing it, several things can be happening here:
A) I do not have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol?
B) My ex does not know I have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol in his eyes?
C) My ex does not know how privacy operates. Not reading others' phone inbox or hacking emails and social networking accounts is a start.
D) Let's keep it general. It's a misunderstanding.
I'll bet my balls on the last one. But to place some effort in answering the question kung ano talaga ang dahilan, I'll say that it's him getting frustrated that I do not tell everyone about the vulgar and horrible things I do, you know, things that fall under the word privacy. He gets the shitty grits of a bad rep because he does all these stupid things just to make me spill my beans. I'm running on pure speculation here folks, but my guess is that he thinks I don't know what I'm doing in my life. What am I, a damned three year old?
I'll admit I'm exaggerating things here. But simply put, his point is that what I'm doing is wrong. My point is that he's not even supposed to know that thing I was doing, not on the grounds of I'm hiding dirty secrets from him, but just on the fact that I have a private life. His point: concern perhaps? My point: tangina bakit ka nanghihimasok sa buhay ko? Hindi naman ako pariwara at alam ko naman ang ginagawa ko. Sarili kong ngang nanay at tatay hindi ako pinapakialaman, hindi dahil wala silang pakialam, dahil alam nilang alam ko ang ginagawa ko at nirerespeto nila ang mga desisyon ko. He cares way too much, as if he's like an overprotective boyfriend, which is actually quite good. As a friend, I really do care, but as a boyfriend, I don't fucking give a damn anymore well since, matagal nang hindi kami.
I'd totally understand everything if we were in a romantic relationship together since partners need to be transparent to one anoth...oh.
Just shoot me in the head so it's all over. Do it as an act of mercy.
I know he has his reasons, and I won't force him to tell me if he doesn't want to. You know, privacy? Maybe my ex is right that I am shit clueless on what I'm doing, but there's one thing I know: I want him out of my life. I am sincerely sad that it has come to this, but I've been sad way too long. What's running in my mind is that a little bit more sadness won't hurt anymore if I can be given the chance to be happy afterwards. I'm clinging on the chance to be happy. I'm that desperate.
This post was all but vulgar rage accentuated with crisp expletives. Promise, I'll post something more levelheaded. Kaya nga part one ito eh.
Bakla ako. At kung hindi mo alam, bakla ka rin kasi pumatol ka sakin. Pero ako, hindi pailalim kung tumira. Kasi gawain lang ng bakla yun.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Stats (File 12)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 154lb 10oz / 70.2kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.5kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 121 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 73 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.6%
Fat Mass: 17lb 13oz / 8.1kg
Free Fat Mass: 136lb 12oz / 62.1kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 104 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 125 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 55 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 154lb 10oz / 70.2kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.5kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 121 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 73 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.6%
Fat Mass: 17lb 13oz / 8.1kg
Free Fat Mass: 136lb 12oz / 62.1kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 104 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 125 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 55 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Burning Out: Floor (Part Twenty-Four)
After our very hectic schedule for the past few months, we have finally reached calmer waters. Most of us are now assigned to fix whatever defects our program has. Deadlines still need to be met, but the pressure on our part is way much easier for us to be able to go home like people working in the standard nine to six shift. We were overjoyed that our onsite coordinators let us enjoy the long and much anticipated holiday weekend, as we were skeptical since they had the authority to force us to go to work instead.
Two days after the long weekend away from work, I realized how nice the outside world was. I buried myself under a ton of work that I have forgotten how to live a life, as the saying goes. I kept choosing the most difficult of tasks so that I had a reason to stay cooped up on my station till the break of daylight not primarily because that I want to challenge myself career-wise, but forget whatever problems I had outside the four corners of our office.
I just burned myself out. Not that I have lost my motivation to go to work. It's just that I don't want to stay at the office working my eyebrows off. Part of it being me losing a lot of hard-gained weight, and part of it being me wanting to break away from the shackles constantly binding and slowing me down.
Two days after the long weekend away from work, I realized how nice the outside world was. I buried myself under a ton of work that I have forgotten how to live a life, as the saying goes. I kept choosing the most difficult of tasks so that I had a reason to stay cooped up on my station till the break of daylight not primarily because that I want to challenge myself career-wise, but forget whatever problems I had outside the four corners of our office.
I just burned myself out. Not that I have lost my motivation to go to work. It's just that I don't want to stay at the office working my eyebrows off. Part of it being me losing a lot of hard-gained weight, and part of it being me wanting to break away from the shackles constantly binding and slowing me down.
One Step at a Time
"You know, you totally destroyed my dreams."
I'm taking my life back, one step at a time. I'll move forward and leave the people who wallow in despair and regret behind. I'll once again live my life, one meaningful day after the next.
"If you're no longer happy, then it's time let go. The pain will be worth it."
I'm taking my life back, one step at a time. I'll move forward and leave the people who wallow in despair and regret behind. I'll once again live my life, one meaningful day after the next.
"If you're no longer happy, then it's time let go. The pain will be worth it."
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Stats (File 11)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 15oz / 70.8kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.7kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 137 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 71 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.8%
Fat Mass: 178b 4oz / 8.3kg
Free Fat Mass: 137lb 10oz / 62.5kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 107 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 125 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 89 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 15oz / 70.8kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.7kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 137 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 71 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.8%
Fat Mass: 178b 4oz / 8.3kg
Free Fat Mass: 137lb 10oz / 62.5kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 107 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 125 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 89 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Friday, March 23, 2012
Stats (File 10)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 15oz / 70.8kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 126 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 71 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.1%
Fat Mass: 17lb 2oz / 7.8kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 12oz / 63.0kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 84 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 90 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 82 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 15oz / 70.8kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 126 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 71 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.1%
Fat Mass: 17lb 2oz / 7.8kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 12oz / 63.0kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 84 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 90 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 82 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Three-Day Mindanao Escape: Iligan and Cagayan de Oro (Part Four)
After eating a quick breakfast at Victoria Suites, our driver arrived and picked us up at four thirty in the morning. We took the still dark highway to the west towards Iligan, Lanao del Norte. Sleepy, our group once again fell asleep on the way. We only woke up to the endless shaking of our van as we took the rocky path towards one of the best places I've seen in the country: the pristine Tinago Falls.
With our guide, Kuya Jonathan, we descended the steep four hundred steps downwards the falls. After a few minutes, we finally arrived at the bottom, and we were all astounded by the color of the water: it was an unreal turquoise blue. The cold air made by the falls made me shiver with anticipation. We donned our life vests and took a balsa towards the falls. The water was very different: it was clean and fresh. I scaled a rock face about twenty or so feet high and jumped down. I was frightened, but the feeling of falling down in a seemingly endless plummet was one of the experiences I'll never forget. The wind rushing on my face until the splashing of the beautiful waters deafening my ears was something I want to do all over again. After listening to the stories of Kuya Jonathan while on the raft, we decided to leave the magnificent falls since we were pressed for time. With places still to set foot to, we tried ourselves against the challenge of the four hundred steep steps uphill. Our knees and legs creaked and groaned every step, but the experience of Tinago Falls served as a source of strength. After reaching the top, we said our thanks and bade goodbye to Kuya Jonathan, before starting to head back to Cagayan de Oro.
We took a short sidetrip to the Macapagal-Macaraeg Ancestral House, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's heritage home. There, we learned a little about history thanks to the very friendly and courteous staff who took care of the place. After that, we went to the country's highest waterfalls, Talon ng Maria Cristina, since it was just a short drive away. Situated inside a nature park in Lanao del Norte's biggest hydroelectic power plant, it is dubbed as the "Twin Waterfalls" since a rocky protrusion on the edge of the falls splits the water into two mighty currents. It was unfortunate that we were unable to see the falls in its full glory, since it was only during weekends when both segments of the falls are opened. Two hours on the road, we arrived back at Cagayan de Oro for our final adventure in the trip: the adrenaline-pumping white water rafting.
We transferred to a jeep and headed to the starting point of our adventure on the great rapids. After a hearty lunch and a few pointers from our raft guide, Kuya Bambam, we boarded our raft and started our adventure down Cagayan de Oro's river. We passed through numerous rapids, from simplest to the craziest ones. We paddled and steered our raft under the command of Kuya Bambam. After successfully conquering a leg of rapids, we raised our paddles high and shouted our cries of victory and relief. After almost four hours of white water rafting adventure, we arrived at the endpoint. At that time, it was the end of our adventure, so we dried ourselves and prepared for our return back home. Kuya Bambam gave us a lift back to Lumbia Airport, which was a convenient fifteen minute drive from the rafting adventure's endpoint. We said thanks and bade farewell, before entering the airport to board our plane back to Manila. After an uneventful wait for our delayed flight home, we boarded the plane at around nine in the evening, and shortly took off bound for Ninoy Aquino International Airport. At eleven in the evening, our plane made its final turn and landed safely and soundly at Manila.
The three days I spent in Mindanao was a tiring one. More than half of the time, we were on the road or on sea, traveling to our next destination. But all the sights we saw, people we met, and experiences we gained was definitely worth all the time and effort. This was my first time to travel somewhere far from where I grew up, and it made me see the glimpse on how exciting it is to embark on a journey to travel across new places.
With our guide, Kuya Jonathan, we descended the steep four hundred steps downwards the falls. After a few minutes, we finally arrived at the bottom, and we were all astounded by the color of the water: it was an unreal turquoise blue. The cold air made by the falls made me shiver with anticipation. We donned our life vests and took a balsa towards the falls. The water was very different: it was clean and fresh. I scaled a rock face about twenty or so feet high and jumped down. I was frightened, but the feeling of falling down in a seemingly endless plummet was one of the experiences I'll never forget. The wind rushing on my face until the splashing of the beautiful waters deafening my ears was something I want to do all over again. After listening to the stories of Kuya Jonathan while on the raft, we decided to leave the magnificent falls since we were pressed for time. With places still to set foot to, we tried ourselves against the challenge of the four hundred steep steps uphill. Our knees and legs creaked and groaned every step, but the experience of Tinago Falls served as a source of strength. After reaching the top, we said our thanks and bade goodbye to Kuya Jonathan, before starting to head back to Cagayan de Oro.
We took a short sidetrip to the Macapagal-Macaraeg Ancestral House, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's heritage home. There, we learned a little about history thanks to the very friendly and courteous staff who took care of the place. After that, we went to the country's highest waterfalls, Talon ng Maria Cristina, since it was just a short drive away. Situated inside a nature park in Lanao del Norte's biggest hydroelectic power plant, it is dubbed as the "Twin Waterfalls" since a rocky protrusion on the edge of the falls splits the water into two mighty currents. It was unfortunate that we were unable to see the falls in its full glory, since it was only during weekends when both segments of the falls are opened. Two hours on the road, we arrived back at Cagayan de Oro for our final adventure in the trip: the adrenaline-pumping white water rafting.
We transferred to a jeep and headed to the starting point of our adventure on the great rapids. After a hearty lunch and a few pointers from our raft guide, Kuya Bambam, we boarded our raft and started our adventure down Cagayan de Oro's river. We passed through numerous rapids, from simplest to the craziest ones. We paddled and steered our raft under the command of Kuya Bambam. After successfully conquering a leg of rapids, we raised our paddles high and shouted our cries of victory and relief. After almost four hours of white water rafting adventure, we arrived at the endpoint. At that time, it was the end of our adventure, so we dried ourselves and prepared for our return back home. Kuya Bambam gave us a lift back to Lumbia Airport, which was a convenient fifteen minute drive from the rafting adventure's endpoint. We said thanks and bade farewell, before entering the airport to board our plane back to Manila. After an uneventful wait for our delayed flight home, we boarded the plane at around nine in the evening, and shortly took off bound for Ninoy Aquino International Airport. At eleven in the evening, our plane made its final turn and landed safely and soundly at Manila.
The three days I spent in Mindanao was a tiring one. More than half of the time, we were on the road or on sea, traveling to our next destination. But all the sights we saw, people we met, and experiences we gained was definitely worth all the time and effort. This was my first time to travel somewhere far from where I grew up, and it made me see the glimpse on how exciting it is to embark on a journey to travel across new places.
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