Mixed Signals

Earlier in the tenth anniversary celebration of the company I'm working for, an acquaintance of mine casually walked up to me and shook my hand proceeded by the usual arm wrestling shake. He asked me how I was since apparently, he was concerned on how bad my cough seemed. Yesterday evening, we met inside the men's room while I hacked loudly in efforts to expel some stubborn phlegm that has been in my throat too long. Noticing it was him, I immediately entered a cubicle and sealed it shut while I continued to bark away.

"Ang lala na ng ubo mo ah, ayos ka lang ba?"

"Hindi naman. Oo, medyo puyat lang."

After I told him I was fine and that I just had something in my throat that made me bark like a rabid dog the night before, he told me with a mix of enthusiasm and dismay that he was still on night shift. I asked him if he was taking the shuttle back to the office, and he replied that no, he would be just taking a cab since he can start work as late as ten in the evening. An abrupt and awkward silence followed afterward. Partly confused about his seemingly random talk with me made me silent, which in turn made him leave my seat earlier than I had wanted. He nodded at me, turned, and walked away, leaving me wishing that I had said something to make him stay longer.

I'd admit I liked him ever since I first saw him: he had the strong eyebrows that makes my insides quiver. I liked him all the more after he decided to shave his head as it made his prominent and tall nose even more attractive. I felt that chance was playing with me when I ended up attending a training on the same schedule he was in, with us being on the same group together. After that workshop, I liked him even more because I saw his enthusiastic personality and his mature and forward way of thinking.

I mustered the courage to add him on Facebook as a friend in the hopes of knowing him at least a little better. Not being a slave of the social networking phenomenon, he accepted my request weeks after I sent it. After today's incident, I'm shallowly wallowing in mixed signals: either he's just a concerned and caring friend, or he's running on the same lane in the road as I am. I'm hoping it's the former, because I will be shattered if he's being nice to make us get to know each other a little more than just friends.

bonnetboy

One night in April, I received a message in a gay social networking site from a user with the handle bonnetboy. He was asking me if I wanted to meet up with him on a friendly date, and I remember his words exactly:

Are you up for a friendly meetup bai?

With a shrug, I halfheartedly said yes. I was saying yes for the sake of it, not because I was particularly interested in him. I remember thinking negatively to how big the difference in our heights were: I stood at a tall six feet one, while he was only five feet five. During that time, I have always ignored those kinds of messages, and I was saying yes to bonnetboy, whose name was Van, plainly for a change.

And a change it was.

Right away, everything felt so right. Van and I would exchange messages via text or Facebook into the wee hours of the morning. We would go watch movies together and hold hands for the entire length of the movie. He would always tell me stories on how he has succeeded and failed in his goals in life. His strong will and personality made me feel that I could depend on him to be there beside me no matter what happened. And true enough, he did protect me during the saddest time of my life -- when I no longer knew what the truth was. Everything felt so right and I was sure of it. I have never felt so happy and content for the longest time. Everything, except for the fact that he was to leave in a month's time to work in Canada for the sake of his family, especially his ailing mother who he loves very much.

My heart silently broke. It was my fault, since we have agreed not to fall in love with one another because of the fact that he will be leaving soon. A few nights before he left, we met up for a last time. I was afraid the night will end because I had to admit, I already loved him. Before we separated our ways, I gave him a tight hug and told him I'll miss him so much. We both hated goodbyes so we left things at that, promising each other that we'll still meet in the future for sure. Immediately after letting go, my eyes started to well with tears. Not wanting him to see my cry, I walked away, eyes tightly closed. Taking a deep breath, I looked back, and saw him mouthing the words I love you. At that moment, my life became complete and incomplete at the very same time.

Seven months have passed, and deep inside my heart, I still love Van. As cliché as it may sound, I've never met and known anyone like him. He's no longer here with me, but he continues to be a part of and change my life. Thanks to technology, we still talk to each other regularly, though times now aren't that like before. He told me recently that his stay in Canada has been extended for another two years, and I'm happy for him because I know working there is a dream come true for him. However, my heart quietly cried, and broke for a final time as my little hopes of us being together when he comes back has all been blown away. But because I love him, I know that I need to step back and let go to watch him succeed on all the goals he has set for himself to achieve.
 

I still love you pumpkin. Thank you for always being so sweet and kind to your sweetie. I miss you so, so much. Take care always.

Bitter

Last night after hitting the gym, a bud of mine and I went to a nearby joint to eat. I asked my friend on how his date went, since the day before, he had miryenda with the girl he wanted to get to know. He told me that he liked the girl better, since he thought that they complemented each other -- him being quiet and cool, while the girl being the talkative and cheerful one.

His problem was that the girl's ex was a good friend of his, and was working in the same company as we (and the girl) do. He thought that it would be awkward if it happens that something more than friends develop between him and the girl he liked. I told him that he shouldn't mind that now, since he was still just in the getting-to-know-you part of things. He should worry that in the future, when things really develop into something else. Plus that time, I added, the guy would have probably moved on from his relationship with the girl.

I asked him if he's really alright with the girl being an officemate of ours. He said that it was just fine, since he's primarily focused on his tasks at hand when he's at work. He asked me why, and I told him that for me, "missing time" was important. I shared a little about my previous relationship, and that a mistake I did that made things worse was when I let my boyfriend (girlfriend: I'm not out at work) live with me and my family. Things just got out of hand. I personally grew tired of seeing him each and every day that passed, until came a time when we found ourselves in a very physical fight that I had to call it quits. Everything that was happening during the time was no longer healthy for both of us, and letting go was the best decision, I thought.

As we left, I said sorry since I felt that I sounded so bitter of what remained of my previous relationship. I told him that yes, I was bitter in a way, but I was more disappointed than resentful. I told him I was disappointed because my ex chose to bring himself down to a miserable and pitiful state. He asked me if my ex and I were still friends. My reply was no, because I felt I can no longer trust him ever again. He broke my trust way too many times that I felt he no longer deserved the trust I gave him over and over again to redeem himself and prove that he was better than what he turned out to be.

Happy Birthday to You

Yesterday was the birthday of a friend of mine who has been a crush ever since junior year of high school. It has been a very long time, around seven years or so, but I'll admit that I still like him even until today.

I've known him since second year high, as we became classmates then. I've never seen him at school before, and I honestly thought that he was an upperclassman who got retained in second year. Being a member of the varsity basketball team, he had this very athletic look on him: great height, tall nose, and a buzzcut head. During that time, I felt nothing special towards him even if he had the physical attributes I like on a dude -- he was just my classmate. But the following year, I was assigned to sit beside him. Things changed. I started to like him because of his easygoing nature. He always wore his signature grin whatever happened. He looked very mysterious, gallant, and proud, but at the same time, very kalog. Even if his interactions with me were primarily school-related, there were little times that told me he was a kindhearted person. Of course, I did not tell him upfront that I liked him, but I think he knew that since we became seatmates. There were little things I'd do only for him that I won't do for anybody else, even my closest friends: let him copy an assignment, cheat his attendance record, or even make a paper for him. Graduation came, and I remember being down that I would not be able to see my crush anymore. Silly me.

I was surprised that he took the same course as I did: computer science. It meant that I would still see him in college, and that we would still be together, as blockmates at the least. True enough, we were still in the same classes, and he was still the same old him: copying assignments from me, cheating his cuts and absences with my help, and asking me to help him program our first project. I did those things as a friend and not as someone who liked him. Things were okay until one time, in wanting to help him, I lied to him. The sad part about it was he found out about it, and he told me he knew that I lied. That incident was one of those stupid things each of us is bound to make.

I no longer saw him the following year. He dropped out of school, probably because of that incident. I never heard any real news of him after that. All I know was that he's in the States, finishing university there. It was sad, but I moved on nonetheless. He was straight and moreover, he was already in the States -- not that I'm saying I had the chance.

After a few years though, he dropped us a line that he was in the country. He treated us blockmates out for a couple of beers, and I sat beside him, of course. I listened to his stories on how different it was in the States, and how he misses his friends here in the Philippines. He was as easygoing and as kalog as ever -- not to mention his grin and his laugh. That night, I was very happy because I saw him again after a long, long time (and he was even more handsome than before), but at the same time, my heart quietly broke because the reality that we will never be together finally came upon me. I wanted to silently shed even just a lone tear because I knew that I'll never see him again, but I chose not to because I wanted to enjoy his corny jokes and boisterous laughter for the last time.

Wherever you are Joseph, I hope you're doing well. I know you are, ikaw pa?