The Blue Wilderness

With a new identity, the midnight wolf entered the blue wilderness filled with figures bound to satisfy his wants. As a wolf roaming the thick foliage blanketed by the darkness of midnight, he only desired for his very own pack in which he can truly say he belonged. As the weeks turned into months, one thing became apparent: the blue wilderness was nothing more but a field full of prey, all begging to be taken down with a vicious, rabid bite. The barter to happiness was a perfectly chiseled body. Arms with thick guns bursting from the sleeves, a chest and body that can launch a thousand ships, and a virile manhood brimming with testosterone were all that mattered.

The blue wilderness was nothing more but a repeating lie. Like clockwork, the midnight wolf entered the hunting grounds hungry but left far more famished. Each and every silent step made a question bury itself deeper inside his core. After almost two years of searching and looking at the dark midnight sky, his tired eyes have seen the answer that was patiently waiting to be found in the present.

Mustering a final howl that echoed throughout the blue wilderness like a knell, the midnight wolf silently wandered off. With his vision straight and true, he headed atop a quaint knoll. The air was saturated with uncertainty and fear for the future, but carried in it a great relief from all the pretensions happening below. He made one last glance of his grim surroundings; the same scenery that broke his heart and shattered his trust over and over again. Without regrets holding him back, the midnight wolf braved forward to the outside world, his tracks and shadows never to be seen in the blue wilderness again.

But his tale continues, as he lives through the sweet sorrows of pain -- subtle reminders that he is alive, yearning for a separate peace and happiness in the ironies of life.

bonnetboy

One night in April, I received a message in a gay social networking site from a user with the handle bonnetboy. He was asking me if I wanted to meet up with him on a friendly date, and I remember his words exactly:

Are you up for a friendly meetup bai?

With a shrug, I halfheartedly said yes. I was saying yes for the sake of it, not because I was particularly interested in him. I remember thinking negatively to how big the difference in our heights were: I stood at a tall six feet one, while he was only five feet five. During that time, I have always ignored those kinds of messages, and I was saying yes to bonnetboy, whose name was Van, plainly for a change.

And a change it was.

Right away, everything felt so right. Van and I would exchange messages via text or Facebook into the wee hours of the morning. We would go watch movies together and hold hands for the entire length of the movie. He would always tell me stories on how he has succeeded and failed in his goals in life. His strong will and personality made me feel that I could depend on him to be there beside me no matter what happened. And true enough, he did protect me during the saddest time of my life -- when I no longer knew what the truth was. Everything felt so right and I was sure of it. I have never felt so happy and content for the longest time. Everything, except for the fact that he was to leave in a month's time to work in Canada for the sake of his family, especially his ailing mother who he loves very much.

My heart silently broke. It was my fault, since we have agreed not to fall in love with one another because of the fact that he will be leaving soon. A few nights before he left, we met up for a last time. I was afraid the night will end because I had to admit, I already loved him. Before we separated our ways, I gave him a tight hug and told him I'll miss him so much. We both hated goodbyes so we left things at that, promising each other that we'll still meet in the future for sure. Immediately after letting go, my eyes started to well with tears. Not wanting him to see my cry, I walked away, eyes tightly closed. Taking a deep breath, I looked back, and saw him mouthing the words I love you. At that moment, my life became complete and incomplete at the very same time.

Seven months have passed, and deep inside my heart, I still love Van. As cliché as it may sound, I've never met and known anyone like him. He's no longer here with me, but he continues to be a part of and change my life. Thanks to technology, we still talk to each other regularly, though times now aren't that like before. He told me recently that his stay in Canada has been extended for another two years, and I'm happy for him because I know working there is a dream come true for him. However, my heart quietly cried, and broke for a final time as my little hopes of us being together when he comes back has all been blown away. But because I love him, I know that I need to step back and let go to watch him succeed on all the goals he has set for himself to achieve.
 

I still love you pumpkin. Thank you for always being so sweet and kind to your sweetie. I miss you so, so much. Take care always.

MidnightWolf

Call me a hypocrite, but I logged in to the site after I gained my account back. I signed back in because of curiosity: I've been out of the site for a couple of months now. I've changed my password and removed all my face pictures. I also wanted to know what happened during the time when someone was using my account against my will. Good thing I found out nothing, or there was actually something that happened but I will never know, since the site only retains messages for a week, unless saved.
 
As expected, the same kind of people are still on it. I can't blame myself for trying to be optimistic after all that happened. But rest assured, I'm definitely on the edge of leaving the site, at least for now.

Alone (Part Two)

For the past few weeks or so, I've been thinking about going back again to that site. Sure, I've lost my account because of things beyond my control, but nothing else is keeping me from creating a new account. I can freely create a new account and avoid putting pictures that will make me recognizable. But for after so long, I still remain steadfast in my decision of not going back to the site any longer, even if my own reason is unclear even for myself.

But I've got things straight now: it is all because of fear.

In no way am I willing to risk just for the sake of being happy together with a special someone. The things that I went through were too much that up until now, remnants of it still appear in my head from time to time. Looking back, I am amazed that I allowed everything that transpired in the past to actually happen. With reasons now unclear after letting all love and concern go, the only thing left now is fear after anger silently eroded away with time.

I'd be a total, hypocrite liar if I said that I'm not hoping for someone who'll prove me wrong. Sadly enough,  that person already came almost three years ago and proved me wrong: not that I would never find someone that I'll be happy with, but that there was something else much more painful than being alone.

In reality, I still do not find strength within me. My confidence is always impeded by insecurities I know I can overcome, but do not. Whatever the case, I'm slowly inching forward: I find strength in the solace of a separate peace, a silent world only I can see and hear.

Two Choices

I'm slowly starting to grow independent of "that" site. I've told myself over and over that it will not bring me any good. However, I cannot convince myself not to pay a visit. Like a drug, I have grown addicted to it: the plentiful locales showing off their ripped bodies, putting on their most handsome of smiles, and of course, a few daunting enough to show their engorged packages.

In that gay market, your body is the currency to a new relationship. People glance through profile after profile in search for one thing: free sex. Yes, there are people much more better than that, however, the truth lies in the fact that most of the members there are after a quick thrill to quench one's carnal desires and bodily pleasures.

To be blunt, I can do it all by myself. I've been joking around with my friends online: I'm in a relationship with my right hand.

I've been single for almost a year, and I'm still alive. More importantly, I am content in being single. Yes, I do miss the times when I have someone to cuddle to during the cold, rainy weather. I miss the quiet times of eating with your special someone in a very ordinary place -- however your special someone makes everything out of the ordinary. I am a hopeless romantic and an eternal dreamer, but I have learned that reality isn't all that hard, once I understood how to accept it. I quote myself a few months back: being single is a choice.

Years ago, I've cursed everything for making me gay. I felt as if everything is twice as difficult because I was erroneous. I couldn't like the people I liked. People bullied me for being different from them. I've cried so much that my eyes dried up, unwilling to shed another teardrop. But, growing older, living life, and having friends that accepted me no matter who I was made me realize one thing: being gay is a choice. It might have been a choice I made without my full knowledge, but to no regrets. I have accepted who I am, and if given another choice, I'd still choose to be gay. It is who I am.

Being gay in a homophobic society isn't easy. It is a constant battle between fitting in and standing out. I admire all the gay people who step out of the closet, but I do respect all the gay men living in the darkest corners of it. Everyone has their own choices, and it is through my choices that I will make a difference, at least in my own life.

Destiny gives us chances; we make the choices.

Cologne

A few weeks ago, I went out with someone who was very vocal in telling me that he liked me. He would constantly ask me how I was doing, how my day was turning out, and how I was feeling. He knew what I was going through, and fair enough, he was one of the people whom I believed would understand what was happening to me. I sincerely trusted his words of encouragement, to the point that I relied on him for support.

But I was afraid. I wasn't ready. I honestly didn't know if I liked him for being that way, or because of the fact that I was going through something painful and didn't want to be lonely. With his honesty in mind, I gathered enough courage to tell him that I wasn't so sure of what I felt for him. He gave me some time and space to consider what I was really feeling, but it came to the point wherein he just couldn't bare it any longer.

I was too selfish for my own good. I told him that I wanted to think of my own happiness first before others, and that I believed that during that time, being alone was the right thing to do. It didn't exactly bring me happiness, but it brought me happiness contained in the fact that I was doing what I believed to be the correct step forward. In a very civil and composed manner, he told me everything that I did or did not do that brought about him pain, and that it was better to forget about each other.

At first, I didn't want to let go. However, I thought that he didn't deserve to be chained down, waiting for a future that was uncertain. Telling him that I understood why he felt that way, I asked him if he'll accept my apology for a chance for him to be my friend. I really wanted him to be a good friend because of his very kind and honest heart, but he said he wasn't sure.

I felt so ashamed of myself.

A few weeks have passed, and I learned that he now has a boyfriend. I was not surprised because of that, but what bewildered me was how I felt when I learned about it. It was a mix of four strong emotions that had a crude blend. The result was something unpleasant, but I managed to fight it off and tell myself that at least, he will forget about me.

The thing I regret doing was me taking him for granted. Yes, I was going through a lot, but it was not enough an excuse to take someone important for granted. I just sort of believed that he would understand me as he underwent the same things that I went through, and that was wrong. In the end, I only caused him pain, which was something he didn't deserve at all.

Until now, I am still uncertain about my feelings for him. But now, I have no more reason to think about it. Going back to the happier times, I asked him what was the cologne he wore when we went out. He wouldn't tell, and said that he'll give me some as a gift since I really liked it. As I was doing my groceries yesterday, I curiously picked up a bottle of cologne and tried it out -- it was his. Putting the small bottle in my basket, I wondered if my decision some weeks ago was the right thing.

It was. Painful as it may have been, but it was.

Silence

For almost a week, there have been no contact between me and the person I like. For the past few months, our "one-sided" exchange of messages was everyday. More than five days have passed, and my inbox is still empty of his name. I have been telling to myself to stop and cut the bud in its roots, but I chose not to.

Now, I feel that I have the reason to do so. I am not sad at all, but disappointed at the very least. Maybe now is the time to move on and face reality. With silence in between us, now might be the chance to drop everything and start anew  towards the truth that has been there for so long.

Disinterest

I have liked someone a lot over the past few weeks. Someone and I have been exchanging messages for that duration. I thought he was nice and down-to-earth, only to find out that everything aside, he was just like any other person out "there".

Again, I find myself losing interest in him. I can easily say I have genuine feelings for him. At first, I thought he felt the same, but now after a few weeks and a few revelations, I cannot help but reconsider.

A part of me says no, while the remaining part says go. I don't want to be only an option. I want to be the only choice.