Confession?

I'm in a point wherein I want to tell somebody that I really like him. However, I am not certain if the person likes me as well, or if I am denying the fact that he likes me too. Liking and loving somebody are two different things, and I know for certain that I am not in the level of loving him. I have to admit, he has constantly been in my head for the past few days. Before, I would just shrug the feeling off, and it would slowly melt away. But I have noticed in the past couple of days that even if I brush it aside, I find myself teetering into thinking about him. I would like to know him more, because I want to understand him more as a person.

However, I'm afraid that I'm just using my feelings towards him as a tool to move on. I wanted to move on using my own two feet, however I wasn't given the chance to do so. Maybe I was, and this path I'm treading is a result of my decision. It was possible that I found myself in a diverging path: one walking to no, the other leading to go. I took the chance and followed him. Hopefully, whatever the outcomes may be, I would be proud of what I will become, molded by the choices that I have made.

Unrequited Love

Somebody loves me. I know that he will never mean harm to me. I know with him, I will always feel the endearing sense of security all of us is searching for. Deep down inside, I love him too.

But here I am, liking someone else. Things have happened in the past that is stopping me from taking his hand to forever. I feel I have done my part. I have given everything I am able to give. My heart has grown to like him even more,  however my mind learned from the painful past. I have decided to choose myself.

I chose to walk alone this boulevard of broken dreams. I cannot say I am happy, but I can say I am content.

He doesn't deserve this. Not at all.

Father's Day

I've never been close to my dad. I feel as if I wasn't the best son a dad could have. There have been a lot of opportunities for me to express my gratitude, but all I ever did was to take him for granted. He is almost sixty, and he is still working. He has endured the hardship of living away from his family for work, and he still continues the burden of being part of the workforce up to this day. At least, the heavens has always blessed him with great health, even if he has vices.

All I ever thought of is myself. I have stopped to think about what he felt or thought, but all of that remained inside my head. I know I could be a better son, but I want to be a better person first.

Not like this post would change anything. Maybe that's why the rain hasn't stopped falling.

Brighter Side of Things

For the past few days, I have been wallowing in my self-created puddle of sadness. I felt so content in drowning myself with all the negativity in the world. Being pessimistic has always worked for me. It has (sadly) turned into a defense mechanism -- my stream of consciousness and personality is yanked out of the brighter side of things toward the cold shadows of grief. I find solace in solitude: it helps me recuperate whatever pain that caused me to shift out of normalcy in the first place.

A few days have passed, and I feel better. Once again, I have started to stare towards the bright glare of the sun rather than shy away from it. My feet guided my body to bask in the sun's brilliant radiance. I felt the heat slowly pricking my pores. It was either one of those small nothings that made me feel alive appeared right before my eyes, or opened my eyes to see some light.

Trust

For others, trust is something one merits. Certitude is given when a person proves themselves worthy and dependable. But for me, trust is something one demerits. I easily give my assurance to people, and continue to do so when I see their worth and intention. I give everyone the chance to be trusted, and the chance to prove to their very own self why they remain to be trustworthy.

People may see this as something ridiculous, a median from being a plain dunce. It might seem as if it contradicts the natural order of things. After all, we were taught not to talk to strangers, moreover trust people we do not know that well.

But for me, a person who amiably took care of the reliance I gave them shows me how much they value me as a person and as a friend.

So what happens when a person loses trust in himself?

Anger Under a Starless Sky

I felt so angry yesterday evening that I was pushed to tears. The feeling of hostility filled me to the limits that I wanted to destroy anything that came into my reach. Wanting to tear everything piece by piece, I punched a wall and felt my fist scream in pain. I let the pain fill my body to calm it. But a few minutes after, I slowly felt anger once again reigning my mind, and all I could do to stop it was to cry.

Everything had to happen in a single day. I tried to hold on for as long as I could, but my strength wasn't enough.

I laid on my bed and stared outside the window. Under the stillness of the night, I found myself wiping my tears under a starless sky.

Coming Home

I've been dreaming of a friend of mine living abroad for the past couple of nights. According to him, he's coming home soon, and is looking forward to finally meeting me in person.

I'll be a hypocrite if I said I'm not looking forward to meet him, but for some reason, I'm not ecstatic or overly excited about it. I actually have some doubts about him, but maybe it's just me putting a negative face. I find it easier that way.

Like before, a part of me says no, and another says go. Life is so ironic -- the things that make it difficult are the same things that make it interesting. Nothing worth having comes easy, and I believe I have to make a decision on this chance life is giving me.

Brown Shoes

During lunch, a friendly conversation heated into a debate, with me noticeably raising a tone. An officemate of mine pointed out that I was unusually irritable today. She asked me how come I was bugnutin today, and I joked that it was because I wore leather shoes to work. The weather was in a rotten mood. Little did I know that I myself was showing signs of cloudy skies.

I stayed a little longer in bed because the rain made getting out of bed difficult. The cold air made me tuck into my warm and cozy bed for a few more minutes. My mom, generous as she is, offered me a ride to work which I gratefully accepted. As we carefully tread the wet, slippery roads of Commonwealth, I broke the news that I was already a regular in my company. She was ecstatic, and so was I. Going to work, I was such in a sunny mood, so I paused to think what happened that made me act as if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Right then, I remembered why. I always ask God to make me patient, and he always heeds my prayers and gives me reasons to be patient. Today however, I think I lost control and made my emotions spill over. Instead of cleaning it up, I just covered it up with an artificial excuse of being happy -- and wasn't too aware about it.

I have only worn my brown leather shoes twice before today, and I was actually thrilled to see it in pristine condition. With a few wipes, it looked sleek and brand new. However, as soon as I wore it, my feet suddenly yearned for the comfort of my raddled sneakers.

Last Known Good Configuration

The "Last Known Good Configuration" option was first introduced in Microsoft 2000 and is available in all later versions of Windows, including Windows XP. This feature enables the user to revert back to the last working version of Microsoft Windows. This is a great setup when trying to fix issues with a computer not being able to load into Windows.

To load the last known good configuration in these versions of Windows, reboot the computer. As it is booting, repeatedly press the F8 key, which should bring up the "Windows Advanced Options Menu". Use the arrow keys to navigate to "Last Known Good Configuration", then press Enter.

A Genuine Feeling

My birthday passed just like any ordinary day. A few of my friends greeted me which warmed my heart. It was a pleasant feeling. For a moment, I felt content. But after those fleeting seconds, the air was once again saturated with a heavy, uncomfortable feeling. It was as if there was something I needed to do, something I wanted to do, but couldn't. My heart wanted to search for that warm patch of sunlight, but my body and my mind were frightened stiff from the unknown.

No, I was wrong when I said I wanted a genuine smile. What I have lost is the capacity to produce a genuine feeling. Swimming in a seemingly endless ocean of shallow emotions, I wonder what happened that stripped me the ability to feel with my entire heart. I've always been proud to be a deep, kindhearted person. Now, all I see in the mirror is a ghost of the past, an empty shell of the proud present I was.

A Genuine Smile

It's my 23rd birthday tomorrow.

Like my previous birthday, I'm not looking forward to this "special day". I've been going in and out of small states of depression, and today seems to be the all-time low. Not that I want to do stupid things or what; it's just that for some reason, I have lost the ability to smile for no apparent reason. For the past few months, I always found a reason to smile: the nice weather, silly little things that make me happy, or just plain seeing my friends at work. Now, everything seems so heavy. I can't imagine how happy and content I became when I saw the simple things most people overlook in the everyday things we encounter. Time in and time out, I find myself staring to an invisible horizon, spacing out for no tangible reason. It is as if I'm continually searching for something deep inside, even if I have long realized that I have already lost it.

I miss the feeling of a genuine smile. If there is one present I'd like to receive, it's that.

Disinterest

I have liked someone a lot over the past few weeks. Someone and I have been exchanging messages for that duration. I thought he was nice and down-to-earth, only to find out that everything aside, he was just like any other person out "there".

Again, I find myself losing interest in him. I can easily say I have genuine feelings for him. At first, I thought he felt the same, but now after a few weeks and a few revelations, I cannot help but reconsider.

A part of me says no, while the remaining part says go. I don't want to be only an option. I want to be the only choice.

One Sentence Two

Destiny gives me chances; I make the choices.

Drifting Apart?

Today, a friend of mine and I had a quarrel about something petty, I suppose.

Our relationship has been like that of a tide and a shore. The waves go about a perpetual crash in and slide out, while the patient shore quietly accepts its fate. For the past few months, we have been going in and out of phases; like riding a wild, wild ride. Sometimes, we are at a tall, craggy tor, and there are these times wherein I feel we are deep down, rock bottom. I envy the tide and the shore, for they will be nothing without the other. The fact is different from us, after all, both of us are human.

I have so many things that I want to say, but in this situation, I think it's best to just shut up, swallow, and put my guts up.

Lost in Thought

It was already half past seven, and the rains were still pouring down. Half upset, I decided to soldier home under the cold air that irritated me.

Wanting to go home at the earliest time possible, I signaled the very first jeep I saw to stop. A passenger alighted the vehicle, but an old man sneaked past me and took the vacant seat. With my patience at its end, I was about to descend from the vehicle when the driver shouted there was room for one more. But the truth was there was only room for my bag.

I asked for patience. I was being given reasons to be patient.

With the rain dying down to a drizzle, I grunted at the driver to let me get off. I picked up my pace and was soon clambering down on the low seat of a tricycle. My patience was really being stretched to its limits, as I was getting frustrated about the most trivial of things. I just wanted to go home, that was all.

The tricycle driver asked me what street I wanted to go. Usually, I automatically say the street I live in, but this time, my tongue fumbled and my consciousness suddenly scattered. I mumbled a jumble of illiterate words before the driver understood what I said.

I just wanted to go home. But why did I want to get home that bad?

Wet

Yet again, so many things have happened.

But I'm being pathetic enough for my future self. Nothing is coming into my senses. I'm not being overly dramatic about what's happening, it's just that for the past few days, I've been going in and out of phases I thought I was over with.

I can't tap my command over prose. I simply cannot think straight. I'm all over the place, just like these rains that send dry, peaceful people into a state of frenzied wetness.

Wait

A lot of things have happened over the past week. My family and I went to the marvelous Pagsanjan Falls. My company went to Nasugbu, Batangas for the annual summer outing. People came in and stepped out of my life. Work is never stable, just like the undulating waves forever crashing down on a dirtied shore.

Now then, where do my priorities lie?

I still feel so scattered. I don't exactly feel emotionally tired, but I don't feel full of vigor either. I'm still here, waiting for that something to ignite the optimism I once flared across the midnight sky.

Waiting, patiently waiting.

Emptiness

And then, I feel empty.

I dislike the uncertain feeling after saying one is happy. Of course, when one is up, there is nowhere to go but down.

My emotions feel so distraught. I don't know why, but they seem all over the place. Happy, sad, in the verge of tears, drunk in a bask of euphoria -- name it, I have it. I feel so energetic and lethargic at the same time. I still feel alive and complete, but a part of me feels dead empty.

I hope something happens. It doesn't matter if it is good or bad; I don't care. I hope something happens so this feeling of emptiness would vanish into the past, fleeting into another confusing phase of life.

You Know, That Feeling

Today, I took the day off because I endured a mind breaking eight hour overtime. The issue we were fixing was marked as a critical one. No matter what happened, we had to fix it, and we did. It was already four in the morning, and I hadn't eaten dinner yet.

I wanted to go half day, but my body refused. I woke up at two in the afternoon.

As the humid day went on, I received a text. It was from the person who made me feel it was the end of the road. I had already moved on, but then, I receive a text from him. A part of me wants to go back, but the stronger part of me soldiered forward into leaving the past behind.

And just a while ago, an online friend of mine living in Paris asked me if he can go out with me when he came home this month. We have been exchanging messages for almost two months, and he seems a decent guy. I'm a little afraid that he can't fluently speak English or Filipino, but I'm trying to believe in myself and not to get crippled by my anxieties.

It has been a long time since I felt kilig. It is always nice to know that the person one likes to know better shares the same sentiment. The feeling overwhelmed me for only less than two minutes -- compared to before which lasts for hours, or even days. With that, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I have grown stronger and slowly weaned myself out of the horrible grasp of being desperate.

End of the Road

Some things are better off ended.

It makes life much more easier to handle. Ending things is painful, however with that pain, one starts a renewal. Once the wounds have healed, a person is reborn. Stronger or weaker: it depends on the choices one will make.

In that pain lies sweet sorrow, a reminder that one is alive, yearning for solace in the ironies of life.