Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Truth (Part Two)

This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you, dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do yourself a favor and close this tab.

Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.

Ano talaga ang dahilan? 

Pakialamero siya kasi.

Everything would have been better if my ex minded his own life. I can't say if he found his life too dull and boring that he ended up always meddling with my life. I'm not saying this to insult him or start another fight (which would probably happen if he reads this, but I don't give no shit anymore). I am stating it now because that is what I see as the truth, and he needs to realize that that is the truth.

He always told me to tell the truth to my mom because his image was so destroyed when she had to step in between us in an extremely physical fight. He wanted me to tell to my mom everything naughty I did because apparently, those things were the cause of all his resentment and anger towards me. I thought to myself, why should I do that? Don't I have the right to live a part of my life in private?

At tama bang dapat raw magkasundo sila ng magiging boyfriend ko kasi raw kuya ko na raw siya ngayon? Ni tunay ko ngang kuya hindi ako pinapakailaman sa personal kong buhay, siya pa kayang kuya-kuyahan ko raw?

Go destroy the dreams and life of somebody else. You've already destroyed mine. And no, I didn't destroy no fucking dream of yours. You wrecked your own life and dreams because you allowed yourself to become such a horrible person. Hindi mo ba na-gets kung bakit gusto kong maayos yung problema natin? Uulitin ko, kasi sobrang miserable mo na, at alam mong hindi ko gustong ganyan ka. Kung anu-ano na ang ginagawa mong katarantaduhan. Para ano, mapansin kita? Nakuha mo na ang gusto mo kasi pansin na pansin na kita ngayon, kaya lubayan mo na ako. Tanginang buhay to.
But I think it's my fault for allowing him to be still part of my intimate life. I'd admit that we still had sex long after we broke up, but I clearly told him that sex was just sex. It was just a release of carnal desire, and it did not contain any romantic feelings. But probably that didn't work out for him. Maybe he still thought there was still something else going on, that the "buck fuddy" thing didn't work out for him. I'd like to say the shit I am now is all my fault, but who am I kidding? Probably own pathetic self.

Now that I've cut my connections with him, let's see what will happen. I've given too much fuck about him, and I think it's about time that I move on with my own life, preferably without him. Harsh as it may sound, I'd rather life a life full of shit rather than to be with him ever again. It's just he's caused me too much frustration, grief, and pain already -- and to think that he calls himself my "big brother"?


I probably caused him so much unneeded frustration, grief, and pain as well, but it's his fault that he felt that way. He told me before that until now, he loved me very much. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't love that he was feeling, it was turning into a sick obsession. Why? Because if you really love a person, you'll let go so that the person you love would be happy -- a lot of people would attest to that. It's a painful sacrifice, but it is the correct and healthy choice. What did he do? He stalked me and destroyed possible relationships with two wonderful people that I could have been in. He wanted me to be still with him, out of either sheer selfishness or some other reason I no longer have interest in knowing, even if he clearly knew my happiness was no longer with him. I told him that I wanted to be good friends with him, but I was not willing to be his boyfriend ever again. Looking back at all the tears I held back and painfully shed because of him, I should have just let him leave our house as soon as I broke up with him. Honestly, I didn't do so because I was terribly afraid of what would happen to both of us, but looking at what has happened to us now, it was an unforgivable mistake. Both of us didn't deserve anything painful that has happened in the past year and a half.

I told my friend that no need to worry, I am coping up in my own way. She was worried because I told her that I felt so bitterly alone even if I knew that I wasn't. I manage by just looking forward to the time wherein I'd be thankful for everything that has happened because it made me as strong as I could possibly be.

I still believe that time will come.

Pumpkin, first day mo sa work ngayon. I know you are doing great, ikaw pa. I wrote three new goals today. Sa totoo lang, I shouldn't be thinking of you anymore, but I just can't help it. Promise, I'll forget you as soon as I can, hindi lang talaga ngayon. Hayaan mo lang muna akong manghinayang sa nasayang nating relationship. Ingat ka palagi, and always remember that I love you very much.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Truth (Part One)

This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you, dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do yourself a favor and close this tab.

Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.

The context: very very bad misunderstanding between me, my ex, and my "boyfriend" who is now in Canada. Ex being having broken up since December 2010 from a one and a half year relationship. "Boyfriend" in quotes since neither of us asked the other if he'll be one, but we have already told each other our feelings for one another. And I'm gay.

I received a text message from my ex:

Sana kung magkikwento k
sa iba ung t0t0o.tnx!
sbhn u kung bkt tau nag away
at sbhn u kung anu talaga
ang dahilan.

The problem is I never lied. Cross my heart, hope to die. I'm swearing in God's name that I didn't lie even if it's a horrible thing to do. I am that sincere I didn't lie. Everything was just a big swab of fucked-up misunderstandings. I'm so sick of not knowing what to think, since apparently every time I open my stupid mouth, a whole lot of fuck happens. And I'm not so sure if that's supposed to happen. I feel so ignorant, or maybe even controlled. Fuck you, intelligent and free world.

And yeah, I hate it when you substitute mo to u when texting. I'm pathetic, since even the littlest and most trivial of things I can no longer take. I read this as sabihin you kung bakit tayo nag-away at sabihin you kung ano talaga ang dahilan. Hilarious.

i told the truth. van either
misunderstood or told a lie.
i'm sorry if it counts. but it
doesn't matter now. van cut
whatever relationship we have.
just pay your dues to ma and me.
don't text me again. thanks.

The (non-verbatim) text message I sent in reply a few hours ago. I should have sent that message (or at least the last two sentences excluding 'thanks' part) a year and a half ago, but nonetheless, this is the start of picking up the pieces of what I have left. If I only had the balls to tell my ex that it's over, so go leave the house since we know the you still living here scheme isn't happening, everything would be at least better. But no. I just told him that it's over, but you can still stay here dahil may pinagsamahan tayo. I was too kindhearted and naive, him being my first boyfriend. If I steeled through and gave him the boot to the ass, our wounds would have long healed by now. Maybe both of us are happy with each others' lives. But no. The past year and a half was nothing but a big swash of lies. Lies to myself, lies to other people, lies to the whole fucking humankind. Lies that did nothing but to make the wounds of breaking up only worse.

May pinagsamahan tayo. I can't believe I still thought that way even if he told me that I destroyed his fucking dreams. Sinira mo ang mga pangarap ko, he said. I honestly got deeply hurt when he said that to my face, but I didn't fucking weep. That was not a lie, isn't it? Maybe it was. Lies, sweet lies.

I understand Sweetie, I won't insist... I just wanna thank you for everything sa mga pagsakay sa mga kalokohan ko at dun sa konting love na binigay mo! Hindi rin kita makakalimutan and sorry din if I put you in the situation kung nasaan ka ngayon. For the last time, I love you... Goodbye!

Don't worry, I will remove everything that links us both after this....

Ironically, I'm worried he'll remove everything that linked us both. This is probably the last message I'll ever get from my "boyfriend". I cried after reading this. I felt so heartbroken that I cried. I can't hide my feelings to myself anymore. But I had it coming. Who in their sane mind would fall in love with someone who's leaving the country in two weeks? I didn't want to let go, because I already loved him. I honestly believed that we could work things out, but let's face it, it isn't happening. I am not a part of his dreams, Canada is, and I completely understand why.

And no, it wasn't konting love, damn it. I really loved him, but I was afraid since I knew there would be a time that I'll need to let go. Like I said, I'm not a part of his dreams.

I love you, pumpkin. But yeah, let's face it: you'll never be around to feel that, but at least I know that that isn't a lie. I love you, that's why I'm saying goodbye as well. It's painful as hell, but time can heal even the deepest of pains. You have a new life ahead of you, and I don't want to be in the way dahil baka sirain ko rin ang mga pangarap mo. We wouldn't want that now, do we? Good.

But really now, do take care pumpkin. I'll take the leisure in writing this nonsense since you won't be able to read this anyway. I know you know that I love you. I'll still wait for the pasabog you promised on my birthday, even if it isn't coming. I'll still wait for March to come, since you said you'll take me to Cebu, even if I know you'll go there without me. I love you, and take care always. Allergic ka pa naman sa lamig, eh ang lamig lamig dyan sa Canada. Sayang, wala akong copy ng picture natin together, ang pogi ko pa naman dun at bagay na bagay tayong dalawa. Miss na kita, at naiiyak na akong isiping hindi na kita makikita o makakausap man lang ulit. At oo, magpapasabog pa rin ako sa March kahit hindi mo na yun makikita, promise. I'll always set goals like you do to put some direction in my at-the-moment life.

I love you.


Moving on, I took pride in myself that I never blamed anyone for the things that happened, no matter how screwed or fucked up they were. That was a terrible, seething lie. Now, I blame myself, and deep down inside, I blame my ex for everything bad that happened to my romantic life after I met him. Sinira ko mga pangarap mo? Well, sinira mo na rin ang mga pangarap ko. Sana masaya ka na para lubayan mo na ako, tangina. Gets ko naman kung bakit ayaw mo akong makipagsex sa iba, kasi delikado, baka magkasakit. Alam ko yun, salamat, pero bakit pati mga taong nagugustuhan ko? Bakit kailangan mong gawin yun? Akala ko gusto mo ako magkaroon ng boyfriend kasi natatakot ka na hindi na ako magkaroon ng boyfriend ulit dahil sa kinahinatnan ng relationship natin?

Stupidly enough, I ask these questions even if I have no intent of knowing the answer. Not that I don't like to, but because let's face it: it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And I'll just have a relationship with my right hand. Kung basted, edi sa kaliwa.

I'm not the person who'd say such horrible words. Think, yes, but say, no. Why am I saying them now? Wala lang, for a change. I've always tried to avoid conflict with my ex, but I always ended up starting them. I was always the one flaring up and barging in with a raised tone. Why? Because I always got frustrated about our situation. Wala kasing nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam kung ano talaga ang problema: ako, siya, o kaming dalawa.

And (apparently) on all counts of our 'disagreements', he always told me that I was a bastard liar. Well, probably it's true, because he fucking knows everything about the things I did or the people I met. You know, things that he or even my mother is not supposed to know? I feel dumb that apparently, I am at amiss how the world operates the word privacy.

"Ma, I'm calling to tell you that I'll be home late kasi I just had a romp with a man old enough to be my father at 15th Avenue here at Cubao. No fucking, delikado yun eh. Just some mutual sucking and jerking and some sweet intracrural. Ang laki ng titi niya! Oh yeah, bakla ako. You knew? Fucking fantastic. Ok see you later, love you lots bye."

No? I thought so.

But it's my fault that I do not delete messages in my inbox or change all passwords every half hour that passes. That's why in the first place, he knows everything I did. I'm not careful enough. Blame me. Please blame me.

Privacy and crime are two different things, right? How come I feel as if I'm being punished for doing things in my own, private life? I mean, having some sexytime with a person you've just met (which you should not do) is well, bad, but it's not like I ransacked a bank for a million bucks, right?

The way things I'm seeing it, several things can be happening here:
A) I do not have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol?
B) My ex does not know I have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol in his eyes?
C) My ex does not know how privacy operates. Not reading others' phone inbox or hacking emails and social networking accounts is a start.
D) Let's keep it general. It's a misunderstanding.

I'll bet my balls on the last one. But to place some effort in answering the question kung ano talaga ang dahilan, I'll say that it's him getting frustrated that I do not tell everyone about the vulgar and horrible things I do, you know, things that fall under the word privacy. He gets the shitty grits of a bad rep because he does all these stupid things just to make me spill my beans. I'm running on pure speculation here folks, but my guess is that he thinks I don't know what I'm doing in my life. What am I, a damned three year old?

I'll admit I'm exaggerating things here. But simply put, his point is that what I'm doing is wrong. My point is that he's not even supposed to know that thing I was doing, not on the grounds of I'm hiding dirty secrets from him, but just on the fact that I have a private life. His point: concern perhaps? My point: tangina bakit ka nanghihimasok sa buhay ko? Hindi naman ako pariwara at alam ko naman ang ginagawa ko. Sarili kong ngang nanay at tatay hindi ako pinapakialaman, hindi dahil wala silang pakialam, dahil alam nilang alam ko ang ginagawa ko at nirerespeto nila ang mga desisyon ko.  He cares way too much, as if he's like an overprotective boyfriend, which is actually quite good. As a friend, I really do care, but as a boyfriend, I don't fucking give a damn anymore well since, matagal nang hindi kami.

I'd totally understand everything if we were in a romantic relationship together since partners need to be transparent to one anoth...oh.

Just shoot me in the head so it's all over. Do it as an act of mercy.

I know he has his reasons, and I won't force him to tell me if he doesn't want to. You know, privacy? Maybe my ex is right that I am shit clueless on what I'm doing, but there's one thing I know: I want him out of my life. I am sincerely sad that it has come to this, but I've been sad way too long. What's running in my mind is that a little bit more sadness won't hurt anymore if I can be given the chance to be happy afterwards. I'm clinging on the chance to be happy. I'm that desperate.

This post was all but vulgar rage accentuated with crisp expletives. Promise, I'll post something more levelheaded. Kaya nga part one ito eh.

Bakla ako. At kung hindi mo alam, bakla ka rin kasi pumatol ka sakin. Pero ako, hindi pailalim kung tumira. Kasi gawain lang ng bakla yun.