Spoiled Brat

Years ago, I always remember myself carrying an emotional burden only I knew existed. I always complained about how things were so far from what I thought they were supposed to be. The littlest rejection over things irked me for days. I hated myself for being so unlikeable to the point that I wanted to end my misery to attain some happiness once and for all.

That was years ago.

After a few days of wondering, stepping away to see how I felt and how I thought, I can say that I no longer have the emotional capacity of an egocentric and selfish kid who thinks of nobody but himself. I have learned that the world isn't here for the consumption of my ideals, that I was only a part of it no matter what happened. People are there because they are people, and not because they are made to server whatever purpose I had.

I always thought that I wasn't a spoiled brat ever since I was a kid. My parents didn't give in to my whims and tantrums, in all their forms and sizes. But after coming down from the hill to the real world, I realized how bad my inner attitude was: I have spoiled my own self. I always thought the world was unfair because it seemed that I never got what I wanted. But after two years of learning what the real world is like, I have accepted that life is indeed unfair. It is up to us to do with what we have and make life for us and for the people around us better and more meaningful.

No more dramas. Life sucks, so I'll go deal with it.

"Happy"

I was clearing some space in my room for my Xbox since I wanted to finally finish playing Resident Evil 5. The last time I played it was over half a year ago for the reason being I liked playing Kinect games more. As  the release of the next game in the series is approaching, I emptied a corner on the shelf below the television in my room. I wanted to pump Majini full of lead with Chris Redfield's pump-action shotgun before Sherry Birkin, one of the protagonists of the next game, enters the scene.

As I patiently moved random items that cluttered the shelf to make space for Raven, I came across a long-forgotten orange bottle of perfume with the word "Happy" on one side. It was the perfume given to me by a person who changed my life some years ago. Curious, I opened and tried it. To my surprise, I found the scent no longer appealing like before. It didn't smell like it was no longer good; it smelled perfectly fine, I just didn't like it anymore.

I remember myself really liking that perfume long ago. I always wore it wherever I went. I did not consume the entire bottle because I was afraid I won't be able to get another one.

As I was putting the bottle inside its proper box, I noticed that the orange bottle had patches of paint peeling off. Without stopping to think for another moment, I placed the sweet-smelling container that I liked for so long in the past inside its orange box, partly disappointed.

The tangerine tinted bottle that represented my happiness in the past was probably just a fake, but my feelings made it real, at least for me.

Goodbye Money

Clark (CRK) to Kuala Lumpur (KUL)
12 November 2012, 1105-1450
AirAsia AK1663

Singapore (SIN) to Manila (MNL)
16 November 2012, 0620-1000
Jetstar Airways 3K761

MidnightWolf

Call me a hypocrite, but I logged in to the site after I gained my account back. I signed back in because of curiosity: I've been out of the site for a couple of months now. I've changed my password and removed all my face pictures. I also wanted to know what happened during the time when someone was using my account against my will. Good thing I found out nothing, or there was actually something that happened but I will never know, since the site only retains messages for a week, unless saved.
 
As expected, the same kind of people are still on it. I can't blame myself for trying to be optimistic after all that happened. But rest assured, I'm definitely on the edge of leaving the site, at least for now.

Answers In the Present

I received a text earlier this day containing two of my previous accounts and their current passwords. Shortly after replying thanks, my phone buzzed again and showed a message containing the words I'm so sorry.

It was my ex.

I want to trust him this time around that he's truly sincere in saying sorry, but deep inside me, I just can't help but doubt his intentions. Maybe that or sadly, it's just I bluntly don't care anymore. I've closed that sad chapter of my life and shoved it deep inside the horrible recesses of the past.

Actually, there was no reason to say sorry since I have long forgiven him for everything. In my point, there was no sense to hold a grudge because it just wasn't worth the effort. I have already accepted his apology even before he asked for it. The things that happened were just too painful that's why I don't want him to be in my life any longer.

"The past... it blinds us, it fools us into believing it. But the heart wants to live in the present. Look there, you'll find your answer."

I have long looked in the present and found my answer. This time around, I hope you find yours.

Happy Birthday to You

Yesterday was the birthday of a friend of mine who has been a crush ever since junior year of high school. It has been a very long time, around seven years or so, but I'll admit that I still like him even until today.

I've known him since second year high, as we became classmates then. I've never seen him at school before, and I honestly thought that he was an upperclassman who got retained in second year. Being a member of the varsity basketball team, he had this very athletic look on him: great height, tall nose, and a buzzcut head. During that time, I felt nothing special towards him even if he had the physical attributes I like on a dude -- he was just my classmate. But the following year, I was assigned to sit beside him. Things changed. I started to like him because of his easygoing nature. He always wore his signature grin whatever happened. He looked very mysterious, gallant, and proud, but at the same time, very kalog. Even if his interactions with me were primarily school-related, there were little times that told me he was a kindhearted person. Of course, I did not tell him upfront that I liked him, but I think he knew that since we became seatmates. There were little things I'd do only for him that I won't do for anybody else, even my closest friends: let him copy an assignment, cheat his attendance record, or even make a paper for him. Graduation came, and I remember being down that I would not be able to see my crush anymore. Silly me.

I was surprised that he took the same course as I did: computer science. It meant that I would still see him in college, and that we would still be together, as blockmates at the least. True enough, we were still in the same classes, and he was still the same old him: copying assignments from me, cheating his cuts and absences with my help, and asking me to help him program our first project. I did those things as a friend and not as someone who liked him. Things were okay until one time, in wanting to help him, I lied to him. The sad part about it was he found out about it, and he told me he knew that I lied. That incident was one of those stupid things each of us is bound to make.

I no longer saw him the following year. He dropped out of school, probably because of that incident. I never heard any real news of him after that. All I know was that he's in the States, finishing university there. It was sad, but I moved on nonetheless. He was straight and moreover, he was already in the States -- not that I'm saying I had the chance.

After a few years though, he dropped us a line that he was in the country. He treated us blockmates out for a couple of beers, and I sat beside him, of course. I listened to his stories on how different it was in the States, and how he misses his friends here in the Philippines. He was as easygoing and as kalog as ever -- not to mention his grin and his laugh. That night, I was very happy because I saw him again after a long, long time (and he was even more handsome than before), but at the same time, my heart quietly broke because the reality that we will never be together finally came upon me. I wanted to silently shed even just a lone tear because I knew that I'll never see him again, but I chose not to because I wanted to enjoy his corny jokes and boisterous laughter for the last time.

Wherever you are Joseph, I hope you're doing well. I know you are, ikaw pa?

Thirty Leaves in Four Months: Floor (Part Twenty-Six)

I have a rather interesting problem at work: how to consume around 30 leaves in a span of four months.

I earned a lot of leaves because of the relentless overtime hours I rendered during the first few months of the year. There was a lot of work to be done in such little amount of time. The result was the team accomplishing what needed to be done (but being down by the colds from time to time), and us earning a lot of leaves in the process. The time being mid-September, I am put into a position wherein I should use all of my leaves by December, or they will be rendered null and void.

There is an option to convert all my earned leaves into cash, but the converted amount, computed in my rate last January, will strike a hefty sum to tax, which I dislike. Looking at the pros and cons, I decided that taking the leave is the better decision since I would get paid in my current (and better) rate as I took the day off. I talked to my manager about it, and he told me that of course, I cannot use all of my leaves at once. He advised me to take a week's off every month until all of my leaves were used up.

With that planned out, I am troubled on what to do when I do take a week's off at work. It would be a waste if I just slacked around at home, doing the usual stuff I do each and every day.

Suggestions?

The Present

"It is each man's quest to find out who he truly is. But the answer to that lies in the present, not in the past; as it is for all of us here."

"But the past tells us who we've become."

"The past is a construct of the mind. It blinds us, it fools us into believing it. But the heart wants to live in the present. Look there, you'll find your answer."

Conversation between Matthias Lair and Carl Hauser, 
in the movie Total Recall

Tenacity: Cologne

...I was too selfish for my own good. I told him that I wanted to think of my own happiness first before others, and that I believed that during that time, being alone was the right thing to do. It didn't exactly bring me happiness, but it brought me happiness contained in the fact that I was doing what I believed to be the correct step forward. In a very civil and composed manner, he told me everything that I did or did not do that brought about him pain, and that it was better to forget about each other.

...The thing I regret doing was me taking him for granted. Yes, I was going through a lot, but it was not enough an excuse to take someone important for granted. I just sort of believed that he would understand me as he underwent the same things that I went through, and that was wrong. In the end, I only caused him pain, which was something he didn't deserve at all.

Until now, I am still uncertain about my feelings for him. But now, I have no more reason to think about it. Going back to the happier times, I asked him what was the cologne he wore when we went out. He wouldn't tell, and said that he'll give me some as a gift since I really liked it. As I was doing my groceries yesterday, I curiously picked up a bottle of cologne and tried it out -- it was his. Putting the small bottle in my basket, I wondered if my decision some weeks ago was the right thing.

It was. Painful as it may have been, but it was.

Nox, from 'Cologne'
September 4, 2011


Afficionado F56. It's the cologne I use until now.

Alone (Part Two)

For the past few weeks or so, I've been thinking about going back again to that site. Sure, I've lost my account because of things beyond my control, but nothing else is keeping me from creating a new account. I can freely create a new account and avoid putting pictures that will make me recognizable. But for after so long, I still remain steadfast in my decision of not going back to the site any longer, even if my own reason is unclear even for myself.

But I've got things straight now: it is all because of fear.

In no way am I willing to risk just for the sake of being happy together with a special someone. The things that I went through were too much that up until now, remnants of it still appear in my head from time to time. Looking back, I am amazed that I allowed everything that transpired in the past to actually happen. With reasons now unclear after letting all love and concern go, the only thing left now is fear after anger silently eroded away with time.

I'd be a total, hypocrite liar if I said that I'm not hoping for someone who'll prove me wrong. Sadly enough,  that person already came almost three years ago and proved me wrong: not that I would never find someone that I'll be happy with, but that there was something else much more painful than being alone.

In reality, I still do not find strength within me. My confidence is always impeded by insecurities I know I can overcome, but do not. Whatever the case, I'm slowly inching forward: I find strength in the solace of a separate peace, a silent world only I can see and hear.