Trick or Treat: Floor (Part Sixteen)

Today, children of employees at work came to do some trick or treating. Feeling the spirit of spooks and scares, I decided to craft a mask that was a cross between the antagonist in Predator, and Jenova, the antagonist in Final Fantasy VII.

When I was making it, I didn't expect it to be frightening at all. But after I have glued and taped down the last few wires and let the silver paint dry up, it started to look unsettling. What completed the look was the black electrical tape that I added in an ecks across the lips. It wasn't the usual Halloween scare, rather it was something weird and eerie to the point that it was already disturbing.

It was a silver cyborg face which broke to freedom but was pacified, never to tell the tale about it.

As I wore my creation, children didn't mind my presence. They were too fixated on the sheer quantity of candies and treats people prepared. However, there was one little girl who looked at me in the eyes, fumbled backwards, and started to cry. What I did was to wave back at her, and that succeeded in cheering her up. I was relieved that I didn't scare her off. I made my mask not to scare children away, but to appease the desire in my hands to do something creative.

The busy day ended with the children all going home with a bag full of sweets and smiles painted across their happy little faces. I, feeling a sense of proud achievement to Jenova (a teammate of mine told me I looked like Jenova), laid her beside my monitor at work: an eerie and constant reminder that I can achieve things when I put my mind to it.

Always Smiling

The day of our orientation about Pointwest was a sleepy day for me. I stayed up late the previous evening, since we went to Bulacan to take part in my grandfather's anniversary. It has been a sacred tradition for us, since anyone who broke to his last wish would feel his presence.

The icebreaker for that day was to say your name, and to say something unique about yourself. Nadja, one of the facilitators, started by saying her name and some details about her. She also shared that no matter how tired she was, she never ever frowns in front of people -- hindi siya nagbuborsimangot. I was aptly intrigued. In the back of my mind, I thought it was impossible.

At almost eleven months into my stay here at Pointwest, true enough, I've never seen Nadja frown. I've seen her get upset, but never did I witness her smile turn upside down.

For the past few days, I've been getting increasingly tired. My lack of discipline pushes me to stay up late, making me late for work or be extremely groggy during the day. I manage to always stay lively at work, but when I get home, I just feel so tired in many ways that I frown just about everything. Nadja may have inspired me for always trying to be cheerful, and I'm pleased about it. Now, I just want to stay happy at home even if I'm really worn out, because I am happy and content at my home.

[Raven]

I've finally bought her. She's an Xbox 360 slim, a 250 GB beauty bundled with the awesome device named Kinect. After four or so months of putting aside a part of my salary, she's here. I'm planning to call her Raven, but I'm still considering other names.

She's to become the life of the party, always placing grins on happy people's faces. In the end, I bought her thinking not only about myself, but other people as well.

Two Choices

I'm slowly starting to grow independent of "that" site. I've told myself over and over that it will not bring me any good. However, I cannot convince myself not to pay a visit. Like a drug, I have grown addicted to it: the plentiful locales showing off their ripped bodies, putting on their most handsome of smiles, and of course, a few daunting enough to show their engorged packages.

In that gay market, your body is the currency to a new relationship. People glance through profile after profile in search for one thing: free sex. Yes, there are people much more better than that, however, the truth lies in the fact that most of the members there are after a quick thrill to quench one's carnal desires and bodily pleasures.

To be blunt, I can do it all by myself. I've been joking around with my friends online: I'm in a relationship with my right hand.

I've been single for almost a year, and I'm still alive. More importantly, I am content in being single. Yes, I do miss the times when I have someone to cuddle to during the cold, rainy weather. I miss the quiet times of eating with your special someone in a very ordinary place -- however your special someone makes everything out of the ordinary. I am a hopeless romantic and an eternal dreamer, but I have learned that reality isn't all that hard, once I understood how to accept it. I quote myself a few months back: being single is a choice.

Years ago, I've cursed everything for making me gay. I felt as if everything is twice as difficult because I was erroneous. I couldn't like the people I liked. People bullied me for being different from them. I've cried so much that my eyes dried up, unwilling to shed another teardrop. But, growing older, living life, and having friends that accepted me no matter who I was made me realize one thing: being gay is a choice. It might have been a choice I made without my full knowledge, but to no regrets. I have accepted who I am, and if given another choice, I'd still choose to be gay. It is who I am.

Being gay in a homophobic society isn't easy. It is a constant battle between fitting in and standing out. I admire all the gay people who step out of the closet, but I do respect all the gay men living in the darkest corners of it. Everyone has their own choices, and it is through my choices that I will make a difference, at least in my own life.

Destiny gives us chances; we make the choices.

Drew Manning's Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit

There is a personal trainer in America who's becoming obese in purpose.

Drew Manning, a certified gym rat rocking a chiseled body of 193 lbs, has gained about 70 lbs of fat deliberately. He has turned from lean to obese in over three and a half months. And news say he still has four more weeks into his self-ballooning. All his weight came from all sorts of junk food and sugary treats that he'd never touched before, coupled with him not exercising as regularly.

In the news, he explains that this is personal mission named Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit, and that he's currently in the Fit 2 Fat part. Manning shares that in becoming obese, he has taken for granted the simple, everyday things that he never had any problems when his stomach was still flat, such as tying shoelaces or clipping toenails. Now, at a staggering 261 lbs, he admits that he misses his old, energetic self, since when he gained all that extra weight, he has become sluggish and lazy. His point in doing so is that he wanted to understand how people who has problems with their weight feel, and prove that he can return to his regular, impressive physique. If he can do it, so can others, with nerves of steel, unwavering dedication, and unfaltering discipline at hand.

My personal conquest in gaining weight has become a battle of discipline, with me always losing day in and day out. I know the key in gaining weight is eating nutritious food and getting an ample amount of quality sleep. Yes, I have become more conscious about the food I eat, but I always end up staying until the wee hours of the morning, feeling sluggish in waking up the following day. I have been reminding myself constantly that I will never hit the gym until I learn the discipline that it requires. And true enough, I am correct in saying myself so.

Stepping Up: Floor (Part Sixteen)

One of the former team leads of Omega, who is now assigned in Atlanta, generously sent some cash for the team. Our project manager quickly elected to have a team lunch, thanks to the money our friend gave us.

While waiting for our order to arrive, our project manager cracked a joke in saying that he'll be leaving Omega, and that he'll form a new team consisting of all of the current leads of our team. With everyone laughing, one of my colleagues replied that that will be the end of Omega. But, our manager said that if ever the moon was shot, it would be the opportune time to step up and show our potentials as future leads.

At the back of my head, I wondered if the time will come when I will become a team lead. Ten months in, and I can't say that I'm willing to lead a team, let alone handle a person as my junior. I dislike being responsible for someone else, because from time to time, I feel that I don't have the capacity to take full responsibility over my own actions. I can proudly say that I have been stepping up and doing my best as a junior developer, but I can't say so when the time comes.

Maybe in time, I'll be ready. Just maybe.

Anticipation

If there is one word that can describe what I'm feeling right now, it's disappointed.

I've been very excited in buying something for myself. As I withdrew my hard earned savings, I wondered if it wasn't a selfish move on my part. Deciding that this one was for me, I anxiously waited in full anticipation for Sunday to arrive, only to find out that what I wanted to buy was out of stock. Sigh. I had the gut feel that it was the case, but I didn't pay attention. As I went home, I hid the heavy feeling that replaced my enthusiasm and put on a face that said everything was alright, even though it wasn't.

I'll be back on Saturday, anyways.

Out of Respect (Part Two)

Again, I've had another heated argument with my mom. It's not as bad as the last time, but still, she raised her irritated voice at me. I don't have any bad sentiments against my mom. I love her very much since she has given a lot of things I am thankful for. But I hope she understands that sometimes, things happen because of her.

Last week, I asked permission that my sister and I will be borrowing the car today and tomorrow, since we will be going to the dentist and to Greenhills, respectively. Asking if we have any plans to go out, she shook her head, and nodded in approval for us to take the car. But a few days ago, she said that they will be using the car tonight, since they will be fetching my dad's new prescription glasses. Being patient and accepting compromise, we adjusted our previously afternoon schedule to the dentist to a morning one instead. Saturday comes, and I wake up to find out that she went to the market, only to come back half past noon.

In whole honesty, I wasn't a bit surprised. I was actually expecting something like that to happen, because she always does that whenever we'll use the car.

My sister and I got back home at around five this afternoon, as agreed upon by my mom. She greets us by asking what took us so long, and that she was supposed to be picking up my dad at his office at that time. I told her that the dentist did a lot of work to both my sister and I. She snapped back with a raised tone that she was only asking and that I didn't need to be angry. Maybe she felt that I was raising my voice at her, but I wasn't. Deep inside, I wanted to tell her that our schedule was supposed to be early this morning, and that she came back after lunch.

Out of respect, I just walked away. I just hope she understands that a reason why we were late was because she was late as well. I know she does, that's why I'm disappointed.

Selfish?

I'm planning to buy something worth over half of my savings from work. I was so excited, but then I thought if I really wanted that thing that bad. Heck, I even thought if I needed it. With so many things happening around, a lot of people need any kind of help, even from strangers.

Strangers, huh?

But I've decided: it's a gift for myself from myself. It's about time that I started to think about myself, and not just each and every single person I see. Being selfish isn't my case here, it's just me curbing my overly altruistic self that usually denies me of what I want, or even what I really deserve.

These Times

These kinds of times just really do happen. You feel you have a lot of things in your hands that you are forced to let some fall out of your grasp and wander away from your focus, even just a while.

I've been somewhat neglecting my blog. Either I have been really busy at work, or I am too tired to think of something meaningful to write to my future self. I just want to feel inspired, even if nothing is actually there to inspire me.

Missing Someone

"Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of times since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right there by your side."