Test of Faith

..and I would have easily failed. Really, I feel pathetic sometimes.

I have a rather tough problem with a friend of mine now. I was so stressed out that I implored for divine intervention: I felt a cowardly feeling overcome me, so I asked God to give me a sign: I asked Him to give me a certain dream in order to let me know what I'm doing is right, and He did.

Having received the sign I asked, I stood with my decision, only for something really bad to happen in the few days that followed. I thought to myself why things had to be that way, but in the end, I accepted it and reasoned out that it was a lesson I needed to learn the hard way. In the verge of giving up, I received a text message from my friend that reassured me everything would be fine, at least for now.

At the end of everything, I learned that having faith isn't something you only do when pinned down and cornered. Deep inside, I asked for help because I wanted something or somebody to blame when things went horribly unwell. That was wrong. Faith requires an enormous amount of courage and will, as it is finding a solid sense of security in a whole lot of fear and uncertainty.

Bitter

Last night after hitting the gym, a bud of mine and I went to a nearby joint to eat. I asked my friend on how his date went, since the day before, he had miryenda with the girl he wanted to get to know. He told me that he liked the girl better, since he thought that they complemented each other -- him being quiet and cool, while the girl being the talkative and cheerful one.

His problem was that the girl's ex was a good friend of his, and was working in the same company as we (and the girl) do. He thought that it would be awkward if it happens that something more than friends develop between him and the girl he liked. I told him that he shouldn't mind that now, since he was still just in the getting-to-know-you part of things. He should worry that in the future, when things really develop into something else. Plus that time, I added, the guy would have probably moved on from his relationship with the girl.

I asked him if he's really alright with the girl being an officemate of ours. He said that it was just fine, since he's primarily focused on his tasks at hand when he's at work. He asked me why, and I told him that for me, "missing time" was important. I shared a little about my previous relationship, and that a mistake I did that made things worse was when I let my boyfriend (girlfriend: I'm not out at work) live with me and my family. Things just got out of hand. I personally grew tired of seeing him each and every day that passed, until came a time when we found ourselves in a very physical fight that I had to call it quits. Everything that was happening during the time was no longer healthy for both of us, and letting go was the best decision, I thought.

As we left, I said sorry since I felt that I sounded so bitter of what remained of my previous relationship. I told him that yes, I was bitter in a way, but I was more disappointed than resentful. I told him I was disappointed because my ex chose to bring himself down to a miserable and pitiful state. He asked me if my ex and I were still friends. My reply was no, because I felt I can no longer trust him ever again. He broke my trust way too many times that I felt he no longer deserved the trust I gave him over and over again to redeem himself and prove that he was better than what he turned out to be.

MSP: Floor (Part Twenty-Seven)

Today, I signed a contract:

Start of Term: January 5, 2013 (tentative)
Start at client name: January 9, 2013 (tentative)
End of Term: April 9, 2013 (tentative)
Assignment: MSP

MSP is short for Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota.

Yesterday, my manager alerted me to approach his cube as he wanted to discuss with me something really quick. He casually told me that he has considered me to be deployed onsite, since I was eager to do so. Earlier this afternoon, while I was passing by, he pulled me in and showed me my contract for deployment. Everything was tentative since the budget of our project for the following year was still not decided. I glanced at the document and found my name, along with the role of onsite coordinator.

This is one of my goals, but now that it is in four months' reach, I suddenly feel a wave of frightened unpreparedness run over me. I wanted to assume the role of team lead offshore first, to at least partially prepare myself with the tasks attributed to an onsite coordinator. Life is very much unexpected, and if this is the case, I have to break free from my security in familiarity and embrace this new chapter in my life.

Spoiled Brat

Years ago, I always remember myself carrying an emotional burden only I knew existed. I always complained about how things were so far from what I thought they were supposed to be. The littlest rejection over things irked me for days. I hated myself for being so unlikeable to the point that I wanted to end my misery to attain some happiness once and for all.

That was years ago.

After a few days of wondering, stepping away to see how I felt and how I thought, I can say that I no longer have the emotional capacity of an egocentric and selfish kid who thinks of nobody but himself. I have learned that the world isn't here for the consumption of my ideals, that I was only a part of it no matter what happened. People are there because they are people, and not because they are made to server whatever purpose I had.

I always thought that I wasn't a spoiled brat ever since I was a kid. My parents didn't give in to my whims and tantrums, in all their forms and sizes. But after coming down from the hill to the real world, I realized how bad my inner attitude was: I have spoiled my own self. I always thought the world was unfair because it seemed that I never got what I wanted. But after two years of learning what the real world is like, I have accepted that life is indeed unfair. It is up to us to do with what we have and make life for us and for the people around us better and more meaningful.

No more dramas. Life sucks, so I'll go deal with it.

"Happy"

I was clearing some space in my room for my Xbox since I wanted to finally finish playing Resident Evil 5. The last time I played it was over half a year ago for the reason being I liked playing Kinect games more. As  the release of the next game in the series is approaching, I emptied a corner on the shelf below the television in my room. I wanted to pump Majini full of lead with Chris Redfield's pump-action shotgun before Sherry Birkin, one of the protagonists of the next game, enters the scene.

As I patiently moved random items that cluttered the shelf to make space for Raven, I came across a long-forgotten orange bottle of perfume with the word "Happy" on one side. It was the perfume given to me by a person who changed my life some years ago. Curious, I opened and tried it. To my surprise, I found the scent no longer appealing like before. It didn't smell like it was no longer good; it smelled perfectly fine, I just didn't like it anymore.

I remember myself really liking that perfume long ago. I always wore it wherever I went. I did not consume the entire bottle because I was afraid I won't be able to get another one.

As I was putting the bottle inside its proper box, I noticed that the orange bottle had patches of paint peeling off. Without stopping to think for another moment, I placed the sweet-smelling container that I liked for so long in the past inside its orange box, partly disappointed.

The tangerine tinted bottle that represented my happiness in the past was probably just a fake, but my feelings made it real, at least for me.

Goodbye Money

Clark (CRK) to Kuala Lumpur (KUL)
12 November 2012, 1105-1450
AirAsia AK1663

Singapore (SIN) to Manila (MNL)
16 November 2012, 0620-1000
Jetstar Airways 3K761

MidnightWolf

Call me a hypocrite, but I logged in to the site after I gained my account back. I signed back in because of curiosity: I've been out of the site for a couple of months now. I've changed my password and removed all my face pictures. I also wanted to know what happened during the time when someone was using my account against my will. Good thing I found out nothing, or there was actually something that happened but I will never know, since the site only retains messages for a week, unless saved.
 
As expected, the same kind of people are still on it. I can't blame myself for trying to be optimistic after all that happened. But rest assured, I'm definitely on the edge of leaving the site, at least for now.

Answers In the Present

I received a text earlier this day containing two of my previous accounts and their current passwords. Shortly after replying thanks, my phone buzzed again and showed a message containing the words I'm so sorry.

It was my ex.

I want to trust him this time around that he's truly sincere in saying sorry, but deep inside me, I just can't help but doubt his intentions. Maybe that or sadly, it's just I bluntly don't care anymore. I've closed that sad chapter of my life and shoved it deep inside the horrible recesses of the past.

Actually, there was no reason to say sorry since I have long forgiven him for everything. In my point, there was no sense to hold a grudge because it just wasn't worth the effort. I have already accepted his apology even before he asked for it. The things that happened were just too painful that's why I don't want him to be in my life any longer.

"The past... it blinds us, it fools us into believing it. But the heart wants to live in the present. Look there, you'll find your answer."

I have long looked in the present and found my answer. This time around, I hope you find yours.

Happy Birthday to You

Yesterday was the birthday of a friend of mine who has been a crush ever since junior year of high school. It has been a very long time, around seven years or so, but I'll admit that I still like him even until today.

I've known him since second year high, as we became classmates then. I've never seen him at school before, and I honestly thought that he was an upperclassman who got retained in second year. Being a member of the varsity basketball team, he had this very athletic look on him: great height, tall nose, and a buzzcut head. During that time, I felt nothing special towards him even if he had the physical attributes I like on a dude -- he was just my classmate. But the following year, I was assigned to sit beside him. Things changed. I started to like him because of his easygoing nature. He always wore his signature grin whatever happened. He looked very mysterious, gallant, and proud, but at the same time, very kalog. Even if his interactions with me were primarily school-related, there were little times that told me he was a kindhearted person. Of course, I did not tell him upfront that I liked him, but I think he knew that since we became seatmates. There were little things I'd do only for him that I won't do for anybody else, even my closest friends: let him copy an assignment, cheat his attendance record, or even make a paper for him. Graduation came, and I remember being down that I would not be able to see my crush anymore. Silly me.

I was surprised that he took the same course as I did: computer science. It meant that I would still see him in college, and that we would still be together, as blockmates at the least. True enough, we were still in the same classes, and he was still the same old him: copying assignments from me, cheating his cuts and absences with my help, and asking me to help him program our first project. I did those things as a friend and not as someone who liked him. Things were okay until one time, in wanting to help him, I lied to him. The sad part about it was he found out about it, and he told me he knew that I lied. That incident was one of those stupid things each of us is bound to make.

I no longer saw him the following year. He dropped out of school, probably because of that incident. I never heard any real news of him after that. All I know was that he's in the States, finishing university there. It was sad, but I moved on nonetheless. He was straight and moreover, he was already in the States -- not that I'm saying I had the chance.

After a few years though, he dropped us a line that he was in the country. He treated us blockmates out for a couple of beers, and I sat beside him, of course. I listened to his stories on how different it was in the States, and how he misses his friends here in the Philippines. He was as easygoing and as kalog as ever -- not to mention his grin and his laugh. That night, I was very happy because I saw him again after a long, long time (and he was even more handsome than before), but at the same time, my heart quietly broke because the reality that we will never be together finally came upon me. I wanted to silently shed even just a lone tear because I knew that I'll never see him again, but I chose not to because I wanted to enjoy his corny jokes and boisterous laughter for the last time.

Wherever you are Joseph, I hope you're doing well. I know you are, ikaw pa?

Thirty Leaves in Four Months: Floor (Part Twenty-Six)

I have a rather interesting problem at work: how to consume around 30 leaves in a span of four months.

I earned a lot of leaves because of the relentless overtime hours I rendered during the first few months of the year. There was a lot of work to be done in such little amount of time. The result was the team accomplishing what needed to be done (but being down by the colds from time to time), and us earning a lot of leaves in the process. The time being mid-September, I am put into a position wherein I should use all of my leaves by December, or they will be rendered null and void.

There is an option to convert all my earned leaves into cash, but the converted amount, computed in my rate last January, will strike a hefty sum to tax, which I dislike. Looking at the pros and cons, I decided that taking the leave is the better decision since I would get paid in my current (and better) rate as I took the day off. I talked to my manager about it, and he told me that of course, I cannot use all of my leaves at once. He advised me to take a week's off every month until all of my leaves were used up.

With that planned out, I am troubled on what to do when I do take a week's off at work. It would be a waste if I just slacked around at home, doing the usual stuff I do each and every day.

Suggestions?

The Present

"It is each man's quest to find out who he truly is. But the answer to that lies in the present, not in the past; as it is for all of us here."

"But the past tells us who we've become."

"The past is a construct of the mind. It blinds us, it fools us into believing it. But the heart wants to live in the present. Look there, you'll find your answer."

Conversation between Matthias Lair and Carl Hauser, 
in the movie Total Recall

Tenacity: Cologne

...I was too selfish for my own good. I told him that I wanted to think of my own happiness first before others, and that I believed that during that time, being alone was the right thing to do. It didn't exactly bring me happiness, but it brought me happiness contained in the fact that I was doing what I believed to be the correct step forward. In a very civil and composed manner, he told me everything that I did or did not do that brought about him pain, and that it was better to forget about each other.

...The thing I regret doing was me taking him for granted. Yes, I was going through a lot, but it was not enough an excuse to take someone important for granted. I just sort of believed that he would understand me as he underwent the same things that I went through, and that was wrong. In the end, I only caused him pain, which was something he didn't deserve at all.

Until now, I am still uncertain about my feelings for him. But now, I have no more reason to think about it. Going back to the happier times, I asked him what was the cologne he wore when we went out. He wouldn't tell, and said that he'll give me some as a gift since I really liked it. As I was doing my groceries yesterday, I curiously picked up a bottle of cologne and tried it out -- it was his. Putting the small bottle in my basket, I wondered if my decision some weeks ago was the right thing.

It was. Painful as it may have been, but it was.

Nox, from 'Cologne'
September 4, 2011


Afficionado F56. It's the cologne I use until now.

Alone (Part Two)

For the past few weeks or so, I've been thinking about going back again to that site. Sure, I've lost my account because of things beyond my control, but nothing else is keeping me from creating a new account. I can freely create a new account and avoid putting pictures that will make me recognizable. But for after so long, I still remain steadfast in my decision of not going back to the site any longer, even if my own reason is unclear even for myself.

But I've got things straight now: it is all because of fear.

In no way am I willing to risk just for the sake of being happy together with a special someone. The things that I went through were too much that up until now, remnants of it still appear in my head from time to time. Looking back, I am amazed that I allowed everything that transpired in the past to actually happen. With reasons now unclear after letting all love and concern go, the only thing left now is fear after anger silently eroded away with time.

I'd be a total, hypocrite liar if I said that I'm not hoping for someone who'll prove me wrong. Sadly enough,  that person already came almost three years ago and proved me wrong: not that I would never find someone that I'll be happy with, but that there was something else much more painful than being alone.

In reality, I still do not find strength within me. My confidence is always impeded by insecurities I know I can overcome, but do not. Whatever the case, I'm slowly inching forward: I find strength in the solace of a separate peace, a silent world only I can see and hear.

Alone

When I told my mom about being gay, she was worried for me above all things. She wasn't angry at me for being so, but she was troubled because she feared that I will grow to be a lonely person despite my cheerful disposition, since a lot of discreet gays end up being such. That night, I reassured her that she did not have to worry, because I chose to be gay and I wanted to stand by my decision. In my head, I said to myself that I am used to being alone anyway.

She was right. For the past few days, I've been in this limbo of being happy and being lonely. A part of me wants to find someone to share my life with, but a better part of me is content with what I am. Probably deep inside, I am still afraid of a relationship because of what became of my previous one.

I know I can do this. I am no longer the insecure boy who desperately tried to find security from a stranger. I now find strength within me. For now, that is enough for me to carry on, even if I am alone.

Project Kratos: Back to Start

Seven workouts in my new gym, I pulled a muscle in my groin due to squats, and strained my left wrist due to the bench. Both are getting better, but these injuries rocked my view on how I was performing under the bar.

Coach Oscar has told me twice on different days that I was doing some lifts with improper technique, na sayang ang buhat. True enough, I never felt the soreness I felt the first time I lifted. I asked him what the proper way was, but the problem was that what he taught me wasn't exactly the lifts I'm following. With that, I decided to deload all the weight I'm working on the next time I hit the gym to practice solely on technique. It is disappointing, since I am looking forward to a deadlift of 130lbs, but it's better this way: a crippling injury would be far more regretful rather that going back to start to improve my form.

Writing this now, I found that tt was the typical me: jumping straight into the heat of the battle without pausing to look at how things were faring.

Project Kratos: New Gym

For the past two weeks, I've started going to the gym again. I stopped for about three weeks because I unfortunately caught the flu which pinned me on my bed for at least two days, and then problems arose regarding the arrangement of my stay at Gold's. I also became very busy at work: double shifts were not unusual then (which caused my immune system to take a nosedive, hence the flu). Determined to meet my 170-lb-10%-BF goal in March 2013, I looked for a new gym and started to work out again. And I did find a gym, convenient enough for me to go to after work, along with some of my office mates as well.

Five workouts in my new gym, a coach told me that my form when squatting was poor -- I was arching my back way too much. He told me that the bar should only be on top of my shoulders and that I should not put out my buttocks way too far. I tried to follow his advice, but I found the style I was using, bar on the shoulder blades, more comfortable for me. Since I didn't want to look stubborn, so every time the coach passed by, I'd stop and do something else as a silly excuse for him not to watch.

Anyway, I feel my efforts are paying off. The fact that I'm sleeping early now is enough reason for me to keep working out. I'm looking forward to a deadlift of 130lbs -- about two or three weeks from now. Hopefully I can perfect my form so that when the heavier weights come along, I should be able to lift them without pulling a muscle.

Maturity: Floor (Part Twenty-Five)

I went to Ahm some days ago to ask if there was still an opportunity to be deployed onsite in Omega, my current project. He told me there still was. I asked him based on my performance if I was already qualified to be deployed onsite, and he told me that I should be a little bit more mature when it comes to work. I should learn how to resolve situations with a quick answer and a punctual follow-through. He also told me that I'll never truly understand what "maturity" meant unless I am able to experience an opportunity to act such: as a team lead.

In the almost over one hour that Ahm and I spent talking, the thing that stuck in my head the most was about strengths and weaknesses. He asked me the question whether if I'll sharpen my skills to overcome my weakness, or to focus my efforts to further improve my strength. After giving a partially slipshod answer of enhancing my strength, he reassured me that it was the better decision of the two. Focusing on my weakness and improving it will make me just mediocre at best, while taking my strengths and pushing them to the limits will outshine whatever weaknesses I might have. Besides, whatever I was weak on can be assigned to another person, Ahm wittily added.

Now, it's up to me to know what my real strengths and weaknesses are. I guess it is part of being mature.

Tenacity: Incomplete

Twelve years ago, I lost the person whom I called my father.

I lost the person I sought refuge to after a day full of teases and tears. I lost the person whom I told all my little victories, the small times I conquered the seas of my insecurites in my simple life back then. Twelve years ago, I lost a part of myself, never to be returned forever.

Here I am, standing incomplete under all the realities of life.

Tatay may no longer be here, but he'll be forever the one and only tatay for the rest of my life.

Tatay, masaya ka ba sa kung naging ano ako ngayon?
I love you Tatay. Sana masaya ka na ngayong magkasama na kayo ulit ni Nanay.

Zweihander, excerpt from 'Tatay, Miss na Kita'
August 3, 2009


Coming back to this post, I do wonder if Nanay and Tatay are happy in what I have become and what I have achieved. When I was a kid, they'll always lull me to sleep whenever I cried. Each and every time woke up, I always felt better. No matter what happened, I always found them beside me with a patient smile.

Nanay, Tatay, sorry if I turned out to be gay. But I'm proud to say that I'm a stronger person than before. Yes, I may be alone and incomplete under all the realities of life, but I no longer feel that I'm alone. I also have learned that being incomplete in itself is one of life's realities, and I'm trying my very best to be complete despite being incomplete.

Nanay, Tatay, I miss you both, but don't worry. Ang hirap, pero steady lang ako dito. I'm much more closer to Ma and Dad. They both know what I'm going through. Nanay, Tatay, I know both of you are always looking after me up there. Kita niyo naman, umiiyak ako ngayon. Huwag niyo sana ako pababayaan kasi alam niyo ang pinagdadaanan ko.

I love you.

Strength's True Price

From what I've experienced time in and out, inner strength isn't something one is born with. The hearts of people grow weaker or stronger with each passing day. After a meaningful day, one either walks away teary eyed from all the opportunities for growth gone forever, or relieved because one survived, permanently changed by what experiences one faced. I can say this because the person writing this and myself six years ago are now two completely different persons, but not without similarities.

I write this because for the past few days, I've never stopped thinking about all the what-ifs of my life. What if I did this? What if I chose not to do that? Rather than sulking about what could have become and living in regret, I always find myself looking for something worth learning in each time I stopped to ask myself. Never failing to pick up a tiny, shattered fragment of a better tomorrow, I have built myself a goal that I want to achieve in the future.

Making a choice in a crossroad of chances is a brave thing to do. Strength's true price is never knowing the answer to each and every what-if in our life.

We don't have to. We don't need to. That's why I can say I am stronger.

I choose to grow and be a better person not for somebody, but for myself. I am thankful that in everything that I went through, I always found a reason to learn and move forward. As Sum 41 puts it, holding onto the past will just make things worse for what little goodness is left. The worst part is that things are worse only for that person, and not for everybody else.

Sum 41 - Makes No Difference

Makes No Difference
Sum 41
from the album Half Hour of Power
---

You're running fast and missing but cannot help convincing
The reasons you gave me are all wearing thin
It's not meant to hurt you but let me assure you
It's not what I said but intentions you've read

So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me

Now that you're older, life's weighing on your shoulders
You can't seem to keep things so perfectly straight
With most things so basic you might as well face it
You can't help but worry it's all just begun

So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me

It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference

So when you hold onto the past then you
Will break down what little is left
Yeah, there's nothing more you can't ignore
And say it makes no difference to me

It makes no difference
It makes no difference to me
It makes no difference
It makes no difference to me