Cologne

A few weeks ago, I went out with someone who was very vocal in telling me that he liked me. He would constantly ask me how I was doing, how my day was turning out, and how I was feeling. He knew what I was going through, and fair enough, he was one of the people whom I believed would understand what was happening to me. I sincerely trusted his words of encouragement, to the point that I relied on him for support.

But I was afraid. I wasn't ready. I honestly didn't know if I liked him for being that way, or because of the fact that I was going through something painful and didn't want to be lonely. With his honesty in mind, I gathered enough courage to tell him that I wasn't so sure of what I felt for him. He gave me some time and space to consider what I was really feeling, but it came to the point wherein he just couldn't bare it any longer.

I was too selfish for my own good. I told him that I wanted to think of my own happiness first before others, and that I believed that during that time, being alone was the right thing to do. It didn't exactly bring me happiness, but it brought me happiness contained in the fact that I was doing what I believed to be the correct step forward. In a very civil and composed manner, he told me everything that I did or did not do that brought about him pain, and that it was better to forget about each other.

At first, I didn't want to let go. However, I thought that he didn't deserve to be chained down, waiting for a future that was uncertain. Telling him that I understood why he felt that way, I asked him if he'll accept my apology for a chance for him to be my friend. I really wanted him to be a good friend because of his very kind and honest heart, but he said he wasn't sure.

I felt so ashamed of myself.

A few weeks have passed, and I learned that he now has a boyfriend. I was not surprised because of that, but what bewildered me was how I felt when I learned about it. It was a mix of four strong emotions that had a crude blend. The result was something unpleasant, but I managed to fight it off and tell myself that at least, he will forget about me.

The thing I regret doing was me taking him for granted. Yes, I was going through a lot, but it was not enough an excuse to take someone important for granted. I just sort of believed that he would understand me as he underwent the same things that I went through, and that was wrong. In the end, I only caused him pain, which was something he didn't deserve at all.

Until now, I am still uncertain about my feelings for him. But now, I have no more reason to think about it. Going back to the happier times, I asked him what was the cologne he wore when we went out. He wouldn't tell, and said that he'll give me some as a gift since I really liked it. As I was doing my groceries yesterday, I curiously picked up a bottle of cologne and tried it out -- it was his. Putting the small bottle in my basket, I wondered if my decision some weeks ago was the right thing.

It was. Painful as it may have been, but it was.