Alone

When I told my mom about being gay, she was worried for me above all things. She wasn't angry at me for being so, but she was troubled because she feared that I will grow to be a lonely person despite my cheerful disposition, since a lot of discreet gays end up being such. That night, I reassured her that she did not have to worry, because I chose to be gay and I wanted to stand by my decision. In my head, I said to myself that I am used to being alone anyway.

She was right. For the past few days, I've been in this limbo of being happy and being lonely. A part of me wants to find someone to share my life with, but a better part of me is content with what I am. Probably deep inside, I am still afraid of a relationship because of what became of my previous one.

I know I can do this. I am no longer the insecure boy who desperately tried to find security from a stranger. I now find strength within me. For now, that is enough for me to carry on, even if I am alone.

Project Kratos: Back to Start

Seven workouts in my new gym, I pulled a muscle in my groin due to squats, and strained my left wrist due to the bench. Both are getting better, but these injuries rocked my view on how I was performing under the bar.

Coach Oscar has told me twice on different days that I was doing some lifts with improper technique, na sayang ang buhat. True enough, I never felt the soreness I felt the first time I lifted. I asked him what the proper way was, but the problem was that what he taught me wasn't exactly the lifts I'm following. With that, I decided to deload all the weight I'm working on the next time I hit the gym to practice solely on technique. It is disappointing, since I am looking forward to a deadlift of 130lbs, but it's better this way: a crippling injury would be far more regretful rather that going back to start to improve my form.

Writing this now, I found that tt was the typical me: jumping straight into the heat of the battle without pausing to look at how things were faring.