HAPPINESS IS A DELUSION OF YOURSELF.
How can you be happy if you know that you won't be in the future? Happiness is just a drug to go to a nice world full of fake realities. Upon entering the state of happiness, you are blinding yourself from the truth of this harsh society. Happiness may be the saddest thing in the whole colorful world of emotions. How come? Being happy is a very selfish act. I mean, how can someone be happy if the people around him/her isn't? In my experience, happiness cannot be created. In order to feel happy, you must make someone sad. See how wrong happiness is? When you are happy, you are an agent of the vicious cycle of happiness. And sometimes, a defeat hurts more after a period of extreme happiness. It really, really does.
Being happy forever isn't possible.
Being content is enough.
But being content is like being happy.
But keep it to yourself.
This way the cycle loses a catalyst.
Zweihander, 'Ironies'
December 13, 2006
This is one of the reasons I try to keep a blog. Keeping track of myself through writing makes me see how little or how much I have changed as a person.
I no longer believe what I said almost six years ago. True, being content is enough, but being content isn't the same as being happy. Being content brings a much more profound sense of peace. Happiness can be a mask to hide sad lies, but nothing can replace the feeling of being content. It is a freedom from the yearning to be always happy and fear of being miserably alone in solitude because deep down inside, I know that I can make it through.
Even though I have a lot of mistakes resting on my shoulders, I can now say that I believe in myself. And that is what matters most.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
(Happy) Birthday - 24
Yesterday, I turned 24. I wasn't excited about it.
My birthday this year probably had to be the worst I've ever had. But I have to reluctantly say that this particular birthday was one of the best as well.
Worst, simply because a lot of things happened that either broke my heart, or broke my heart even more. My birthday had a sad prologue of tears and heartbreaks which simply made me lose my will to love ever again. Everything that happened was just too much to bear that I had to throw in the towel.
The best in an unsure tone because I learned a lot. I really do mean a lot. I became a little stronger, and in my current situation, that is enough for me to be content. It's just disheartening that things had to end that way.
People wished me happiness in my birthday, but honestly, my birthday would be a sad one and would never, ever be complete.
My wish? For things to get better for everybody. I didn't wish for happiness because let's face it: I won't be completely happy no matter what happened. I just prayed that whatever obstacles I encounter, I'd have the strength to carry on with life.
But seriously, I just hope things get much, much better when I turn 25.
Pumpkin, I patiently waited for your pasabog today even if I knew it wasn't coming. Tanga no? Naisip ko kung naalala mo bang birthday ko ngayon, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Sana maayos ka na dyan sa Canada. I miss you so much. Hindi lumilipas ang araw na hindi kita naiisip. Just give me time na makamove on. It's hard, but I'll forget my feelings for you when the time comes. Like I said, I will never forget you. I love you.
My birthday this year probably had to be the worst I've ever had. But I have to reluctantly say that this particular birthday was one of the best as well.
Worst, simply because a lot of things happened that either broke my heart, or broke my heart even more. My birthday had a sad prologue of tears and heartbreaks which simply made me lose my will to love ever again. Everything that happened was just too much to bear that I had to throw in the towel.
The best in an unsure tone because I learned a lot. I really do mean a lot. I became a little stronger, and in my current situation, that is enough for me to be content. It's just disheartening that things had to end that way.
People wished me happiness in my birthday, but honestly, my birthday would be a sad one and would never, ever be complete.
My wish? For things to get better for everybody. I didn't wish for happiness because let's face it: I won't be completely happy no matter what happened. I just prayed that whatever obstacles I encounter, I'd have the strength to carry on with life.
But seriously, I just hope things get much, much better when I turn 25.
Pumpkin, I patiently waited for your pasabog today even if I knew it wasn't coming. Tanga no? Naisip ko kung naalala mo bang birthday ko ngayon, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Sana maayos ka na dyan sa Canada. I miss you so much. Hindi lumilipas ang araw na hindi kita naiisip. Just give me time na makamove on. It's hard, but I'll forget my feelings for you when the time comes. Like I said, I will never forget you. I love you.
Truth (Part Three)
This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of
sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for
the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my
posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these
will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you,
dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do
yourself a favor and close this tab.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
My ex dropped me a line last Friday:
The first few words that immediately popped into my mind was and fuck you too. Sana hinayaan mo na lang talaga ako, pakialamero. We've been through this for at least four times, sans the pakialamero part. I always felt a strong sense of compassion sweep inside me every time we had this conversation, but last Friday was different. I'd admit I still felt some soft feelings inside me, but I forced myself to wear a poker face, shrug indifferently, and harden my calloused heart.
See? Until the end, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was still quite worried about him. He's at his weakest and needs help, but that help would not be coming from me.
And to think that my ex doubted me that I loved him to the point that I doubted even myself. But after all that happened, I'd just swallow what was once my true feelings and tell myself that I never really loved him to begin with. It makes things far more easier and simpler. Why? I'm so broken right now that I cannot afford to have a strenuous emotional life: I'd implode from all the pressure and much unwanted stress and tension. Besides, I don't love him anymore. Rather, I'd love him to leave my life.
I don't regret anything that I went through, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to experience all the fuck and shit that has happened. Regret won't grant me anything but a desire for vengeance. I'd rather treasure all the bitter realities I've learned and experienced to build myself anew.
This time, I'm really leaving without you.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
My ex dropped me a line last Friday:
ayaw ko ng mag sorry kase paulit ulit na lang ,saka na lang siguro pag natama ko na yung mali ko sa sarili ko.
tinatanggap ko naman na naging obsess ako
pakialamero..sana hinayaan na lang kita
pero hanggang sana na lang yun kase nagawa ko
wala na akong magagawa dun kundi lumayo na lang sayo
thanks for everything !
alam mo naman pala eh bakit kinailangan mo pang gawin lahat ng ginawa mo?
sa susunod wag ka lang hanggang "sana"
gawin mo
first friday ngayon
nagmisa ako
nung pinikit ko mata ko para magdasal
tangina naluha ako
kunin mo na lahat ng gamit mo sa bahay
intindihin mo na ayaw na kitang makausap, di ko na sasabihin ang dahilan
alam mo na yun
hindi mo na kailangan magpaliwanag kasi bale wala na rin
alagaan mo na lang sarili mo palagi
kaya mo yan
salamat
goodbye
i'm sorry if i sound so mean
pero kailangan ko ito gawin
kailangan natin itong dalawa
See? Until the end, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was still quite worried about him. He's at his weakest and needs help, but that help would not be coming from me.
And to think that my ex doubted me that I loved him to the point that I doubted even myself. But after all that happened, I'd just swallow what was once my true feelings and tell myself that I never really loved him to begin with. It makes things far more easier and simpler. Why? I'm so broken right now that I cannot afford to have a strenuous emotional life: I'd implode from all the pressure and much unwanted stress and tension. Besides, I don't love him anymore. Rather, I'd love him to leave my life.
I don't regret anything that I went through, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to experience all the fuck and shit that has happened. Regret won't grant me anything but a desire for vengeance. I'd rather treasure all the bitter realities I've learned and experienced to build myself anew.
This time, I'm really leaving without you.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Truth (Part Two)
This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of
sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for
the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my
posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these
will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you,
dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do
yourself a favor and close this tab.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
Ano talaga ang dahilan?
Pakialamero siya kasi.
Everything would have been better if my ex minded his own life. I can't say if he found his life too dull and boring that he ended up always meddling with my life. I'm not saying this to insult him or start another fight (which would probably happen if he reads this, but I don't give no shit anymore). I am stating it now because that is what I see as the truth, and he needs to realize that that is the truth.
He always told me to tell the truth to my mom because his image was so destroyed when she had to step in between us in an extremely physical fight. He wanted me to tell to my mom everything naughty I did because apparently, those things were the cause of all his resentment and anger towards me. I thought to myself, why should I do that? Don't I have the right to live a part of my life in private?
At tama bang dapat raw magkasundo sila ng magiging boyfriend ko kasi raw kuya ko na raw siya ngayon? Ni tunay ko ngang kuya hindi ako pinapakailaman sa personal kong buhay, siya pa kayang kuya-kuyahan ko raw?
Go destroy the dreams and life of somebody else. You've already destroyed mine. And no, I didn't destroy no fucking dream of yours. You wrecked your own life and dreams because you allowed yourself to become such a horrible person. Hindi mo ba na-gets kung bakit gusto kong maayos yung problema natin? Uulitin ko, kasi sobrang miserable mo na, at alam mong hindi ko gustong ganyan ka. Kung anu-ano na ang ginagawa mong katarantaduhan. Para ano, mapansin kita? Nakuha mo na ang gusto mo kasi pansin na pansin na kita ngayon, kaya lubayan mo na ako. Tanginang buhay to.
But I think it's my fault for allowing him to be still part of my intimate life. I'd admit that we still had sex long after we broke up, but I clearly told him that sex was just sex. It was just a release of carnal desire, and it did not contain any romantic feelings. But probably that didn't work out for him. Maybe he still thought there was still something else going on, that the "buck fuddy" thing didn't work out for him. I'd like to say the shit I am now is all my fault, but who am I kidding? Probably own pathetic self.
Now that I've cut my connections with him, let's see what will happen. I've given too much fuck about him, and I think it's about time that I move on with my own life, preferably without him. Harsh as it may sound, I'd rather life a life full of shit rather than to be with him ever again. It's just he's caused me too much frustration, grief, and pain already -- and to think that he calls himself my "big brother"?
Shit.
I probably caused him so much unneeded frustration, grief, and pain as well, but it's his fault that he felt that way. He told me before that until now, he loved me very much. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't love that he was feeling, it was turning into a sick obsession. Why? Because if you really love a person, you'll let go so that the person you love would be happy -- a lot of people would attest to that. It's a painful sacrifice, but it is the correct and healthy choice. What did he do? He stalked me and destroyed possible relationships with two wonderful people that I could have been in. He wanted me to be still with him, out of either sheer selfishness or some other reason I no longer have interest in knowing, even if he clearly knew my happiness was no longer with him. I told him that I wanted to be good friends with him, but I was not willing to be his boyfriend ever again. Looking back at all the tears I held back and painfully shed because of him, I should have just let him leave our house as soon as I broke up with him. Honestly, I didn't do so because I was terribly afraid of what would happen to both of us, but looking at what has happened to us now, it was an unforgivable mistake. Both of us didn't deserve anything painful that has happened in the past year and a half.
I told my friend that no need to worry, I am coping up in my own way. She was worried because I told her that I felt so bitterly alone even if I knew that I wasn't. I manage by just looking forward to the time wherein I'd be thankful for everything that has happened because it made me as strong as I could possibly be.
I still believe that time will come.
Pumpkin, first day mo sa work ngayon. I know you are doing great, ikaw pa. I wrote three new goals today. Sa totoo lang, I shouldn't be thinking of you anymore, but I just can't help it. Promise, I'll forget you as soon as I can, hindi lang talaga ngayon. Hayaan mo lang muna akong manghinayang sa nasayang nating relationship. Ingat ka palagi, and always remember that I love you very much.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
Ano talaga ang dahilan?
Pakialamero siya kasi.
Everything would have been better if my ex minded his own life. I can't say if he found his life too dull and boring that he ended up always meddling with my life. I'm not saying this to insult him or start another fight (which would probably happen if he reads this, but I don't give no shit anymore). I am stating it now because that is what I see as the truth, and he needs to realize that that is the truth.
He always told me to tell the truth to my mom because his image was so destroyed when she had to step in between us in an extremely physical fight. He wanted me to tell to my mom everything naughty I did because apparently, those things were the cause of all his resentment and anger towards me. I thought to myself, why should I do that? Don't I have the right to live a part of my life in private?
At tama bang dapat raw magkasundo sila ng magiging boyfriend ko kasi raw kuya ko na raw siya ngayon? Ni tunay ko ngang kuya hindi ako pinapakailaman sa personal kong buhay, siya pa kayang kuya-kuyahan ko raw?
Go destroy the dreams and life of somebody else. You've already destroyed mine. And no, I didn't destroy no fucking dream of yours. You wrecked your own life and dreams because you allowed yourself to become such a horrible person. Hindi mo ba na-gets kung bakit gusto kong maayos yung problema natin? Uulitin ko, kasi sobrang miserable mo na, at alam mong hindi ko gustong ganyan ka. Kung anu-ano na ang ginagawa mong katarantaduhan. Para ano, mapansin kita? Nakuha mo na ang gusto mo kasi pansin na pansin na kita ngayon, kaya lubayan mo na ako. Tanginang buhay to.
But I think it's my fault for allowing him to be still part of my intimate life. I'd admit that we still had sex long after we broke up, but I clearly told him that sex was just sex. It was just a release of carnal desire, and it did not contain any romantic feelings. But probably that didn't work out for him. Maybe he still thought there was still something else going on, that the "buck fuddy" thing didn't work out for him. I'd like to say the shit I am now is all my fault, but who am I kidding? Probably own pathetic self.
Now that I've cut my connections with him, let's see what will happen. I've given too much fuck about him, and I think it's about time that I move on with my own life, preferably without him. Harsh as it may sound, I'd rather life a life full of shit rather than to be with him ever again. It's just he's caused me too much frustration, grief, and pain already -- and to think that he calls himself my "big brother"?
Shit.
I probably caused him so much unneeded frustration, grief, and pain as well, but it's his fault that he felt that way. He told me before that until now, he loved me very much. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't love that he was feeling, it was turning into a sick obsession. Why? Because if you really love a person, you'll let go so that the person you love would be happy -- a lot of people would attest to that. It's a painful sacrifice, but it is the correct and healthy choice. What did he do? He stalked me and destroyed possible relationships with two wonderful people that I could have been in. He wanted me to be still with him, out of either sheer selfishness or some other reason I no longer have interest in knowing, even if he clearly knew my happiness was no longer with him. I told him that I wanted to be good friends with him, but I was not willing to be his boyfriend ever again. Looking back at all the tears I held back and painfully shed because of him, I should have just let him leave our house as soon as I broke up with him. Honestly, I didn't do so because I was terribly afraid of what would happen to both of us, but looking at what has happened to us now, it was an unforgivable mistake. Both of us didn't deserve anything painful that has happened in the past year and a half.
I told my friend that no need to worry, I am coping up in my own way. She was worried because I told her that I felt so bitterly alone even if I knew that I wasn't. I manage by just looking forward to the time wherein I'd be thankful for everything that has happened because it made me as strong as I could possibly be.
I still believe that time will come.
Pumpkin, first day mo sa work ngayon. I know you are doing great, ikaw pa. I wrote three new goals today. Sa totoo lang, I shouldn't be thinking of you anymore, but I just can't help it. Promise, I'll forget you as soon as I can, hindi lang talaga ngayon. Hayaan mo lang muna akong manghinayang sa nasayang nating relationship. Ingat ka palagi, and always remember that I love you very much.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Truth (Part One)
This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you, dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do yourself a favor and close this tab.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
The context: very very bad misunderstanding between me, my ex, and my "boyfriend" who is now in Canada. Ex being having broken up since December 2010 from a one and a half year relationship. "Boyfriend" in quotes since neither of us asked the other if he'll be one, but we have already told each other our feelings for one another. And I'm gay.
I received a text message from my ex:
Sana kung magkikwento k
The problem is I never lied. Cross my heart, hope to die. I'm swearing in God's name that I didn't lie even if it's a horrible thing to do. I am that sincere I didn't lie. Everything was just a big swab of fucked-up misunderstandings. I'm so sick of not knowing what to think, since apparently every time I open my stupid mouth, a whole lot of fuck happens. And I'm not so sure if that's supposed to happen. I feel so ignorant, or maybe even controlled. Fuck you, intelligent and free world.
And yeah, I hate it when you substitute mo to u when texting. I'm pathetic, since even the littlest and most trivial of things I can no longer take. I read this as sabihin you kung bakit tayo nag-away at sabihin you kung ano talaga ang dahilan. Hilarious.
i told the truth. van either
misunderstood or told a lie.
i'm sorry if it counts. but it
doesn't matter now. van cut
whatever relationship we have.
just pay your dues to ma and me.
don't text me again. thanks.
The (non-verbatim) text message I sent in reply a few hours ago. I should have sent that message (or at least the last two sentences excluding 'thanks' part) a year and a half ago, but nonetheless, this is the start of picking up the pieces of what I have left. If I only had the balls to tell my ex that it's over, so go leave the house since we know the you still living here scheme isn't happening, everything would be at least better. But no. I just told him that it's over, but you can still stay here dahil may pinagsamahan tayo. I was too kindhearted and naive, him being my first boyfriend. If I steeled through and gave him the boot to the ass, our wounds would have long healed by now. Maybe both of us are happy with each others' lives. But no. The past year and a half was nothing but a big swash of lies. Lies to myself, lies to other people, lies to the whole fucking humankind. Lies that did nothing but to make the wounds of breaking up only worse.
May pinagsamahan tayo. I can't believe I still thought that way even if he told me that I destroyed his fucking dreams. Sinira mo ang mga pangarap ko, he said. I honestly got deeply hurt when he said that to my face, but I didn't fucking weep. That was not a lie, isn't it? Maybe it was. Lies, sweet lies.
I understand Sweetie, I won't insist... I just wanna thank you for everything sa mga pagsakay sa mga kalokohan ko at dun sa konting love na binigay mo! Hindi rin kita makakalimutan and sorry din if I put you in the situation kung nasaan ka ngayon. For the last time, I love you... Goodbye!
Don't worry, I will remove everything that links us both after this....
Ironically, I'm worried he'll remove everything that linked us both. This is probably the last message I'll ever get from my "boyfriend". I cried after reading this. I felt so heartbroken that I cried. I can't hide my feelings to myself anymore. But I had it coming. Who in their sane mind would fall in love with someone who's leaving the country in two weeks? I didn't want to let go, because I already loved him. I honestly believed that we could work things out, but let's face it, it isn't happening. I am not a part of his dreams, Canada is, and I completely understand why.
And no, it wasn't konting love, damn it. I really loved him, but I was afraid since I knew there would be a time that I'll need to let go. Like I said, I'm not a part of his dreams.
I love you, pumpkin. But yeah, let's face it: you'll never be around to feel that, but at least I know that that isn't a lie. I love you, that's why I'm saying goodbye as well. It's painful as hell, but time can heal even the deepest of pains. You have a new life ahead of you, and I don't want to be in the way dahil baka sirain ko rin ang mga pangarap mo. We wouldn't want that now, do we? Good.
But really now, do take care pumpkin. I'll take the leisure in writing this nonsense since you won't be able to read this anyway. I know you know that I love you. I'll still wait for the pasabog you promised on my birthday, even if it isn't coming. I'll still wait for March to come, since you said you'll take me to Cebu, even if I know you'll go there without me. I love you, and take care always. Allergic ka pa naman sa lamig, eh ang lamig lamig dyan sa Canada. Sayang, wala akong copy ng picture natin together, ang pogi ko pa naman dun at bagay na bagay tayong dalawa. Miss na kita, at naiiyak na akong isiping hindi na kita makikita o makakausap man lang ulit. At oo, magpapasabog pa rin ako sa March kahit hindi mo na yun makikita, promise. I'll always set goals like you do to put some direction in my at-the-moment life.
I love you.
Hay.
Moving on, I took pride in myself that I never blamed anyone for the things that happened, no matter how screwed or fucked up they were. That was a terrible, seething lie. Now, I blame myself, and deep down inside, I blame my ex for everything bad that happened to my romantic life after I met him. Sinira ko mga pangarap mo? Well, sinira mo na rin ang mga pangarap ko. Sana masaya ka na para lubayan mo na ako, tangina. Gets ko naman kung bakit ayaw mo akong makipagsex sa iba, kasi delikado, baka magkasakit. Alam ko yun, salamat, pero bakit pati mga taong nagugustuhan ko? Bakit kailangan mong gawin yun? Akala ko gusto mo ako magkaroon ng boyfriend kasi natatakot ka na hindi na ako magkaroon ng boyfriend ulit dahil sa kinahinatnan ng relationship natin?
Stupidly enough, I ask these questions even if I have no intent of knowing the answer. Not that I don't like to, but because let's face it: it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And I'll just have a relationship with my right hand. Kung basted, edi sa kaliwa.
I'm not the person who'd say such horrible words. Think, yes, but say, no. Why am I saying them now? Wala lang, for a change. I've always tried to avoid conflict with my ex, but I always ended up starting them. I was always the one flaring up and barging in with a raised tone. Why? Because I always got frustrated about our situation. Wala kasing nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam kung ano talaga ang problema: ako, siya, o kaming dalawa.
And (apparently) on all counts of our 'disagreements', he always told me that I was a bastard liar. Well, probably it's true, because he fucking knows everything about the things I did or the people I met. You know, things that he or even my mother is not supposed to know? I feel dumb that apparently, I am at amiss how the world operates the word privacy.
"Ma, I'm calling to tell you that I'll be home late kasi I just had a romp with a man old enough to be my father at 15th Avenue here at Cubao. No fucking, delikado yun eh. Just some mutual sucking and jerking and some sweet intracrural. Ang laki ng titi niya! Oh yeah, bakla ako. You knew? Fucking fantastic. Ok see you later, love you lots bye."
No? I thought so.
But it's my fault that I do not delete messages in my inbox or change all passwords every half hour that passes. That's why in the first place, he knows everything I did. I'm not careful enough. Blame me. Please blame me.
Privacy and crime are two different things, right? How come I feel as if I'm being punished for doing things in my own, private life? I mean, having some sexytime with a person you've just met (which you should not do) is well, bad, but it's not like I ransacked a bank for a million bucks, right?
The way things I'm seeing it, several things can be happening here:
A) I do not have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol?
B) My ex does not know I have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol in his eyes?
C) My ex does not know how privacy operates. Not reading others' phone inbox or hacking emails and social networking accounts is a start.
D) Let's keep it general. It's a misunderstanding.
I'll bet my balls on the last one. But to place some effort in answering the question kung ano talaga ang dahilan, I'll say that it's him getting frustrated that I do not tell everyone about the vulgar and horrible things I do, you know, things that fall under the word privacy. He gets the shitty grits of a bad rep because he does all these stupid things just to make me spill my beans. I'm running on pure speculation here folks, but my guess is that he thinks I don't know what I'm doing in my life. What am I, a damned three year old?
I'll admit I'm exaggerating things here. But simply put, his point is that what I'm doing is wrong. My point is that he's not even supposed to know that thing I was doing, not on the grounds of I'm hiding dirty secrets from him, but just on the fact that I have a private life. His point: concern perhaps? My point: tangina bakit ka nanghihimasok sa buhay ko? Hindi naman ako pariwara at alam ko naman ang ginagawa ko. Sarili kong ngang nanay at tatay hindi ako pinapakialaman, hindi dahil wala silang pakialam, dahil alam nilang alam ko ang ginagawa ko at nirerespeto nila ang mga desisyon ko. He cares way too much, as if he's like an overprotective boyfriend, which is actually quite good. As a friend, I really do care, but as a boyfriend, I don't fucking give a damn anymore well since, matagal nang hindi kami.
I'd totally understand everything if we were in a romantic relationship together since partners need to be transparent to one anoth...oh.
Just shoot me in the head so it's all over. Do it as an act of mercy.
I know he has his reasons, and I won't force him to tell me if he doesn't want to. You know, privacy? Maybe my ex is right that I am shit clueless on what I'm doing, but there's one thing I know: I want him out of my life. I am sincerely sad that it has come to this, but I've been sad way too long. What's running in my mind is that a little bit more sadness won't hurt anymore if I can be given the chance to be happy afterwards. I'm clinging on the chance to be happy. I'm that desperate.
This post was all but vulgar rage accentuated with crisp expletives. Promise, I'll post something more levelheaded. Kaya nga part one ito eh.
Bakla ako. At kung hindi mo alam, bakla ka rin kasi pumatol ka sakin. Pero ako, hindi pailalim kung tumira. Kasi gawain lang ng bakla yun.
Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
---
The context: very very bad misunderstanding between me, my ex, and my "boyfriend" who is now in Canada. Ex being having broken up since December 2010 from a one and a half year relationship. "Boyfriend" in quotes since neither of us asked the other if he'll be one, but we have already told each other our feelings for one another. And I'm gay.
I received a text message from my ex:
Sana kung magkikwento k
sa iba ung t0t0o.tnx!
sbhn u kung bkt tau nag away
at sbhn u kung anu talaga
ang dahilan.
The problem is I never lied. Cross my heart, hope to die. I'm swearing in God's name that I didn't lie even if it's a horrible thing to do. I am that sincere I didn't lie. Everything was just a big swab of fucked-up misunderstandings. I'm so sick of not knowing what to think, since apparently every time I open my stupid mouth, a whole lot of fuck happens. And I'm not so sure if that's supposed to happen. I feel so ignorant, or maybe even controlled. Fuck you, intelligent and free world.
And yeah, I hate it when you substitute mo to u when texting. I'm pathetic, since even the littlest and most trivial of things I can no longer take. I read this as sabihin you kung bakit tayo nag-away at sabihin you kung ano talaga ang dahilan. Hilarious.
i told the truth. van either
misunderstood or told a lie.
i'm sorry if it counts. but it
doesn't matter now. van cut
whatever relationship we have.
just pay your dues to ma and me.
don't text me again. thanks.
The (non-verbatim) text message I sent in reply a few hours ago. I should have sent that message (or at least the last two sentences excluding 'thanks' part) a year and a half ago, but nonetheless, this is the start of picking up the pieces of what I have left. If I only had the balls to tell my ex that it's over, so go leave the house since we know the you still living here scheme isn't happening, everything would be at least better. But no. I just told him that it's over, but you can still stay here dahil may pinagsamahan tayo. I was too kindhearted and naive, him being my first boyfriend. If I steeled through and gave him the boot to the ass, our wounds would have long healed by now. Maybe both of us are happy with each others' lives. But no. The past year and a half was nothing but a big swash of lies. Lies to myself, lies to other people, lies to the whole fucking humankind. Lies that did nothing but to make the wounds of breaking up only worse.
May pinagsamahan tayo. I can't believe I still thought that way even if he told me that I destroyed his fucking dreams. Sinira mo ang mga pangarap ko, he said. I honestly got deeply hurt when he said that to my face, but I didn't fucking weep. That was not a lie, isn't it? Maybe it was. Lies, sweet lies.
I understand Sweetie, I won't insist... I just wanna thank you for everything sa mga pagsakay sa mga kalokohan ko at dun sa konting love na binigay mo! Hindi rin kita makakalimutan and sorry din if I put you in the situation kung nasaan ka ngayon. For the last time, I love you... Goodbye!
Don't worry, I will remove everything that links us both after this....
Ironically, I'm worried he'll remove everything that linked us both. This is probably the last message I'll ever get from my "boyfriend". I cried after reading this. I felt so heartbroken that I cried. I can't hide my feelings to myself anymore. But I had it coming. Who in their sane mind would fall in love with someone who's leaving the country in two weeks? I didn't want to let go, because I already loved him. I honestly believed that we could work things out, but let's face it, it isn't happening. I am not a part of his dreams, Canada is, and I completely understand why.
And no, it wasn't konting love, damn it. I really loved him, but I was afraid since I knew there would be a time that I'll need to let go. Like I said, I'm not a part of his dreams.
I love you, pumpkin. But yeah, let's face it: you'll never be around to feel that, but at least I know that that isn't a lie. I love you, that's why I'm saying goodbye as well. It's painful as hell, but time can heal even the deepest of pains. You have a new life ahead of you, and I don't want to be in the way dahil baka sirain ko rin ang mga pangarap mo. We wouldn't want that now, do we? Good.
But really now, do take care pumpkin. I'll take the leisure in writing this nonsense since you won't be able to read this anyway. I know you know that I love you. I'll still wait for the pasabog you promised on my birthday, even if it isn't coming. I'll still wait for March to come, since you said you'll take me to Cebu, even if I know you'll go there without me. I love you, and take care always. Allergic ka pa naman sa lamig, eh ang lamig lamig dyan sa Canada. Sayang, wala akong copy ng picture natin together, ang pogi ko pa naman dun at bagay na bagay tayong dalawa. Miss na kita, at naiiyak na akong isiping hindi na kita makikita o makakausap man lang ulit. At oo, magpapasabog pa rin ako sa March kahit hindi mo na yun makikita, promise. I'll always set goals like you do to put some direction in my at-the-moment life.
I love you.
Hay.
Moving on, I took pride in myself that I never blamed anyone for the things that happened, no matter how screwed or fucked up they were. That was a terrible, seething lie. Now, I blame myself, and deep down inside, I blame my ex for everything bad that happened to my romantic life after I met him. Sinira ko mga pangarap mo? Well, sinira mo na rin ang mga pangarap ko. Sana masaya ka na para lubayan mo na ako, tangina. Gets ko naman kung bakit ayaw mo akong makipagsex sa iba, kasi delikado, baka magkasakit. Alam ko yun, salamat, pero bakit pati mga taong nagugustuhan ko? Bakit kailangan mong gawin yun? Akala ko gusto mo ako magkaroon ng boyfriend kasi natatakot ka na hindi na ako magkaroon ng boyfriend ulit dahil sa kinahinatnan ng relationship natin?
Stupidly enough, I ask these questions even if I have no intent of knowing the answer. Not that I don't like to, but because let's face it: it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And I'll just have a relationship with my right hand. Kung basted, edi sa kaliwa.
I'm not the person who'd say such horrible words. Think, yes, but say, no. Why am I saying them now? Wala lang, for a change. I've always tried to avoid conflict with my ex, but I always ended up starting them. I was always the one flaring up and barging in with a raised tone. Why? Because I always got frustrated about our situation. Wala kasing nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam kung ano talaga ang problema: ako, siya, o kaming dalawa.
And (apparently) on all counts of our 'disagreements', he always told me that I was a bastard liar. Well, probably it's true, because he fucking knows everything about the things I did or the people I met. You know, things that he or even my mother is not supposed to know? I feel dumb that apparently, I am at amiss how the world operates the word privacy.
"Ma, I'm calling to tell you that I'll be home late kasi I just had a romp with a man old enough to be my father at 15th Avenue here at Cubao. No fucking, delikado yun eh. Just some mutual sucking and jerking and some sweet intracrural. Ang laki ng titi niya! Oh yeah, bakla ako. You knew? Fucking fantastic. Ok see you later, love you lots bye."
No? I thought so.
But it's my fault that I do not delete messages in my inbox or change all passwords every half hour that passes. That's why in the first place, he knows everything I did. I'm not careful enough. Blame me. Please blame me.
Privacy and crime are two different things, right? How come I feel as if I'm being punished for doing things in my own, private life? I mean, having some sexytime with a person you've just met (which you should not do) is well, bad, but it's not like I ransacked a bank for a million bucks, right?
The way things I'm seeing it, several things can be happening here:
A) I do not have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol?
B) My ex does not know I have the right to privacy. Does that make me a matinee idol in his eyes?
C) My ex does not know how privacy operates. Not reading others' phone inbox or hacking emails and social networking accounts is a start.
D) Let's keep it general. It's a misunderstanding.
I'll bet my balls on the last one. But to place some effort in answering the question kung ano talaga ang dahilan, I'll say that it's him getting frustrated that I do not tell everyone about the vulgar and horrible things I do, you know, things that fall under the word privacy. He gets the shitty grits of a bad rep because he does all these stupid things just to make me spill my beans. I'm running on pure speculation here folks, but my guess is that he thinks I don't know what I'm doing in my life. What am I, a damned three year old?
I'll admit I'm exaggerating things here. But simply put, his point is that what I'm doing is wrong. My point is that he's not even supposed to know that thing I was doing, not on the grounds of I'm hiding dirty secrets from him, but just on the fact that I have a private life. His point: concern perhaps? My point: tangina bakit ka nanghihimasok sa buhay ko? Hindi naman ako pariwara at alam ko naman ang ginagawa ko. Sarili kong ngang nanay at tatay hindi ako pinapakialaman, hindi dahil wala silang pakialam, dahil alam nilang alam ko ang ginagawa ko at nirerespeto nila ang mga desisyon ko. He cares way too much, as if he's like an overprotective boyfriend, which is actually quite good. As a friend, I really do care, but as a boyfriend, I don't fucking give a damn anymore well since, matagal nang hindi kami.
I'd totally understand everything if we were in a romantic relationship together since partners need to be transparent to one anoth...oh.
Just shoot me in the head so it's all over. Do it as an act of mercy.
I know he has his reasons, and I won't force him to tell me if he doesn't want to. You know, privacy? Maybe my ex is right that I am shit clueless on what I'm doing, but there's one thing I know: I want him out of my life. I am sincerely sad that it has come to this, but I've been sad way too long. What's running in my mind is that a little bit more sadness won't hurt anymore if I can be given the chance to be happy afterwards. I'm clinging on the chance to be happy. I'm that desperate.
This post was all but vulgar rage accentuated with crisp expletives. Promise, I'll post something more levelheaded. Kaya nga part one ito eh.
Bakla ako. At kung hindi mo alam, bakla ka rin kasi pumatol ka sakin. Pero ako, hindi pailalim kung tumira. Kasi gawain lang ng bakla yun.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Stats (File 12)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 154lb 10oz / 70.2kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.5kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 121 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 73 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.6%
Fat Mass: 17lb 13oz / 8.1kg
Free Fat Mass: 136lb 12oz / 62.1kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 104 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 125 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 55 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 154lb 10oz / 70.2kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.5kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 121 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 73 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.6%
Fat Mass: 17lb 13oz / 8.1kg
Free Fat Mass: 136lb 12oz / 62.1kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 104 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 125 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 55 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Burning Out: Floor (Part Twenty-Four)
After our very hectic schedule for the past few months, we have finally reached calmer waters. Most of us are now assigned to fix whatever defects our program has. Deadlines still need to be met, but the pressure on our part is way much easier for us to be able to go home like people working in the standard nine to six shift. We were overjoyed that our onsite coordinators let us enjoy the long and much anticipated holiday weekend, as we were skeptical since they had the authority to force us to go to work instead.
Two days after the long weekend away from work, I realized how nice the outside world was. I buried myself under a ton of work that I have forgotten how to live a life, as the saying goes. I kept choosing the most difficult of tasks so that I had a reason to stay cooped up on my station till the break of daylight not primarily because that I want to challenge myself career-wise, but forget whatever problems I had outside the four corners of our office.
I just burned myself out. Not that I have lost my motivation to go to work. It's just that I don't want to stay at the office working my eyebrows off. Part of it being me losing a lot of hard-gained weight, and part of it being me wanting to break away from the shackles constantly binding and slowing me down.
Two days after the long weekend away from work, I realized how nice the outside world was. I buried myself under a ton of work that I have forgotten how to live a life, as the saying goes. I kept choosing the most difficult of tasks so that I had a reason to stay cooped up on my station till the break of daylight not primarily because that I want to challenge myself career-wise, but forget whatever problems I had outside the four corners of our office.
I just burned myself out. Not that I have lost my motivation to go to work. It's just that I don't want to stay at the office working my eyebrows off. Part of it being me losing a lot of hard-gained weight, and part of it being me wanting to break away from the shackles constantly binding and slowing me down.
One Step at a Time
"You know, you totally destroyed my dreams."
I'm taking my life back, one step at a time. I'll move forward and leave the people who wallow in despair and regret behind. I'll once again live my life, one meaningful day after the next.
"If you're no longer happy, then it's time let go. The pain will be worth it."
I'm taking my life back, one step at a time. I'll move forward and leave the people who wallow in despair and regret behind. I'll once again live my life, one meaningful day after the next.
"If you're no longer happy, then it's time let go. The pain will be worth it."
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Stats (File 11)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 15oz / 70.8kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.7kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 137 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 71 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.8%
Fat Mass: 178b 4oz / 8.3kg
Free Fat Mass: 137lb 10oz / 62.5kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 107 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 125 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 89 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 15oz / 70.8kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.7kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 137 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 71 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.8%
Fat Mass: 178b 4oz / 8.3kg
Free Fat Mass: 137lb 10oz / 62.5kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 107 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 125 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 89 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Friday, March 23, 2012
Stats (File 10)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 15oz / 70.8kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 126 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 71 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.1%
Fat Mass: 17lb 2oz / 7.8kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 12oz / 63.0kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 84 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 90 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 82 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 15oz / 70.8kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 126 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 71 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.1%
Fat Mass: 17lb 2oz / 7.8kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 12oz / 63.0kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 84 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 90 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 82 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Three-Day Mindanao Escape: Iligan and Cagayan de Oro (Part Four)
After eating a quick breakfast at Victoria Suites, our driver arrived and picked us up at four thirty in the morning. We took the still dark highway to the west towards Iligan, Lanao del Norte. Sleepy, our group once again fell asleep on the way. We only woke up to the endless shaking of our van as we took the rocky path towards one of the best places I've seen in the country: the pristine Tinago Falls.
With our guide, Kuya Jonathan, we descended the steep four hundred steps downwards the falls. After a few minutes, we finally arrived at the bottom, and we were all astounded by the color of the water: it was an unreal turquoise blue. The cold air made by the falls made me shiver with anticipation. We donned our life vests and took a balsa towards the falls. The water was very different: it was clean and fresh. I scaled a rock face about twenty or so feet high and jumped down. I was frightened, but the feeling of falling down in a seemingly endless plummet was one of the experiences I'll never forget. The wind rushing on my face until the splashing of the beautiful waters deafening my ears was something I want to do all over again. After listening to the stories of Kuya Jonathan while on the raft, we decided to leave the magnificent falls since we were pressed for time. With places still to set foot to, we tried ourselves against the challenge of the four hundred steep steps uphill. Our knees and legs creaked and groaned every step, but the experience of Tinago Falls served as a source of strength. After reaching the top, we said our thanks and bade goodbye to Kuya Jonathan, before starting to head back to Cagayan de Oro.
We took a short sidetrip to the Macapagal-Macaraeg Ancestral House, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's heritage home. There, we learned a little about history thanks to the very friendly and courteous staff who took care of the place. After that, we went to the country's highest waterfalls, Talon ng Maria Cristina, since it was just a short drive away. Situated inside a nature park in Lanao del Norte's biggest hydroelectic power plant, it is dubbed as the "Twin Waterfalls" since a rocky protrusion on the edge of the falls splits the water into two mighty currents. It was unfortunate that we were unable to see the falls in its full glory, since it was only during weekends when both segments of the falls are opened. Two hours on the road, we arrived back at Cagayan de Oro for our final adventure in the trip: the adrenaline-pumping white water rafting.
We transferred to a jeep and headed to the starting point of our adventure on the great rapids. After a hearty lunch and a few pointers from our raft guide, Kuya Bambam, we boarded our raft and started our adventure down Cagayan de Oro's river. We passed through numerous rapids, from simplest to the craziest ones. We paddled and steered our raft under the command of Kuya Bambam. After successfully conquering a leg of rapids, we raised our paddles high and shouted our cries of victory and relief. After almost four hours of white water rafting adventure, we arrived at the endpoint. At that time, it was the end of our adventure, so we dried ourselves and prepared for our return back home. Kuya Bambam gave us a lift back to Lumbia Airport, which was a convenient fifteen minute drive from the rafting adventure's endpoint. We said thanks and bade farewell, before entering the airport to board our plane back to Manila. After an uneventful wait for our delayed flight home, we boarded the plane at around nine in the evening, and shortly took off bound for Ninoy Aquino International Airport. At eleven in the evening, our plane made its final turn and landed safely and soundly at Manila.
The three days I spent in Mindanao was a tiring one. More than half of the time, we were on the road or on sea, traveling to our next destination. But all the sights we saw, people we met, and experiences we gained was definitely worth all the time and effort. This was my first time to travel somewhere far from where I grew up, and it made me see the glimpse on how exciting it is to embark on a journey to travel across new places.
With our guide, Kuya Jonathan, we descended the steep four hundred steps downwards the falls. After a few minutes, we finally arrived at the bottom, and we were all astounded by the color of the water: it was an unreal turquoise blue. The cold air made by the falls made me shiver with anticipation. We donned our life vests and took a balsa towards the falls. The water was very different: it was clean and fresh. I scaled a rock face about twenty or so feet high and jumped down. I was frightened, but the feeling of falling down in a seemingly endless plummet was one of the experiences I'll never forget. The wind rushing on my face until the splashing of the beautiful waters deafening my ears was something I want to do all over again. After listening to the stories of Kuya Jonathan while on the raft, we decided to leave the magnificent falls since we were pressed for time. With places still to set foot to, we tried ourselves against the challenge of the four hundred steep steps uphill. Our knees and legs creaked and groaned every step, but the experience of Tinago Falls served as a source of strength. After reaching the top, we said our thanks and bade goodbye to Kuya Jonathan, before starting to head back to Cagayan de Oro.
We took a short sidetrip to the Macapagal-Macaraeg Ancestral House, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's heritage home. There, we learned a little about history thanks to the very friendly and courteous staff who took care of the place. After that, we went to the country's highest waterfalls, Talon ng Maria Cristina, since it was just a short drive away. Situated inside a nature park in Lanao del Norte's biggest hydroelectic power plant, it is dubbed as the "Twin Waterfalls" since a rocky protrusion on the edge of the falls splits the water into two mighty currents. It was unfortunate that we were unable to see the falls in its full glory, since it was only during weekends when both segments of the falls are opened. Two hours on the road, we arrived back at Cagayan de Oro for our final adventure in the trip: the adrenaline-pumping white water rafting.
We transferred to a jeep and headed to the starting point of our adventure on the great rapids. After a hearty lunch and a few pointers from our raft guide, Kuya Bambam, we boarded our raft and started our adventure down Cagayan de Oro's river. We passed through numerous rapids, from simplest to the craziest ones. We paddled and steered our raft under the command of Kuya Bambam. After successfully conquering a leg of rapids, we raised our paddles high and shouted our cries of victory and relief. After almost four hours of white water rafting adventure, we arrived at the endpoint. At that time, it was the end of our adventure, so we dried ourselves and prepared for our return back home. Kuya Bambam gave us a lift back to Lumbia Airport, which was a convenient fifteen minute drive from the rafting adventure's endpoint. We said thanks and bade farewell, before entering the airport to board our plane back to Manila. After an uneventful wait for our delayed flight home, we boarded the plane at around nine in the evening, and shortly took off bound for Ninoy Aquino International Airport. At eleven in the evening, our plane made its final turn and landed safely and soundly at Manila.
The three days I spent in Mindanao was a tiring one. More than half of the time, we were on the road or on sea, traveling to our next destination. But all the sights we saw, people we met, and experiences we gained was definitely worth all the time and effort. This was my first time to travel somewhere far from where I grew up, and it made me see the glimpse on how exciting it is to embark on a journey to travel across new places.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Three-Day Mindanao Escape: Bukidnon (Part Three)
Still hungover with the natural beauty of Camiguin, our group pushed forward to Bukidnon. We traversed the roads we passed the day before, which made the scenery more familiar than before. With the tiresome yet fun day that passed, most of us fell asleep during the ride to Bukidnon. After a few minutes of getting into the van, I fell asleep and was wakened by the door of the van being opened. One of my friends needed to withdraw some cash, so as soon as we reached the city proper of Cagayan de Oro, we pulled over on a machine for her to get some money. ATM machines were like little luxuries there, since there were so few of them. After around ten minutes, we left and started to climb the sloping roads going uphill.
Our guide informed us that to reach Bukidnon, we had to cross several mountains. The trip was a process of waiting in a complete stop for ten minutes of more, then moving forward on very rocky and bumpy terrain. Our guide mentioned that the destroyed mountain road was an effect of Sendong, the typhoon that devastated Misamis Oriental, more specifically, the City of Cagayan de Oro. After the road smoothed out, we found ourselves sleepy once again, and after a period of time elapsed, we were already in Camp Phillips, municipality of Manolo Fortich, Bukidnon. There, we quickly hopped off our van to take some pictures of the giant pineapple that decorated the road. Beyond the orderly Camp Phillips was the seemingly endless fields of pineapples of Del Monte Plantation. There were pineapples almost as far as the eye can see, and the air there had a sweet and pleasant smell to it. It wasn't long before we reached our destination, Dahilayan Adventure and Forest Park.
It was very cold at Dahilayan. The feel was like we were in the far north in Baguio City. However, sweet pineapples replaced the fresh strawberries and adrenaline-pumping zipline rides took over the tranquil horseback strolls. After arriving, we quickly ate our breakfast from Paras and immediately purchased our passes to ride the three ziplines there. The first two ziplines were of the usual lengths, but what Dahilayan was proud of was its 840-meter dual zipline -- Asia's longest dual zipline to date. To reach the start tower, we had to ride a small but powerful utility vehicle along steep dirt roads. It was quite the trip: we often found ourselves precariously overlooking steep cliffs overrun by wild foliage and greenery. After the short but nerve-wracking ride upwards, we arrived at the start tower. We were geared up by a set of crew members at the ground, and then we walked up a hanging bridge to the start tower while donning our zipline gear and harness. After a few minutes of wait, I found myself hanging by my zipline gear, and before I knew it, I was already zooming down the line.
It was my very first zipline ride, and nothing beats the fact that I did it on Asia's longest one. Looking down, I saw my shadow flying above the different landscapes that changed every second or so. I flied across several scary-looking ravines and cliffs. For the first time in my life, I was soaring on top of the vibrant treetop canopies instead of being shrouded by it. The whirr of the zipline gear made my heart pound with anticipation, excitement, and a little bit of fear. I was actually flying! After almost two minutes of railed flight, the marshall at the end of the line signaled us to tuck our head down and fold our arms to the side. With a sudden jerk of the rig, we halted to a complete stop. I was a conqueror of Asia's longest dual zipline!
After we claimed our zipline pictures, we moved to Dahilayan Forest Park, which was just a few meters away from Adventure Park. There, we took a lot of snapshots because the picturesque scenery. Some of us were brave enough to try the Zorbit Experience. My friends were strapped inside a giant zorb ball, and was pushed about three hundred meters downhill. As I watched on a bridge over the track, all I could hear was screams of a mix of joy and terror from my friends. After even more pictures, we left the beautiful Dahilayan Adventure and Forest Park, had a quick lunch at Del Monte Clubhouse, and went back to Cagayan de Oro. We arrived at our hostel, Victoria Suites, at around six in the evening. After a delicious dinner sponsored by my generous Tita Aiza and Tito Jun, we retired for the night, since all of us were deadbeat by the long travel and since our call time was four-thirty in the morning for the last leg of our Mindanao escape: Iligan.
Our guide informed us that to reach Bukidnon, we had to cross several mountains. The trip was a process of waiting in a complete stop for ten minutes of more, then moving forward on very rocky and bumpy terrain. Our guide mentioned that the destroyed mountain road was an effect of Sendong, the typhoon that devastated Misamis Oriental, more specifically, the City of Cagayan de Oro. After the road smoothed out, we found ourselves sleepy once again, and after a period of time elapsed, we were already in Camp Phillips, municipality of Manolo Fortich, Bukidnon. There, we quickly hopped off our van to take some pictures of the giant pineapple that decorated the road. Beyond the orderly Camp Phillips was the seemingly endless fields of pineapples of Del Monte Plantation. There were pineapples almost as far as the eye can see, and the air there had a sweet and pleasant smell to it. It wasn't long before we reached our destination, Dahilayan Adventure and Forest Park.
It was very cold at Dahilayan. The feel was like we were in the far north in Baguio City. However, sweet pineapples replaced the fresh strawberries and adrenaline-pumping zipline rides took over the tranquil horseback strolls. After arriving, we quickly ate our breakfast from Paras and immediately purchased our passes to ride the three ziplines there. The first two ziplines were of the usual lengths, but what Dahilayan was proud of was its 840-meter dual zipline -- Asia's longest dual zipline to date. To reach the start tower, we had to ride a small but powerful utility vehicle along steep dirt roads. It was quite the trip: we often found ourselves precariously overlooking steep cliffs overrun by wild foliage and greenery. After the short but nerve-wracking ride upwards, we arrived at the start tower. We were geared up by a set of crew members at the ground, and then we walked up a hanging bridge to the start tower while donning our zipline gear and harness. After a few minutes of wait, I found myself hanging by my zipline gear, and before I knew it, I was already zooming down the line.
It was my very first zipline ride, and nothing beats the fact that I did it on Asia's longest one. Looking down, I saw my shadow flying above the different landscapes that changed every second or so. I flied across several scary-looking ravines and cliffs. For the first time in my life, I was soaring on top of the vibrant treetop canopies instead of being shrouded by it. The whirr of the zipline gear made my heart pound with anticipation, excitement, and a little bit of fear. I was actually flying! After almost two minutes of railed flight, the marshall at the end of the line signaled us to tuck our head down and fold our arms to the side. With a sudden jerk of the rig, we halted to a complete stop. I was a conqueror of Asia's longest dual zipline!
After we claimed our zipline pictures, we moved to Dahilayan Forest Park, which was just a few meters away from Adventure Park. There, we took a lot of snapshots because the picturesque scenery. Some of us were brave enough to try the Zorbit Experience. My friends were strapped inside a giant zorb ball, and was pushed about three hundred meters downhill. As I watched on a bridge over the track, all I could hear was screams of a mix of joy and terror from my friends. After even more pictures, we left the beautiful Dahilayan Adventure and Forest Park, had a quick lunch at Del Monte Clubhouse, and went back to Cagayan de Oro. We arrived at our hostel, Victoria Suites, at around six in the evening. After a delicious dinner sponsored by my generous Tita Aiza and Tito Jun, we retired for the night, since all of us were deadbeat by the long travel and since our call time was four-thirty in the morning for the last leg of our Mindanao escape: Iligan.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Three-Day Mindanao Escape: Camiguin (Part Two)
Our adventure, which we fondly call "The Forever and a Day Experience" because of the movie "Forever and a Day" started with our flight to Cagayan de Oro at seven in the morning last Tuesday, February 28. We were at the airport early, and thank god we were because the box of longganisa and embutido my mom asked me to bring to her friend in Cagayan de Oro was questioned and was sent for further inspection. The parcel was cleared by the officer, and we boarded our plane at around 6:30am. It was my very first plane ride, so we took quite a number of pictures before we actually boarded the plane.
I took the window seat and after a few minutes, our plane was taxied to the runway. Shortly, the plane sped and took off, and it was a feeling that I won't forget. I was like a kid always peering out of the window to see the clouds, the clearly defined plots of land, and the endless array of roofs on the ground below. I was so excited that I immediately got a small tan since it was a very bright and sunny day.
A little past 8:30am, our plane made its final approach and landed at Lumbia Airport, the main gateway of the City of Golden Friendship, Cagayan de Oro City. We were welcomed by Tita Aiza and Tito Jun, my mom's good friends in Cagayan de Oro. After giving her my mom's problematic padala and a few quick words and instructions, we parted ways and left the airport with our tour guide, who was already waiting outside with a sign bearing our group's name. It was then the start of a long two-hour journey to Balingaoan Port, which connected the beautiful island of Camiguin and mainland Mindanao via an hour's journey by ferry.
It was already past eleven when we arrived at Balingaoan Port. Much to our dismay, we missed the ferry by a few minutes. Roads were under repair because of the damage brought by the typhoon Sendong, so there were a lot of places wherein only one lane was passable. We stayed at a small carinderia beside the port and waited for about an hour. After eating a very quick lunch, we boarded the next ferry and headed to Camiguin.
After over an hour of travel by ferry across the Bohol Sea, we arrived at Benoni Port in Camiguin. Outside the port, we met with another one of our guides and headed for Paras Beach Resort located at the other side of Camiguin, a 45-minute drive from Benoni Port. My impression of Camiguin was it was a quiet little province, mostly covered by lush foliage and surrounded by pristine waters. People lived a relatively slow life, although modern amenities like cable television and wifi had already taken its place there.
When we arrived at Paras Beach Resort, we were pleased on how beautiful the place was. The resort had a modern vibe to it, but what was breathtaking was the view it had of the vast open ocean. We checked our bags to our room and left to tour the island.
Our first stop was the Old Vulcan Walkway and the Stations of the Cross, which was on a side of Mt. Hibuk-hibok. It was a steep trek upwards the mountain face, and it took us almost two hours to reach the end. At the seventh station, we were supposed to turn back, but a foreigner living in Camiguin made us change our minds. We were glad we did: the view at the final station was simply outstanding. It was like nothing I've seen before. As far as the eye can see, the ocean always met with the sky in a beautiful sparkling shine of sunlight. After going down and buying some refreshments, we took a quick trip to the Sunken Cemetery and the Old Church Ruins to take some pictures and meet some locals. Since the sun was about to set, our guide rushed to bring us back to Paras. He told us that there, we would ride a boat to White Island, a small patch of sand surrounded by pristine emerald waters. After a ten-minute ride by boat, we arrived at the most beautiful beach I've ever been. One can walk the entire island in less than ten minutes, and the water there was just clear as crystal. Our trip was even graced by a rainbow appearing over Camiguin, which was being showered by a light drizzle. The beautiful sunset and unmatched waters made us want to stay there, but before the sun totally set, we returned to Paras.
Our adventure wasn't over yet, as we headed to Ardent Hot Springs, located in the middle of the island. It was already dark when we arrived there. We first ate a hearty dinner, and we all ate a lot since it was the first decent meal we had the entire day. After eating a sumptuous dinner of chicken, fish, and vegetables, we took a dip in the hot spring pools. The warm waters was very relaxing and soothed our bodies from all the travel we just went. The water there was very clean and was free from any kind of chemical treatment since it was free-flowing. Before midnight, we returned to Paras Beach Resort and ordered some snacks before finally going to sleep.
We woke up at five in the morning the following day, since we needed to catch the first ferry out of Camiguin which was at six in the morning. We packed our belongings, bade farewell to the wonderful place and to White Island at the distance, and checked out. The ferry left at around past six-thirty, waded across more rough seas, and arrived a little past seven at Balingaoan. Our guide picked us up and informed us that it would be a two-hour journey to our next stop: Dahilayan Adventure Park in Manolo Fortich, Bukidnon.
I took the window seat and after a few minutes, our plane was taxied to the runway. Shortly, the plane sped and took off, and it was a feeling that I won't forget. I was like a kid always peering out of the window to see the clouds, the clearly defined plots of land, and the endless array of roofs on the ground below. I was so excited that I immediately got a small tan since it was a very bright and sunny day.
A little past 8:30am, our plane made its final approach and landed at Lumbia Airport, the main gateway of the City of Golden Friendship, Cagayan de Oro City. We were welcomed by Tita Aiza and Tito Jun, my mom's good friends in Cagayan de Oro. After giving her my mom's problematic padala and a few quick words and instructions, we parted ways and left the airport with our tour guide, who was already waiting outside with a sign bearing our group's name. It was then the start of a long two-hour journey to Balingaoan Port, which connected the beautiful island of Camiguin and mainland Mindanao via an hour's journey by ferry.
It was already past eleven when we arrived at Balingaoan Port. Much to our dismay, we missed the ferry by a few minutes. Roads were under repair because of the damage brought by the typhoon Sendong, so there were a lot of places wherein only one lane was passable. We stayed at a small carinderia beside the port and waited for about an hour. After eating a very quick lunch, we boarded the next ferry and headed to Camiguin.
After over an hour of travel by ferry across the Bohol Sea, we arrived at Benoni Port in Camiguin. Outside the port, we met with another one of our guides and headed for Paras Beach Resort located at the other side of Camiguin, a 45-minute drive from Benoni Port. My impression of Camiguin was it was a quiet little province, mostly covered by lush foliage and surrounded by pristine waters. People lived a relatively slow life, although modern amenities like cable television and wifi had already taken its place there.
When we arrived at Paras Beach Resort, we were pleased on how beautiful the place was. The resort had a modern vibe to it, but what was breathtaking was the view it had of the vast open ocean. We checked our bags to our room and left to tour the island.
Our first stop was the Old Vulcan Walkway and the Stations of the Cross, which was on a side of Mt. Hibuk-hibok. It was a steep trek upwards the mountain face, and it took us almost two hours to reach the end. At the seventh station, we were supposed to turn back, but a foreigner living in Camiguin made us change our minds. We were glad we did: the view at the final station was simply outstanding. It was like nothing I've seen before. As far as the eye can see, the ocean always met with the sky in a beautiful sparkling shine of sunlight. After going down and buying some refreshments, we took a quick trip to the Sunken Cemetery and the Old Church Ruins to take some pictures and meet some locals. Since the sun was about to set, our guide rushed to bring us back to Paras. He told us that there, we would ride a boat to White Island, a small patch of sand surrounded by pristine emerald waters. After a ten-minute ride by boat, we arrived at the most beautiful beach I've ever been. One can walk the entire island in less than ten minutes, and the water there was just clear as crystal. Our trip was even graced by a rainbow appearing over Camiguin, which was being showered by a light drizzle. The beautiful sunset and unmatched waters made us want to stay there, but before the sun totally set, we returned to Paras.
Our adventure wasn't over yet, as we headed to Ardent Hot Springs, located in the middle of the island. It was already dark when we arrived there. We first ate a hearty dinner, and we all ate a lot since it was the first decent meal we had the entire day. After eating a sumptuous dinner of chicken, fish, and vegetables, we took a dip in the hot spring pools. The warm waters was very relaxing and soothed our bodies from all the travel we just went. The water there was very clean and was free from any kind of chemical treatment since it was free-flowing. Before midnight, we returned to Paras Beach Resort and ordered some snacks before finally going to sleep.
We woke up at five in the morning the following day, since we needed to catch the first ferry out of Camiguin which was at six in the morning. We packed our belongings, bade farewell to the wonderful place and to White Island at the distance, and checked out. The ferry left at around past six-thirty, waded across more rough seas, and arrived a little past seven at Balingaoan. Our guide picked us up and informed us that it would be a two-hour journey to our next stop: Dahilayan Adventure Park in Manolo Fortich, Bukidnon.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Three-Day Mindanao Escape: Camiguin, Bukidnon, Iligan, Cagayan de Oro (Part One)
I just arrived home after my fantastic Camiguin - Bukidnon - Iligan - Cagayan de Oro three-day adventure trip. My body is sore and weak, since most of the time, we were traveling by land via rocky roads or by sea via ferries splashing against the mighty waves. But all the effort was well worth it; very well worth it. I will never forget the beautiful places I have visited, generous and outgoing people I met, and experiences and memories with my friends that I have created.
White Island in Camiguin, Dahilayan Adventure Park in Bukidnon, Tinago Falls in Iligan, and the great White Water Adventure in Cagayan de Oro -- things that made me realize how beautiful and free the country could be.
White Island in Camiguin, Dahilayan Adventure Park in Bukidnon, Tinago Falls in Iligan, and the great White Water Adventure in Cagayan de Oro -- things that made me realize how beautiful and free the country could be.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Onsite: Floor (Part Twenty-Three)
Janjan, A former blockmate and now teammate, had a talk with me about career matters when we went down to grab some grub to eat. He told me to keep it in the dark from the rest of the team for the meantime, since things are still not set to stone. I will be keeping my word even if I spill it here, since this blog isn't known by the people who see me everyday anyways.
A few days ago, a teammate of ours was approached by two managers working under our client to have a small meeting. We wondered what that was for, and then we teased that teammate of ours that he would be sent onsite. He denied it and made up reasons we all well knew that wasn't real. It was just tonight that Janjan confirmed our speculations, and admitted that he was also approached to be given a heads up that he was already one of the people being considered to be sent to Minnesota. He told me that he wasn't sure if he could truly fulfill the responsibilities of being an onsite coordinator, but if ever he had the chance, he will accept the offer and cross the great seas. He even told me that maybe I was being considered to be sent onsite after them.
I've stayed in Pointwest for almost fifteen months now. Like I've mentioned in the past, the compensation and benefits could be better, but what makes my stay in the company enjoyable is the people I'm working with. I feel very lucky to be part of the Omega Team, and I'll always try to do my best in order to make my team one of the best and happiest teams in Pointwest.
A few days ago, a teammate of ours was approached by two managers working under our client to have a small meeting. We wondered what that was for, and then we teased that teammate of ours that he would be sent onsite. He denied it and made up reasons we all well knew that wasn't real. It was just tonight that Janjan confirmed our speculations, and admitted that he was also approached to be given a heads up that he was already one of the people being considered to be sent to Minnesota. He told me that he wasn't sure if he could truly fulfill the responsibilities of being an onsite coordinator, but if ever he had the chance, he will accept the offer and cross the great seas. He even told me that maybe I was being considered to be sent onsite after them.
I've stayed in Pointwest for almost fifteen months now. Like I've mentioned in the past, the compensation and benefits could be better, but what makes my stay in the company enjoyable is the people I'm working with. I feel very lucky to be part of the Omega Team, and I'll always try to do my best in order to make my team one of the best and happiest teams in Pointwest.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Stats (File 9)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 8oz / 70.6kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 131 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 80 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11%
Fat Mass: 16lb 15oz / 7.7kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 8oz / 62.9kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 65 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 105 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 42 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 8oz / 70.6kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 131 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 80 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11%
Fat Mass: 16lb 15oz / 7.7kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 8oz / 62.9kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 65 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 105 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 42 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Similarly
...and after all that thought, if given the chance to start all over again, I would rather do things similarly. Covered in a deep sense of regret, I feel nothing would change even if things did change.
This is the end of the line. This is my sanity.
I feel I've been ripped out of my life...
And put somewhere else.
We're facing a long, hard journey
Maybe even harder than I can imagine...
I guess I'm losing hope.
But like I said,
It's all about slim chances now,
And a slim chance is better than none.
One thing I know with certainty:
We're moving on.
We can't give up.
This is the end of the line. This is my sanity.
I feel I've been ripped out of my life...
And put somewhere else.
We're facing a long, hard journey
Maybe even harder than I can imagine...
I guess I'm losing hope.
But like I said,
It's all about slim chances now,
And a slim chance is better than none.
One thing I know with certainty:
We're moving on.
We can't give up.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Differently
Moments like this rarely happen, but when they do, I stop to pause and think. Walking homeward bound, something came across my mind. The thought wasn't a stranger to me; it was just that tonight, I paid extra attention to it. A lot of things have happened over the past few years, and these things had changed me in ways more than one. But tonight, I doubtfully asked myself the question:
What if I did things differently?
Would things stay the same, or would they be better? Would I be still insecure, or strong enough to stand on my own, not needing a surrogate sense of security? The truth seems to be too twisted that it already feels too uncomfortable. Meanings no longer hold their worth, since they are made up to patch up eyes that yearn for freedom.
I am a strong believer of the power of choice. But tonight, time slowed down and made me think if I had relied on choosing my own path far too much.
What if I did things differently?
Would things stay the same, or would they be better? Would I be still insecure, or strong enough to stand on my own, not needing a surrogate sense of security? The truth seems to be too twisted that it already feels too uncomfortable. Meanings no longer hold their worth, since they are made up to patch up eyes that yearn for freedom.
I am a strong believer of the power of choice. But tonight, time slowed down and made me think if I had relied on choosing my own path far too much.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Trainer: Floor (Part Twenty-Two)
Earlier this evening, I attended a mentoring session on how to be an effective trainer for the new trainees of the company. Apprehension filled my head because I thought we had to present a short part of our module and from there, ideas on how to improve our approach were to be shared. But I was wrong, it was just a small, lively, and amazing lecture by Geena, an upper hand in the administration. I picked up a lot of things, both familiar and new ideas, as well as a renewed sense of confidence with myself. I was frightened by the fact that my performance as a trainer would be evaluated, but it just came to me that in almost all aspects of life, we are looked on and graded in one way or another. But more importantly, I managed to make myself do something that I was hesitant on doing. The fear of the feeling of failure always haunts me in these kinds of situations, but I'm pleased with myself that I proved that I can overcome my fears stemming from insecurities.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
N-mates
Despite our busy schedules, my friends in college and I always try to find some time to see each other. Before, I thought that every time we meet up, we would catch up on and ask how everyone was doing. But I always find myself wrong, since we hang out somewhat like we used to do when we were still in school. Yes, we do not see each other as often as before, but for me, that makes going out with them even more exciting and enjoyable. I feel a deep sense of happiness and contentment that I don't experience when I go out by myself.
We've been graduates for just about two years now, and I think it is way too early to tell if things will be the same on the many years to come. But I'm sure that even if we'll be thousands of miles from each other in the future, we will still find a way for us to meet, in a way unique to the N-mates.
We've been graduates for just about two years now, and I think it is way too early to tell if things will be the same on the many years to come. But I'm sure that even if we'll be thousands of miles from each other in the future, we will still find a way for us to meet, in a way unique to the N-mates.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Final Interview: Floor (Part Twenty-One)
Before lunchtime, Ahm, our project manager, changed his status message from an excerpt from a song to that of him asking for a volunteer to help him conduct final interviews. Being the curious person that I am, I asked him if I could accompany him in the interviews. He quickly said I could go while telling me that there were three interviews, one following the other starting at around two in the afternoon. I hesitated if I should ask what I was supposed to do, but I calmed myself in saying that Ahm would be the one leading the interview, and I should just pretty much step back and watch, pitching in some questions from time to time.
Two in the afternoon came, and Ahm waved to grab my attention that it was time to go. I diligently brought my notepad and a pen, just for the sake of having some props with me. As Ahm and I conducted the three interviews, I was impressed at how spontaneous he was in his questions. His follow-up questions were quick and snappy, but at the same time were actually worth asking. He also conducted the interviews in a very light manner -- we were actually chuckling and laughing two-thirds of the time. The three applicants tackled our questions and behaved very differently, from being politely talkative to being awkwardly quiet.
At the end of the first interview, I asked him what some of the abstract questions were for. He explained to me that what he was looking for was not somebody who had a lot of technical knowledge, but people with interesting personalities and creative ways of dealing with a problem. Following suit, I said my few cents worth every time he asked me what I thought about each applicant. There was an applicant wherein I particularly felt strongly against. When Ahm asked me if I was going to hire him or not, I told him that I found the applicant's stubborn attitude and inflexibility to adapt to challenging situations concerning, despite his superior potential compared to the other two. Ahm agreed with me, and listed that applicant to be interviewed again by another panel. We hired the two other applicants because we found them to be gregarious and actually interested in joining the company.
As Ahm and I walked back to our workstations, I realized that yes, the result is important, but the process and journey in getting to that end is as important as well. Taking the applicant we rejected as an example, he had all the intelligence needed to succeed in our field, but why was he rejected? He didn't show he had the passion for technology. Comparing him to the other applicant who we felt strongly for, we accepted him because he showed to us that he really wanted to be a programmer, even if he had four failing marks in college. I've always felt chained down by my own insecurities, but in sitting down and talking to three complete strangers, I realized that I can achieve things no matter what, if I truly wanted to attain them.
Two in the afternoon came, and Ahm waved to grab my attention that it was time to go. I diligently brought my notepad and a pen, just for the sake of having some props with me. As Ahm and I conducted the three interviews, I was impressed at how spontaneous he was in his questions. His follow-up questions were quick and snappy, but at the same time were actually worth asking. He also conducted the interviews in a very light manner -- we were actually chuckling and laughing two-thirds of the time. The three applicants tackled our questions and behaved very differently, from being politely talkative to being awkwardly quiet.
At the end of the first interview, I asked him what some of the abstract questions were for. He explained to me that what he was looking for was not somebody who had a lot of technical knowledge, but people with interesting personalities and creative ways of dealing with a problem. Following suit, I said my few cents worth every time he asked me what I thought about each applicant. There was an applicant wherein I particularly felt strongly against. When Ahm asked me if I was going to hire him or not, I told him that I found the applicant's stubborn attitude and inflexibility to adapt to challenging situations concerning, despite his superior potential compared to the other two. Ahm agreed with me, and listed that applicant to be interviewed again by another panel. We hired the two other applicants because we found them to be gregarious and actually interested in joining the company.
As Ahm and I walked back to our workstations, I realized that yes, the result is important, but the process and journey in getting to that end is as important as well. Taking the applicant we rejected as an example, he had all the intelligence needed to succeed in our field, but why was he rejected? He didn't show he had the passion for technology. Comparing him to the other applicant who we felt strongly for, we accepted him because he showed to us that he really wanted to be a programmer, even if he had four failing marks in college. I've always felt chained down by my own insecurities, but in sitting down and talking to three complete strangers, I realized that I can achieve things no matter what, if I truly wanted to attain them.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Build Number Two: Floor (Part Twenty)
During the week that has passed, most if not all of us in our team were seating at the edge of our seats and was on our toes in racing to meet our very hectic schedule. At the heat of things, I volunteered to be the build master for the submission tonight, only to realize later on that this particular build had a lot of documents attached to it - thirteen long pages filled with walls of text.
Casting my folly aside, I began to compile the documents needed for today's report. However, because of the complexity of our work, I was only able to prepare the materials at around one in the morning. Mounting to the pressure was the fact that all team leads had already left, and I was the only person left to complete the task. It was very worrying since the task of a build master is a very important and critical one. I tried to put up a brave face, but I can't just help to think of the consequences if the build tonight was a failure. Thankfully, the build was successful, not to mention our counterparts who understood the situation and encouraged me for having done a good job.
As I walked home, I thought about the things that just happened: me stepping up to a challenge and completing it even if I had doubts about my capabilities. In the past, I usually strayed away from difficulties since I am afraid to fail. But now, I subconsciously always try to choose the hardest way out and is still terrified to do poorly. I don't understand if it is me proving myself that I can do it, or just me being fearful of falling below expectations.
Casting my folly aside, I began to compile the documents needed for today's report. However, because of the complexity of our work, I was only able to prepare the materials at around one in the morning. Mounting to the pressure was the fact that all team leads had already left, and I was the only person left to complete the task. It was very worrying since the task of a build master is a very important and critical one. I tried to put up a brave face, but I can't just help to think of the consequences if the build tonight was a failure. Thankfully, the build was successful, not to mention our counterparts who understood the situation and encouraged me for having done a good job.
As I walked home, I thought about the things that just happened: me stepping up to a challenge and completing it even if I had doubts about my capabilities. In the past, I usually strayed away from difficulties since I am afraid to fail. But now, I subconsciously always try to choose the hardest way out and is still terrified to do poorly. I don't understand if it is me proving myself that I can do it, or just me being fearful of falling below expectations.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sixteen Hours: Floor (Part Nineteen)
I've been very busy for the past week. Our team has a big deadline to reach, and to do so, each of us has to work beyond the norms. Ever since I started work at Pointwest, the most number of overtime hours I have rendered was 18 hours in a month. Just being in the middle of January, I have already rendered a total of 16 hours of overtime - and our work isn't near halfway done.
I have no complaints - I totally enjoy working the extra hours. I find the peace missing in my home in the solace of my quiet workstation. The familiar chattering of the keyboard and random clicks of the mouse adequately appeases my desire to talk to people. I find happiness in the warmth of my hands on my cheeks as I walk under the cold midnight sky. Those alone make things easier to bear. People might find me as a workaholic, but I don't see myself as such. I just try to enjoy the things that I have and not be sullied by the things I wished I had.
Bittersweet as it may sound, happiness and satisfaction are two different things. I have learned that accepting and being satisfied to things as they are, how miserable as they may seem, is the first step to moving forward.
I have no complaints - I totally enjoy working the extra hours. I find the peace missing in my home in the solace of my quiet workstation. The familiar chattering of the keyboard and random clicks of the mouse adequately appeases my desire to talk to people. I find happiness in the warmth of my hands on my cheeks as I walk under the cold midnight sky. Those alone make things easier to bear. People might find me as a workaholic, but I don't see myself as such. I just try to enjoy the things that I have and not be sullied by the things I wished I had.
Bittersweet as it may sound, happiness and satisfaction are two different things. I have learned that accepting and being satisfied to things as they are, how miserable as they may seem, is the first step to moving forward.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Stats (File 8)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 151lb 5oz / 68.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 19.7kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 120 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 72 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 10.8%
Fat Mass: 16lb 4oz / 7.4kg
Free Fat Mass: 135lb 0oz / 61.3kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 85 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 95 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 78 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 151lb 5oz / 68.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 19.7kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 120 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 72 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 10.8%
Fat Mass: 16lb 4oz / 7.4kg
Free Fat Mass: 135lb 0oz / 61.3kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 85 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 95 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 78 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Third Wheel
It may be bad luck to talk about something like this at the start of a beautiful year, but it just crossed my mind and has occupied it ever since.
I have always wondered what do people in a polygamous relationship thinks or feels. Not that I want to be part of one, it's just that I've been watching historical Korean dramas and more often than not, the ruling king had several concubines who held significant influence and power. But then again, I think the context of then and now are two different things.
But in our present day and age, is it okay to share that romantic kind of love? Or is there some other kind of love involved that makes things much more acceptable?
In the end of it all, I will never know.
I have always wondered what do people in a polygamous relationship thinks or feels. Not that I want to be part of one, it's just that I've been watching historical Korean dramas and more often than not, the ruling king had several concubines who held significant influence and power. But then again, I think the context of then and now are two different things.
But in our present day and age, is it okay to share that romantic kind of love? Or is there some other kind of love involved that makes things much more acceptable?
In the end of it all, I will never know.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Stats (File 7)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 152lb 6oz / 69.2kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 126 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 77 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.5%
Fat Mass: 17lb 6oz / 7.9kg
Free Fat Mass: 135lb 0oz / 61.3kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 89 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 117 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 55 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 152lb 6oz / 69.2kg
Height: 6ft 0.8in / 185cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 126 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 77 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.5%
Fat Mass: 17lb 6oz / 7.9kg
Free Fat Mass: 135lb 0oz / 61.3kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 89 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 117 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 55 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Chapter Two
I start the year with these in mind:
"Don't expect things to happen. It's better to be surprised than to be disappointed."
"Don't be afraid of change. You may be losing something good, but gaining something is so much better."
The past year has been a year of lessons learned through disappointments and a life of tearfully clinging to the past.
Things are easier said than done, but hopefully, it won't be the same this time around.
"Don't expect things to happen. It's better to be surprised than to be disappointed."
"Don't be afraid of change. You may be losing something good, but gaining something is so much better."
The past year has been a year of lessons learned through disappointments and a life of tearfully clinging to the past.
Things are easier said than done, but hopefully, it won't be the same this time around.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Lola Taba
Lola Marcelina, who we call Lola Taba, passed away this Christmas morning due to complications resulting from a heart attack. She is a younger sister of Lola Pen.
We called her Lola Taba because of her roly-poly frame. Always wearing a smile and bursting into laughter, she was very much easy to like and get along. However, things changed for the worse ever since her husband, Lolo Pepe, passed away a few years ago. She has been through a lot ever since Lolo's sad passing. Lola Taba has been through from mental lapses due to old age to familial disputes because of family properties. As the years passed, she eroded from a rotund and jolly person to a withered and sad one. Her smiles became rare occurrences as she never seemed to have moved on from her husband's death.
It may sound harsh, but it seems that she has received the best Christmas gift -- to be one again with God and her beloved husband and together live in eternal peace and happiness. To anyone reading this, please spare a small moment of your time to pray for her eternal repose. As always, God in His infinite kindness and mercy will surely find a way to repay you for your generosity.
We called her Lola Taba because of her roly-poly frame. Always wearing a smile and bursting into laughter, she was very much easy to like and get along. However, things changed for the worse ever since her husband, Lolo Pepe, passed away a few years ago. She has been through a lot ever since Lolo's sad passing. Lola Taba has been through from mental lapses due to old age to familial disputes because of family properties. As the years passed, she eroded from a rotund and jolly person to a withered and sad one. Her smiles became rare occurrences as she never seemed to have moved on from her husband's death.
It may sound harsh, but it seems that she has received the best Christmas gift -- to be one again with God and her beloved husband and together live in eternal peace and happiness. To anyone reading this, please spare a small moment of your time to pray for her eternal repose. As always, God in His infinite kindness and mercy will surely find a way to repay you for your generosity.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Incomplete
My Christmas this year isn't the same as all the Christmases I had for the past twenty-three years.
Despite being surrounded by loving family, I feel bitterly unloved. Even if I am always with my fun-loving friends, I feel desperately alone. Even if I have received many small gifts that came from the heart, my hands feel empty, trembling in the cold air synonymous to the season.
It is as if I wake up one morning and everything became so incomplete.
Am I just being selfish to silently desire for something better?
Despite being surrounded by loving family, I feel bitterly unloved. Even if I am always with my fun-loving friends, I feel desperately alone. Even if I have received many small gifts that came from the heart, my hands feel empty, trembling in the cold air synonymous to the season.
It is as if I wake up one morning and everything became so incomplete.
Am I just being selfish to silently desire for something better?
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Build Number One: Floor (Part Eighteen)
It has been almost ten months since I was assigned to Omega. Tonight for the very first time, I was tasked to send our codes to our onsite counterparts: a process we call as building. It is one of those little things that makes me feel a real part of the team, since it is something not usually done by people who have just been introduced to the team.
For the first time in the week, it was alright for me to stay behind and wait until the task was done. I found myself always wanting to go home at the soonest possible time, but tonight was something different. I felt a sense of accomplishment to stay behind. I felt proud -- a small but very significant manner.
There are just times when people feel too down to even help their own self, but there always comes a reason for people to look up once again and see the things they almost missed.
For the first time in the week, it was alright for me to stay behind and wait until the task was done. I found myself always wanting to go home at the soonest possible time, but tonight was something different. I felt a sense of accomplishment to stay behind. I felt proud -- a small but very significant manner.
There are just times when people feel too down to even help their own self, but there always comes a reason for people to look up once again and see the things they almost missed.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Constitution (File 6)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 154lb 10oz / 70.2kg
Height: 6ft 1.2in / 186cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.3kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 118 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 53 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.6%
Fat Mass: 17lb 13oz / 8.1kg
Free Fat Mass: 136lb 12oz / 62.1kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 101 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 166 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 43 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 154lb 10oz / 70.2kg
Height: 6ft 1.2in / 186cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.3kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 118 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 53 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.6%
Fat Mass: 17lb 13oz / 8.1kg
Free Fat Mass: 136lb 12oz / 62.1kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 101 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 166 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 43 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Overheard
I shuffled my feet to the restroom as I took a break from our dance practice for our performance in the party this Thursday. It should have been a very ordinary trip to the loo, but something happened that was quite awkward.
As soon as I pushed the heavy restroom door open, I overheard two people talking to one another:
"Alam mo ba yung sa Java, yung..."
And then they stopped as soon as they noticed I was there.
As I was taking a leak, I waited for him to continue what he was saying, but he didn't. The other guy asked what was that about, but the other answered something like it's up for the other person to know. I can't stop thinking that they were talking about me, but I thought that it was also possible that he stopped because he knew I belong to Java and that I might know whoever the person they were supposed to talk about. I wanted to see if he was whispering things to his friend, but I didn't since it would be too obvious that I was listening to what they were saying. But honestly, I hope it was about me since I have a secret admiration on the one who initiated the conversation. It matters for me because he matters for me.
---
A week has passed, but sadly, nothing seems to have changed.
As soon as I pushed the heavy restroom door open, I overheard two people talking to one another:
"Alam mo ba yung sa Java, yung..."
And then they stopped as soon as they noticed I was there.
As I was taking a leak, I waited for him to continue what he was saying, but he didn't. The other guy asked what was that about, but the other answered something like it's up for the other person to know. I can't stop thinking that they were talking about me, but I thought that it was also possible that he stopped because he knew I belong to Java and that I might know whoever the person they were supposed to talk about. I wanted to see if he was whispering things to his friend, but I didn't since it would be too obvious that I was listening to what they were saying. But honestly, I hope it was about me since I have a secret admiration on the one who initiated the conversation. It matters for me because he matters for me.
---
A week has passed, but sadly, nothing seems to have changed.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Unstill
Peace in seclusion
Solace in silence
Rest in isolation
I've lost my way
Happiness always
A day away.
I give up.
Solace in silence
Rest in isolation
I've lost my way
Happiness always
A day away.
I give up.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Eleven Months Ago
At this very moment, the wolf has turned eleven months old.
During the past eleven months, many things have changed. I am now a taxable figure of the country, and all I ever think about is how to become a millionaire. People came and went in my life, some I regret, and some I am very much thankful for. I have experienced a lot of embarrassing things, but I also had times when I overflowed with an indomitable ardor for excellence.
But one thing is still the same: I will continue to make my own decisions and weave my own path in the loom of destiny. I have opened and closed many chapters in my story, and I will continue to do so in the many midnights to come.
During the past eleven months, many things have changed. I am now a taxable figure of the country, and all I ever think about is how to become a millionaire. People came and went in my life, some I regret, and some I am very much thankful for. I have experienced a lot of embarrassing things, but I also had times when I overflowed with an indomitable ardor for excellence.
But one thing is still the same: I will continue to make my own decisions and weave my own path in the loom of destiny. I have opened and closed many chapters in my story, and I will continue to do so in the many midnights to come.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Lola Pen (Part 2)
To all those who prayed for Lola Pen's recovery, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Thankfully, she's doing well and is solidly in the path to full recovery.
We went to Bulacan to visit her today, and to our relief, she's very much back to her usual old self again. Our Pen is still as lively as ever, and was very happy to see us. Aside from the bandage wrapped around her head, she was pretty much the same. Nagmano ako and kissed her cheek, and soon after, she started to tremble as she tried to stop her tears that started to well in her eyes. My mom cheered her up, but Pen seemingly said to herself "muntik na". True enough, we feared the worst might happen, but God was very kind and granted everyone another chance to show how much we love Pen.
Again, for all who prayed for her, thank you. I'm sure God will have His way of repaying you for your generosity and kindness. Thank you very much, and I pray that may He keep us safe from harm and protect us always.
We went to Bulacan to visit her today, and to our relief, she's very much back to her usual old self again. Our Pen is still as lively as ever, and was very happy to see us. Aside from the bandage wrapped around her head, she was pretty much the same. Nagmano ako and kissed her cheek, and soon after, she started to tremble as she tried to stop her tears that started to well in her eyes. My mom cheered her up, but Pen seemingly said to herself "muntik na". True enough, we feared the worst might happen, but God was very kind and granted everyone another chance to show how much we love Pen.
Again, for all who prayed for her, thank you. I'm sure God will have His way of repaying you for your generosity and kindness. Thank you very much, and I pray that may He keep us safe from harm and protect us always.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Out of Convenience
A week ago, my old college friends and I met up for some so much needed get together. It's true that each and every one that attended has become more or less an adult in terms of priorities and responsibilities. The usual chitchat of the hottest happenings in school was in fact still the things that we talked about all night long, since it was one of the experiences we all shared together.
And true enough, one of my friends was once again placed on the hot seat because her relationship with another friend of ours intrigued us, since all she ever did was to avoid the topic from being discussed. It turned out that now, they were in the dark about each other. It was as if they had mutually called off their relationship, if there was indeed any. A few more drinks until I was inebriate, I asked her why didn't she fend for their relationship, and her reply was that she no longer knew if she just liked the person out of the convenience of they could see each other everyday at work.
After stopping to think about what she said, I gave her a fist bump. I've been currently distraught about my feelings toward my friends at work, and "out of convenience" pretty much hits the spot. I understood what she meant: liking someone out of convenience isn't a pleasant feeling. The person becomes a reminder that he or she has become a scapegoat for one's longings for requited love.
But seriously, being single isn't all that bad. It is a time where you can love yourself so you can fully love another.
And true enough, one of my friends was once again placed on the hot seat because her relationship with another friend of ours intrigued us, since all she ever did was to avoid the topic from being discussed. It turned out that now, they were in the dark about each other. It was as if they had mutually called off their relationship, if there was indeed any. A few more drinks until I was inebriate, I asked her why didn't she fend for their relationship, and her reply was that she no longer knew if she just liked the person out of the convenience of they could see each other everyday at work.
After stopping to think about what she said, I gave her a fist bump. I've been currently distraught about my feelings toward my friends at work, and "out of convenience" pretty much hits the spot. I understood what she meant: liking someone out of convenience isn't a pleasant feeling. The person becomes a reminder that he or she has become a scapegoat for one's longings for requited love.
But seriously, being single isn't all that bad. It is a time where you can love yourself so you can fully love another.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Lola Pen
My 83 year old grandmother, who we fondly call Pen, met an unfortunate accident early this morning that left us deeply worried about her. She has already endured through an episode of stroke, a period of depression, and is bravely fighting the onset of Parkinson's. The things that happened today alarmed and made us realize even more that we can lose her any moment, no matter how enthusiastic her outlook in life and how strong at heart she is.
I am not too aware of the details that happened. But what I know is that she fell in a very ill way that left her scalp split open, skull exposed. Apparently, their Pitbull broke free of its leash, and Pen at the spur of the moment, tried to block the strong dog with her frail body. The dog ran the old lady over, which made her lose her balance and fall down to the pavement hard. My distressed aunt immediately rushed her to the hospital, fearing an internal hemorrhage since Pen vomited no less than three times. She quickly called my mom after to tell her what happened, who told the news to us.
As I learned what happened to her, I silently prayed to God to give Pen and everybody that loves her dearly strength in this moment of trial. I very rarely pray to God for personal favors, but this is just something different.
This afternoon, I have received a text message from my mom that Pen's head scans revealed no internal hemorrhage. She underwent an operation to reconstruct her damaged scalp and close her wound. As of tonight, it is a relief for everyone as she's doing well at the hospital. With prayers, I hope that she completely recovers from this ordeal.
To anybody reading this, please spare a small prayer for her, and for us as well. I am sure God, with His infinite kindness, will repay you for your generosity.
I am not too aware of the details that happened. But what I know is that she fell in a very ill way that left her scalp split open, skull exposed. Apparently, their Pitbull broke free of its leash, and Pen at the spur of the moment, tried to block the strong dog with her frail body. The dog ran the old lady over, which made her lose her balance and fall down to the pavement hard. My distressed aunt immediately rushed her to the hospital, fearing an internal hemorrhage since Pen vomited no less than three times. She quickly called my mom after to tell her what happened, who told the news to us.
As I learned what happened to her, I silently prayed to God to give Pen and everybody that loves her dearly strength in this moment of trial. I very rarely pray to God for personal favors, but this is just something different.
This afternoon, I have received a text message from my mom that Pen's head scans revealed no internal hemorrhage. She underwent an operation to reconstruct her damaged scalp and close her wound. As of tonight, it is a relief for everyone as she's doing well at the hospital. With prayers, I hope that she completely recovers from this ordeal.
To anybody reading this, please spare a small prayer for her, and for us as well. I am sure God, with His infinite kindness, will repay you for your generosity.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Gaga Over Gaga
Day in and day out at the office, I've been finding myself increasingly attracted to the pop dance music of Lady Gaga. I don't usually blog about things like these, but heck, I just can't get her music out of my head. My body nonchalantly grooves with the lively beats of the songs she herself composes. She's hailed as a saint amongst the rainbow community, but I admire her as a self-proclaimed creative person. Even though Gaga has a very eccentric style and personality, she has a way of blending it to her musical virtuoso -- and that is what makes Lady Gaga jive to my own move.
There are a share of people who sees her as a genius and as a freak. People are simply weirded out by her brazen fashion ensembles, while others hail her as the next greatest icon. Other people also say she is an instrument of the occult as reflected in her songs and videos. Everybody deserves their own opinions, and I'm just a fan who admires her strong personality and move inducing songs. I have to admit, I don't understand what she does from time to time, but who am I to stop how she expresses herself?
In dancing, a beat is as good as any other, but her songs mixed with shimmery glass-synth music to body blasting bass beats is in a winning battle against my own monsters of insecurity. While watching and practicing dance breakdowns over and over again, I have learned that it is all about accepting and embracing things for their worth. "How will people accept a person if that person cannot accept their own self?" It's that cliche question everybody's heard of, just like a 5-6-7-8.
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
There are a share of people who sees her as a genius and as a freak. People are simply weirded out by her brazen fashion ensembles, while others hail her as the next greatest icon. Other people also say she is an instrument of the occult as reflected in her songs and videos. Everybody deserves their own opinions, and I'm just a fan who admires her strong personality and move inducing songs. I have to admit, I don't understand what she does from time to time, but who am I to stop how she expresses herself?
In dancing, a beat is as good as any other, but her songs mixed with shimmery glass-synth music to body blasting bass beats is in a winning battle against my own monsters of insecurity. While watching and practicing dance breakdowns over and over again, I have learned that it is all about accepting and embracing things for their worth. "How will people accept a person if that person cannot accept their own self?" It's that cliche question everybody's heard of, just like a 5-6-7-8.
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sick Elbow
My left elbow has been in pain for several weeks now.
The pain isn't that bad. I can still do everyday things without any difficulties. A bolt of pain just occasionally blitzes through my left arm whenever my elbow gets stretched too quickly or too far. The pain is less now, but it's still there.
I'm pointing my fingers on two culprits: me not doing enough warm-up before I exercised, or very early arthritis. Hopefully, it's just an over strained muscle or a hyper stretched tendon. I feel relief whenever I place a menthol plaster on the area, and that is enough to keep me from getting too worried.
As a result, I have been out in the cold in terms of training for almost over a month now. I am restraining myself even if I'm dying to do so to avoid making my injury worse. I can manage to train as long as I warm-up well and good, but I'm just being extra careful.
Any muscle I've added to my thin arms have atrophied by now -- something I regret. I've worked so hard to gain that little, and it seems that I have pushed myself too far and gave myself an injury. What the coaches said was true: the value of warming-up is usually learned the hard way, and the hard way it was for me.
Not pushing one's self to do more won't do any good, but pushing one's self too far is far more worse. I think it is all about learning the fine line between utter mediocrity and sheer stupidity.
The pain isn't that bad. I can still do everyday things without any difficulties. A bolt of pain just occasionally blitzes through my left arm whenever my elbow gets stretched too quickly or too far. The pain is less now, but it's still there.
I'm pointing my fingers on two culprits: me not doing enough warm-up before I exercised, or very early arthritis. Hopefully, it's just an over strained muscle or a hyper stretched tendon. I feel relief whenever I place a menthol plaster on the area, and that is enough to keep me from getting too worried.
As a result, I have been out in the cold in terms of training for almost over a month now. I am restraining myself even if I'm dying to do so to avoid making my injury worse. I can manage to train as long as I warm-up well and good, but I'm just being extra careful.
Any muscle I've added to my thin arms have atrophied by now -- something I regret. I've worked so hard to gain that little, and it seems that I have pushed myself too far and gave myself an injury. What the coaches said was true: the value of warming-up is usually learned the hard way, and the hard way it was for me.
Not pushing one's self to do more won't do any good, but pushing one's self too far is far more worse. I think it is all about learning the fine line between utter mediocrity and sheer stupidity.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Self-Assessment : Floor (Part Seventeen)
Today, I completed a self-assessment test to measure how well I was faring in our company, career wise. The test was less than 15 questions, but what was tedious about it was that I needed to constantly check what the criteria were in a given dictionary. There were several levels in each proficiency, and each level had a detailed description in the said dictionary. Needless to say, rating myself was an eye opener for me because after almost a year in work, I finally managed to see what was expected from me. And frankly, it was quite depressing to see myself ticking ones and twos in ratings of fours or fives. It was exactly what I said before I graduated: work, in one way or another, meant starting things all over again.
I happily let out a huge sigh of relief as I pressed the submit button, and thought to myself what my next step would be. In the test, my common reason for marking was I still lacked initiative. So will I take this as a challenge to step up, or will I just stand back and be duly content with what I have?
I happily let out a huge sigh of relief as I pressed the submit button, and thought to myself what my next step would be. In the test, my common reason for marking was I still lacked initiative. So will I take this as a challenge to step up, or will I just stand back and be duly content with what I have?
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Ennui
I do find a sense of security in repetition, however, there are times when I feel listless and dissatisfied. I feel I have lost the adventurous side of myself: always looking for something new, and always learning things while admiring the magnificent view.
It's a struggle to stay interested, but am I the one to blame when things are just dull and lifeless?
It's a struggle to stay interested, but am I the one to blame when things are just dull and lifeless?
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Trick or Treat: Floor (Part Sixteen)
Today, children of employees at work came to do some trick or treating. Feeling the spirit of spooks and scares, I decided to craft a mask that was a cross between the antagonist in Predator, and Jenova, the antagonist in Final Fantasy VII.
When I was making it, I didn't expect it to be frightening at all. But after I have glued and taped down the last few wires and let the silver paint dry up, it started to look unsettling. What completed the look was the black electrical tape that I added in an ecks across the lips. It wasn't the usual Halloween scare, rather it was something weird and eerie to the point that it was already disturbing.
It was a silver cyborg face which broke to freedom but was pacified, never to tell the tale about it.
As I wore my creation, children didn't mind my presence. They were too fixated on the sheer quantity of candies and treats people prepared. However, there was one little girl who looked at me in the eyes, fumbled backwards, and started to cry. What I did was to wave back at her, and that succeeded in cheering her up. I was relieved that I didn't scare her off. I made my mask not to scare children away, but to appease the desire in my hands to do something creative.
The busy day ended with the children all going home with a bag full of sweets and smiles painted across their happy little faces. I, feeling a sense of proud achievement to Jenova (a teammate of mine told me I looked like Jenova), laid her beside my monitor at work: an eerie and constant reminder that I can achieve things when I put my mind to it.
When I was making it, I didn't expect it to be frightening at all. But after I have glued and taped down the last few wires and let the silver paint dry up, it started to look unsettling. What completed the look was the black electrical tape that I added in an ecks across the lips. It wasn't the usual Halloween scare, rather it was something weird and eerie to the point that it was already disturbing.
It was a silver cyborg face which broke to freedom but was pacified, never to tell the tale about it.
As I wore my creation, children didn't mind my presence. They were too fixated on the sheer quantity of candies and treats people prepared. However, there was one little girl who looked at me in the eyes, fumbled backwards, and started to cry. What I did was to wave back at her, and that succeeded in cheering her up. I was relieved that I didn't scare her off. I made my mask not to scare children away, but to appease the desire in my hands to do something creative.
The busy day ended with the children all going home with a bag full of sweets and smiles painted across their happy little faces. I, feeling a sense of proud achievement to Jenova (a teammate of mine told me I looked like Jenova), laid her beside my monitor at work: an eerie and constant reminder that I can achieve things when I put my mind to it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Always Smiling
The day of our orientation about Pointwest was a sleepy day for me. I stayed up late the previous evening, since we went to Bulacan to take part in my grandfather's anniversary. It has been a sacred tradition for us, since anyone who broke to his last wish would feel his presence.
The icebreaker for that day was to say your name, and to say something unique about yourself. Nadja, one of the facilitators, started by saying her name and some details about her. She also shared that no matter how tired she was, she never ever frowns in front of people -- hindi siya nagbuborsimangot. I was aptly intrigued. In the back of my mind, I thought it was impossible.
At almost eleven months into my stay here at Pointwest, true enough, I've never seen Nadja frown. I've seen her get upset, but never did I witness her smile turn upside down.
For the past few days, I've been getting increasingly tired. My lack of discipline pushes me to stay up late, making me late for work or be extremely groggy during the day. I manage to always stay lively at work, but when I get home, I just feel so tired in many ways that I frown just about everything. Nadja may have inspired me for always trying to be cheerful, and I'm pleased about it. Now, I just want to stay happy at home even if I'm really worn out, because I am happy and content at my home.
The icebreaker for that day was to say your name, and to say something unique about yourself. Nadja, one of the facilitators, started by saying her name and some details about her. She also shared that no matter how tired she was, she never ever frowns in front of people -- hindi siya nagbuborsimangot. I was aptly intrigued. In the back of my mind, I thought it was impossible.
At almost eleven months into my stay here at Pointwest, true enough, I've never seen Nadja frown. I've seen her get upset, but never did I witness her smile turn upside down.
For the past few days, I've been getting increasingly tired. My lack of discipline pushes me to stay up late, making me late for work or be extremely groggy during the day. I manage to always stay lively at work, but when I get home, I just feel so tired in many ways that I frown just about everything. Nadja may have inspired me for always trying to be cheerful, and I'm pleased about it. Now, I just want to stay happy at home even if I'm really worn out, because I am happy and content at my home.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
[Raven]
I've finally bought her. She's an Xbox 360 slim, a 250 GB beauty bundled with the awesome device named Kinect. After four or so months of putting aside a part of my salary, she's here. I'm planning to call her Raven, but I'm still considering other names.
She's to become the life of the party, always placing grins on happy people's faces. In the end, I bought her thinking not only about myself, but other people as well.
She's to become the life of the party, always placing grins on happy people's faces. In the end, I bought her thinking not only about myself, but other people as well.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Two Choices
I'm slowly starting to grow independent of "that" site. I've told myself over and over that it will not bring me any good. However, I cannot convince myself not to pay a visit. Like a drug, I have grown addicted to it: the plentiful locales showing off their ripped bodies, putting on their most handsome of smiles, and of course, a few daunting enough to show their engorged packages.
In that gay market, your body is the currency to a new relationship. People glance through profile after profile in search for one thing: free sex. Yes, there are people much more better than that, however, the truth lies in the fact that most of the members there are after a quick thrill to quench one's carnal desires and bodily pleasures.
To be blunt, I can do it all by myself. I've been joking around with my friends online: I'm in a relationship with my right hand.
I've been single for almost a year, and I'm still alive. More importantly, I am content in being single. Yes, I do miss the times when I have someone to cuddle to during the cold, rainy weather. I miss the quiet times of eating with your special someone in a very ordinary place -- however your special someone makes everything out of the ordinary. I am a hopeless romantic and an eternal dreamer, but I have learned that reality isn't all that hard, once I understood how to accept it. I quote myself a few months back: being single is a choice.
Years ago, I've cursed everything for making me gay. I felt as if everything is twice as difficult because I was erroneous. I couldn't like the people I liked. People bullied me for being different from them. I've cried so much that my eyes dried up, unwilling to shed another teardrop. But, growing older, living life, and having friends that accepted me no matter who I was made me realize one thing: being gay is a choice. It might have been a choice I made without my full knowledge, but to no regrets. I have accepted who I am, and if given another choice, I'd still choose to be gay. It is who I am.
Being gay in a homophobic society isn't easy. It is a constant battle between fitting in and standing out. I admire all the gay people who step out of the closet, but I do respect all the gay men living in the darkest corners of it. Everyone has their own choices, and it is through my choices that I will make a difference, at least in my own life.
Destiny gives us chances; we make the choices.
In that gay market, your body is the currency to a new relationship. People glance through profile after profile in search for one thing: free sex. Yes, there are people much more better than that, however, the truth lies in the fact that most of the members there are after a quick thrill to quench one's carnal desires and bodily pleasures.
To be blunt, I can do it all by myself. I've been joking around with my friends online: I'm in a relationship with my right hand.
I've been single for almost a year, and I'm still alive. More importantly, I am content in being single. Yes, I do miss the times when I have someone to cuddle to during the cold, rainy weather. I miss the quiet times of eating with your special someone in a very ordinary place -- however your special someone makes everything out of the ordinary. I am a hopeless romantic and an eternal dreamer, but I have learned that reality isn't all that hard, once I understood how to accept it. I quote myself a few months back: being single is a choice.
Years ago, I've cursed everything for making me gay. I felt as if everything is twice as difficult because I was erroneous. I couldn't like the people I liked. People bullied me for being different from them. I've cried so much that my eyes dried up, unwilling to shed another teardrop. But, growing older, living life, and having friends that accepted me no matter who I was made me realize one thing: being gay is a choice. It might have been a choice I made without my full knowledge, but to no regrets. I have accepted who I am, and if given another choice, I'd still choose to be gay. It is who I am.
Being gay in a homophobic society isn't easy. It is a constant battle between fitting in and standing out. I admire all the gay people who step out of the closet, but I do respect all the gay men living in the darkest corners of it. Everyone has their own choices, and it is through my choices that I will make a difference, at least in my own life.
Destiny gives us chances; we make the choices.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Drew Manning's Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit
There is a personal trainer in America who's becoming obese in purpose.
Drew Manning, a certified gym rat rocking a chiseled body of 193 lbs, has gained about 70 lbs of fat deliberately. He has turned from lean to obese in over three and a half months. And news say he still has four more weeks into his self-ballooning. All his weight came from all sorts of junk food and sugary treats that he'd never touched before, coupled with him not exercising as regularly.
In the news, he explains that this is personal mission named Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit, and that he's currently in the Fit 2 Fat part. Manning shares that in becoming obese, he has taken for granted the simple, everyday things that he never had any problems when his stomach was still flat, such as tying shoelaces or clipping toenails. Now, at a staggering 261 lbs, he admits that he misses his old, energetic self, since when he gained all that extra weight, he has become sluggish and lazy. His point in doing so is that he wanted to understand how people who has problems with their weight feel, and prove that he can return to his regular, impressive physique. If he can do it, so can others, with nerves of steel, unwavering dedication, and unfaltering discipline at hand.
My personal conquest in gaining weight has become a battle of discipline, with me always losing day in and day out. I know the key in gaining weight is eating nutritious food and getting an ample amount of quality sleep. Yes, I have become more conscious about the food I eat, but I always end up staying until the wee hours of the morning, feeling sluggish in waking up the following day. I have been reminding myself constantly that I will never hit the gym until I learn the discipline that it requires. And true enough, I am correct in saying myself so.
Drew Manning, a certified gym rat rocking a chiseled body of 193 lbs, has gained about 70 lbs of fat deliberately. He has turned from lean to obese in over three and a half months. And news say he still has four more weeks into his self-ballooning. All his weight came from all sorts of junk food and sugary treats that he'd never touched before, coupled with him not exercising as regularly.
In the news, he explains that this is personal mission named Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit, and that he's currently in the Fit 2 Fat part. Manning shares that in becoming obese, he has taken for granted the simple, everyday things that he never had any problems when his stomach was still flat, such as tying shoelaces or clipping toenails. Now, at a staggering 261 lbs, he admits that he misses his old, energetic self, since when he gained all that extra weight, he has become sluggish and lazy. His point in doing so is that he wanted to understand how people who has problems with their weight feel, and prove that he can return to his regular, impressive physique. If he can do it, so can others, with nerves of steel, unwavering dedication, and unfaltering discipline at hand.
My personal conquest in gaining weight has become a battle of discipline, with me always losing day in and day out. I know the key in gaining weight is eating nutritious food and getting an ample amount of quality sleep. Yes, I have become more conscious about the food I eat, but I always end up staying until the wee hours of the morning, feeling sluggish in waking up the following day. I have been reminding myself constantly that I will never hit the gym until I learn the discipline that it requires. And true enough, I am correct in saying myself so.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Stepping Up: Floor (Part Sixteen)
One of the former team leads of Omega, who is now assigned in Atlanta, generously sent some cash for the team. Our project manager quickly elected to have a team lunch, thanks to the money our friend gave us.
While waiting for our order to arrive, our project manager cracked a joke in saying that he'll be leaving Omega, and that he'll form a new team consisting of all of the current leads of our team. With everyone laughing, one of my colleagues replied that that will be the end of Omega. But, our manager said that if ever the moon was shot, it would be the opportune time to step up and show our potentials as future leads.
At the back of my head, I wondered if the time will come when I will become a team lead. Ten months in, and I can't say that I'm willing to lead a team, let alone handle a person as my junior. I dislike being responsible for someone else, because from time to time, I feel that I don't have the capacity to take full responsibility over my own actions. I can proudly say that I have been stepping up and doing my best as a junior developer, but I can't say so when the time comes.
Maybe in time, I'll be ready. Just maybe.
While waiting for our order to arrive, our project manager cracked a joke in saying that he'll be leaving Omega, and that he'll form a new team consisting of all of the current leads of our team. With everyone laughing, one of my colleagues replied that that will be the end of Omega. But, our manager said that if ever the moon was shot, it would be the opportune time to step up and show our potentials as future leads.
At the back of my head, I wondered if the time will come when I will become a team lead. Ten months in, and I can't say that I'm willing to lead a team, let alone handle a person as my junior. I dislike being responsible for someone else, because from time to time, I feel that I don't have the capacity to take full responsibility over my own actions. I can proudly say that I have been stepping up and doing my best as a junior developer, but I can't say so when the time comes.
Maybe in time, I'll be ready. Just maybe.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Anticipation
If there is one word that can describe what I'm feeling right now, it's disappointed.
I've been very excited in buying something for myself. As I withdrew my hard earned savings, I wondered if it wasn't a selfish move on my part. Deciding that this one was for me, I anxiously waited in full anticipation for Sunday to arrive, only to find out that what I wanted to buy was out of stock. Sigh. I had the gut feel that it was the case, but I didn't pay attention. As I went home, I hid the heavy feeling that replaced my enthusiasm and put on a face that said everything was alright, even though it wasn't.
I'll be back on Saturday, anyways.
I've been very excited in buying something for myself. As I withdrew my hard earned savings, I wondered if it wasn't a selfish move on my part. Deciding that this one was for me, I anxiously waited in full anticipation for Sunday to arrive, only to find out that what I wanted to buy was out of stock. Sigh. I had the gut feel that it was the case, but I didn't pay attention. As I went home, I hid the heavy feeling that replaced my enthusiasm and put on a face that said everything was alright, even though it wasn't.
I'll be back on Saturday, anyways.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Out of Respect (Part Two)
Again, I've had another heated argument with my mom. It's not as bad as the last time, but still, she raised her irritated voice at me. I don't have any bad sentiments against my mom. I love her very much since she has given a lot of things I am thankful for. But I hope she understands that sometimes, things happen because of her.
Last week, I asked permission that my sister and I will be borrowing the car today and tomorrow, since we will be going to the dentist and to Greenhills, respectively. Asking if we have any plans to go out, she shook her head, and nodded in approval for us to take the car. But a few days ago, she said that they will be using the car tonight, since they will be fetching my dad's new prescription glasses. Being patient and accepting compromise, we adjusted our previously afternoon schedule to the dentist to a morning one instead. Saturday comes, and I wake up to find out that she went to the market, only to come back half past noon.
In whole honesty, I wasn't a bit surprised. I was actually expecting something like that to happen, because she always does that whenever we'll use the car.
My sister and I got back home at around five this afternoon, as agreed upon by my mom. She greets us by asking what took us so long, and that she was supposed to be picking up my dad at his office at that time. I told her that the dentist did a lot of work to both my sister and I. She snapped back with a raised tone that she was only asking and that I didn't need to be angry. Maybe she felt that I was raising my voice at her, but I wasn't. Deep inside, I wanted to tell her that our schedule was supposed to be early this morning, and that she came back after lunch.
Out of respect, I just walked away. I just hope she understands that a reason why we were late was because she was late as well. I know she does, that's why I'm disappointed.
Last week, I asked permission that my sister and I will be borrowing the car today and tomorrow, since we will be going to the dentist and to Greenhills, respectively. Asking if we have any plans to go out, she shook her head, and nodded in approval for us to take the car. But a few days ago, she said that they will be using the car tonight, since they will be fetching my dad's new prescription glasses. Being patient and accepting compromise, we adjusted our previously afternoon schedule to the dentist to a morning one instead. Saturday comes, and I wake up to find out that she went to the market, only to come back half past noon.
In whole honesty, I wasn't a bit surprised. I was actually expecting something like that to happen, because she always does that whenever we'll use the car.
My sister and I got back home at around five this afternoon, as agreed upon by my mom. She greets us by asking what took us so long, and that she was supposed to be picking up my dad at his office at that time. I told her that the dentist did a lot of work to both my sister and I. She snapped back with a raised tone that she was only asking and that I didn't need to be angry. Maybe she felt that I was raising my voice at her, but I wasn't. Deep inside, I wanted to tell her that our schedule was supposed to be early this morning, and that she came back after lunch.
Out of respect, I just walked away. I just hope she understands that a reason why we were late was because she was late as well. I know she does, that's why I'm disappointed.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Selfish?
I'm planning to buy something worth over half of my savings from work. I was so excited, but then I thought if I really wanted that thing that bad. Heck, I even thought if I needed it. With so many things happening around, a lot of people need any kind of help, even from strangers.
Strangers, huh?
But I've decided: it's a gift for myself from myself. It's about time that I started to think about myself, and not just each and every single person I see. Being selfish isn't my case here, it's just me curbing my overly altruistic self that usually denies me of what I want, or even what I really deserve.
Strangers, huh?
But I've decided: it's a gift for myself from myself. It's about time that I started to think about myself, and not just each and every single person I see. Being selfish isn't my case here, it's just me curbing my overly altruistic self that usually denies me of what I want, or even what I really deserve.
Monday, October 10, 2011
These Times
These kinds of times just really do happen. You feel you have a lot of things in your hands that you are forced to let some fall out of your grasp and wander away from your focus, even just a while.
I've been somewhat neglecting my blog. Either I have been really busy at work, or I am too tired to think of something meaningful to write to my future self. I just want to feel inspired, even if nothing is actually there to inspire me.
I've been somewhat neglecting my blog. Either I have been really busy at work, or I am too tired to think of something meaningful to write to my future self. I just want to feel inspired, even if nothing is actually there to inspire me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Missing Someone
"Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of times since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right there by your side."
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Freedom?
In economics, there is no such thing as a free meal. The true cost of anything is what one gives up in order to attain it. In each opportunity we choose to hold onto, there may be numerous other choices that we no longer have the ability to see and choose. It is certainly possible that we may never know what these opportune moments are, but the fact remains that these things can no longer be a part of our being.
In every single thing we choose, we certainly give up something else. A sacrifice of not choosing will definitely grant us new choices. Each has its own merits, but which one is better? I firmly believe that our freedom comes from our ability to make choices, but now, I'm having second thoughts. It seems that each time I make a decision, a small part of my freedom withers away, never to be seen again till the end of time.
In every single thing we choose, we certainly give up something else. A sacrifice of not choosing will definitely grant us new choices. Each has its own merits, but which one is better? I firmly believe that our freedom comes from our ability to make choices, but now, I'm having second thoughts. It seems that each time I make a decision, a small part of my freedom withers away, never to be seen again till the end of time.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Constitution (File 5)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 153lb 8oz / 69.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.2in / 186cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.1kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 100 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 69 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 10.7%
Fat Mass: 16lb 4oz / 7.4kg
Free Fat Mass: 137lb 3oz / 62.3kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 96 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 111 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 52 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 153lb 8oz / 69.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.2in / 186cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.1kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 100 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 69 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 10.7%
Fat Mass: 16lb 4oz / 7.4kg
Free Fat Mass: 137lb 3oz / 62.3kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 96 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 111 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 52 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Abroad
After a long wait, my passport has finally arrived. The grueling processing in the Department of Foreign Affairs resulted in a stiff document in brown sleeves. The very first thing that I thought was that it was a convenient item to have, since most application forms require proof of identity: a passport was one of those documents accepted. I have always had an "identity crisis" being not having enough identification that is recognized by banks or institutions. But then, I realized that hey, this is actually my passport. It had my face printed in shiny material on the first page of it. I realized that this same document will be my gateway to different places, hopefully all over the world. As far as I can remember, it has always been a dream of mine to travel to different countries and get exposed to beautiful places, know interesting cultures, and meet unique people.
And this document with a semblance to crisp money is the first key among many.
And this document with a semblance to crisp money is the first key among many.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Team Omega: Floor (Part Fifteen)
Omega, my team at work, had a night out at my boss' house last Friday. A lot of fun things happened, and in fact, it was one of the best night outs to date.
Looking at the current situation of our company, it seems that people are relatively dissatisfied at least about something. For others, it is the meager compensation as compared to other companies. For some people, it is about the people they are working with: either too bossy and self-centered, or just doesn't give a damn at all.
I have to say that am lucky that I feel pretty much content with what I have. The benefits can definitely better, but my consolation is that I am working with people who I get along with well. At least for now, that's enough.
Looking at the current situation of our company, it seems that people are relatively dissatisfied at least about something. For others, it is the meager compensation as compared to other companies. For some people, it is about the people they are working with: either too bossy and self-centered, or just doesn't give a damn at all.
I have to say that am lucky that I feel pretty much content with what I have. The benefits can definitely better, but my consolation is that I am working with people who I get along with well. At least for now, that's enough.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Simple Things: Floor (Part Fourteen)
Work today was one of those experiences wherein you tend to ask yourself if you'll wish for something more.
Time steadily soldiered onwards as the day progressed. I briefly explained how a part of our application worked to our two new teammates. I found it interesting that I managed to fluently explain how things went by -- and fluency isn't one of my best assets. Even more, I enjoyed myself in explaining how the processes went. Maybe it was just me enjoying a small, intimate group, or me having a great time in proving to myself that I could do it.
Right after that, I tagged along with a few friends of mine to eat some good old street food. It was then that I realized how I missed how nice vinegar and onions tasted on fishballs and kikiam. It was a slice of a shallow paradise -- the dusk sun slowly creeping away, the noise of vehicles rushing by, and of course, the smell of cooking oil frying some skewer delights.
I felt very mababaw, as a matter of fact. Sometimes, when things get very busy, I fail to see the simple things that make me feel content deep inside. And to me, those things are the things that matter the most.
Time steadily soldiered onwards as the day progressed. I briefly explained how a part of our application worked to our two new teammates. I found it interesting that I managed to fluently explain how things went by -- and fluency isn't one of my best assets. Even more, I enjoyed myself in explaining how the processes went. Maybe it was just me enjoying a small, intimate group, or me having a great time in proving to myself that I could do it.
Right after that, I tagged along with a few friends of mine to eat some good old street food. It was then that I realized how I missed how nice vinegar and onions tasted on fishballs and kikiam. It was a slice of a shallow paradise -- the dusk sun slowly creeping away, the noise of vehicles rushing by, and of course, the smell of cooking oil frying some skewer delights.
I felt very mababaw, as a matter of fact. Sometimes, when things get very busy, I fail to see the simple things that make me feel content deep inside. And to me, those things are the things that matter the most.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Out of Respect
A few days ago, my mom just snapped. She went into a furious episode of saying things out of anger. It started because she thought that my dad was the one who set up the dining table. We all know that my mom dislikes that, since my dad is the one working and putting food in the table. I understand her sentiment, but what she did back then was a little bit too far, in my opinion.
She burst into yelling and yelling about things all of us already know. Her feelings were she's the only one moving in the house to do chores, and it was us crossing the line when my dad starts to do them too. A little irritated, I told her without raising my voice that I was the one who set up the table, but she just shrugged it off, telling me how incomplete my job was. I just totally lost my appetite and walked away without saying anything else.
In my room, my brother told me that I shouldn't have done what I did. He thought that I just made things worse for all of us. I asked him if what I did was wrong. He said no, and before he could say anything else, I told him that if that's the case, how will I make things, ugly as they were, uglier? It was just me standing up for what I believed is right. Yes, I agree that my mom does most of the work, but it wasn't correct that she treated us lower than our pet dogs. All of us do something to help with the chores in the house, and it wasn't right for her to just snap out like that.
I'm not angry. Probably I'm just a little disappointed on my mom because I thought that she can be better than that. I respect her so much, and hopefully, she knows that I do.
She burst into yelling and yelling about things all of us already know. Her feelings were she's the only one moving in the house to do chores, and it was us crossing the line when my dad starts to do them too. A little irritated, I told her without raising my voice that I was the one who set up the table, but she just shrugged it off, telling me how incomplete my job was. I just totally lost my appetite and walked away without saying anything else.
In my room, my brother told me that I shouldn't have done what I did. He thought that I just made things worse for all of us. I asked him if what I did was wrong. He said no, and before he could say anything else, I told him that if that's the case, how will I make things, ugly as they were, uglier? It was just me standing up for what I believed is right. Yes, I agree that my mom does most of the work, but it wasn't correct that she treated us lower than our pet dogs. All of us do something to help with the chores in the house, and it wasn't right for her to just snap out like that.
I'm not angry. Probably I'm just a little disappointed on my mom because I thought that she can be better than that. I respect her so much, and hopefully, she knows that I do.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Constitution (File 4)
According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 11oz / 70.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 124 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 72 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.1%
Fat Mass: 17lb 2oz / 7.8kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 8oz / 62.9kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 81 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 133 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 68 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
--
Your Measurements:
--
Weight: 155lb 11oz / 70.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M
Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 124 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 72 mmHg
Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.1%
Fat Mass: 17lb 2oz / 7.8kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 8oz / 62.9kg
Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 81 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 133 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 68 P/min
--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Measurement: Floor (Part Thirteen)
Since I started working, I have believed that this career is not the career I will be in in the future. I am not saying that I do not like programming at all. Programming brings me a love-hate relationship: I love it during those times wherein I surmount a seemingly impossible obstacle, and I hate it during the times wherein I realize there is a seemingly impossible obstacle. It has been a constant cycle of loving and hating, and I have learned to like and accept it as an integral part of who I am today. For the past eight months, I have not totally regretted a day that has passed, however I can just imagine myself enjoying more in another career.
During my sophomore year in college, a senior shared his thoughts with the question if my course will make me happy. His stand was simple: if you find yourself constantly pushing your limits to do better each time, then yes, that is the course for you. However, if most of the time you find yourself bordering the lines of mediocrity and failure, then it's time to reconsider. There are plenty times wherein I answered the call to step up and persevere, but there are also the times wherein I told myself that I was tired, and let someone else carry the flag for all of us. Honestly, I am happy and content with what I am doing, but there are those times wherein I feel empty inside. A part of me wants to do something else, but another part of me is settled to being who I am now -- and that is what troubles me the most.
During my sophomore year in college, a senior shared his thoughts with the question if my course will make me happy. His stand was simple: if you find yourself constantly pushing your limits to do better each time, then yes, that is the course for you. However, if most of the time you find yourself bordering the lines of mediocrity and failure, then it's time to reconsider. There are plenty times wherein I answered the call to step up and persevere, but there are also the times wherein I told myself that I was tired, and let someone else carry the flag for all of us. Honestly, I am happy and content with what I am doing, but there are those times wherein I feel empty inside. A part of me wants to do something else, but another part of me is settled to being who I am now -- and that is what troubles me the most.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Cologne
A few weeks ago, I went out with someone who was very vocal in telling me that he liked me. He would constantly ask me how I was doing, how my day was turning out, and how I was feeling. He knew what I was going through, and fair enough, he was one of the people whom I believed would understand what was happening to me. I sincerely trusted his words of encouragement, to the point that I relied on him for support.
But I was afraid. I wasn't ready. I honestly didn't know if I liked him for being that way, or because of the fact that I was going through something painful and didn't want to be lonely. With his honesty in mind, I gathered enough courage to tell him that I wasn't so sure of what I felt for him. He gave me some time and space to consider what I was really feeling, but it came to the point wherein he just couldn't bare it any longer.
I was too selfish for my own good. I told him that I wanted to think of my own happiness first before others, and that I believed that during that time, being alone was the right thing to do. It didn't exactly bring me happiness, but it brought me happiness contained in the fact that I was doing what I believed to be the correct step forward. In a very civil and composed manner, he told me everything that I did or did not do that brought about him pain, and that it was better to forget about each other.
At first, I didn't want to let go. However, I thought that he didn't deserve to be chained down, waiting for a future that was uncertain. Telling him that I understood why he felt that way, I asked him if he'll accept my apology for a chance for him to be my friend. I really wanted him to be a good friend because of his very kind and honest heart, but he said he wasn't sure.
I felt so ashamed of myself.
A few weeks have passed, and I learned that he now has a boyfriend. I was not surprised because of that, but what bewildered me was how I felt when I learned about it. It was a mix of four strong emotions that had a crude blend. The result was something unpleasant, but I managed to fight it off and tell myself that at least, he will forget about me.
The thing I regret doing was me taking him for granted. Yes, I was going through a lot, but it was not enough an excuse to take someone important for granted. I just sort of believed that he would understand me as he underwent the same things that I went through, and that was wrong. In the end, I only caused him pain, which was something he didn't deserve at all.
Until now, I am still uncertain about my feelings for him. But now, I have no more reason to think about it. Going back to the happier times, I asked him what was the cologne he wore when we went out. He wouldn't tell, and said that he'll give me some as a gift since I really liked it. As I was doing my groceries yesterday, I curiously picked up a bottle of cologne and tried it out -- it was his. Putting the small bottle in my basket, I wondered if my decision some weeks ago was the right thing.
It was. Painful as it may have been, but it was.
But I was afraid. I wasn't ready. I honestly didn't know if I liked him for being that way, or because of the fact that I was going through something painful and didn't want to be lonely. With his honesty in mind, I gathered enough courage to tell him that I wasn't so sure of what I felt for him. He gave me some time and space to consider what I was really feeling, but it came to the point wherein he just couldn't bare it any longer.
I was too selfish for my own good. I told him that I wanted to think of my own happiness first before others, and that I believed that during that time, being alone was the right thing to do. It didn't exactly bring me happiness, but it brought me happiness contained in the fact that I was doing what I believed to be the correct step forward. In a very civil and composed manner, he told me everything that I did or did not do that brought about him pain, and that it was better to forget about each other.
At first, I didn't want to let go. However, I thought that he didn't deserve to be chained down, waiting for a future that was uncertain. Telling him that I understood why he felt that way, I asked him if he'll accept my apology for a chance for him to be my friend. I really wanted him to be a good friend because of his very kind and honest heart, but he said he wasn't sure.
I felt so ashamed of myself.
A few weeks have passed, and I learned that he now has a boyfriend. I was not surprised because of that, but what bewildered me was how I felt when I learned about it. It was a mix of four strong emotions that had a crude blend. The result was something unpleasant, but I managed to fight it off and tell myself that at least, he will forget about me.
The thing I regret doing was me taking him for granted. Yes, I was going through a lot, but it was not enough an excuse to take someone important for granted. I just sort of believed that he would understand me as he underwent the same things that I went through, and that was wrong. In the end, I only caused him pain, which was something he didn't deserve at all.
Until now, I am still uncertain about my feelings for him. But now, I have no more reason to think about it. Going back to the happier times, I asked him what was the cologne he wore when we went out. He wouldn't tell, and said that he'll give me some as a gift since I really liked it. As I was doing my groceries yesterday, I curiously picked up a bottle of cologne and tried it out -- it was his. Putting the small bottle in my basket, I wondered if my decision some weeks ago was the right thing.
It was. Painful as it may have been, but it was.
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