Truth (Part Three)

This series of posts, entitled 'Truth', contains a whole lot of sarcastic resentment and bitterness about the things that happened for the past year and a half. I do not place expletives or vulgarity in my posts, but in the light of the events that happened, censoring these will not fully capture the feelings I am trying to bring out. If you, dear reader, find the above pathetic or offensive in any way, please do yourself a favor and close this tab.

Future Nox, I dedicate this to you. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.
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My ex dropped me a line last Friday:

ayaw ko ng mag sorry kase paulit ulit na lang ,saka na lang siguro pag natama ko na yung mali ko sa sarili ko.

tinatanggap ko naman na naging obsess ako

pakialamero..sana hinayaan na lang kita

pero hanggang sana na lang yun kase nagawa ko

wala na akong magagawa dun kundi lumayo na lang sayo

thanks for everything !

The first few words that immediately popped into my mind was and fuck you too. Sana hinayaan mo na lang talaga ako, pakialamero. We've been through this for at least four times, sans the pakialamero part. I always felt a strong sense of compassion sweep inside me every time we had this conversation, but last Friday was different. I'd admit I still felt some soft feelings inside me, but I forced myself to wear a poker face, shrug indifferently, and harden my calloused heart.

alam mo naman pala eh bakit kinailangan mo pang gawin lahat ng ginawa mo?

sa susunod wag ka lang hanggang "sana"

gawin mo

first friday ngayon

nagmisa ako

nung pinikit ko mata ko para magdasal

tangina naluha ako

kunin mo na lahat ng gamit mo sa bahay

intindihin mo na ayaw na kitang makausap, di ko na sasabihin ang dahilan

alam mo na yun

hindi mo na kailangan magpaliwanag kasi bale wala na rin

alagaan mo na lang sarili mo palagi

kaya mo yan

salamat

goodbye

i'm sorry if i sound so mean

pero kailangan ko ito gawin

kailangan natin itong dalawa

See? Until the end, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was still quite worried about him. He's at his weakest and needs help, but that help would not be coming from me.

And to think that my ex doubted me that I loved him to the point that I doubted even myself. But after all that happened, I'd just swallow what was once my true feelings and tell myself that I never really loved him to begin with. It makes things far more easier and simpler. Why? I'm so broken right now that I cannot afford to have a strenuous emotional life: I'd implode from all the pressure and much unwanted stress and tension. Besides, I don't love him anymore. Rather, I'd love him to leave my life.

I don't regret anything that I went through, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to experience all the fuck and shit that has happened. Regret won't grant me anything but a desire for vengeance. I'd rather treasure all the bitter realities I've learned and experienced to build myself anew.

This time, I'm really leaving without you.