I was telling my best friend earlier this morning that I was particularly down this Christmas season because I had nothing to look forward to. I told him that I always made a point to look forward to something each and every time Christmas made its presence known by the cold evenings of December. I never wanted anything material for Christmas since I always waited for something that will be of worth to me even after many years have passed, no matter how small it seemed. I just wanted to be happy, or at the very least, content.
A lot of things have happened to me for the year that is starting to close its final pages, and I guess what I can wish for this Christmas is that nothing more will happen that will push me to wear a fake and empty smile once again. I know keeping this in my heart will bring me a separate peace only I understand, but even so, I am no longer content. I've always told myself it was far more important to be content than to be happy, but looking back at everything that has happened, I am no longer content in just being content. I'm sad that I'm slowly starting to unlearn the idea that has kept me going through all these emotional problems. Maybe all I want is the ability to actually tell myself I am completely content and happy and desire for nothing else.
But even so, I know I'll pull through this Christmas, even if it's the emptiest one ever in my life. I've made it through my particularly unbecoming of a birthday, what more Christmas?
I know I will. Ako pa.
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