Midnight

After four years of being with me, my laptop, Midnight, is sadly showing signs that he's bound for a replacement sometime soon.

A few weeks before, I've noticed that his backlights were failing. A few days ago, it happened: the backlights died out, which made Midnight true to his name. After a night's stay in the shop and whipping out a relatively sizable amount of money, he's back with me to write this entry. Being the first time in Midnight's stay with me that I needed to ask for a technician to patch him up, it bothered me to the point that I was very happy and relieved that he's fine again. Even if the problem wasn't too critical, the thought of me losing Midnight made me furrow my forehead in deep worry.

If there was something that knows me the most after all these years, it would definitely be Midnight. We've been through thick and thin: he's seen my happiest moments, and he's also been a part of the gloomy events that I learned a lot from. Midnight is a one of the testaments of what I have become and what I have created, and losing him would mean losing yet again a big part of the things I hold dear.

But alas, it is sad to say that I confide in an inanimate being, never able to return the emotions I deeply need.

I've lost so much, but I decided to remain strong. But it would definitely break me if I would lose you, Midnight.

Complete

Mere seconds before midnight, we gathered round our humble feast to thank for our blessings that we have received for the past year. As soon as we closed our prayers, everybody was eager to delve into their own plates full of food to silence their rumbling stomachs. The special meal was made extraordinary by the people celebrating the spirit of sharing and happiness.

Christmas. I didn't mind the empty feeling inside because I realized that at least for today, it wasn't important. What mattered most was that my relatives in the province, despite their differences with one another, came together as one family to enjoy the moment. The cold breeze that echoed outside the house was blanketed by the warm smiles everybody had inside the old home full of each others' fond memories.

My Christmases will never be incomplete ever again. In my own little way, I have learned how to embrace one of the true meanings of the season. We were crowned by a dark, unfriendly, and starless sky, but that didn't stop me to shine a small light of hope in my heart in search for a separate peace I've long yearned for.

Alone (Part Two)

For the past few weeks or so, I've been thinking about going back again to that site. Sure, I've lost my account because of things beyond my control, but nothing else is keeping me from creating a new account. I can freely create a new account and avoid putting pictures that will make me recognizable. But for after so long, I still remain steadfast in my decision of not going back to the site any longer, even if my own reason is unclear even for myself.

But I've got things straight now: it is all because of fear.

In no way am I willing to risk just for the sake of being happy together with a special someone. The things that I went through were too much that up until now, remnants of it still appear in my head from time to time. Looking back, I am amazed that I allowed everything that transpired in the past to actually happen. With reasons now unclear after letting all love and concern go, the only thing left now is fear after anger silently eroded away with time.

I'd be a total, hypocrite liar if I said that I'm not hoping for someone who'll prove me wrong. Sadly enough,  that person already came almost three years ago and proved me wrong: not that I would never find someone that I'll be happy with, but that there was something else much more painful than being alone.

In reality, I still do not find strength within me. My confidence is always impeded by insecurities I know I can overcome, but do not. Whatever the case, I'm slowly inching forward: I find strength in the solace of a separate peace, a silent world only I can see and hear.

Alone Under a Starless Sky

So many things are happening. Things I thought were slowly healing and moving on were actually lies. I find myself once again walking on the boulevard of broken dreams, alone.

As I walked home at three in the morning, I saw a streak of light shoot in the night sky. Out of impulse, I wished for something, only to realize that it was something that will never come true.

I may be sad, but I am not weak.

Anger Under a Starless Sky

I felt so angry yesterday evening that I was pushed to tears. The feeling of hostility filled me to the limits that I wanted to destroy anything that came into my reach. Wanting to tear everything piece by piece, I punched a wall and felt my fist scream in pain. I let the pain fill my body to calm it. But a few minutes after, I slowly felt anger once again reigning my mind, and all I could do to stop it was to cry.

Everything had to happen in a single day. I tried to hold on for as long as I could, but my strength wasn't enough.

I laid on my bed and stared outside the window. Under the stillness of the night, I found myself wiping my tears under a starless sky.