Disinterest

I have liked someone a lot over the past few weeks. Someone and I have been exchanging messages for that duration. I thought he was nice and down-to-earth, only to find out that everything aside, he was just like any other person out "there".

Again, I find myself losing interest in him. I can easily say I have genuine feelings for him. At first, I thought he felt the same, but now after a few weeks and a few revelations, I cannot help but reconsider.

A part of me says no, while the remaining part says go. I don't want to be only an option. I want to be the only choice.

One Sentence Two

Destiny gives me chances; I make the choices.

Drifting Apart?

Today, a friend of mine and I had a quarrel about something petty, I suppose.

Our relationship has been like that of a tide and a shore. The waves go about a perpetual crash in and slide out, while the patient shore quietly accepts its fate. For the past few months, we have been going in and out of phases; like riding a wild, wild ride. Sometimes, we are at a tall, craggy tor, and there are these times wherein I feel we are deep down, rock bottom. I envy the tide and the shore, for they will be nothing without the other. The fact is different from us, after all, both of us are human.

I have so many things that I want to say, but in this situation, I think it's best to just shut up, swallow, and put my guts up.

Lost in Thought

It was already half past seven, and the rains were still pouring down. Half upset, I decided to soldier home under the cold air that irritated me.

Wanting to go home at the earliest time possible, I signaled the very first jeep I saw to stop. A passenger alighted the vehicle, but an old man sneaked past me and took the vacant seat. With my patience at its end, I was about to descend from the vehicle when the driver shouted there was room for one more. But the truth was there was only room for my bag.

I asked for patience. I was being given reasons to be patient.

With the rain dying down to a drizzle, I grunted at the driver to let me get off. I picked up my pace and was soon clambering down on the low seat of a tricycle. My patience was really being stretched to its limits, as I was getting frustrated about the most trivial of things. I just wanted to go home, that was all.

The tricycle driver asked me what street I wanted to go. Usually, I automatically say the street I live in, but this time, my tongue fumbled and my consciousness suddenly scattered. I mumbled a jumble of illiterate words before the driver understood what I said.

I just wanted to go home. But why did I want to get home that bad?

Wet

Yet again, so many things have happened.

But I'm being pathetic enough for my future self. Nothing is coming into my senses. I'm not being overly dramatic about what's happening, it's just that for the past few days, I've been going in and out of phases I thought I was over with.

I can't tap my command over prose. I simply cannot think straight. I'm all over the place, just like these rains that send dry, peaceful people into a state of frenzied wetness.

Wait

A lot of things have happened over the past week. My family and I went to the marvelous Pagsanjan Falls. My company went to Nasugbu, Batangas for the annual summer outing. People came in and stepped out of my life. Work is never stable, just like the undulating waves forever crashing down on a dirtied shore.

Now then, where do my priorities lie?

I still feel so scattered. I don't exactly feel emotionally tired, but I don't feel full of vigor either. I'm still here, waiting for that something to ignite the optimism I once flared across the midnight sky.

Waiting, patiently waiting.

Emptiness

And then, I feel empty.

I dislike the uncertain feeling after saying one is happy. Of course, when one is up, there is nowhere to go but down.

My emotions feel so distraught. I don't know why, but they seem all over the place. Happy, sad, in the verge of tears, drunk in a bask of euphoria -- name it, I have it. I feel so energetic and lethargic at the same time. I still feel alive and complete, but a part of me feels dead empty.

I hope something happens. It doesn't matter if it is good or bad; I don't care. I hope something happens so this feeling of emptiness would vanish into the past, fleeting into another confusing phase of life.

You Know, That Feeling

Today, I took the day off because I endured a mind breaking eight hour overtime. The issue we were fixing was marked as a critical one. No matter what happened, we had to fix it, and we did. It was already four in the morning, and I hadn't eaten dinner yet.

I wanted to go half day, but my body refused. I woke up at two in the afternoon.

As the humid day went on, I received a text. It was from the person who made me feel it was the end of the road. I had already moved on, but then, I receive a text from him. A part of me wants to go back, but the stronger part of me soldiered forward into leaving the past behind.

And just a while ago, an online friend of mine living in Paris asked me if he can go out with me when he came home this month. We have been exchanging messages for almost two months, and he seems a decent guy. I'm a little afraid that he can't fluently speak English or Filipino, but I'm trying to believe in myself and not to get crippled by my anxieties.

It has been a long time since I felt kilig. It is always nice to know that the person one likes to know better shares the same sentiment. The feeling overwhelmed me for only less than two minutes -- compared to before which lasts for hours, or even days. With that, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I have grown stronger and slowly weaned myself out of the horrible grasp of being desperate.

End of the Road

Some things are better off ended.

It makes life much more easier to handle. Ending things is painful, however with that pain, one starts a renewal. Once the wounds have healed, a person is reborn. Stronger or weaker: it depends on the choices one will make.

In that pain lies sweet sorrow, a reminder that one is alive, yearning for solace in the ironies of life.