Selfish?

I'm planning to buy something worth over half of my savings from work. I was so excited, but then I thought if I really wanted that thing that bad. Heck, I even thought if I needed it. With so many things happening around, a lot of people need any kind of help, even from strangers.

Strangers, huh?

But I've decided: it's a gift for myself from myself. It's about time that I started to think about myself, and not just each and every single person I see. Being selfish isn't my case here, it's just me curbing my overly altruistic self that usually denies me of what I want, or even what I really deserve.

Freedom?

In economics, there is no such thing as a free meal. The true cost of anything is what one gives up in order to attain it. In each opportunity we choose to hold onto, there may be numerous other choices that we no longer have the ability to see and choose. It is certainly possible that we may never know what these opportune moments are, but the fact remains that these things can no longer be a part of our being.

In every single thing we choose, we certainly give up something else. A sacrifice of not choosing will definitely grant us new choices. Each has its own merits, but which one is better? I firmly believe that our freedom comes from our ability to make choices, but now, I'm having second thoughts. It seems that each time I make a decision, a small part of my freedom withers away, never to be seen again till the end of time.

Choices?

No matter how firm my belief in making choices are, there are still moments wherein I seriously doubt my capability of choosing the right thing to do. I always feel that the decisions I make aren't the choice that will make people the happiest. With all the things going on right now, I start to question which is the better choice: the one that will make people happy, or the one that will make people better.

Only time can tell, and only if time gave a proper response during times like these.

Pity?

As I waited under the unusually crowded shed across my office, a familiar face emerged and stood out of the sea of strangers I was in. He was one of the blue-collars working inside our office. I have to admit that at first glance, I didn't like him. But as time passed, my interest in him grew.

I do not know his name or where he came from. Neither do I know how his voice sounds like. All I know is he works at the office, and I see him each and every day that passes.

Standing at a distance, I stole small glimpses to appease my urge to at least know his name. I found it a little humorous that as I was silently checking him out, he was furtively staring at the pretty girl standing near him. I chuckled a little bit because of how awkward the situation was. He never paid attention to my presence, and soon after, he caught a ride home. As soon as he left, my knees started to tremble uncontrollably. Trying to strengthen my weakened knees, I stepped backwards and looked at the pretty girl that he was sighting.

I felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I questioned what I was really feeling: attraction, or just plain pity. And if it was a wrong kind of mercy, was it for him, or for myself?

Altruism?

I waved my hand in order for the jeep to stop and take me home.

As I sat inside the dimly lit seating of the jeep, I discreetly looked at the other people riding along with me, a routine that I usually do as soon as I have seated squarely inside the vehicle. Every night, I look at the different expressions of people hailing from all walks of life, and every night, I ask Him to keep everyone on board safe and sound.

What caught my attention was the little girl who was being embraced by her mother, and the lady sitting beside them. The girl had this innocent look in her eyes as she was staring on the box of pizza the lady had sitting adjacent to her. As I was silently watching her from a short distance away, I cannot deny myself to think what I actually felt. There was an urge of wanting to help, but for what reason? Out of gentle kindness, or out of sheer pity?

As I pondered on what was happening, the little girl slowly slouched, let out a deep sigh, and turned away from what enchanted her for so long. It was as if she realized something, and upon that, lost all interest in what the lady was toting. It wasn't long before I knocked loudly to signal the modest driver to grind his vehicle to a halt.

Life is such. People seek to understand it, but no one fully grasps its meaning. We use our heart and our reason to find a rhyme in a song that we never really hear or sing.

Confession?

I'm in a point wherein I want to tell somebody that I really like him. However, I am not certain if the person likes me as well, or if I am denying the fact that he likes me too. Liking and loving somebody are two different things, and I know for certain that I am not in the level of loving him. I have to admit, he has constantly been in my head for the past few days. Before, I would just shrug the feeling off, and it would slowly melt away. But I have noticed in the past couple of days that even if I brush it aside, I find myself teetering into thinking about him. I would like to know him more, because I want to understand him more as a person.

However, I'm afraid that I'm just using my feelings towards him as a tool to move on. I wanted to move on using my own two feet, however I wasn't given the chance to do so. Maybe I was, and this path I'm treading is a result of my decision. It was possible that I found myself in a diverging path: one walking to no, the other leading to go. I took the chance and followed him. Hopefully, whatever the outcomes may be, I would be proud of what I will become, molded by the choices that I have made.

Drifting Apart?

Today, a friend of mine and I had a quarrel about something petty, I suppose.

Our relationship has been like that of a tide and a shore. The waves go about a perpetual crash in and slide out, while the patient shore quietly accepts its fate. For the past few months, we have been going in and out of phases; like riding a wild, wild ride. Sometimes, we are at a tall, craggy tor, and there are these times wherein I feel we are deep down, rock bottom. I envy the tide and the shore, for they will be nothing without the other. The fact is different from us, after all, both of us are human.

I have so many things that I want to say, but in this situation, I think it's best to just shut up, swallow, and put my guts up.

Heart Broken?

Mind the question mark at the end.

I dislike the feeling of liking someone even before knowing that someone. The thought bears a heavy load in my heart. As tough as it may sound, I keep on telling myself that what I am feeling is wrong; that it should be the other way around. The idealistic me believes that liking someone only follows after knowing that someone.

Sigh.

A friend of mine told me that there isn't anything wrong about liking someone first. He said that it is very much normal and realistic in having ulterior motives in knowing and building a friendship with a person. In a blunt tongue, he told me that if I weren't attracted to the person in the first place, would I be spending much needed time in thinking about him? No, I thought. He will be just another stranger who will just pass by and remain unknown, like the hundreds of strangers I cross paths with everyday. Strangers, who remain as just strangers.

It doesn't hurt to be realistic, but being completely realistic isn't too well either. Being idealistic isn't bad, but being overly idealistic is worse. Realists with ideals close to their core principles and idealists who keep an open eye to the real world are the means to those extremes, but I think what matters more is one's own happiness and contentment with what life happens to give.

Holy Holiday?

A friend of mine thinks that most people doesn't care that this week is Holy Week. He told me that what people look forward to the Lenten season isn't the opportunity for a deepening of one's spirituality, but the chance to kick back and relax in a sought after vacation.

All I could say was that's how it goes.