On Tears and Goodbyes

My brother and his girlfriend has been together for the past couple of years. They have been together through thick and thin, holding on tighter and tighter as they face trials that steel their relationship and their wills as well. The most saddening event that unraveled in their life that I was able to take a small part on was when Ate Dyan's mother passed away. That mournful incident left four sisters without parents, and made Ate Dyan, Kuya's significant other, the breadwinner of their family. I can't imagine the sorrow she and her sisters must have felt that time, despite their very cheerful predisposition and outlook in life.

That was one time when I told myself that Kuya really loved Ate Dyan to the deepest depths of his heart, and Ate Dyan returning with an equal embrace of love stemming from her kind heart.

Since then, our family has treated Ate Dyan, Ate SM, Emer, and Incy as our own. My mom, being a person overflowing with maternal guidance and kindness, welcomed them to our family with an open heart. Whatever problem Ate Dyan and her sisters would face, our family, headed by Kuya and Mamie, would extend a generous hand in sincere help and love.

We have grown close to them.

Being the breadwinner of her family, Ate Dyan decided to take her chances abroad. She applied, and with luck being a lady, was accepted to be a crew on board a luxury cruise liner. With her leaving later this morning, we had dinner yesterday night with her family and a few cousins of hers as a despedida. Incy, the youngest of the four, was unable to contain her feelings as a few tears rolled down her cheeks. Ate Dyan will only be away for ten months, but still, ten months is ten months. I was moved on how Ate Dyan and her sisters loved one another, even if they did not express it in concrete ways.

The trip back home was silent -- most of us were tired, or were a little down since Ate Dyan is leaving (Ate SM, Emer, and Incy is sleeping in with us tonight as Ate Dyan will be leaving early today). Kuya looked anxious, worried, and down, but still had a determined look in his eyes. The feeling was somewhat infectious as I started to feel down as well, but probably because of the fact that I treat Ate Dyan as a part of the family now.

In the highest of hopes, I wish Ate Dyan the best of luck. Take care always, and goodbye, for now.

Yet Again, Pride

Sometimes, I do not listen to what I'm saying to myself. Either I'm just a very blunt pothead, or things can't be changed in an instantaneous snap. Hopefully, it's the second one.

I have posted an entry about pride and me, and our affairs with one another. Today, I wanted to wring my neck dry because yet again, I refused to swallow my ego and stubbornly decided to complete the task at hand with minimal questions whatsoever. Because of the new topic, I was in the state of pangangapa -- that is, I was slowly trying to understand our lesson in greater detail and apply it to our exercise. However, as time was running out, I was slowly sinking into a pit of despair. Several lines of code did not want to work even if it was supposed to. It was just then that I asked a colleague of mine about it -- and all it took to fix the error was less than sixty seconds.

Nothing is wrong with asking questions, for as long as those questions aren't stupid. Good god.

Training Room One

Sir Ahm announced to us that within two weeks, we will be assigned to different projects in the floor. One topic and one final project are the only requirements that are separating us from being officially "hired" by the company.

After almost two months of training, I still don't know what to expect. I have grown used to being a trainee: the glass walls that confine us within the cold, training room serve as an almost imperceptible sense of security. I have grown used to the taste of the privilege of mistakes, as the training room provides a ground where errors are welcomed with positive and constructive criticism.

I just don't know what to expect, really.

For now, I will embrace being a fledgling; however, there must come a time where I must learn to spread my wings and take flight in my own accord.

Good luck.

Trust

The jeep I rode on my way home was driven by a middle aged man. He looked like he was in his late fifties, and had an interesting air around him. His face had an indescribable smile -- indescribable in the fact that I can't determine if he was smiling or his facial structure was so. I paid my fare, and he gave me my change after rummaging through his improvised money container.

He gave me eleven pesos as change. Jeeps I ride home usually get ten pesos, so I returned the extra peso to the sincere-looking man. But, he refused to accept it, saying that the fare was actually nine pesos.

I liked the old man for his honesty. These days, people like him are rare to find. In a world where so little trust is given, he made me say to myself that our society still has some hope left. Overly melodramatic? Maybe a little. But for me, change will not start from the big people pulling the strings. Change will start in each and every one of us, and hopefully, it is a change for the better.

Plateau

Yes, I have hit a plateau in my quest to be of normal weight.

For the first six weeks in my weight gain routine, I have gained and maintained a respectable ten pounds. It doesn't really matter what those ten pounds are composed of. I'm just ecstatic on the fact that I have gained such weight and maintaining it. Being severely underweight has been a condition of mine for over ten years (yes, there was a time I was chabelito, but I lost weight because my brother always ridiculed me -- the weight hasn't come back ever since), and being heavier by a full ten pounds is a big feat for someone like me. However, after that period of time, I have stopped gaining weight.

I have stopped gaining weight, and hopefully I won't lose weight anytime soon.

My weight plateaued, one reason being not being able to eat as much as I would like to, because of the pressing things I have to face at training everyday. Before, I had all the time to eat when I want to, but now, I had to at least reach a milestone of mine before I am able to snack. Another, more alarming reason is that I am slacking off. I've been skipping my strength training regimen for any reason I come up with. The discipline I've so proudly told myself before is now slowly getting duller, tarnished by whatever vice in comforts my body pleases.

Snap. Wake up now. Wake up!

Leadership

Things just happen, that is why most of the time, I like to work alone. If ever I need to work on a project with a team, I'd like a clear separation of labor so that things neatly fall into place, probably with a few mishaps here and there. Things just happen, and I let it be making it just happen.

I dislike this lack of action in my part. Pretty disappointing.

For the very first time, we were given an exercise to be performed within a group. At first, I was pretty much excited because I was grouped with people I deemed to be diligent and very much dependable, making me feel blanketed with security. All was going well, until the task was divided: each was to try to do the whole exercise, but with a specific area to focus on. Nothing was wrong with the approach, what kept bugging me was the fact that one member of the group wasn't given any specific problem to deal with. I had to admit, with all due respect, that amongst us four, that person had the least capacity to accomplish the task, however still had the capacity to do so. As I coded several classes required for the project, I was thinking about that friend of mine. It was like she was not trusted at all. Unable to contain myself, I approached my friend and asked her to concentrate on an area of the project. However, much to my dismay, the person who stood as our leader ended up assigning the task to the other person in our group.

More likely, I am just over complicating and over thinking things, since I usually have the tendency to do so. I did not know if my friend liked the fact that she was not given any specific task, meaning there was no given pressure on her part. I never knew if she thought that she was a misfit in the group, or if she did not give a damn about the situation at all.

For me, leaders should watch over the people following them. Leaders are not simply flag bearers who represent and direct orders to people. The measure of leadership, in my opinion, is in how well other people grow under one's guidance, and how great those under his leadership desire to share the knowledge they have gained.

Compassion?

After settling into the tattered seat of the bus earlier today, a lady seated behind me stood up, and started to mutter a hackneyed sermon which I'm sure everyone is familiar about. She was one of those people who randomly starts to preach about the Bible, often quoting from the books of Ecclesiastics and Revelations. I'm not sure what religious sect she belonged to, but she sounded as if she truly believed in what she was saying and doing. Yes, her voice still had little hints of doubt, probably coming from the uncertainty whether passengers would listen to her, but her voice still resonated with a tone of dedication and faith. With no other form of entertainment inside the vehicle, I started to listen to the lady, but the bus was too noisy for me to hear her clearly. Despite this, I distinctly remember hearing her pray twice: first for a safe trip, and the other for the concupiscence of the humankind.

What followed was of course, she handing out white envelopes to the other passengers, against their will or not. However, my ride was over; I hastily descended the steps of the bus covered in the pungent odor of stale water, and hurried towards my office building.

I tried to listen to the lady's words out of care and compassion, but it wasn't the same compassion I felt for the poor waif and her children. The difference did not lie because she was well dressed and the other was in worn out, bemire clothing; it had something to do with the lingering thought I was left with.

After seeing the small scene inside the bus, I felt most lackadaisical. Honestly, it was saddening to put a languorous mood on such a wonderful, sunny day.

Sigh. The facts of life, I guess?

Pride

For the past few weeks, I have been having sour thoughts about me taking training. I've had very difficult times, but I rarely asked a question to anybody: to our instructors, or to my batchmates. The idea running in my mind was I wanted to complete the problem through my own knowledge and understanding, even if my inner self was screaming and imploring for any kind of help. I've always wanted to prove to myself I could do it.

It was as if I was telling to myself in sheer pride that I was so magnificent and great that I do not need any help. But the truth of the matter was I humbly needed for any friendly advice. Just a little push towards the right direction was all I wanted and needed, but the monster named pride has devoured each and every little nibble of humility capable of asking a question for a much needed answer.

Now, things are going much nicer. I still pursue to complete our exercises in my own command over the matter, but when things get stuck in a rut, I tap a knowledgeable friend on the shoulder and ask how to tackle the problem.

Crash

Okay.

Midnight has been crashing since yesterday night. What gives?

Yes, it is one of those short posts again.

Little Steps

I find it hard to set long-term goals that cannot be broken down into smaller, more manageable periods wherein gratification is easily attained. I set checkpoints to serve as motivations to push myself forward towards that long-awaited finish line. Making smaller goals out of a much bigger one is easier, since there will always be some more room for improvement, or some slack if the going gets tough.

Take my conquest to attain a healthy weight, for example. I've been underweight for almost all my life, as I have let my lanky genes decide my outer appearance. At a little over six feet tall, I weigh only about 130lbs -- about ten pounds underweight. I've been trying to gain weight ever since I knew I was unhealthily skinny, but always remained at that weight. What happened was if ever I would gain a few pounds, I would slack off too much and lose all that hard-gained weight. However, during the past few weeks, I decided to break my goal into smaller parts working toward the same, bigger goal. Now, my goal is to at least maintain whatever weight I gain, and so far, I'm doing well. With determination and discipline, I have gained at least eight pounds in six weeks, and maintaining it. I've grown a little on my waist, but I definitely feel stronger due to the effort I place in strength training.

With this experience, I have learned "how to dream properly", for the lack of a better term. It's no use to rush goals to completion, because what matters in the road to one's victories is the journey, and not reaching the top itself. For me, a goal is truly a victory if when I look back, I'll see all the small defeats, wins, and lessons that I have experienced.

Not an Option

Sometimes, proving one's worth to one's self is harder than proving one's mettle to other people. Other people can judge; praise or critique a person's achievements based on those judgments. But for a person who likes to always do his best, the feeling of satisfaction is never attained until the beast which craves for perfection is silenced.

Failure is not an option. Mediocrity can be handled and digested with a disgusted expression across the face, but not being able to do something isn't acceptable.

I find it hard to comprehend how I am afraid to fail. Yes, I like failures because in these grounds new lessons are learned, but still, I dislike to fail. What I do not like about the experience of failing is the package that goes with it. One cannot simply fail at one thing, because failing will bring a whole load of other meanings. If one fails, it may bring a smudge in your reputation to other people, but more importantly, it will cause a deep, seemingly endless trench of disappointment inside one's self. Maybe I'm afraid to fail because I don't believe in my own abilities enough to say that I can do it. I know I can accomplish many feats that I alone can do, but the problem is, I don't believe I can. Knowing and believing are two different things.

It's just unpleasant to feel buried in a feeling of failure when one is proving one's self to oneself. Couple that with the sad feeling of not trusting one's own self.

Example

The lesson we are tackling in our training right now seemed very difficult for us. It was partly frustrating and exciting: frustrating because of the fact that the lesson was basically just an application of two past lessons; exciting because it was something familiar yet new. Whatever we felt, we all agreed on the same thing: it was something very challenging to understand well. The reason: there weren't any concrete examples for us to get a fuller grasp of the topic. However, that was the challenge -- to understand the lesson by one's self and apply it, because in the reality of life, there isn't always an example to follow.

As I partially understood the lesson, I revised my code and it worked, in one way or another.

Examples become examples because there are people who strive to understand what needs to be understood, and share the light to those who remain in the dark. Examples are testaments to victories, big or small, and proof that nothing is impossible when one wills to do it.

Less

Yes, there is absolutely more traffic during the past few weeks. But finally, our training has been moved to UP-Ayala Technohub. My two-hour commute will be cut down to a mere thirty minutes or less because of my proximity to the office.

Miss Mitch brought the news before we went home tonight. I was overly ecstatic to hear it, since the second reason why I decided to join Pointwest was because of its location. I gave out a big sigh of relief, and then burst into a big grin as my batchmates discussed how to get to our new training facility. After the long awaited news have sunk in, I realized I will miss the faces I have grown comfortable to during the past month.

As I logged out and tapped my key card for a possible final time, I silently thanked all the people I'm leaving in Makati who made my settling into the company a little easier. Surely, I'll miss all the random chat, laughs, and smiles we had shared during the short time we were together.

Now, it's time to make new friends once again.

More Traffic

I know I should kick off February with a nice, positive post, but the traffic conditions in one of the major roads I travel everyday is getting worse and I, along with other commuters, aren't too enthusiastic about it. I don't want to say that I'm impatiently enraged, because I am not. I can't stop myself and question the mettle of the people governing our country. Do they actually base new rules and regulations on factual data and actual research, or do they just lash out these decrees on a whim, causing much confusion to an unprepared group of commuters?

Take Commonwealth Avenue for example. The authorities are strictly enforcing all public utility vehicles on the yellow lane, giving out proper sanctions to those caught violating the rule. They did such thing because many lives have been wasted in countless car accidents because of recklessness. Jeeps and buses zoom on the road as if it was their own, adding more peril to the already dangerous avenue. Yes, I agree that there has to be some rule to enforce much needed discipline on the road, but was that the best thing to do? Impose a speed limit and follow the yellow lane rule in a very spartan manner?

The authorities like to follow what they have done in Edsa, one of the country's major thoroughfares. The thing is, passenger jeepneys are not allowed to travel in Edsa, whereas Commonwealth Avenue is bustling with these commuter essentials. The result was traffic going from bad, to hellish. The usual fifteen minute travel from Sandiganbayan to Quezon Circle ballooned to a sad thirty minutes, meaning commuters like I need to adjust their clocks in order to remain punctual in their own commitments.

More likely, this is just a post out of impulse, and not a challenge to the government. At the very least, actions are being done to address concerns, but I hope in the future, their actions do not cause more issues that need to be addressed.