Memory Lapse

God, I feel so stupid. Or maybe tired. But still, I feel so stupid.

As I was walking along the nicely paved sidewalks of Ayala Triangle, I thought about something worth posting here. That is, I forgot what it was all about. I felt very frustrated as I rode the jeep going home, and made very unusual faces in a futile attempt to remember what it was. I squinted my eyes until my eyebrows met; grimaced until my face got all distorted; and looked up until my eyeballs felt like popping off their sockets. I think I left my idea in one of the stations of the MRT, hopeless to figure out what it was unless I ride the MRT again -- sometimes going back to the place one forgot something helps in remembereing, but what the heck.

And to think I was looking forward on posting whatever that was here. Sheesh.

Upsetting the Peace

Twenty-two years ago, I was born into a family living modestly. We had a humble home roofing us from  the broad daylight and the cold nighttime. As I grew up, I learned the values I uphold from my beloved grandfather and grandmother, while my parents worked until the sun set for us to have a square meal three times a day. My cousins and I would play together whenever they would come over, and as far as I can remember, I would be a little down whenever it was time for them to go home.

Around fifteen years ago, I decided to stay at my cousins' place for a couple of days. I remember telling myself that I wanted to stay longer, because there were so many things to do there. There were a lot of kids playing on the streets, and it was interesting to hear their stories whenever I went out to buy some candy. I remember the ecstatic feeling of watching my favorite cartoons on cable television back then. They also had pet dogs which I often played with, since I'm a person who likes animals. Those things were the big things in my view way back then, and at that point in time, I was happy to be there, despite the heat.

Six years ago, tragedy struck our family. My grandmother, Nanay, passed away due to respiratory complications. Several years before, Tatay joined the creator as he slept. At sixteen, I cried loudly as I bade a final farewell to the person who was there when I was bullied, lulled me to sleep in the humid summer evenings, and whom I considered to be my mother. Wiping the tears away, I promised to be strong and to always keep my feet on the ground: two things she taught me as the years passed.

And that was the start of the chaos that would remain invisible to me for years.

Three years ago, talks about inheritance became clear. Nanay left with my aunt and my dad a humble sum of money and a parcel of land in the province. Pretty much a kid then, I remained in the dark about it, as I assumed everything went on well. My parents and my aunt would often meet, discuss terms, and then sign land titles, exchange documents, and accomplish other written agreements. During those times, I politely greeted my aunt with a mano, and went back to whatever I was doing. It was their business, and I thought nosing in was discourteous.

But I should have at least tried to know what was going on.

About a year ago, my mother broke out to tears as she told me what was happening. Dropping details aside, the matter was not about the things written in the documents, but a widening chasm between my parents. Apparently, my dad never respected my mom's feelings on how the way things were going. Leaving sensitive things and facts behind, it was disheartening to see that the bond they have made as husband and wife was being chipped away bit by bit. Yes, they still remain strong until this very moment, but the fact is that they never argued or fought about something and didn't resolve at the end of the day. Now, the problem is only buried by peaceful days, but as soon as the issue is mentioned, it rises from the grave and haunts us.

The wounds have never healed. They close for a few quiet moments, only to be opened again by a brash exchange of words. Things will never be the same again, as impressions are broken and unseen severances start to widen, inch by inch. Eyes cannot meet the same way as before, as the atmosphere is saturated with unease and tension.

For the moment, I don't think that we will find a peace that can be shared. I hope that for now, all of us can find our own separate peace.

Undue Stress

good thing today is a FRIDAY!

 (I laugh at this post. Seriously.)

Disappointment

Today isn't one of the best days in my budding career. Well, I can say that it is the worst, since I have been only working for almost a month.

I have always believed and felt that I know I am doing something I want to do when under pressure, I step up and raise the bar. No matter how sour and gritty my feelings went, as long as I am trying to do my best, I know I am doing something I really want. Programming is one of those things I know I want to do, but today, I got disappointed with myself while programming. Heck, I'm quite miserable today that I can't blog well.

I felt so smug earlier that I just settled with something mediocre. I know I could do better, but I just settled for something less.

I just hope tomorrow will bring a brighter mood. I just quite dislike these kinds of feelings.

Conscience

Today, a new traffic rule was imposed along Commonwealth Avenue. Monickered "The Avenue of Death" by the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) due to the numerous, usually fatal accidents occurring in the thoroughfare, motorists now cannot exceed the speed of 60kmh. Yellow lanes for public utility vehicles are now being monitored by traffic enforcers, and those caught violating the rules will be penalized in varying degrees.

The imposition of the new rule predictably brought about heavier than usual traffic. But the traffic I experienced earlier wouldn't compare to the traffic caused by another horrifying incident inside familiar territory.

This two in the afternoon, a north-bound passenger bus journeying Edsa was vehemently rapt by a localized explosion. As the bus approached Buendia Station, the middle section of the bus suddenly burst into a deafening blast, shattering the windshield and windows of the bus. The explosion tore a gaping hole at one side of the vehicle, and instantly claimed the life of a female passenger. Another victim, an aged man, would soon perish at a nearby hospital, while eighteen others were treated for various injuries, ranging from minor to life-threatening. According to the conductor of the ill-fated bus, the tragedy would have been worse if not most passengers alighting at Ayala Station.

Reports say that a bomb was the cause of the explosion.

As these kinds of events occur, I ask myself how the doers of these horrible crimes sleep at night. I cannot sleep well thinking about something trivial I might have done during the day, but that deed of mine is nothing compared to this senseless loss of life.

There were bones and flesh in the pavement. A bloodied body was still there.

Sadly, those people don't have a conscience to be bothered by that image.

Compassion

The red traffic light caught us.

Yesterday afternoon while my family and I were passing Aurora Boulevard, a small boy hopped into the jeep we were tailing at the stoplight. He then distributed white envelopes to the passengers for alms. I have received one of those envelopes before. Something written in negligent Filipino was on the envelope, asking for some help to feed a family of nine, if I remember correctly. More likely, it was the same kind of envelope the boy was giving out, since the driver of the jeep looked back and started to yell at the boy, possibly because he was becoming a nuisance for his passengers. But the boy didn't mind, and still continued to hand out his white, crumpled envelopes.

"Nakakainis yung mga ganyan.Yung iba kasi, pinipilit kang bigyan."

Although deep inside, I felt a little heavyhearted to see the driver scolding the boy, and the boy needing to beg for help.

Partly annoyed by the events unfolding in front of me, I looked at the side. People were walking here and there, while a mother and her small tot sat on what appeared to be used boxes and thatched sacks. She gloomily held out her hand for alms, teary-eyed as she made her child sit closer to her. The kid was innocently looking at the passers-by, while the mother was looking for a little kindness and mercy from the strangers ignoring their presence. People strode by past them as if they didn't exist, selfish to give even just a little look.

The facts of life, I thought.

It was then that a lady holding packages from a fast food chain walked past the mother and child. A few paces passed the itinerants, she turned back, headed towards the waif, and handed to her a small pack of drinks. The mother thankfully accepted the drink, as the lady nodded in return and walked away. Showing the softdrink to her child, the mother peacefully smiled and gave it to the kid, who was filled with delight and excitement to see what the plastic cup contained.

We started to move after seeing that. I tried to look back, and saw that the mother has started to beg again, continuing to rely and believe on the kindness and compassion in each and every person that walks past her.

Singleness

People often go soul searching in order to quell the feeling of loneliness deep inside. I know, since two years ago, I felt the seemingly unending feeling of sadness overflowing myself. I thought that loving someone and being loved in return would drain all the grief I felt in being single. So on June 22, 2009, a person and I decided to be together in a relationship.

Our relationship was one of the best things that happened in my life. Everything felt so right, and the days blanketed by the rain of sadness suddenly became bright, sunny days. But, as the morning is followed by night, those sunny days were soon to be preceded by episodes of storm surges; the very same rain that showered me before was back, and was even stronger. I felt the bitter cold creep into my bones, as my insides shivered to an uncontrollable fit of despair.

Yes, nothing was wrong with the person I loved. However, we got so comfortable and complacent with each other and in our relationship that in fact, we didn't act like we were in a relationship. As the weeks and months passed, our relationship as lovers slowly changed. For some, what happened was that the flame of love slowly died to a smoking rubble. But for us, what happened was that our love transcended the boundaries of a relationship. We still love each other very much, but in a manner unlike before.

After a year and a half, and after knowing that both of us had our own mistakes, we agreed that we still love each other, but now, as family. I know, it sounds so tired and used, but until today, he still lives with us here at home. My mother has adopted him to be her third son, and there is no kind of rift between us.

Singleness isn't something that happens to a person because of luck, bad genes, or by whatever force outside the person's realm of control or knowledge. Being single is in fact, a choice. I have learned that before one can truly love somebody, one must completely love and wholly accept oneself first -- and that can only happen if one is single, happy with the world, and with no regrets or contempt in life.

Yes, being single at times can be lonely, but that's a fact we need to learn and accept. I'd rather be single rather than be in a strenuous, no growth relationship. In my experience, a couple in a straining relationship cannot properly learn and grow from one another, while a person content in being single can learn almost everything and anything from almost anyone.

So cheer up and remember: you're not the only one who's single.

Masters of Multitasking

Multitasking is the ability to do several actions at once. This feat requires focus, or perhaps getting so accustomed to things that the body somewhat does it instinctively. I can barely multitask myself: I get easily distracted or get too focused on one task that I completely forget about the other thing that I was doing. That's why I usually want to finish something first, so that the momentum that I'm riding on won't screech to a grinding stop.

This morning as I rode a jeep to Quezon Avenue, I was struck by the skill of the jeep driver. He was so adept on the things he was doing. I tried to figure out the things he needed to do to fulfill his role, and this was the non-exhaustive list I came up:

1. He needed to drive. Getting somewhere safely is a feat itself.
2. He has to be alert for passengers who wanted to ride.
3. He has to listen for people paying, or 
4. He needed to listen to people wanting to alight his jeep.
5. He needed to compute for change, and
6. He has to stop over to get some change, if he didn't have any.
7. He needed to know how many people were in his jeep at all times, so that
8. He needed to tell where his passengers could sit, especially when the vehicle is almost full.
9. He had to keep his cool, especially to irate passengers who don't know where the unloading area is.
10. He has to entertain to talkative passengers, or else look like a snob.

And I'm sure the list goes on.

I was just struck by my realization. It was like I realized one reason why jeep drivers are one of the many neglected and taken for granted people in our society, while they are one of the backbones which makes the lives of commuters possible. Jeep drivers, like other workers who people in the higher classes call as lower ones, do the mundane tasks most of us cannot even imagine.

So the next time you ride a jeep, just be patient. We don't own the world, but we share it with other people, including them.

Routine?

After seeing the horrible escalator accident yesterday night, the thought of riding an escalator sends a cold chill down my spine. Merely seeing an escalator is enough for my hair to stand. I'm not disturbed by the fact that I witnessed such an incident; what bothers me is how an ordinary, everyday event can turn viciously wrong. The security I feel in routine was suddenly shattered and left hanging in question after I witnessed the ordeal. The events that happened yesterday could be considered as just a freak accident, but the impact it dealt me was way beyond my expectations. After realizing what just happened in front of me, I knew then that I would detract from riding escalators for a little while. But never did I anticipate that I would even start to question the protection I feel from simple things. No matter how careful one is, the inevitable will happen when it is meant to happen.

Yeah, but maybe I'm just over complicating things. Hopefully, I am.

An Escalator Accident

Escalators (just like the internet, haha) are things that we usually take granted for. We usually hop on a step, patiently or impatiently wait until we reach the top or the bottom, then nonchalantly alight the escalator as if it was just an ordinary flight of stairs. Earlier this evening, I was present in an escalator accident which happened in Ayala Station of the MRT.

I was quite in a hurry to go home. Since I arrived a little bit late for work, I had to stay behind for a couple of minutes past six. Picking up the pace, I broke up a little sweat as I reached the Ayala Station of the MRT. As I were a few paces from riding the escalator, the unthinkable happened. The escalator suddenly bolted to a stop, and then rolled backwards in a very fast speed. Passengers frantically held on to the rails for dear life as cries out of surprise warned other people about to ride the escalator. After a brief moment of despair, the escalator halted to a stop, flushing all its passengers to a panicked pile at the foot of the escalator. Bewildered witnesses flocked to see what just transpired, while the unfortunate ones who took part in the frantic escalator's failure quickly alighted to safety.

It was just plain frightening to witness something so ordinary turn horribly wrong.

I took the stairs to reach the top level, and witnessed a man applying pressure to his bloodied foot. There were also women who were leaning to the wall, limping and grimacing in pain. People were shaken up, but were fine in general. I didn't see any more serious injuries other than the man who sustained a gash on his foot, and that gave me enough peace not to stay behind, make usyoso, and see what happened.

Because of that, I don't think I'll ride an escalator for a few days.


The news stated that the cause was an escalator malfunction. Nine people were injured and are being treated in Makati Medical Center for leg and back injuries. The escalator was corded off from the public, and a call to check the safety of escalators and other public pedestrian vehicles was made.

The Internet

During my lunch break earlier, I went to a site containing popular trends and phenomena happening in the internet. Such are called memes (correctly pronounced as meems), and many have come and go. Many of these are funny and worth some laughs, but there was something I came across that was pretty interesting in its own way.

The meme, which I will not name in the intention of keeping the episode closed, was about a teenage girl who innocently posted a youtube video for her friends. The contents of the video and the video itself were not extraordinary taking the fact that it was posted in youtube, however, months after the girl posted her video, an anonymous person posted the same video in a message board about randomness. There, the video amassed hundreds and hundreds of hits. Not only did it garner instant fame and celebrity status, the video and the girl also received very negative and insulting comments. From an innocuous video post, the internet would soon experience a civil war between those entranced by the girl's cuteness and those enraged and ultimately irritated by her behavior in that pivotal video.

Soon, things would spiral out of control. It was so out of control that several groups were formed with the goals of making her permanently stop creating videos, bringing the girl down, or ruining her life completely. A message board where the phenomenon was at its worst was forced to go 404 for a couple of days by its very own users. It was reported that the girl would then receive grave threats from whatever online access she had.

It was a mess. And it started as a video post for some friends with no intention to defame or step on anyone.

We must admit that the internet is an integral part of our everyday lives. But we should always remember that we should be careful in using it. In the case of the girl, I see her as a victim; a helpless scapegoat for all the anonymous rage people are feeding to the internet. The internet is always there, yes, but it isn't there for us all the time.

Haircut

My head looked like a bird's nest. As a matter of fact, I was waiting for some feathered animal to perch or fly away from my hair.

Milai's parlor underwent a change of administration. It has been closed since the last week of December last year due to renovations. My hair has grown unruly for the past few weeks, and thankfully, I was able to sit down on Milai's new salon chair to get my hair done.

What never fails to amuse and amaze me is the manner in which they speak. She and Amelia, the manicurist, along with other customers, engage in a flowery parlance; a colorful marriage of English, Filipino, and Bisaya. It just amuses me to see them chatter away their stories and escapades, fully embellished with body language and facial expressions. After bursts of talking in a very comical tone, the gaggle would first snicker and then explode into laughter rid of womanly gentleness.

It amazes me that despite all the trouble Milai faced with her boyfriend, she never ceases to smile and share an interesting story or two. Despite her hardships, she still manages to laugh, and possibly look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Thanks to her ever so cheerful disposition, I got my haircut. It feels so nice to look sleek and clean once again.

Of Slimmer Wallets

As I said yesterday, I will be spending my first salary for the people who made that first salary possible. So I did.

I treated Mamie, Dadee, Kuya, Ate, and Iyhan to dinner tonight. It was just a simple go out: we went to Technohub and ate at KFC, and afterwards got some frappes at Starbucks. I didn't feel the burden of spending my money since I was decided that that was for them, and not for me. The feeling was an eye opener for me being a spendthrift to an almost negative degree. I spent my money for my family without thinking of the things that I wanted to buy for myself. The peace and happiness that I felt in doing that was as a matter of fact, priceless.

If only Nanay was still with us, I'm sure she will be proud.

Of Fat Wallets

Today, I felt how corrupting money can be. Although it wasn't quite a big amount, I felt how powerful it was to have money at hand. Quite a mixed feeling actually, as I was very much frightened as well because of the fact that I was carrying with me an amount of money that I have never had before. I immediately felt I needed to buy something I greedily wanted, but of course, I did not. I said to myself that my first salary won't go to me, but to the people whom I owe that first salary to.

It was quite scary, but nonetheless, one of the most interesting experiences I've had since a long time.

Travel

When I was little, I was so frustrated at trains because I never got to ride one. My siblings had the opportunity to ride the old PNR trains, but I didn't. I was born into a family which was blessed enough to afford a modest car.Every time the bars descended as the sirens blared, I remember me curiously rolling the window down to look at the mighty beast the train was. Every time I saw that train, its long, echoing horn proudly announced its arrival.

I wanted to ride a train so badly that I wanted to become a train conductor.

The first time I rode a train was during the arrival of the MRT commuters know so much. The old trains of the PNR have been replaced, and now only one coach remains the open air train of my childhood. Now that I experience trains in an everyday basis, I dream of bigger, faster things.

Now, I want to ride an airplane and travel abroad that I wondered why I didn't want to be a pilot. Planes remind me that dreams, no matter how high or vast they are, can still be touched and kissed, just like airplanes soaring across the skies.

Doing the Right Thing

As I stood in the aisle of the moderately packed MRT yesterday, a middle-aged man lugging a small bag and holding a newspaper stayed beside me. He opened the newspaper and painted a stern, serious front on his face. Of course, my tendency was to snoop on what he was reading about.

It was about the predicament of the columnist's son a few days back. According to what I understood, the son was mugged inside a passenger bus, right in front of pairs and pairs of eyes. The poor boy shouted and implored for any mediation as he was blatantly coerced to remove his shoes and socks, possibly to prevent him from running after the criminals. After his cellphone was pillaged, the robbers simply alighted the bus, as if nothing happened.

Criminals are getting more and more flagrant on their crimes because most people do not do anything. Doing something wrong isn't the only evil, but not doing the right thing is just as harmful. All it would take for those robbers to be sent behind bars was a single person brave enough to help. All it would take was a small spark to ignite a flame of compassion, but sad enough for the son, it didn't happen. He was left to file a police report in the wee hours of the morning, barefooted.

Why did he do that instead of going home to his family's comfort?


Because in his belief,  it was the right thing to do.


I write this because I often question myself if I'm doing the right thing. "Doing what feels the right thing to do" seems so vague and uncertain. I often answer my questions indirectly by asking myself another question: what would my future self think about this?

There are so many lessons that can be learned from defeat and regret, that's why these two are valuable treasures for me.

Tiring Tuesday

Training in our company is getting tougher and tougher. Each and every passing day, a lot is expected from us, even if they give us little mental resources to work on. Today was no exception. It might even be the icing on the cake, as we painstakingly labored for hours our final exam for the first module of training. At first, the exam was mentally stimulating, but after time passed by, it became emotionally draining. There where long periods wherein a single line of seemingly correct code is not behaving the way it is supposed to, and the problem was the page not being refreshed totally. Hours elapsed, and so did the numerous bouts of triumph over a hurdle and frustration over an undetected bug.

But I must say, I enjoyed the feeling of making a non-functional snippet of code to produce meaningful output.

Being optimistic is good, but more often than not, trying to be optimistic takes a big toll on one's emotions. There are times when it gets so dark that looking at the grim side of things is the easier and seemingly more practical thing to do. As hard as troubles may seem, nothing beats the feeling of conquering a giant roadblock. Being optimistic is good, but proving to oneself that one can do it is more rewarding.

Before you prove your worth to other people, prove your worth to yourself first.

What a tiring day this was. Seriously.

Sad Day Monday

I'm certain people with the usual Monday to Friday morning schedule will find these following statements more or less true: 

Tuesday: Monday is over.
Wednesday: Halfway there!
Thursday: It's almost Friday!
Friday: THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY
Saturday: Yeah! Weekend!
Sunday: Weekend, but it's Monday tomorrow.
Monday: ...

Where ... is a mere replacement for possible expletives, rants, or hate incarnate to the poor day of Monday.

Seriously now, why is Monday such a pain? It's so hard to wake up from a blissful Sunday night's sleep. If I were given the choice, I'd rather wallow in my sleepy stupor and snuggle up to the sheets, especially now that the weather is either cold or rainy. To top that frustration off, two accidents occurred in Quezon Memorial Circle in the span of 30 minutes. With hopelessness in grasp, the MRT was unusually overcrowded beyond its acceptable capacity. Flocks of people swarmed the doors as it opened at 8:30 in the morning. Arriving a couple of minutes late, I was already exhausted and beaten up even before I faced my training which squeezes every last drop of brain juice.

Fun things happened as well. I got to sabit on a jeepney on the way to Quezon Avenue, but I had to sit on the aisle when we reached Circle because of the heavy, snail-paced traffic. It was quite awkward since I was facing all those cars crawling in the traffic with us, but I had to admit there was some fun involved in having that much attention. Just imagine how weird it was when several motorcycles tailed the jeepney I was in.

As the saying says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Opportunities to learn and experience new things are lost if one always sees the negative side of things. It won't hurt one bit to think of something positive for once.

Another Monday crosses itself off the calendars. What a relief.

Regrets and Resolves

Today is my grandmother's sixth year with the creator. Nanay succumbed to respiratory problems and several heart attacks, and I didn't get the chance to see her when she was in the hospital. I refused to go there and see her with all those machines attached to her fragile body.

It was something I regretted terribly. I didn't get the chance to say how I loved her as a foster mother.

Today was also a day where my family and I went out to eat. We never did that when I was little, because of the fact that Dadee needed to work away from us. But today was a small special day: we went to eat out the new big burgers in Tropical Hut and eat Blizzards in Dairy Queen in Gateway. I usually don't go out with my family to go to malls, maybe because I'm so not used to doing that, but today, I felt a deep sense of happiness, like a small part of inside of me finally found some peace. I felt a serene sense of confidence in seeing my family enjoying some sundaes together. It was like finding a new resolve amidst all those broken pieces of self.

Hopefully, we do it again sometime.

Leaving the Past Behind

One of the most difficult things for me is to leave the past behind.

A while ago, I read an article I made for a friend who now lives in the States. I liked that friend more than a friend, and I honestly still do up until now. That article was for my friend's humanities class, where I tried to describe his positive and negative attributes.

Ah oo nga no, napaisip ako sa sinabi mo tungkol sakin. Salamat Nox!

I don't know. I just don't know why I like the guy that much. I did a lot of stupid things to him that I regret to this day, and I don't know if he has already forgiven me. Well, not that I had the courage to say sorry in my own voice. I just can't do it as I didn't have the face left to do that. I guess I'll never have the opportunity, or it's just that he has forgotten about it and moved on. I'm not being bitter or what, the matter just slips into my head from time to time.

I just miss him. No, I just miss the past.

Agility Defined

Today, Pointwest celebrated its eighth anniversary. A mass and a gathering was held in one of the offices of the company. One of the main highlights of the entire endeavor was one thing: how the company proved itself to be the best fully Filipino IT outsourcing companies in the world.

It was gratifying for someone who has started training five days ago.

The mass presider was Fr. Abelardo, one of Noynoy's closest companions. He told stories about people living humbly and leading simple lives, and how these people are succeeding in their own careers. Being the eighth year since the foundation of Pointwest, he linked this to how Pointwest succeeded and continues to succeed.

"Things in life can get very hard, but ultimately, not impossible."

Pointwest succeeds up until now because it firmly believes that nothing is impossible. Yes, things may turn most grim and daunting, but if there is a will, there will always be a way. Things may not be in the greener side of the fields all the time, but if one really wants to attain victory, that person will do anything moral to do so.

Fears and uncertainties are a normal part of our lives. These are always present in each and every one of our unique and innovative minds. These hindrances are the things that make our brilliance paltry. Everything worth doing is possible: all one has to do is to muster up the courage to face those insecurities -- that is a great victory in itself. The road less traveled won't be a smooth ride, and it is in the rough times will a person decide to stay down with folded arms or step up with an arched back.

Adversity

Earlier, we were tasked to recreate a website's layout using style sheets and table tags. I spent over four hours trying to figure out how to do it properly, but I only managed to finish half of the page. It wasn't that easy as we had only limited resources (tags) to use, but it wasn't too difficult as well -- it was just very intimidating. It was a herculean task for us trainees, as other people more experienced than us said. They were quite surprised about the degree of difficulty our exams were compared to theirs. A senior mentioned that during his training, they were tasked to make any website layout. They weren't required to put any specific elements -- just create a website. Our exam was like a million times more difficult than theirs. It was so hard, my brain almost felt as if it was rapidly turning into juice and draining down my spine. A rain of expletives isn't enough to satiate my feelings toward that exam.

Seriously, it was one of the worst gamut feelings I've ever had. I was excited that we were going to learn CSS, but that excitement was oh so fleeting.

Even if the exam was a deluge in the tranquil seas of my mind, I persevered to finish what I started. I placed effort to put effort (weird, huh?) and give the best I can give. I proved to myself one thing: amidst all my weaknesses, I can be strong and unwavering in front of adversity if I wanted to. My fears always get the better out of me, and I never think that I can actually do something if I placed my mind into it.

I guess I have really decided to "grow up". It may be vague for me now, but I'm sure someday, that time will come when I can say to myself without fail that I have succeeded.

Health Conscious

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed myself eating more fruits and vegetables. This week, I have been looking at nutritional facts of the biscuits I eat at work, which I never did before, save the time when we needed to compute calories for biology class. I have also placed quite an effort in drinking a serving of pineapple juice daily, despite the jaw-wrenching grimace resulting from the very tart aftertaste. I've also been picky on choosing what to have for lunch, veering away from all the fatty and oily goodness some ulam has to offer to the hungry working person. I have been trying to be more active and do some simple exercises at home, even though commuting from Makati to Batasan Hills isn't a workout enough.

To whatever mysterious phenomenon happening to me right now, I just don't know. I just feel more energetic and more alive. I have the tendency to be narcoleptic and sleepy all the time, even if I had adequate sleep the night before. Now, I can stay awake the whole day, provided that I take a short shuteye after lunch. Before, I was dead tired to the point of my vision darkening as I arrived home, but now, I can still do some push-ups and lift some weights. These days, my body just feels nice and definitely better than my very sedentary everyday.

People say that it's very hard to live a healthy life. Everything that feels good apparently is not good in reality. It's not, people just have to set small goals and enjoy each and every second of the journey to those little victories. For me, the matter isn't discipline, but proving yourself you can do it. Of course, to prove yourself something, you must actually do something to achieve it. Everything isn't served in a silver spoon, but after one puts their back and breaks a leg into something, the fulfillment is very much worth it.

No pain, no gain. No fear! Just do it!

Thirty-six Months

While impatiently waiting to go home earlier, something boggling slipped into my stream of consciousness. I tried to imagine myself as a programmer three years from now. I actually did manage to imagine myself sitting in a station, typing away line after line of enterprise related code.The images that made it to my imagination were hazy, but at least I was able to recognize it. Murky, almost undefinable shapes were flooded by cold air and bright lights.

And I thought, do I really want to travel the road I'm treading now?

Thirty-six months seems too long for me now. But I'm optimistically raising my chin and hoping that those three years will be just yesterday in the future.

So good luck, Rudolf three years from now.

First Day, Hi

I'm writing this in office. Naks, "in office".

Today is going better than I anticipated. I was quite worried since orientation day as to what the first day of training would be like. Being a self-confessed pessimist, negative things filled my head as to what today would look and feel like. I dislike first days not because people get to meet people, but due to the awkward feeling everyone gets when things get silent. There's this feeling that you want to start a conversation, but you're not exactly sure on what to talk about. I'm still in that getting-to-know-you phase, and it's just sad if you make a wrong impression because what you said isn't quite right to their own opinion. The issue here is not about conformity, but giving a good impression at the very start. "First impressions last," as the saying goes.

My batchmates are quite a nice bunch; that's why I'm even more careful to start things right.

First Day High

I'm feeling a little queasy about starting work on Monday. It's been almost a year since I graduated from school, and I was pretty much doing nothing since then. I feel half-baked. A part of me doesn't want to let go of the life free from responsibilities, however a part of me wants to grow up and move on with life. Maybe this half and half feeling is coming from the fact that past the disciplined facade of myself, I am essentially a lazy person deep down inside.

It was nice to take a break from the heat of things. A long break, but it was still nice to step out of the limelight and give myself some room to think about what I really want to do in life.

I'm just a little worried that the work I agreed to do for three years isn't my corner in the sky. Sure, I like the feeling of victory and sense of accomplishment programming brings, but I still dream of other things. Questions always filled my head, but I never gave them a proper response. Almost a year has passed, and up until now, I still can't prudently say to myself that I have decided to "grow up".

Maybe it's just the stress brought about by an inevitable change in life. Being a person who secretly likes routine and monotony, this challenge is testing how resilient my character is. Hopefully, I am still pliant to welcome my new life, not that I have any other choice.

Maybe that's it.

See, Rudolf, Now

I said to myself I'll try to start writing again. I've been reading my posts in my previous blog, and came across an entry that shared that I "write for my own sake; I blog to keep memories alive." It's true that I wrote down what I felt and shared the emotions tied to it, and I recognized these even if a year has passed.

It felt nice.

A lot of things have happened during the previous year. A lot of experiences and lessons worth sharing to my future self were lost forever, so here I am now, ready to write and start anew.

See, I'm Rudolf now.