Prose

I have been praised by a stranger for my capacity to write well. I'm not a writer at heart, but I have to admit that I have some command over the written parlance. He took the time to read an old entry of mine, and was kind enough to offer ideas to improve my work. I gladly accepted his changes, and made the prose of my work simpler, but its imagery even stronger.

The entry I wrote was about an encounter I had with a blind man two years ago. It was one of the saddest points of my life. In the verge of losing all hope, I found some solace in writing, and created an entry that would capture a snapshot of my life in prose. The powerful image living in those words remind me that I can surmount even the seemingly impossible difficulties in life.

Floy, thank you for believing in my ability to write.

Pomp and Circumstance

It is that time of year, and I cannot help but post something related to all the pomp saturating the end of the month.

One of my best friends way back in high school was one of the students who marched this month. He went through a lot of trials and ordeals, but he fought and soldiered on, which made him a stronger person than what he was before. Despite all the problems he alone faced, he was able to complete his studies and earn his degree in Nursing.

I'm sure he has had his own share of the greatest days with his college friends, but the times we shared along with my other best friend were some of the memories I went back to when the going got rough. Around eight years ago, our friendship started, and even if we aren't able to get together as often as we did, he will always be a best friend in my book.

Congratulations, and good luck as you start a new chapter in life.

L'chayim.

Permanence

I was so bothered by a decision I made yesterday evening. I thought I have changed, but much to my dismay, I haven't changed that much. I thought I have developed a strong, secure sense of my self, but past the stronger exterior lied the same old rickety me. I'm just so paranoid about things that I let the littlest of things become immensely trivial on my part. I thought I liked myself for who I am, but a part of me reached beyond the point of satiety that I want to be someone else.

Sigh.

But alas, change will always be there, because after all, the only permanent thing in the world is change.

Midnight to Sunrise

After one week, Midnight is back to his usual old self.

We had difficulties in trying to restore him. The boot discs weren't loading properly and were even crashing, but with some incredible stroke of luck, we managed to do an installation repair, which essentially reinstalled Windows into Midnight. After fixing Midnight, my friends and I decided to "celebrate" and eat out. One of my friends was also going back home to his province for the summer break, which made our small eat out together a small send-off for him back home.

I'm just happy that Midnight's back to normal, and I'm happy that I was able to hang out again with two good friends of mine.

Midnight To Dawn

Midnight has been handicapped for almost a week now. I can only use him in safe mode, because if I try to boot normally, my heart breaks. A few seconds after the welcome screen, he crashes with a blue flash, and restarts in an endless cycle.

I was never able to determine what caused the problem. I tried, but eventually gave up. I was too tired, upset, and depressed during that time. It was like the earth connived against me. Silly.

I feel bad for giving up on Midnight in his own midnight. Tomorrow, I will go to my friend's place carrying the hopes of fixing up Midnight. Later tonight, I will say a little prayer to my friend who never left my side during those times when I felt the bittersweet grip of loneliness, and the times when I felt accomplished and content in life.

21KM

My best friend and I signed up for National Geographic's Earth Day Run. We reluctantly enlisted ourselves in the highest division, the 21-kilometer run. For what reason? The shirt participants received for that division looked nice.

Seriously.

Now, I'm having doubts on how the heck I will be able to complete that distance within four grueling hours. My friend, a track runner since grade school, told me that from the day we registered onward, I should not think on how long it would be. He told me to only imagine me crossing the finish line. His confidence in me being able to complete the arduous marathon gave me a much needed ego boost.

As of this week, I have begun my self-imposed training regimen once again. I jog a couple of laps around the streets of my subdivision, alongside with body weight training in hopes of conditioning my strength and endurance. I can tell that the run will be a tough one on my part, but my friend has kept reassuring me that no matter what, he won't let me trail behind. With a person I can rest my shoulders on, I can challenge myself to cross that finish line and grab hold of a little victory; a feat probably only the two of us will know and share for the years to come.

The Rise of Ripley: Floor (Part Seven)

About two weeks have passed since the company graced me with a top-of-the-line computer. His name was Ripley.

He, along with his friends Lashes the monitor, Flack the keyboard, and Vesper the mouse (yes, my company actually do name all assets) have been allowing me to access the web, chat with my friends, and of course, do work for our client for the past weeks. The processing speed and strength of Ripley is simply remarkable, as I have grown used to Midnight's satisfactory performance. Compile times are reduced to mere seconds, shying the almost half-minute project building Midnight delivers. Yes, Ripley wins by a phenomenal margin on all aspects, but Midnight will never be replaced in my heart.

Oh the cheese.

The task given to me proved to be daunting, however, with enough concentration and Ripley's  processing power, we were able to hurtle through the obstacles successfully. I felt the fleeting sense of a personal victory once again, and that was enough to make me step forward and look ahead with my chest proud and chin held high. The cracks that marred my resolve were mended by that accomplishment. It made me feel I belong, that I am treading an intricate path I am challenging myself to take.

The Past Becoming The Present

I haven't felt depressed in almost over three months or so. I don't know. I want to feel sad, I want to feel happy, and I want to feel content all at the same time. Plus, Midnight is down, making me feel even more wistful.

I thought things were going for the better, but that was only what I thought. Past the facade of smiles; past the foyer of happiness lies the small, little anteroom of memories. A tiny peek to those little fragments of the past made my strength evanescence into the cold, lonely night.

I have liked a friend of mine, however I tried my best to suppress the feeling because I know the feeling wasn't mutual. I managed to strangle the feelings inside me until it withered and died. But I was wrong: after seeing him again, the feelings resurfaced and gaped for air; only to witness the truth that he likes someone else.

I dislike liking a friend. I really do. It's as if my memories are kidding me: things in the past are slowly becoming things of the present.

However, these pains are bittersweet; invisible reminders that we are alive, deeply desiring for security and comfort in the painful ironies of life.

Midnight's Midnight

Midnight, my laptop, has stopped running normally.

Every time I boot up, it works fine until the Welcome screen (Midnight is on Windows XP SP3), but right after that, it will crash and restart. Sometimes, a dialog box manages to appear telling me that my hardware has changed and I need to reinstall a sound driver. However, I have already uninstalled that sound driver, but the problem persists.

As of the moment, I'm scanning for any malicious programs that may have managed to infect poor old Midnight. After scanning, I'll try to uninstall more drivers in hopes of isolating where the problem actually is.

I love Midnight not because I'm a big computer geek, but because through thick and thin, we've been together. I have found some solace in the sound of his keyboard when I type, and have seen a small but tranquil patch of peace within his monitor.

Floor (Part Six)

Being on the floor isn't that bad. Well at least for the meantime, it isn't.

I have been nervous on what to expect upon entering the floor. I thought that I needed to work my guts out in order to impress my superiors. However, this wasn't the case, as we newcomers to the dubbed "untouchable" Omega project were welcomed warmly and happily. We have been included in the team's activities like presentations and meetings with our partners on-site. I can't speak for the others, but I don't feel ostracized or what -- people were always approachable and were willing to answer my eager questions regarding the know-hows of the team.

But alas, my fears of meeting the expectations of the team are still very much present inside my head. I still anticipate the first actual task my team lead will give me, and hopefully, I can comply with the standards he is expecting.

Importance

To me, effort is everything. When I see a person persevering to achieve something, it shows me how much value he places in that object he desires to attain. As the dictum says, "It's the thought that counts."

However, I cannot blame people who only look at the results, and not the process or thought involved in achieving the goal. Maybe the world has come to the point where people are forcibly blinded to look only at the end, and not to look around and enjoy what the scenery has to give.

Eh, maybe that's just me.

Never Look Back

Sometimes, I wish I can just keep looking and moving forward, and leave everything behind. Things get so messed up that I want to turn back time and undo mistakes of the past, but all I could do is just stop the tears that have welled up in my eyes.

I hate the awkward feeling of being unable to say anything. I dislike the momentary muteness because I don't exactly know what to say. Things sometimes get so taken for granted that it becomes out of hand: a salve to ease the pain being impossible to find; the wounds slowly getting deeper and deeper, prisoner to the shackles that bond freedom into sorrow.

How can people be so blind, mute, and deaf all at the same time? How can they manage to be so selfish, keeping their thoughts to themselves and leaving the people who love them bitterly cold under a rain of misunderstanding?

I have tried to hold on to the fragments that were left behind. It appears I'm just foolishly wounding myself. I was the one who wanted this in the first place, so how come I'm whining now? Deep down inside, I still yearn to make the erroneous past the living present. However, with sadness in my heart, I must learn to face the truth that I cannot do anything more in my capacity to help. Some things need to be realized and faced alone.

If you insist in keeping your eyes tightly shut and cupping your hands over your ears, why don't you try closing the doors to your heart?

I hate doing this. I hate this feeling. I feel so fcuking selfish, even if I know I shouldn't.


Please. Trust me.

One Sentence One

Talking to a friend makes my day complete.

Floor (Part Five)

Before going home tonight, Sir Ahm, our project manager, waved and signaled us to go to him.

"Ayan, bukas pwedeng dito na kayo magreport. Dito, si Shella, doon, si Dolf, at doon sa medyo dulo, si Glen. Pasensiya ka na Glen a, napalayo ka. Ampon ka naman eh, hehe."

After a full week of waiting, we're officially part of the floor. Shella, Glen, and I were the luckiest, in my opinion, to be part of the company's prestigious Omega Team. Ervs, a team lead of ours, explained to us that one of the following days, we will be officially oriented about the team's purpose.

I know I have no reason yet to feel nervous, but I feel a little unsure. Maybe it is because of the fact that I have to experience another transitory phase when I have grown so accustomed to the private little room we stayed in for over a month.

Training room one, thank you for making us feel at home. May everyone succeed in the different paths we are now following, and may you continue to produce memories that will last ten lifetimes.

Dust to Dust

Today marks the start of the Lenten season.

Being a person who hasn't observed the usual fasting and prayer lent entails, I feel that what is more important during this season of penance and repentance is not what we do, but the reason why we do. In my opinion, lent has lost its true meaning because most people make sacrifices only because it is the season to do so. It is true that people do indeed pray and ask for contrition, however, as soon as lent is over, most return to their old ways shy from the silent retrospection and spiritual reflection in lenten solitude. Lent is a reminder; a beacon to guide the lost in the stormy seas of life.

In this era of technology, we are called to live simply, so that others can simply live.

Our foreheads are marked with ashes to humble our hearts and remind us the life passes here on Earth. Everything came from dust, and everything will return to dust.

Floor (Part Four)

So this was it. Today was officially our last day in the little corner we called our own: training room one.

Sir Ahm delivered us the news: I, along with two of my batchmates, will be placed in the prestigious Omega project, under his direct supervision. I could not say I'm sad since a part of me actually wanted to be assigned there because of the familiar faces; however I couldn't deny the fact that I'm a little bit disappointed because yes, I got into Omega, however not all of us would be assigned there.

Two of my friends were placed in projects which entailed serious setbacks for them. Both wanted to focus on development, however, their assignments had little programming involved, as far as I know. One was stuck between being a tester here in Quezon City, or a developer in Makati, while the other had to entertain calls hailing from clients and forward the feedback to senior developers -- something like a watered-down customer service representative responsibility. They openly expressed their disappointment, and I was unable to produce any words to encourage them. I did not know what things to say since there I was, lucky to be part of the Omega team while they felt they were unlucky enough to be placed in projects which caused them unneeded stress and tension.

Maybe I'm just overly altruistic, but no. This sentiment stems from the sincere concern I have for all of my friends. In life, we can't have it all, but hopefully there is some way to share blessings and make others feel they belong.

Floor (Part Three)

Later this afternoon, I will face eleven high-ranking people of the company in a tradition they call Revalida. The custom is done to get to know the trainees who completed the two-month training a little bit better. The event consists of two parts: the first being a talent portion, and the second being a question-and-answer portion. I feel a little worried even if I can be one of those people who are makapal ang mukha if I wanted to. I know what to expect; however I'm not quite sure how these people will react to my stint. I'm a little bit anxious as well to what questions they will ask of me, since I have the tendency to clam up and lose all my composure when my heart clunks out of my chest. Our trainers have told us not to be afraid about it and just enjoy what the affair would bring.

I'm just not one of those people who could communicate well, especially to superiors. I envy the people who can keep their cool and composure, while taking superior command over the English parlance. Hopefully, during my stay in the company, I would gain the confidence to speak up and concisely articulate the thoughts I wish to express.

Floor (Part Two)

Yesterday night while a friend and I were heading home, we were talking about what we thought life in our company was. My friend cannot help but notice how happy and content the employees of the company was despite the not-so-wonderful compensation it gave.

"Ba't ganun, p're? Hindi naman mataas sweldo saka hindi naman kagandahan yung benefits, pero parang ang daming masaya?"

All I could think of was the atmosphere in the office. People usually had small smiles across their faces, even if they were hassled by a tight deadline. Maybe people just liked what they were doing. They must have learned to love their work, no matter how hard it was or how unrewarding the benefits seemed. By taking into heart what they did, they probably saw the gratification other people, like us fresh trainees, did not see.

As we crossed the footbridge in front of our office building, my friend shared why he left his previous company. He did not like his work in his previous company -- his interest resided in programming. He was a little bit worried if he did the right thing, since the benefits here were meager compared to the salary he received in the past. I told him that I did not like to program, but through college, I have learned to love it. Given a choice between IT and another field I won't say, I would probably choose the latter, but that did not mean I dislike whatever position I am currently in. I have learned to embrace the passion for programming, but yes, my real interests live outside the world of computers. I decided to join and stay in Pointwest for three years because I wanted to practice what I have studied in university; so all those four years of education would not rust, waste, and wither away.

"Ako nga p're, nung simula, gusto ko talaga yung course ko. Pero nung tumagal, nalaman kong nasa iba pala yung gusto ko talaga. Minahal ko na lang yung ginagawa ko, imbis na naging bitter ako. Kung naging bitter ako, sinong talo? Ako rin, 'di ba?"

As the adage goes, success comes when opportunity meets preparation. Opportunities are always around us; it is only up to us how we will react to these and determine if we will emerge with victory in hand, or with regret in our hearts.

Floor (Part One)

News arrived that our friends located in Makati were assigned in their respective projects and teams. We were anxiously waiting for them to go online, and as soon as they did, we bombarded them with questions on how their day was going.

As I expected, the three of them were assigned to different projects.

I find it strange that I do not feel worried about me and my friends here in the office being assigned into different projects. Maybe it is due to the fact that I know from the start that we will no longer be working together come the end of our training, but I feel that the true root of this feeling of assurance is the fact that no matter the distance, friends will be friends. Two months is such a short time to know them well, but I must say that because of my friends, my transition to work has been an enjoyable experience. Stressful, yes, but definitely worthwhile.

One Day Left: Training Room One

Our stay in Training Room One will end tomorrow. For the past few days, my batchmates and I have labored on our final projects. For a final time in our training, we were required to stand in front of a panel and present the projects we worked on. With uneasiness and tension knotting ties in my guts, my partner and I stepped inside the room which served our little security corner. The fear that enfeebled me slowly retracted its grip as the minutes passed by. After an hour and a half of explaining and asking questions, our defense ended with such bliss in our bodies. I was ecstatic and surprised the day would end in such a manner, as I expected today as one of those days filled with an irrevocable sense of gloominess.

Praise was given with generosity. It seems that the people we would be working with are happy with the pleasant results of our training.

On Thursday, as Sir Ahm announced, project managers will come and fetch us to our assigned projects. Eight people became friends in training, and hopefully, that friendship will stay amidst the different paths each and every one of us will be taking from that day forward.