Constitution (File 1)

For the past few months, I have hit a terrible plateau in my desire to attain normal weight. Up until last week, I weighed in at a measly 140 lbs -- terrible considering my physical gift of height.

However, things are changing. Hopefully, it continues that way.

As of now, I weigh in at 147 lbs. Seven pounds may seem small, but each pound of it means a lot to me. I have been consuming a whole lot more food and supplementing it with exercise. I eat four square meals a day, excluding the small snacks I take during the course of the day. I drink no less than a liter of milk everyday, and my stomach didn't welcome it warmly. Usually, my stomach feels full to the point of bursting like a balloon under Sunday heat, but I force myself to eat just a little more. I make sure not to slump back come exercise time so that my body will have a reason to build weight. It is not a walk in the park, I have to sweat it out in varying meanings of the term, but again, nothing worth doing comes easy.

I'm setting a goal right now: hit and maintain 150 lbs in two weeks' time.

Born This Way

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Perspectives

At the office, I was randomly spacing out. I found myself following a trail of thought, and then realizing that I have been staring at an imaginary distance for a period of time. Frightened by the signals being sent to me, I sought refuge in a close friend of mine.

I cannot seem to stop thinking about what was bothering me. In an act of desperation, I pleaded God for help, and help He gave.

He made me realize that the world and the things happening in it cannot change for my sake. Happiness is something sought for and found, and not just given out of pity. It came to me that if I weren't content with the things that I am seeing, I should change how I view the world, and live it once again like I've never seen it before.

Life is full of sweet sorrow; subtle reminders that we are still alive, seeking for security in the ironies of life.

Indecision

I am still stuck in a rut between two choices. I find myself taking one step forward to a direction, then immediately taking back that step in reconsideration. After a moment's pause, I move forward, only to go back all over again.

I am intimidated by the truth. However, the uncertainty outside of that truth is slowly killing me.

I want to know if this guy likes me too or not. By the way things are going, I think he does, however because of certain things that came to my knowledge, I am struck but to think twice. I want to ask him already, but I do not have the guts to do so just yet. I want to clear up my doubts, but I don't want to know the reality that I'm just fodder for him. I guess it's normal, people seeking for acceptance and hating rejection. But, there is no life without sacrifice.

Life is all but a series of choices and risks we take in the chances we meet. I just really hope that the things I am doing right now will not be things that I will regret one day.

Third Molar (Part Three)

After two excruciating surgeries across seven dental appointments, three dentists, and a ton of pain relievers, I now wear a set of orthodontic braces. Unfortunate not to have the most scenic of pearly whites, I have decided in the past that I will invest in my dental health, no matter what.

Today marks the start of a new challenge.

Thank you to my dentist and friend, Nicke, and to my sister, Portia, for always being there for me while I took this endeavor. Whenever I feel my braces brushing the insides of my lips, the picture of me smiling with a semi-perfect set of teeth in the future enters my imagination. Thank you for your efforts, and I hope both of you will continue to be there until that time comes.

Pointwest Blue, baby!

Confession?

I'm in a point wherein I want to tell somebody that I really like him. However, I am not certain if the person likes me as well, or if I am denying the fact that he likes me too. Liking and loving somebody are two different things, and I know for certain that I am not in the level of loving him. I have to admit, he has constantly been in my head for the past few days. Before, I would just shrug the feeling off, and it would slowly melt away. But I have noticed in the past couple of days that even if I brush it aside, I find myself teetering into thinking about him. I would like to know him more, because I want to understand him more as a person.

However, I'm afraid that I'm just using my feelings towards him as a tool to move on. I wanted to move on using my own two feet, however I wasn't given the chance to do so. Maybe I was, and this path I'm treading is a result of my decision. It was possible that I found myself in a diverging path: one walking to no, the other leading to go. I took the chance and followed him. Hopefully, whatever the outcomes may be, I would be proud of what I will become, molded by the choices that I have made.

Unrequited Love

Somebody loves me. I know that he will never mean harm to me. I know with him, I will always feel the endearing sense of security all of us is searching for. Deep down inside, I love him too.

But here I am, liking someone else. Things have happened in the past that is stopping me from taking his hand to forever. I feel I have done my part. I have given everything I am able to give. My heart has grown to like him even more,  however my mind learned from the painful past. I have decided to choose myself.

I chose to walk alone this boulevard of broken dreams. I cannot say I am happy, but I can say I am content.

He doesn't deserve this. Not at all.

Father's Day

I've never been close to my dad. I feel as if I wasn't the best son a dad could have. There have been a lot of opportunities for me to express my gratitude, but all I ever did was to take him for granted. He is almost sixty, and he is still working. He has endured the hardship of living away from his family for work, and he still continues the burden of being part of the workforce up to this day. At least, the heavens has always blessed him with great health, even if he has vices.

All I ever thought of is myself. I have stopped to think about what he felt or thought, but all of that remained inside my head. I know I could be a better son, but I want to be a better person first.

Not like this post would change anything. Maybe that's why the rain hasn't stopped falling.

Brighter Side of Things

For the past few days, I have been wallowing in my self-created puddle of sadness. I felt so content in drowning myself with all the negativity in the world. Being pessimistic has always worked for me. It has (sadly) turned into a defense mechanism -- my stream of consciousness and personality is yanked out of the brighter side of things toward the cold shadows of grief. I find solace in solitude: it helps me recuperate whatever pain that caused me to shift out of normalcy in the first place.

A few days have passed, and I feel better. Once again, I have started to stare towards the bright glare of the sun rather than shy away from it. My feet guided my body to bask in the sun's brilliant radiance. I felt the heat slowly pricking my pores. It was either one of those small nothings that made me feel alive appeared right before my eyes, or opened my eyes to see some light.

Trust

For others, trust is something one merits. Certitude is given when a person proves themselves worthy and dependable. But for me, trust is something one demerits. I easily give my assurance to people, and continue to do so when I see their worth and intention. I give everyone the chance to be trusted, and the chance to prove to their very own self why they remain to be trustworthy.

People may see this as something ridiculous, a median from being a plain dunce. It might seem as if it contradicts the natural order of things. After all, we were taught not to talk to strangers, moreover trust people we do not know that well.

But for me, a person who amiably took care of the reliance I gave them shows me how much they value me as a person and as a friend.

So what happens when a person loses trust in himself?

Anger Under a Starless Sky

I felt so angry yesterday evening that I was pushed to tears. The feeling of hostility filled me to the limits that I wanted to destroy anything that came into my reach. Wanting to tear everything piece by piece, I punched a wall and felt my fist scream in pain. I let the pain fill my body to calm it. But a few minutes after, I slowly felt anger once again reigning my mind, and all I could do to stop it was to cry.

Everything had to happen in a single day. I tried to hold on for as long as I could, but my strength wasn't enough.

I laid on my bed and stared outside the window. Under the stillness of the night, I found myself wiping my tears under a starless sky.

Coming Home

I've been dreaming of a friend of mine living abroad for the past couple of nights. According to him, he's coming home soon, and is looking forward to finally meeting me in person.

I'll be a hypocrite if I said I'm not looking forward to meet him, but for some reason, I'm not ecstatic or overly excited about it. I actually have some doubts about him, but maybe it's just me putting a negative face. I find it easier that way.

Like before, a part of me says no, and another says go. Life is so ironic -- the things that make it difficult are the same things that make it interesting. Nothing worth having comes easy, and I believe I have to make a decision on this chance life is giving me.

Brown Shoes

During lunch, a friendly conversation heated into a debate, with me noticeably raising a tone. An officemate of mine pointed out that I was unusually irritable today. She asked me how come I was bugnutin today, and I joked that it was because I wore leather shoes to work. The weather was in a rotten mood. Little did I know that I myself was showing signs of cloudy skies.

I stayed a little longer in bed because the rain made getting out of bed difficult. The cold air made me tuck into my warm and cozy bed for a few more minutes. My mom, generous as she is, offered me a ride to work which I gratefully accepted. As we carefully tread the wet, slippery roads of Commonwealth, I broke the news that I was already a regular in my company. She was ecstatic, and so was I. Going to work, I was such in a sunny mood, so I paused to think what happened that made me act as if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Right then, I remembered why. I always ask God to make me patient, and he always heeds my prayers and gives me reasons to be patient. Today however, I think I lost control and made my emotions spill over. Instead of cleaning it up, I just covered it up with an artificial excuse of being happy -- and wasn't too aware about it.

I have only worn my brown leather shoes twice before today, and I was actually thrilled to see it in pristine condition. With a few wipes, it looked sleek and brand new. However, as soon as I wore it, my feet suddenly yearned for the comfort of my raddled sneakers.

Last Known Good Configuration

The "Last Known Good Configuration" option was first introduced in Microsoft 2000 and is available in all later versions of Windows, including Windows XP. This feature enables the user to revert back to the last working version of Microsoft Windows. This is a great setup when trying to fix issues with a computer not being able to load into Windows.

To load the last known good configuration in these versions of Windows, reboot the computer. As it is booting, repeatedly press the F8 key, which should bring up the "Windows Advanced Options Menu". Use the arrow keys to navigate to "Last Known Good Configuration", then press Enter.

A Genuine Feeling

My birthday passed just like any ordinary day. A few of my friends greeted me which warmed my heart. It was a pleasant feeling. For a moment, I felt content. But after those fleeting seconds, the air was once again saturated with a heavy, uncomfortable feeling. It was as if there was something I needed to do, something I wanted to do, but couldn't. My heart wanted to search for that warm patch of sunlight, but my body and my mind were frightened stiff from the unknown.

No, I was wrong when I said I wanted a genuine smile. What I have lost is the capacity to produce a genuine feeling. Swimming in a seemingly endless ocean of shallow emotions, I wonder what happened that stripped me the ability to feel with my entire heart. I've always been proud to be a deep, kindhearted person. Now, all I see in the mirror is a ghost of the past, an empty shell of the proud present I was.

A Genuine Smile

It's my 23rd birthday tomorrow.

Like my previous birthday, I'm not looking forward to this "special day". I've been going in and out of small states of depression, and today seems to be the all-time low. Not that I want to do stupid things or what; it's just that for some reason, I have lost the ability to smile for no apparent reason. For the past few months, I always found a reason to smile: the nice weather, silly little things that make me happy, or just plain seeing my friends at work. Now, everything seems so heavy. I can't imagine how happy and content I became when I saw the simple things most people overlook in the everyday things we encounter. Time in and time out, I find myself staring to an invisible horizon, spacing out for no tangible reason. It is as if I'm continually searching for something deep inside, even if I have long realized that I have already lost it.

I miss the feeling of a genuine smile. If there is one present I'd like to receive, it's that.