Lola Taba

Lola Marcelina, who we call Lola Taba, passed away this Christmas morning due to complications resulting from a heart attack. She is a younger sister of Lola Pen.

We called her Lola Taba because of her roly-poly frame. Always wearing a smile and bursting into laughter, she was very much easy to like and get along. However, things changed for the worse ever since her husband, Lolo Pepe, passed away a few years ago. She has been through a lot ever since Lolo's sad passing. Lola Taba has been through from mental lapses due to old age to familial disputes because of family properties. As the years passed, she eroded from a rotund and jolly person to a withered and sad one. Her smiles became rare occurrences as she never seemed to have moved on from her husband's death.

It may sound harsh, but it seems that she has received the best Christmas gift -- to be one again with God and her beloved husband and together live in eternal peace and happiness. To anyone reading this, please spare a small moment of your time to pray for her eternal repose. As always, God in His infinite kindness and mercy will surely find a way to repay you for your generosity.

Incomplete

My Christmas this year isn't the same as all the Christmases I had for the past twenty-three years.

Despite being surrounded by loving family, I feel bitterly unloved. Even if I am always with my fun-loving friends, I feel desperately alone. Even if I have received many small gifts that came from the heart, my hands feel empty, trembling in the cold air synonymous to the season.

It is as if I wake up one morning and everything became so incomplete.

Am I just being selfish to silently desire for something better?

Build Number One: Floor (Part Eighteen)

It has been almost  ten months since I was assigned to Omega. Tonight for the very first time, I was tasked to send our codes to our onsite counterparts: a process we call as building. It is one of those little things that makes me feel a real part of the team, since it is something not usually done by people who have just been introduced to the team.

For the first time in the week, it was alright for me to stay behind and wait until the task was done. I found myself always wanting to go home at the soonest possible time, but tonight was something different. I felt a sense of accomplishment to stay behind. I felt proud -- a small but very significant manner.

There are just times when people feel too down to even help their own self, but there always comes a reason for people to look up once again and see the things they almost missed.

Constitution (File 6)

According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,

--
Your Measurements:
 --
Weight: 154lb 10oz / 70.2kg
Height: 6ft 1.2in / 186cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.3kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M

Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 118 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 53 mmHg

Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.6%
Fat Mass: 17lb 13oz / 8.1kg
Free Fat Mass: 136lb 12oz / 62.1kg

Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 101 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 166 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 43 P/min

--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg

Overheard

I shuffled my feet to the restroom as I took a break from our dance practice for our performance in the party this Thursday. It should have been a very ordinary trip to the loo, but something happened that was quite awkward.

As soon as I pushed the heavy restroom door open, I overheard two people talking to one another:

"Alam mo ba yung sa Java, yung..."

And then they stopped as soon as they noticed I was there.

As I was taking a leak, I waited for him to continue what he was saying, but he didn't. The other guy asked what was that about, but the other answered something like it's up for the other person to know. I can't stop thinking that they were talking about me, but I thought that it was also possible that he stopped because he knew I belong to Java and that I might know whoever the person they were supposed to talk about. I wanted to see if he was whispering things to his friend, but I didn't since it would be too obvious that I was listening to what they were saying. But honestly, I hope it was about me since I have a secret admiration on the one who initiated the conversation. It matters for me because he matters for me.

---
A week has passed, but sadly, nothing seems to have changed.

Unstill

Peace in seclusion
Solace in silence
Rest in isolation

I've lost my way
Happiness always
A day away.


I give up.

Eleven Months Ago

At this very moment, the wolf has turned eleven months old.

During the past eleven months, many things have changed. I am now a taxable figure of the country, and all I ever think about is how to become a millionaire. People came and went in my life, some I regret, and some I am very much thankful for. I have experienced a lot of embarrassing things, but I also had times when I overflowed with an indomitable ardor for excellence.

But one thing is still the same: I will continue to make my own decisions and weave my own path in the loom of destiny. I have opened and closed many chapters in my story, and I will continue to do so in the many midnights to come.

Lola Pen (Part 2)

To all those who prayed for Lola Pen's recovery, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Thankfully, she's doing well and is solidly in the path to full recovery.

We went to Bulacan to visit her today, and to our relief, she's very much back to her usual old self again. Our Pen is still as lively as ever, and was very happy to see us. Aside from the bandage wrapped around her head, she was pretty much the same. Nagmano ako and kissed her cheek, and soon after, she started to tremble as she tried to stop her tears that started to well in her eyes. My mom cheered her up, but Pen seemingly said to herself "muntik na". True enough, we feared the worst might happen, but God was very kind and granted everyone another chance to show how much we love Pen.

Again, for all who prayed for her, thank you. I'm sure God will have His way of repaying you for your generosity and kindness. Thank you very much, and I pray that may He keep us safe from harm and protect us always.

Out of Convenience

A week ago, my old college friends and I met up for some so much needed get together. It's true that each and every one that attended has become more or less an adult in terms of priorities and responsibilities. The usual chitchat of the hottest happenings in school was in fact still the things that we talked about all night long, since it was one of the experiences we all shared together.

And true enough, one of my friends was once again placed on the hot seat because her relationship with another friend of ours intrigued us, since all she ever did was to avoid the topic from being discussed. It turned out that now, they were in the dark about each other. It was as if they had mutually called off their relationship, if there was indeed any. A few more drinks until I was inebriate, I asked her why didn't she fend for their relationship, and her reply was that she no longer knew if she just liked the person out of the convenience of they could see each other everyday at work.

After stopping to think about what she said, I gave her a fist bump. I've been currently distraught about my feelings toward my friends at work, and "out of convenience" pretty much hits the spot. I understood what she meant: liking someone out of convenience isn't a pleasant feeling. The person becomes a reminder that he or she has become a scapegoat for one's longings for requited love.

But seriously, being single isn't all that bad. It is a time where you can love yourself so you can fully love another.

Lola Pen

My 83 year old grandmother, who we fondly call Pen, met an unfortunate accident early this morning that left us deeply worried about her. She has already endured through an episode of stroke, a period of depression, and is bravely fighting the onset of Parkinson's. The things that happened today alarmed and made us realize even more that we can lose her any moment, no matter how enthusiastic her outlook in life and how strong at heart she is.

I am not too aware of the details that happened. But what I know is that she fell in a very ill way that left her scalp split open, skull exposed. Apparently, their Pitbull broke free of its leash, and Pen at the spur of the moment, tried to block the strong dog with her frail body. The dog ran the old lady over, which made her lose her balance and fall down to the pavement hard. My distressed aunt immediately rushed her to the hospital, fearing an internal hemorrhage since Pen vomited no less than three times. She quickly called my mom after to tell her what happened, who told the news to us.

As I learned what happened to her, I silently prayed to God to give Pen and everybody that loves her dearly strength in this moment of trial. I very rarely pray to God for personal favors, but this is just something different.

This afternoon, I have received a text message from my mom that Pen's head scans revealed no internal hemorrhage. She underwent an operation to reconstruct her damaged scalp and close her wound. As of tonight, it is a relief for everyone as she's doing well at the hospital. With prayers, I hope that she completely recovers from this ordeal.

To anybody reading this, please spare a small prayer for her, and for us as well. I am sure God, with His infinite kindness, will repay you for your generosity.

Gaga Over Gaga

Day in and day out at the office, I've been finding myself increasingly attracted to the pop dance music of Lady Gaga. I don't usually blog about things like these, but heck, I just can't get her music out of my head. My body nonchalantly grooves with the lively beats of the songs she herself composes. She's hailed as a saint amongst the rainbow community, but I admire her as a self-proclaimed creative person. Even though Gaga has a very eccentric style and personality, she has a way of blending it to her musical virtuoso -- and that is what makes Lady Gaga jive to my own move.

There are a share of people who sees her as a genius and as a freak. People are simply weirded out by her brazen fashion ensembles, while others hail her as the next greatest icon. Other people also say she is an instrument of the occult as reflected in her songs and videos. Everybody deserves their own opinions, and I'm just a fan who admires her strong personality and move inducing songs. I have to admit, I don't understand what she does from time to time, but who am I to stop how she expresses herself?

In dancing, a beat is as good as any other, but her songs mixed with shimmery glass-synth music to body blasting bass beats is in a winning battle against my own monsters of insecurity. While watching and practicing dance breakdowns over and over again, I have learned that it is all about accepting and embracing things for their worth. "How will people accept a person if that person cannot accept their own self?" It's that cliche question everybody's heard of, just like a 5-6-7-8. 

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Sick Elbow

My left elbow has been in pain for several weeks now.

The pain isn't that bad. I can still do everyday things without any difficulties. A bolt of pain just occasionally blitzes through my left arm whenever my elbow gets stretched too quickly or too far. The pain is less now, but it's still there.

I'm pointing my fingers on two culprits: me not doing enough warm-up before I exercised, or very early arthritis. Hopefully, it's just an over strained muscle or a hyper stretched tendon. I feel relief whenever I place a menthol plaster on the area, and that is enough to keep me from getting too worried.

As a result, I have been out in the cold in terms of training for almost over a month now. I am restraining myself even if I'm dying to do so to avoid making my injury worse. I can manage to train as long as I warm-up well and good, but I'm just being extra careful.

Any muscle I've added to my thin arms have atrophied by now -- something I regret. I've worked so hard to gain that little, and it seems that I have pushed myself too far and gave myself an injury. What the coaches said was true: the value of warming-up is usually learned the hard way, and the hard way it was for me.

Not pushing one's self to do more won't do any good, but pushing one's self too far is far more worse. I think it is all about learning the fine line between utter mediocrity and sheer stupidity.

Self-Assessment : Floor (Part Seventeen)

Today, I completed a self-assessment test to measure how well I was faring in our company, career wise. The test was less than 15 questions, but what was tedious about it was that I needed to constantly check what the criteria were in a given dictionary. There were several levels in each proficiency, and each level had a detailed description in the said dictionary. Needless to say, rating myself was an eye opener for me because after almost a year in work, I finally managed to see what was expected from me. And frankly, it was quite depressing to see myself ticking ones and twos in ratings of fours or fives. It was exactly what I said before I graduated: work, in one way or another, meant starting things all over again.

I happily let out a huge sigh of relief as I pressed the submit button, and thought to myself what my next step would be. In the test, my common reason for marking was I still lacked initiative. So will I take this as a challenge to step up, or will I just stand back and be duly content with what I have?

Ennui

I do find a sense of security in repetition, however, there are times when I feel listless and dissatisfied. I feel I have lost the adventurous side of myself: always looking for something new, and always learning things while admiring the magnificent view.

It's a struggle to stay interested, but am I the one to blame when things are just dull and lifeless?

Trick or Treat: Floor (Part Sixteen)

Today, children of employees at work came to do some trick or treating. Feeling the spirit of spooks and scares, I decided to craft a mask that was a cross between the antagonist in Predator, and Jenova, the antagonist in Final Fantasy VII.

When I was making it, I didn't expect it to be frightening at all. But after I have glued and taped down the last few wires and let the silver paint dry up, it started to look unsettling. What completed the look was the black electrical tape that I added in an ecks across the lips. It wasn't the usual Halloween scare, rather it was something weird and eerie to the point that it was already disturbing.

It was a silver cyborg face which broke to freedom but was pacified, never to tell the tale about it.

As I wore my creation, children didn't mind my presence. They were too fixated on the sheer quantity of candies and treats people prepared. However, there was one little girl who looked at me in the eyes, fumbled backwards, and started to cry. What I did was to wave back at her, and that succeeded in cheering her up. I was relieved that I didn't scare her off. I made my mask not to scare children away, but to appease the desire in my hands to do something creative.

The busy day ended with the children all going home with a bag full of sweets and smiles painted across their happy little faces. I, feeling a sense of proud achievement to Jenova (a teammate of mine told me I looked like Jenova), laid her beside my monitor at work: an eerie and constant reminder that I can achieve things when I put my mind to it.

Always Smiling

The day of our orientation about Pointwest was a sleepy day for me. I stayed up late the previous evening, since we went to Bulacan to take part in my grandfather's anniversary. It has been a sacred tradition for us, since anyone who broke to his last wish would feel his presence.

The icebreaker for that day was to say your name, and to say something unique about yourself. Nadja, one of the facilitators, started by saying her name and some details about her. She also shared that no matter how tired she was, she never ever frowns in front of people -- hindi siya nagbuborsimangot. I was aptly intrigued. In the back of my mind, I thought it was impossible.

At almost eleven months into my stay here at Pointwest, true enough, I've never seen Nadja frown. I've seen her get upset, but never did I witness her smile turn upside down.

For the past few days, I've been getting increasingly tired. My lack of discipline pushes me to stay up late, making me late for work or be extremely groggy during the day. I manage to always stay lively at work, but when I get home, I just feel so tired in many ways that I frown just about everything. Nadja may have inspired me for always trying to be cheerful, and I'm pleased about it. Now, I just want to stay happy at home even if I'm really worn out, because I am happy and content at my home.

[Raven]

I've finally bought her. She's an Xbox 360 slim, a 250 GB beauty bundled with the awesome device named Kinect. After four or so months of putting aside a part of my salary, she's here. I'm planning to call her Raven, but I'm still considering other names.

She's to become the life of the party, always placing grins on happy people's faces. In the end, I bought her thinking not only about myself, but other people as well.

Two Choices

I'm slowly starting to grow independent of "that" site. I've told myself over and over that it will not bring me any good. However, I cannot convince myself not to pay a visit. Like a drug, I have grown addicted to it: the plentiful locales showing off their ripped bodies, putting on their most handsome of smiles, and of course, a few daunting enough to show their engorged packages.

In that gay market, your body is the currency to a new relationship. People glance through profile after profile in search for one thing: free sex. Yes, there are people much more better than that, however, the truth lies in the fact that most of the members there are after a quick thrill to quench one's carnal desires and bodily pleasures.

To be blunt, I can do it all by myself. I've been joking around with my friends online: I'm in a relationship with my right hand.

I've been single for almost a year, and I'm still alive. More importantly, I am content in being single. Yes, I do miss the times when I have someone to cuddle to during the cold, rainy weather. I miss the quiet times of eating with your special someone in a very ordinary place -- however your special someone makes everything out of the ordinary. I am a hopeless romantic and an eternal dreamer, but I have learned that reality isn't all that hard, once I understood how to accept it. I quote myself a few months back: being single is a choice.

Years ago, I've cursed everything for making me gay. I felt as if everything is twice as difficult because I was erroneous. I couldn't like the people I liked. People bullied me for being different from them. I've cried so much that my eyes dried up, unwilling to shed another teardrop. But, growing older, living life, and having friends that accepted me no matter who I was made me realize one thing: being gay is a choice. It might have been a choice I made without my full knowledge, but to no regrets. I have accepted who I am, and if given another choice, I'd still choose to be gay. It is who I am.

Being gay in a homophobic society isn't easy. It is a constant battle between fitting in and standing out. I admire all the gay people who step out of the closet, but I do respect all the gay men living in the darkest corners of it. Everyone has their own choices, and it is through my choices that I will make a difference, at least in my own life.

Destiny gives us chances; we make the choices.

Drew Manning's Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit

There is a personal trainer in America who's becoming obese in purpose.

Drew Manning, a certified gym rat rocking a chiseled body of 193 lbs, has gained about 70 lbs of fat deliberately. He has turned from lean to obese in over three and a half months. And news say he still has four more weeks into his self-ballooning. All his weight came from all sorts of junk food and sugary treats that he'd never touched before, coupled with him not exercising as regularly.

In the news, he explains that this is personal mission named Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit, and that he's currently in the Fit 2 Fat part. Manning shares that in becoming obese, he has taken for granted the simple, everyday things that he never had any problems when his stomach was still flat, such as tying shoelaces or clipping toenails. Now, at a staggering 261 lbs, he admits that he misses his old, energetic self, since when he gained all that extra weight, he has become sluggish and lazy. His point in doing so is that he wanted to understand how people who has problems with their weight feel, and prove that he can return to his regular, impressive physique. If he can do it, so can others, with nerves of steel, unwavering dedication, and unfaltering discipline at hand.

My personal conquest in gaining weight has become a battle of discipline, with me always losing day in and day out. I know the key in gaining weight is eating nutritious food and getting an ample amount of quality sleep. Yes, I have become more conscious about the food I eat, but I always end up staying until the wee hours of the morning, feeling sluggish in waking up the following day. I have been reminding myself constantly that I will never hit the gym until I learn the discipline that it requires. And true enough, I am correct in saying myself so.

Stepping Up: Floor (Part Sixteen)

One of the former team leads of Omega, who is now assigned in Atlanta, generously sent some cash for the team. Our project manager quickly elected to have a team lunch, thanks to the money our friend gave us.

While waiting for our order to arrive, our project manager cracked a joke in saying that he'll be leaving Omega, and that he'll form a new team consisting of all of the current leads of our team. With everyone laughing, one of my colleagues replied that that will be the end of Omega. But, our manager said that if ever the moon was shot, it would be the opportune time to step up and show our potentials as future leads.

At the back of my head, I wondered if the time will come when I will become a team lead. Ten months in, and I can't say that I'm willing to lead a team, let alone handle a person as my junior. I dislike being responsible for someone else, because from time to time, I feel that I don't have the capacity to take full responsibility over my own actions. I can proudly say that I have been stepping up and doing my best as a junior developer, but I can't say so when the time comes.

Maybe in time, I'll be ready. Just maybe.

Anticipation

If there is one word that can describe what I'm feeling right now, it's disappointed.

I've been very excited in buying something for myself. As I withdrew my hard earned savings, I wondered if it wasn't a selfish move on my part. Deciding that this one was for me, I anxiously waited in full anticipation for Sunday to arrive, only to find out that what I wanted to buy was out of stock. Sigh. I had the gut feel that it was the case, but I didn't pay attention. As I went home, I hid the heavy feeling that replaced my enthusiasm and put on a face that said everything was alright, even though it wasn't.

I'll be back on Saturday, anyways.

Out of Respect (Part Two)

Again, I've had another heated argument with my mom. It's not as bad as the last time, but still, she raised her irritated voice at me. I don't have any bad sentiments against my mom. I love her very much since she has given a lot of things I am thankful for. But I hope she understands that sometimes, things happen because of her.

Last week, I asked permission that my sister and I will be borrowing the car today and tomorrow, since we will be going to the dentist and to Greenhills, respectively. Asking if we have any plans to go out, she shook her head, and nodded in approval for us to take the car. But a few days ago, she said that they will be using the car tonight, since they will be fetching my dad's new prescription glasses. Being patient and accepting compromise, we adjusted our previously afternoon schedule to the dentist to a morning one instead. Saturday comes, and I wake up to find out that she went to the market, only to come back half past noon.

In whole honesty, I wasn't a bit surprised. I was actually expecting something like that to happen, because she always does that whenever we'll use the car.

My sister and I got back home at around five this afternoon, as agreed upon by my mom. She greets us by asking what took us so long, and that she was supposed to be picking up my dad at his office at that time. I told her that the dentist did a lot of work to both my sister and I. She snapped back with a raised tone that she was only asking and that I didn't need to be angry. Maybe she felt that I was raising my voice at her, but I wasn't. Deep inside, I wanted to tell her that our schedule was supposed to be early this morning, and that she came back after lunch.

Out of respect, I just walked away. I just hope she understands that a reason why we were late was because she was late as well. I know she does, that's why I'm disappointed.

Selfish?

I'm planning to buy something worth over half of my savings from work. I was so excited, but then I thought if I really wanted that thing that bad. Heck, I even thought if I needed it. With so many things happening around, a lot of people need any kind of help, even from strangers.

Strangers, huh?

But I've decided: it's a gift for myself from myself. It's about time that I started to think about myself, and not just each and every single person I see. Being selfish isn't my case here, it's just me curbing my overly altruistic self that usually denies me of what I want, or even what I really deserve.

These Times

These kinds of times just really do happen. You feel you have a lot of things in your hands that you are forced to let some fall out of your grasp and wander away from your focus, even just a while.

I've been somewhat neglecting my blog. Either I have been really busy at work, or I am too tired to think of something meaningful to write to my future self. I just want to feel inspired, even if nothing is actually there to inspire me.

Missing Someone

"Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of times since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right there by your side."

Freedom?

In economics, there is no such thing as a free meal. The true cost of anything is what one gives up in order to attain it. In each opportunity we choose to hold onto, there may be numerous other choices that we no longer have the ability to see and choose. It is certainly possible that we may never know what these opportune moments are, but the fact remains that these things can no longer be a part of our being.

In every single thing we choose, we certainly give up something else. A sacrifice of not choosing will definitely grant us new choices. Each has its own merits, but which one is better? I firmly believe that our freedom comes from our ability to make choices, but now, I'm having second thoughts. It seems that each time I make a decision, a small part of my freedom withers away, never to be seen again till the end of time.

Constitution (File 5)

According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,

--
Your Measurements:
 --
Weight: 153lb 8oz / 69.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.2in / 186cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.1kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M

Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 100 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 69 mmHg

Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 10.7%
Fat Mass: 16lb 4oz / 7.4kg
Free Fat Mass: 137lb 3oz / 62.3kg

Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 96 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 111 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 52 P/min

--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg

Abroad

After a long wait, my passport has finally arrived. The grueling processing in the Department of Foreign Affairs resulted in a stiff document in brown sleeves. The very first thing that I thought was that it was a convenient item to have, since most application forms require proof of identity: a passport was one of those documents accepted. I have always had an "identity crisis" being not having enough identification that is recognized by banks or institutions. But then, I realized that hey, this is actually my passport. It had my face printed in shiny material on the first page of it. I realized that this same document will be my gateway to different places, hopefully all over the world. As far as I can remember, it has always been a dream of mine to travel to different countries and get exposed to beautiful places, know interesting cultures, and meet unique people.

And this document with a semblance to crisp money is the first key among many.

Team Omega: Floor (Part Fifteen)

Omega, my team at work, had a night out at my boss' house last Friday. A lot of fun things happened, and in fact, it was one of the best night outs to date.

Looking at the current situation of our company, it seems that people are relatively dissatisfied at least about something. For others, it is the meager compensation as compared to other companies. For some people, it is about the people they are working with: either too bossy and self-centered, or just doesn't give a damn at all.

I have to say that am lucky that I feel pretty much content with what I have. The benefits can definitely better, but my consolation is that I am working with people who I get along with well. At least for now, that's enough.

Simple Things: Floor (Part Fourteen)

Work today was one of those experiences wherein you tend to ask yourself if you'll wish for something more.

Time steadily soldiered onwards as the day progressed. I briefly explained how a part of our application worked to our two new teammates. I found it interesting that I managed to fluently explain how things went by -- and fluency isn't one of my best assets. Even more, I enjoyed myself in explaining how the processes went. Maybe it was just me enjoying a small, intimate group, or me having a great time in proving to myself that I could do it.

Right after that, I tagged along with a few friends of mine to eat some good old street food. It was then that I realized how I missed how nice vinegar and onions tasted on fishballs and kikiam. It was a slice of a shallow paradise -- the dusk sun slowly creeping away, the noise of vehicles rushing by, and of course, the smell of cooking oil frying some skewer delights.

I felt very mababaw, as a matter of fact. Sometimes, when things get very busy, I fail to see the simple things that make me feel content deep inside. And to me, those things are the things that matter the most.

Out of Respect

A few days ago, my mom just snapped. She went into a furious episode of saying things out of anger. It started because she thought that my dad was the one who set up the dining table. We all know that my mom dislikes that, since my dad is the one working and putting food in the table. I understand her sentiment, but what she did back then was a little bit too far, in my opinion.

She burst into yelling and yelling about things all of us already know. Her feelings were she's the only one moving in the house to do chores, and it was us crossing the line when my dad starts to do them too. A little irritated, I told her without raising my voice that I was the one who set up the table, but she just shrugged it off, telling me how incomplete my job was. I just totally lost my appetite and walked away without saying anything else.

In my room, my brother told me that I shouldn't have done what I did. He thought that I just made things worse for all of us. I asked him if what I did was wrong. He said no, and before he could say anything else, I told him that if that's the case, how will I make things, ugly as they were, uglier? It was just me standing up for what I believed is right. Yes, I agree that my mom does most of the work, but it wasn't correct that she treated us lower than our pet dogs. All of us do something to help with the chores in the house, and it wasn't right for her to just snap out like that.

I'm not angry. Probably I'm just a little disappointed on my mom because I thought that she can be better than that. I respect her so much, and hopefully, she knows that I do.

Constitution (File 4)

According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,

--
Your Measurements:
 --
Weight: 155lb 11oz / 70.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.6in / 187cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.2kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M

Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 124 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 72 mmHg

Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.1%
Fat Mass: 17lb 2oz / 7.8kg
Free Fat Mass: 138lb 8oz / 62.9kg

Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 81 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 133 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 68 P/min

--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg

Measurement: Floor (Part Thirteen)

Since I started working, I have believed that this career is not the career I will be in in the future. I am not saying that I do not like programming at all. Programming brings me a love-hate relationship: I love it during those times wherein I surmount a seemingly impossible obstacle, and I hate it during the times wherein I realize there is a seemingly impossible obstacle. It has been a constant cycle of loving and hating, and I have learned to like and accept it as an integral part of who I am today. For the past eight months, I have not totally regretted a day that has passed, however I can just imagine myself enjoying more in another career.

During my sophomore year in college, a senior shared his thoughts with the question if my course will make me happy. His stand was simple: if you find yourself constantly pushing your limits to do better each time, then yes, that is the course for you. However, if most of the time you find yourself bordering the lines of mediocrity and failure, then it's time to reconsider. There are plenty times wherein I answered the call to step up and persevere, but there are also the times wherein I told myself that I was tired, and let someone else carry the flag for all of us. Honestly, I am happy and content with what I am doing, but there are those times wherein I feel empty inside. A part of me wants to do something else, but another part of me is settled to being who I am now -- and that is what troubles me the most.

Cologne

A few weeks ago, I went out with someone who was very vocal in telling me that he liked me. He would constantly ask me how I was doing, how my day was turning out, and how I was feeling. He knew what I was going through, and fair enough, he was one of the people whom I believed would understand what was happening to me. I sincerely trusted his words of encouragement, to the point that I relied on him for support.

But I was afraid. I wasn't ready. I honestly didn't know if I liked him for being that way, or because of the fact that I was going through something painful and didn't want to be lonely. With his honesty in mind, I gathered enough courage to tell him that I wasn't so sure of what I felt for him. He gave me some time and space to consider what I was really feeling, but it came to the point wherein he just couldn't bare it any longer.

I was too selfish for my own good. I told him that I wanted to think of my own happiness first before others, and that I believed that during that time, being alone was the right thing to do. It didn't exactly bring me happiness, but it brought me happiness contained in the fact that I was doing what I believed to be the correct step forward. In a very civil and composed manner, he told me everything that I did or did not do that brought about him pain, and that it was better to forget about each other.

At first, I didn't want to let go. However, I thought that he didn't deserve to be chained down, waiting for a future that was uncertain. Telling him that I understood why he felt that way, I asked him if he'll accept my apology for a chance for him to be my friend. I really wanted him to be a good friend because of his very kind and honest heart, but he said he wasn't sure.

I felt so ashamed of myself.

A few weeks have passed, and I learned that he now has a boyfriend. I was not surprised because of that, but what bewildered me was how I felt when I learned about it. It was a mix of four strong emotions that had a crude blend. The result was something unpleasant, but I managed to fight it off and tell myself that at least, he will forget about me.

The thing I regret doing was me taking him for granted. Yes, I was going through a lot, but it was not enough an excuse to take someone important for granted. I just sort of believed that he would understand me as he underwent the same things that I went through, and that was wrong. In the end, I only caused him pain, which was something he didn't deserve at all.

Until now, I am still uncertain about my feelings for him. But now, I have no more reason to think about it. Going back to the happier times, I asked him what was the cologne he wore when we went out. He wouldn't tell, and said that he'll give me some as a gift since I really liked it. As I was doing my groceries yesterday, I curiously picked up a bottle of cologne and tried it out -- it was his. Putting the small bottle in my basket, I wondered if my decision some weeks ago was the right thing.

It was. Painful as it may have been, but it was.

Insanity

It's time to pull the plug, once and for all.

Sanity

I feel I've been ripped out of my life...
And put somewhere else.
We're facing a long, hard journey
Maybe even harder than I can imagine...
I guess I'm losing hope.
But like I said,
It's all about slim chances now.
And a slim chance is better than none.
One thing I know with certainty:
We're moving on.
We can't give up.

- Rick Grimes, The Walking Dead

Choices?

No matter how firm my belief in making choices are, there are still moments wherein I seriously doubt my capability of choosing the right thing to do. I always feel that the decisions I make aren't the choice that will make people the happiest. With all the things going on right now, I start to question which is the better choice: the one that will make people happy, or the one that will make people better.

Only time can tell, and only if time gave a proper response during times like these.

Choices: Moving On

A little while ago, I accompanied Iyhan to his aunt's house in Sta. Mesa. We brought most of his belongings there, since he will be staying there for a week before he moves to his new place somewhere along Shaw.

I finally got to meet his relatives and see his house before he moved into ours. It was sad to realize that despite him persistently trying to come with him to Sta. Mesa back when we were still together, I just said no and no. He told me that was the problem with me: it didn't seem that I wanted to know him because I didn't want to meet his family and relatives. After giving out a sharp excuse, I admitted to him that yes, that was one of my faults. It was like he belonged in my family, but I didn't belong in his. Back then, I felt really insecure about myself. In the back of my head, I didn't want to meet his family because I didn't want to think what was his family's impression of me. That was what I always thought, but now, it's about time to change things. Thanks to him, now I feel more confident and reassured about myself unlike before.

Going home, I asked him if he'll still come over at our house from time to time. He remained silent for a few moments, and replied that he's not sure if he'll be able to. Muttering a muffled response, I turned my attention to the movie that was going on. I felt my heart break in thinking that this day might be the last day that I'll ever see him. I can't blame him in thinking that way, and all I told myself was that this was all for the best. I'm sure it will be a pain unlike anything I've ever felt before, but I need to carry forward and endure it, for the sake of all the things we've been through together, and maybe for my own sake as well. I just care for him so much, even if he doesn't realize that anymore.

It's true that once you learn to truly love someone, that person will forever be a part of you no matter what may happen. Farewells may come one day, but there will always be things that will never, ever change.

Choices

For the sake of my future self, I write this entry to serve as a reminder that not all happy things stay that way. No matter how perfect things may seem, everything and anything comes to a close. It is up to each and one of us to cast our own cards in the gamble of life. All of us, at one point in our lives, need to make a choice, and it is by choices that we rise above being just victims of destiny and circumstance.

It isn't uncommon for a person like me to meet someone through online means. It was in the internet I met my boyfriend, Iyhan. He was my very first partner, and I felt very happy and lucky to be with a person like him. Knowing him more, he has overcome a lot of trials and obstacles in his life. His strong eyebrows reflected his strong spirit and personality: I felt very secure in the strength he carried around him whenever we were together. As each day passed, I fell in love in him again and again. The more I knew about him, the more I wanted to be with him. I felt so reassured that he will never let anything sad happen to the both of us because he has stood time and time again after each and every fall he took.

I felt safe and secure whenever we're together. That was what mattered that time.

A few months passed, I started to change not for the better, but perhaps for the worse for both of us. I became increasingly irritable and moody. Being a person who valued personal time and space, I felt that I no longer have time for myself. It was as if everywhere I looked, he was there. I was so desperate that I asked him to give me some space and time alone, and that he did. Three months into our relationship, we broke up, only for me to go back to him two weeks later saying that I couldn't do it without him. I have grown so reliant on him -- his strength has become my strength.

After our anniversary, I decided to let him stay here in our home, with my family. He was practically alone in Manila, since his family resided in Quezon. The only relatives he had here was the family of his aunt. Working until the wee hours in the morning back then, I was worried about his health since he was unable to sleep soundly during the day because there were rowdy, playful children in his aunt's house. Our house always a welcome home for our friends, my mother and my family welcomed him without any questions. I was at peace that time because I knew that from that day on, he will no longer worry about not getting good, quality sleep. He will no longer worry about things like doing the laundry and looking for what to eat, since my mom has welcomed him as her son. Of course, I was very glad that I will always be with him and that he would always be at my side.

But things didn't turn out quite so well.

Things were well for the first couple of months, but our relationship was strained to a melancholic tidal wave of ups and downs for the months to follow, the reason being my selfish desire to maintain a sense of the self. I was struggling to find who I was amidst the layer upon layer of being us. It was as if I felt so empty deep inside, and I wanted to know why. I was so enthralled by my lust for my own identity that I caused so much pain and agony for the both of us. There were times that my swings were so outright distressing that I would not talk or take notice of him for days. At first, he always asked me what was wrong, but all I ever gave him was a shrugged shoulder. Little by little, he slowly eroded away as he took hit after hit. Soon after, our relationship withered away to just a frantic reciprocation of negative emotions. Everything had spiraled out of control, until I mustered the strength to call our relationship as lovers to an end. Back then, I thought that was the best thing to do. Tears both rolled down cheeks as I told him that we cannot continue living and feeling like that. I hated myself for causing him so much pain. A man like him did not do anything to deserve the amount of grief I caused him.

There were of course a lot of times that I wanted to make amends with him and start once again, but I wasn't able to overcome my fear of causing him so much pain. I was always moved to tears whenever I thought of it. I was frightened that if ever we came back, everything would yet again just descend to a pile of deep-seated sorrow and regret, and end up us more miserable than before.

We still stayed under one roof, sleeping in one bed even after our breakup. The first few weeks were saturated by an awkward air, but after some time, both of us agreed to try our best to love one another as brothers, and no longer as lovers. Many months pass with us being well and good. But, in reality, the wounds have never healed: they were only covered up by bandages made up of self-denying lies and escapes from the painful, sad truth. Now, him moving out seems to be the only solution for us to find ourselves once again, hopefully to be better people for our own future partners. I have to admit that I am sad that it has come to this, that even until now, I am still causing him so much sorrow and pain. However, I keep reminding myself that for him to be the indomitable person he was before, it has to be done.

In retrospect, I cannot blame Iyhan becoming this way. I can't blame him because I know he has done whatever he could, and it was probably because of my choices that things didn't work out. Both of us changed into persons even each of us wasn't familiar with because our lives changed, and we failed to adapt to that change. Maybe he changed because he no longer had to be as strong as before, since he has a family that takes care of him now. I cannot talk for him, but for me, the problem was that I insisted to hold on to my own personal space even if I knew that sacrifices had to made since I was no longer alone. My emotions raged on probably because of me subconsciously denying to let go to what I deemed so valuable during the times that I was alone and miserable. Even if I can already accept my own faults and shortcomings, after eight months, I admit that I still haven't moved on, at least completely. I chose not to because I can see that he still can't fully accept the things that happened, and I will only be able to fully move on if I can see that he can already move on with life as well.

In the end, I have learned a lot from my experience with Iyhan. I would be lying if I said I didn't have any regrets with what has happened, but I know deep within me that I never blamed it on him. I never blamed myself as well, because everything happened because we chose to do so. Our relationship started because of choices, and it has ended because of choices as well.

Destiny gives us only chances, but in the end, we make our own choices. Our choices may bring us pain, but in that pain lies sweet sorrow. It is a subtle reminder that we are alive, yearning for solace in the ironies of life.

Lesson Learned - I

I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm just a hopeless and deranged man with a skewed sense of reality and trust. As it turns out, the series of unfortunate incidents are all just pure coincidence. It's either that or I am believing a manipulated truth.

Suspicions are normal, but when you suspect a person you trust, you really need to ask yourself why.

Lessons learned:
Never let your emotions dictate your actions, but things are easier said than done.

Control

I am not a rebel opposing authority. But when control for a good cause maliciously turns into a self-containing manipulation, things become different.

A few days ago, I have lost access to my PlanetRomeo account. It was the second time it happened. The first time around, I tried to contact the administrators through email, but there was no development. I managed to retrieve my account with the help of a friend of mine, who happened to have administrative rights and database access to the site.

This time however, not only did I lose access to my PR account, but to the email address affiliated with it. For the past few days, I had to change my password every time I tried to log in into chat, until the account was locked completely. Things did not move for the better, because yesterday, I have also lost access to the alternate email address for that. What was worse was that the second email address that I lost access to was also the email account I used for the past six or seven years. I used that account to keep in touch with my friends in high school, college, and people at work. I have tried to request a change for password, but all is lost since the alternate addresses of both email addresses have been changed.

I am forcing myself that everything happening is just pure coincidence, but I cannot help but think that it is just way too farfetched for it to be just a random hack. Rationalizing things, I hate to think that someone I might know is toying with me. I feel as if the person doing this is locking me away from meeting or even just talking to friends. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone; it's just that what has happened is just a step way too far.

Alone Under a Starless Sky

So many things are happening. Things I thought were slowly healing and moving on were actually lies. I find myself once again walking on the boulevard of broken dreams, alone.

As I walked home at three in the morning, I saw a streak of light shoot in the night sky. Out of impulse, I wished for something, only to realize that it was something that will never come true.

I may be sad, but I am not weak.

Second Shift: Floor (Part Twelve)

Since last week, our onsite counterparts have requested the team to go on second shift. Work had to be done in so little time, so they wanted us to be there when they were on duty.

I have to admit that I kind of like the two to ten schedule. For one thing, it's easier for me to wake up at eleven rather than six or seven. Another thing is that I like the silence that is present after people have gone home. The open space of the floor is freed from the noisy clicks of mice, chatter of fingers and keys, and the periodical rings of the telephone.

At night, the floor is released from the feeling of being a workplace. To me, it has become a second home.

Losing Someone

I was almost moved to tears when I learned of what happened to a blockmate of mine in college. I've only heard of her ordeal just now in a social networking site, and I feel pretty bad that I was too busy or too indifferent to know about the things that were happening to the people I grew fond of.

Following my friend's page lined with a long string of condolences and support, it came to my knowledge that the boyfriend of my blockmate passed away a little over a week ago. Reasons not being present, what information I managed to gather was that he was rushed and was confined a few days in intensive care, before letting go. It was then I realized that a few days back, a contact of mine in chat had a status message saying that a friend of hers recently passed away, and that she was in a state of shock and utter disbelief. It was him.

Admittedly, I am not the closest friend to my blockmate, however, I still felt very sad. It was the feeling of wanting to do something for her, but no amount of love and concern will ever measure up with her longing to be with him even for one last time.

In her post, she wrote:

"You told me before that you gave your heart to me, and asked me to take care of it. I told you I've given you mine as well, for you to take care of it. But you said that it's better if both of them are with me, [because] both of them will be safer with me. Since that night till now, my chest feels really heavy. It's like I have two hearts with me now, yours and mine.

I'll carry them both bi. For you. For us. I can handle it. I just wished you would still be here so that we can carry them both together.

I love you."

Honey, we love you too. It is okay to cry and be sad, but keep in mind that wherever he is now, he will always want you to smile and look forward for a brighter tomorrow, even if he's gone. God has plans for all of us, and sadly, it was His plan to take him away from you. We may not understand the reasons of the things happening to each and every one of us, but that is where our faith in Him lie. I'm sure the time will come when you will be able to move on, but until that day comes, we want you to know that we will always be here for you, no matter what may happen.

Stay strong, and have faith. We love you, and we'll always be here for you.

Innovate

After feeling irate over the past few days, I'm slowly rising up from the pits of despair. I managed to feel that I have achieved something. It is something nice; the sweet taste of success. Yes, I might be hopeless in some things, but I am most certainly able in other things. With a creative mind and a determination that is disciplined and true, I can prove to myself that I was wrong in thinking that I was just another somebody.

In my own, small way, I will leave my very own mark.

Irate

I've become increasingly irritable for the past few days. Nothing seems to make me feel content, or reassure me that I am not a worthless piece of trash. The continuous downpour of rain is making me feel worse and worse. I feel powerless even to control my own spur of emotions, but I do know that amidst all the negative things happening, there is a point wherein I need to stop, think about what is unfolding in front of me, and move on with life.

Things happen for a reason, and that particularly to open my eyes to see the light. Maybe I'm just playing blind all along, since I feel like a victim of circumstance. I know these things have happened in the past, but here I am, still feeling and thinking in the same way as before.

Meaningless

A while back, I stopped for a few minutes, thinking how meaningless I was. Occupied with the thoughts that consumed me, I asked if the career I chose was what I really wanted, or was I just overcome by sheer laziness and frivolous courage.

I was assigned to resolve an issue with our system. It turns out that my team lead was able to pinpoint what was causing the problem, and he was able to do so in a matter of minutes. The hours I placed in trying to figure out what was happening was thrown out the window, to be blunt.

I felt so useless and a big burden. But I guess that was part of the process of learning. The lessons of life isn't served in a silver spoon; it is up to us to broaden our understanding and not to let the narrowing vision of pointless and distraught feelings blind us from seeing what is worth seeing.

Acts of Kindness

Pearl asked me to create a small application that will only run the module I was developing. I asked my team lead if it was doable within the day, and he said yes while explaining to me a possible implementation of the task that was given to me.

Four hours have passed, and my application was stumbling on error after error. My enthusiasm about the weekend was dashed, washed away by the rain that continued to pour relentlessly. As an act of desperation, I once again consulted with Ervs, a team lead of ours. Within thirty minutes, he was already able to make the bare essentials of the application I was creating to work. I thanked him again and again until I was already lugging my things to go home, since I was very well aware that he stopped what he was doing in order for him to help me with my task. Without his help, I might still be at the office, slumped on my chair and dreading how unable I was.

The jeep I rode home was packed with people. The jeep had an unusual warmth to it, a kind of heat that was soothing and comforting. I said a little prayer before I alighted, and when I did, the lady after me called my attention and handed me a twenty-peso bill that I have dropped. I thanked her for her kind deed and parted our ways.

Two acts of kindness, one being bold, while the other less visible albeit quaint. More often than not, people tend to neglect the little things that happen in life, but in reality, are as important as the biggest things unfolding before our eyes.

Constitution (File 3)

According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,

--
Your Measurements:
 --
Weight: 155.6lb / 70.6kg
Height: 6ft 1.2in / 186cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.4kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M

Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 112 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 62 mmHg

Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.7%
Fat Mass: 18.1lb / 8.2kg
Free Fat Mass: 137.6lb / 62.4kg

Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 108 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 142 P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 38 P/min

--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg
Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg

Pity?

As I waited under the unusually crowded shed across my office, a familiar face emerged and stood out of the sea of strangers I was in. He was one of the blue-collars working inside our office. I have to admit that at first glance, I didn't like him. But as time passed, my interest in him grew.

I do not know his name or where he came from. Neither do I know how his voice sounds like. All I know is he works at the office, and I see him each and every day that passes.

Standing at a distance, I stole small glimpses to appease my urge to at least know his name. I found it a little humorous that as I was silently checking him out, he was furtively staring at the pretty girl standing near him. I chuckled a little bit because of how awkward the situation was. He never paid attention to my presence, and soon after, he caught a ride home. As soon as he left, my knees started to tremble uncontrollably. Trying to strengthen my weakened knees, I stepped backwards and looked at the pretty girl that he was sighting.

I felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I questioned what I was really feeling: attraction, or just plain pity. And if it was a wrong kind of mercy, was it for him, or for myself?

Satisfaction

Most of the time in our quest for happiness, we tend to over complicate things for ourselves and for the people around us. Wanting only the best for themselves, people easily get frustrated and upset over the littlest things that do not go in their way.

The happiest people aren't those who have everything; it is the people who make the most out of everything. Happiness and contentment are two similar but different things. In this path I'm taking, I'm trying to be content with what I have and thankful for the things that will yet to come.

Constitution (File 2)

According to the do-it-yourself health kiosk you operate with a five peso coin,

--
Your Measurements:
 --
Weight: 155.9lb / 70.7kg
Height: 6ft 1.2in / 186cm
Body Mass Index (BMI): 20.4kg/m²
Age and Gender: 23M

Blood Pressure
Maximum Systolic: 136 mmHg
Minimum Diastolic: 74 mmHg

Body Fat Estimation
Fat Index: 11.7%
Fat Mass: 18.1lb / 8.2kg
Free Fat Mass: 137.8lb / 62.5kg

Heart Rate Analysis
Heart Rate: 100 P/min
Maximum Heart Rate: 111P/min
Minimum Heart Rate: 85 P/min

--
References:
--
Normal Weight: 141.1 - 189.8lb / 64.0 - 86.1kg

Normal BMI Value: 18.5 - 24.9
Normal/High/Hypertension Systole: 129 / 130-140 / 140+
Normal/High/Hypertension Diastole: 84 / 85-90 / 90+
Normal Fat Index: 14 - 20%
Normal Fat Mass: 22.5 - 34.4lb / 10.2 - 15.6kg


My heart was racing since I bought something exciting. I wonder what that was?

Punctuality: Floor (Part Eleven)

Despite the dreaded call time in the morning, I managed to get to work on time. That's right, I wasn't late. The tight penalty of having to treat the whole team ice cream on Friday seemed to have taken a significant impact on my thriftiness.

It was something quite difficult for me. Waking up early meant I had to change my routine of sleeping in the wee hours of the morning. I had to choose the things I wanted to do before I hit the sack. I had to tap the discipline that was inside me to make me sleep at midnight. It wasn't easy, but I managed to do it. I have to admit that I am still reliant on outside reinforcement when it comes to discipline, but there's a start to everything.

Punctuality: Floor (Part Ten)

...is another thing I don't have.

I have to admit I am a person of photo finishes and minutes past punctuality. It's either because I stay up late and end up waking up to a frenzied dash to work, or I sleep and wake up early only to slack off to a sluggish morning. The point is, I cannot seem to leave the house early. I have tried adjusting my watch to be a few minutes early, only to end up adjusting and adjusting the thing until it was already almost an hour ahead -- and I still get tardy.

This afternoon, my team called for a meeting regarding the shift of schedule for our project. The seniors have decided to shift our "official" work time from ten to nine in the morning. The reasoning behind the move was for our onsite counterparts to be off the hook earlier, since the time difference was a full twelve hours. Thinking about how cumbersome the current schedule was for the onsite, it was okay for me. The catch was there was a pretty steep penalty for tardiness. It was then that I had doubts about my capacity to hit the sack early in order not to be late.

Nine in the morning?
Challenge accepted.

Altruism?

I waved my hand in order for the jeep to stop and take me home.

As I sat inside the dimly lit seating of the jeep, I discreetly looked at the other people riding along with me, a routine that I usually do as soon as I have seated squarely inside the vehicle. Every night, I look at the different expressions of people hailing from all walks of life, and every night, I ask Him to keep everyone on board safe and sound.

What caught my attention was the little girl who was being embraced by her mother, and the lady sitting beside them. The girl had this innocent look in her eyes as she was staring on the box of pizza the lady had sitting adjacent to her. As I was silently watching her from a short distance away, I cannot deny myself to think what I actually felt. There was an urge of wanting to help, but for what reason? Out of gentle kindness, or out of sheer pity?

As I pondered on what was happening, the little girl slowly slouched, let out a deep sigh, and turned away from what enchanted her for so long. It was as if she realized something, and upon that, lost all interest in what the lady was toting. It wasn't long before I knocked loudly to signal the modest driver to grind his vehicle to a halt.

Life is such. People seek to understand it, but no one fully grasps its meaning. We use our heart and our reason to find a rhyme in a song that we never really hear or sing.

Fluency

...is something I don't possess.

I find myself always wanting to take back things that I have just said. It is either I thought of something better to make the point across, or things didn't turn out the way I foresaw them. During these times, I feel somewhat shallow, being unable to fully and clearly express what I want to say. What happens is that I usually say the first thing that comes into my mind. Hasty, if I can say so myself.

I just find it worrying at times. I no longer fit the description a student sheltered by the familiarities of school. Whether I like it or not, I am now a professional, striving to find my space in the real world. I need to teach myself to slow things down in order for myself to actually catch up.

Silence

For almost a week, there have been no contact between me and the person I like. For the past few months, our "one-sided" exchange of messages was everyday. More than five days have passed, and my inbox is still empty of his name. I have been telling to myself to stop and cut the bud in its roots, but I chose not to.

Now, I feel that I have the reason to do so. I am not sad at all, but disappointed at the very least. Maybe now is the time to move on and face reality. With silence in between us, now might be the chance to drop everything and start anew  towards the truth that has been there for so long.

Interdependence

Today marks a celebration of independence for the country of stars and stripes.

History narrates the valorous struggle of heroes in the battlefield to achieve freedom from the oppressive enemy. Blood was shed, lives were lost, and many a people shouted equality and liberty. But in the modern age today, we are shackled by different chains than those of the past ages. We are bound by the cuffs of materialism, and us alone hold the key to our own self-righteous freedom.


Amidst the deteriorating standard of living and the widening chasm between the rich and the poor, I can't say there is much freedom. Liberty, for me, has changed meaning. In its most profound sense, freedom is living simply and seeing others may simply live.

Constitution (File 1)

For the past few months, I have hit a terrible plateau in my desire to attain normal weight. Up until last week, I weighed in at a measly 140 lbs -- terrible considering my physical gift of height.

However, things are changing. Hopefully, it continues that way.

As of now, I weigh in at 147 lbs. Seven pounds may seem small, but each pound of it means a lot to me. I have been consuming a whole lot more food and supplementing it with exercise. I eat four square meals a day, excluding the small snacks I take during the course of the day. I drink no less than a liter of milk everyday, and my stomach didn't welcome it warmly. Usually, my stomach feels full to the point of bursting like a balloon under Sunday heat, but I force myself to eat just a little more. I make sure not to slump back come exercise time so that my body will have a reason to build weight. It is not a walk in the park, I have to sweat it out in varying meanings of the term, but again, nothing worth doing comes easy.

I'm setting a goal right now: hit and maintain 150 lbs in two weeks' time.

Born This Way

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Perspectives

At the office, I was randomly spacing out. I found myself following a trail of thought, and then realizing that I have been staring at an imaginary distance for a period of time. Frightened by the signals being sent to me, I sought refuge in a close friend of mine.

I cannot seem to stop thinking about what was bothering me. In an act of desperation, I pleaded God for help, and help He gave.

He made me realize that the world and the things happening in it cannot change for my sake. Happiness is something sought for and found, and not just given out of pity. It came to me that if I weren't content with the things that I am seeing, I should change how I view the world, and live it once again like I've never seen it before.

Life is full of sweet sorrow; subtle reminders that we are still alive, seeking for security in the ironies of life.

Indecision

I am still stuck in a rut between two choices. I find myself taking one step forward to a direction, then immediately taking back that step in reconsideration. After a moment's pause, I move forward, only to go back all over again.

I am intimidated by the truth. However, the uncertainty outside of that truth is slowly killing me.

I want to know if this guy likes me too or not. By the way things are going, I think he does, however because of certain things that came to my knowledge, I am struck but to think twice. I want to ask him already, but I do not have the guts to do so just yet. I want to clear up my doubts, but I don't want to know the reality that I'm just fodder for him. I guess it's normal, people seeking for acceptance and hating rejection. But, there is no life without sacrifice.

Life is all but a series of choices and risks we take in the chances we meet. I just really hope that the things I am doing right now will not be things that I will regret one day.

Third Molar (Part Three)

After two excruciating surgeries across seven dental appointments, three dentists, and a ton of pain relievers, I now wear a set of orthodontic braces. Unfortunate not to have the most scenic of pearly whites, I have decided in the past that I will invest in my dental health, no matter what.

Today marks the start of a new challenge.

Thank you to my dentist and friend, Nicke, and to my sister, Portia, for always being there for me while I took this endeavor. Whenever I feel my braces brushing the insides of my lips, the picture of me smiling with a semi-perfect set of teeth in the future enters my imagination. Thank you for your efforts, and I hope both of you will continue to be there until that time comes.

Pointwest Blue, baby!

Confession?

I'm in a point wherein I want to tell somebody that I really like him. However, I am not certain if the person likes me as well, or if I am denying the fact that he likes me too. Liking and loving somebody are two different things, and I know for certain that I am not in the level of loving him. I have to admit, he has constantly been in my head for the past few days. Before, I would just shrug the feeling off, and it would slowly melt away. But I have noticed in the past couple of days that even if I brush it aside, I find myself teetering into thinking about him. I would like to know him more, because I want to understand him more as a person.

However, I'm afraid that I'm just using my feelings towards him as a tool to move on. I wanted to move on using my own two feet, however I wasn't given the chance to do so. Maybe I was, and this path I'm treading is a result of my decision. It was possible that I found myself in a diverging path: one walking to no, the other leading to go. I took the chance and followed him. Hopefully, whatever the outcomes may be, I would be proud of what I will become, molded by the choices that I have made.

Unrequited Love

Somebody loves me. I know that he will never mean harm to me. I know with him, I will always feel the endearing sense of security all of us is searching for. Deep down inside, I love him too.

But here I am, liking someone else. Things have happened in the past that is stopping me from taking his hand to forever. I feel I have done my part. I have given everything I am able to give. My heart has grown to like him even more,  however my mind learned from the painful past. I have decided to choose myself.

I chose to walk alone this boulevard of broken dreams. I cannot say I am happy, but I can say I am content.

He doesn't deserve this. Not at all.

Father's Day

I've never been close to my dad. I feel as if I wasn't the best son a dad could have. There have been a lot of opportunities for me to express my gratitude, but all I ever did was to take him for granted. He is almost sixty, and he is still working. He has endured the hardship of living away from his family for work, and he still continues the burden of being part of the workforce up to this day. At least, the heavens has always blessed him with great health, even if he has vices.

All I ever thought of is myself. I have stopped to think about what he felt or thought, but all of that remained inside my head. I know I could be a better son, but I want to be a better person first.

Not like this post would change anything. Maybe that's why the rain hasn't stopped falling.

Brighter Side of Things

For the past few days, I have been wallowing in my self-created puddle of sadness. I felt so content in drowning myself with all the negativity in the world. Being pessimistic has always worked for me. It has (sadly) turned into a defense mechanism -- my stream of consciousness and personality is yanked out of the brighter side of things toward the cold shadows of grief. I find solace in solitude: it helps me recuperate whatever pain that caused me to shift out of normalcy in the first place.

A few days have passed, and I feel better. Once again, I have started to stare towards the bright glare of the sun rather than shy away from it. My feet guided my body to bask in the sun's brilliant radiance. I felt the heat slowly pricking my pores. It was either one of those small nothings that made me feel alive appeared right before my eyes, or opened my eyes to see some light.

Trust

For others, trust is something one merits. Certitude is given when a person proves themselves worthy and dependable. But for me, trust is something one demerits. I easily give my assurance to people, and continue to do so when I see their worth and intention. I give everyone the chance to be trusted, and the chance to prove to their very own self why they remain to be trustworthy.

People may see this as something ridiculous, a median from being a plain dunce. It might seem as if it contradicts the natural order of things. After all, we were taught not to talk to strangers, moreover trust people we do not know that well.

But for me, a person who amiably took care of the reliance I gave them shows me how much they value me as a person and as a friend.

So what happens when a person loses trust in himself?

Anger Under a Starless Sky

I felt so angry yesterday evening that I was pushed to tears. The feeling of hostility filled me to the limits that I wanted to destroy anything that came into my reach. Wanting to tear everything piece by piece, I punched a wall and felt my fist scream in pain. I let the pain fill my body to calm it. But a few minutes after, I slowly felt anger once again reigning my mind, and all I could do to stop it was to cry.

Everything had to happen in a single day. I tried to hold on for as long as I could, but my strength wasn't enough.

I laid on my bed and stared outside the window. Under the stillness of the night, I found myself wiping my tears under a starless sky.

Coming Home

I've been dreaming of a friend of mine living abroad for the past couple of nights. According to him, he's coming home soon, and is looking forward to finally meeting me in person.

I'll be a hypocrite if I said I'm not looking forward to meet him, but for some reason, I'm not ecstatic or overly excited about it. I actually have some doubts about him, but maybe it's just me putting a negative face. I find it easier that way.

Like before, a part of me says no, and another says go. Life is so ironic -- the things that make it difficult are the same things that make it interesting. Nothing worth having comes easy, and I believe I have to make a decision on this chance life is giving me.

Brown Shoes

During lunch, a friendly conversation heated into a debate, with me noticeably raising a tone. An officemate of mine pointed out that I was unusually irritable today. She asked me how come I was bugnutin today, and I joked that it was because I wore leather shoes to work. The weather was in a rotten mood. Little did I know that I myself was showing signs of cloudy skies.

I stayed a little longer in bed because the rain made getting out of bed difficult. The cold air made me tuck into my warm and cozy bed for a few more minutes. My mom, generous as she is, offered me a ride to work which I gratefully accepted. As we carefully tread the wet, slippery roads of Commonwealth, I broke the news that I was already a regular in my company. She was ecstatic, and so was I. Going to work, I was such in a sunny mood, so I paused to think what happened that made me act as if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Right then, I remembered why. I always ask God to make me patient, and he always heeds my prayers and gives me reasons to be patient. Today however, I think I lost control and made my emotions spill over. Instead of cleaning it up, I just covered it up with an artificial excuse of being happy -- and wasn't too aware about it.

I have only worn my brown leather shoes twice before today, and I was actually thrilled to see it in pristine condition. With a few wipes, it looked sleek and brand new. However, as soon as I wore it, my feet suddenly yearned for the comfort of my raddled sneakers.

Last Known Good Configuration

The "Last Known Good Configuration" option was first introduced in Microsoft 2000 and is available in all later versions of Windows, including Windows XP. This feature enables the user to revert back to the last working version of Microsoft Windows. This is a great setup when trying to fix issues with a computer not being able to load into Windows.

To load the last known good configuration in these versions of Windows, reboot the computer. As it is booting, repeatedly press the F8 key, which should bring up the "Windows Advanced Options Menu". Use the arrow keys to navigate to "Last Known Good Configuration", then press Enter.

A Genuine Feeling

My birthday passed just like any ordinary day. A few of my friends greeted me which warmed my heart. It was a pleasant feeling. For a moment, I felt content. But after those fleeting seconds, the air was once again saturated with a heavy, uncomfortable feeling. It was as if there was something I needed to do, something I wanted to do, but couldn't. My heart wanted to search for that warm patch of sunlight, but my body and my mind were frightened stiff from the unknown.

No, I was wrong when I said I wanted a genuine smile. What I have lost is the capacity to produce a genuine feeling. Swimming in a seemingly endless ocean of shallow emotions, I wonder what happened that stripped me the ability to feel with my entire heart. I've always been proud to be a deep, kindhearted person. Now, all I see in the mirror is a ghost of the past, an empty shell of the proud present I was.

A Genuine Smile

It's my 23rd birthday tomorrow.

Like my previous birthday, I'm not looking forward to this "special day". I've been going in and out of small states of depression, and today seems to be the all-time low. Not that I want to do stupid things or what; it's just that for some reason, I have lost the ability to smile for no apparent reason. For the past few months, I always found a reason to smile: the nice weather, silly little things that make me happy, or just plain seeing my friends at work. Now, everything seems so heavy. I can't imagine how happy and content I became when I saw the simple things most people overlook in the everyday things we encounter. Time in and time out, I find myself staring to an invisible horizon, spacing out for no tangible reason. It is as if I'm continually searching for something deep inside, even if I have long realized that I have already lost it.

I miss the feeling of a genuine smile. If there is one present I'd like to receive, it's that.

Disinterest

I have liked someone a lot over the past few weeks. Someone and I have been exchanging messages for that duration. I thought he was nice and down-to-earth, only to find out that everything aside, he was just like any other person out "there".

Again, I find myself losing interest in him. I can easily say I have genuine feelings for him. At first, I thought he felt the same, but now after a few weeks and a few revelations, I cannot help but reconsider.

A part of me says no, while the remaining part says go. I don't want to be only an option. I want to be the only choice.

One Sentence Two

Destiny gives me chances; I make the choices.

Drifting Apart?

Today, a friend of mine and I had a quarrel about something petty, I suppose.

Our relationship has been like that of a tide and a shore. The waves go about a perpetual crash in and slide out, while the patient shore quietly accepts its fate. For the past few months, we have been going in and out of phases; like riding a wild, wild ride. Sometimes, we are at a tall, craggy tor, and there are these times wherein I feel we are deep down, rock bottom. I envy the tide and the shore, for they will be nothing without the other. The fact is different from us, after all, both of us are human.

I have so many things that I want to say, but in this situation, I think it's best to just shut up, swallow, and put my guts up.

Lost in Thought

It was already half past seven, and the rains were still pouring down. Half upset, I decided to soldier home under the cold air that irritated me.

Wanting to go home at the earliest time possible, I signaled the very first jeep I saw to stop. A passenger alighted the vehicle, but an old man sneaked past me and took the vacant seat. With my patience at its end, I was about to descend from the vehicle when the driver shouted there was room for one more. But the truth was there was only room for my bag.

I asked for patience. I was being given reasons to be patient.

With the rain dying down to a drizzle, I grunted at the driver to let me get off. I picked up my pace and was soon clambering down on the low seat of a tricycle. My patience was really being stretched to its limits, as I was getting frustrated about the most trivial of things. I just wanted to go home, that was all.

The tricycle driver asked me what street I wanted to go. Usually, I automatically say the street I live in, but this time, my tongue fumbled and my consciousness suddenly scattered. I mumbled a jumble of illiterate words before the driver understood what I said.

I just wanted to go home. But why did I want to get home that bad?

Wet

Yet again, so many things have happened.

But I'm being pathetic enough for my future self. Nothing is coming into my senses. I'm not being overly dramatic about what's happening, it's just that for the past few days, I've been going in and out of phases I thought I was over with.

I can't tap my command over prose. I simply cannot think straight. I'm all over the place, just like these rains that send dry, peaceful people into a state of frenzied wetness.

Wait

A lot of things have happened over the past week. My family and I went to the marvelous Pagsanjan Falls. My company went to Nasugbu, Batangas for the annual summer outing. People came in and stepped out of my life. Work is never stable, just like the undulating waves forever crashing down on a dirtied shore.

Now then, where do my priorities lie?

I still feel so scattered. I don't exactly feel emotionally tired, but I don't feel full of vigor either. I'm still here, waiting for that something to ignite the optimism I once flared across the midnight sky.

Waiting, patiently waiting.

Emptiness

And then, I feel empty.

I dislike the uncertain feeling after saying one is happy. Of course, when one is up, there is nowhere to go but down.

My emotions feel so distraught. I don't know why, but they seem all over the place. Happy, sad, in the verge of tears, drunk in a bask of euphoria -- name it, I have it. I feel so energetic and lethargic at the same time. I still feel alive and complete, but a part of me feels dead empty.

I hope something happens. It doesn't matter if it is good or bad; I don't care. I hope something happens so this feeling of emptiness would vanish into the past, fleeting into another confusing phase of life.

You Know, That Feeling

Today, I took the day off because I endured a mind breaking eight hour overtime. The issue we were fixing was marked as a critical one. No matter what happened, we had to fix it, and we did. It was already four in the morning, and I hadn't eaten dinner yet.

I wanted to go half day, but my body refused. I woke up at two in the afternoon.

As the humid day went on, I received a text. It was from the person who made me feel it was the end of the road. I had already moved on, but then, I receive a text from him. A part of me wants to go back, but the stronger part of me soldiered forward into leaving the past behind.

And just a while ago, an online friend of mine living in Paris asked me if he can go out with me when he came home this month. We have been exchanging messages for almost two months, and he seems a decent guy. I'm a little afraid that he can't fluently speak English or Filipino, but I'm trying to believe in myself and not to get crippled by my anxieties.

It has been a long time since I felt kilig. It is always nice to know that the person one likes to know better shares the same sentiment. The feeling overwhelmed me for only less than two minutes -- compared to before which lasts for hours, or even days. With that, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I have grown stronger and slowly weaned myself out of the horrible grasp of being desperate.

End of the Road

Some things are better off ended.

It makes life much more easier to handle. Ending things is painful, however with that pain, one starts a renewal. Once the wounds have healed, a person is reborn. Stronger or weaker: it depends on the choices one will make.

In that pain lies sweet sorrow, a reminder that one is alive, yearning for solace in the ironies of life.

Third Molar (Part Two)

After two weeks of a series of minor unfortunate incidents, my dentist was finally able to pull out my wisdom tooth on my lower right jaw.

It was excruciating.

The pain was nothing like I've felt before. Of course, there was anesthetics applied and I have taken a dose of pain killers before the procedure. However, it was still quite a painful experience. My dentist patiently explained to me why I still feel pain amidst all the preparations we made: the tooth was separating from the bone. The anesthesia was only there to relieve some of the pain and not entirely negate it. I tried my best not to wince in pain since my dentist was easily frightened for my sake, but I wasn't able to help it. The procedure was a success because she did one thing that was out of the ordinary: she shut her eyes tight and felt my tooth with her nimble finger. After an hour, my stubborn tooth popped out of its bony socket. Both of us were surprised by the sheer size of it, but it gave us both much relief.

A little bit afraid of the next surgery, I asked my dentist what it would be like. She assured me that the next operation would be relatively easier than this one. She calmed me in saying that she would be able to extract my left wisdom tooth in one appointment, and explained to me why it would be an easier surgery as well.

Today was an achievement for both of us. For me, the half step is now a full step forward. With determination in my mind and courage in my heart, I will continue what I have started and ensure that I will not back down and lose to the pain I am sure will be enduring.

The Blind (Leading the Blind)

It was almost half past five, but luckily, I still managed to catch the bus that would bring me back to the bustling station in Ayala. As soon as my back laid rest on my seat at the very rear of the vehicle, I succumbed to the sandman's hands and drifted to sleep, even if my lower back complained because of the cold air bearing down on my upper back.

I was abruptly awakened by the noisy steps of the other passengers wanting to go home. My eyes could not bear the brightness of the light. I could feel the creases on my forehead furrowing even deeper, like the wrinkles on cheap velvet. I tightly shut my eyes to keep out the glare. But after a few minutes, my eyes regained composure. My face slowly straightened out to its normal, expressionless look. All the emotions of my face seemed to have been sapped by the tired appearance of my eyes. I could barely open my eyes to see if the train was packed with people or not. After squinting for the tenth time, it dawned in me that I was already inside the train, standing under another blast of air-conditioning comparable to that of the arctic cold.

As soon as the doors of the train opened in Cubao, the masses poured out like a tidal wave breaking the most impenetrable door. The people flushed themselves out from the chaos inside to the chaos outside. The smell of sweat saturated the six-thirty air as people drenched in their own and someone else's perspiration wiped their faces with whatever they had handy. I slowly treaded the stairs and avoided the weird heat emanating from the people clogging the way.

For the very first time, my eyes embraced the darkness with relief as the stairs were dark and gloomy. Apparently, the fluorescent lamp died out.

I climbed down and waited for a bus to take me home while keeping the darkness from that flight of stairs with me. I am tired of seeing the same things over and over and over again. I am worn out, seeing what other people don't see and from seeing things that I do not want to see.

Sometimes, I just want to go blind and live in the darkness of the night. Sometimes, I want to see nothing else but an infinite ebony sky; without stars, without hopes. Sometimes, I yearn to go back in time and remain under a starless night, forever wishing that my dreams would be carried across the sky.

It was just a short time until I found myself standing to alight the bus. However, the man in front of me was slowly walking his way towards the exit. He didn't look old or lame, but the conductor and the other passengers on board kept assisting him.

He was blind.

I helped him alight the bus since he was in front of me. It was then that he asked me with an unsure voice if I would be willing to be his eyes until he catches a tricycle home.

"Opo naman, kuya."

He placed his hands on my tired shoulders. His hand felt distracting, but at the same time relieving. Each and every step of his was a small victory in my sight. Each obstacle we overcame was a deep relief on my part. I held his hand on my shoulder and told him that we were almost there. I did not let go of his calloused hand until he was carefully climbing the tricycle to bring him home.

As I walked another distance, my shoulder felt light. The blind man was no longer holding it. Each and every step I took meant nothing, and each obstacle I avoided gave me no relief. I placed my hand on my shoulder and felt an emptiness: nothing was there but the strap of my bag.

It was about that time that everything became clear.

Or did it?


From the Tenacity of the Edge of Zweihander
May 12, 2009

Heart Broken?

Mind the question mark at the end.

I dislike the feeling of liking someone even before knowing that someone. The thought bears a heavy load in my heart. As tough as it may sound, I keep on telling myself that what I am feeling is wrong; that it should be the other way around. The idealistic me believes that liking someone only follows after knowing that someone.

Sigh.

A friend of mine told me that there isn't anything wrong about liking someone first. He said that it is very much normal and realistic in having ulterior motives in knowing and building a friendship with a person. In a blunt tongue, he told me that if I weren't attracted to the person in the first place, would I be spending much needed time in thinking about him? No, I thought. He will be just another stranger who will just pass by and remain unknown, like the hundreds of strangers I cross paths with everyday. Strangers, who remain as just strangers.

It doesn't hurt to be realistic, but being completely realistic isn't too well either. Being idealistic isn't bad, but being overly idealistic is worse. Realists with ideals close to their core principles and idealists who keep an open eye to the real world are the means to those extremes, but I think what matters more is one's own happiness and contentment with what life happens to give.

Holy Holiday?

A friend of mine thinks that most people doesn't care that this week is Holy Week. He told me that what people look forward to the Lenten season isn't the opportunity for a deepening of one's spirituality, but the chance to kick back and relax in a sought after vacation.

All I could say was that's how it goes.

Ice

The bright sun ruled the arid skies. Waves of dry heat continuously blanketed the air. People complained how hot the weather was. Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead and streamed down my back. I hurried my pace as it was already a few minutes past ten. As soon as I entered the office building, a cool gush of air welcomed my presence and relieved me from the blast furnace that was outside.

The swelling of my cheek has subsided a little, but the discomfort and slight pain when I eat was still present. Swinging the freezer door open, I was ecstatic to see the ice tray full of ice. I filled my water bottle with the small cubes of arctic heaven, and applied the improvised ice bag to my sorry cheek. Instantly feeling the cool, pleasant sensation, a small yet very content smile escaped my lips. It was so relieving: both for my swollen cheek and my body yearning for the chilly season. My small slice of paradise was short lived; but as soon as it withered to a lukewarm bottle, the ice in the freezer was ready to once again relive the momentary pleasure amidst the heat.

Sometimes, it is the simplest of things that makes me happy. Keeping my feet on the ground, I never stop dreaming from the stars that I know in time will grant my broken fairy tale its happy ending.

All that because of two trays of ice.

Mefenamic Acid

Two days have passed since my dental extraction. The procedure wasn't a complete success as the root of my enormous wisdom tooth refused to leave its place. I have been under medication of antibiotics and mefenamic acid since after the surgery, and I have to admit that things are better than what I expected. Certainly not the best, but not as gruesome as I depicted it would be.

My right cheek has swollen, although not considerably. The swelling isn't obvious, but visible if one looks well enough. The bleeding has stopped as well, but because the wound is still there, I have to gargle an antibacterial mouthwash that has a very disgusting aftertaste. It is so awful that two hours after rinsing my mouth with it, I still taste the horrible sensation in my mouth. The pain is bearable, but I continue to take anti-inflammatory medicine because I don't want things to get ugly.

Thank god for pain killers.

The desire for a better set of teeth isn't coming to me in a silver platter. The road is full of incisions, plier wrings, and mouth rinses with hints of blood, but I have decided that I want this. I am confident that the future me will thank me for undergoing through all this pain, and I hope that the future me will gain more confidence in smiling through the problems in life.

Third Molar (Part One and a Half)

Yesterday, I went to my dentist to have my right third molar removed. I was a little nervous at first, but the easygoing air my dentist always wore around her made my apprehensions disappear. The light mood inside her small clinic kindled the tiny flame of bravery that quietly burned inside me.

My dentist told me that she would make the procedure as painless as she could possibly manage. However, after three hours and three and a half doses of anesthetics, she decided to abort the procedure and continue on another day. My case was a very complex one: my two lower wisdom teeth were impacted horizontally, and to add to the difficulty, my teeth were huge compared to the normal person. She was able to remove the crown, cut the root into two parts, and kill the nerves, but both of us were tired and the effects of the anesthesia was wearing off. She explained that because I have already felt pain, my body would anticipate pain, nullifying the numbing effects of the anesthetics.

But I must admit that the procedure wasn't as excruciating as I imagined it would be. Yes there was pain, but I was able to manage it fairly well, considering I have a relatively low threshold for pain (and an above average dose of anesthesia). Hopefully, Thursday's procedure would be a success. Yesterday was just half a step -- five days morrow, I trust that it will be a complete step forward.